A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
Ox;
I did forget to mention I am seeing a psych next week. I do listen.
Thanks again.
Wini;
Done too. Now I am focusing on me, finding a job and my heath and legal issues and ways to be of services to others until everything is back to normal.
Dear BBE,
I’m glad you have an appointment with a psych next week. I think that is right now the BEST thing you can do for yourself. Believe me, it was the LAST THING I wanted to do for myself, but I’m ever so glad I did….better living through pharmacology! Actually, I don’t take that lightly, because refusing to take medication for mental health issues because you can “do it with strong will” is about like refusing to take insulin when you are Type-I diabetic. While “diet and exercise” DO help diabetes, they are NOT the only thing needed because the hormones are out of whack and it requires ALSO taking medication.
I do not think that medication ONLY is the ONLY answer for emotional or mental health issues either, but they are in some cases NECESSARY to complete healing, but it still requires that you do the WORK to go along with the medication.
Good luck with your psych doc visit and if they do not get the PTSD thing or the psychopath “thing” find one who DOES. I have no problem “doctor shopping” until I find one that I think has not finished in the last place in their class. Even those doctors that DID finish LAST in their class are still referred to as “doctor.” LOL
erin1972,
I really relate to the things you posted above, especially when you said, “These people are frighteningly dangerous and I could go as far as saying that anyone living with one is in immediate danger.”
AND
“The fact that I knew how he conned me and lied, was what made him discard me and it became a bigger deal than the sex. He was able to give up the sex and romance if he thought he could save his mask. I believe that he could kill to protect that false self/mask.”
I remember lying in bed when the s/p lived with me and being scared as I heard him talking to himself late at night in the apartment. He did that: He talked to himself as if he was talking to another person and called himself by name . . . .
I used to think, “This person is really crazy. This person could do anything.” And even though it scares me to say this, I did used to think that he could murder me, and I told my friends that if I were ever murdered, to have him investigated.
I am of no use to him now, particularly because I know exactly what he is up to, and he knows I know. Before the entire picture of him emerged, I had suggested that we have casually sex, quite a few months after the initial breakup/betrayal. It was fine with him if the sex “just happened”. But he couldn’t handle the honesty of making an agreement, of seeing eye-to-eye, of being on the same page with me because without the deception he had no sense of control.
At the time, I told him I could have casual sex with him because “I knew where I stood.” (And where I stood, which I knew but did not say to him, was that I knew that he did not care about me at all.)
And what he said was, “I don’t like that — you know where you stand.” Creepy. Having a picture of who he was/is and how he operated diminished the deception that gave him his sense of control.
So yes erin1972, my s/p “was [also] able to give up the sex and romance if he thought he could save his mask, [and I too] believe that he could kill to protect that false self/mask.” That is why I have chosen not to warn his latest target because it would endanger my safety.
I really want to have the courage, the strength, the fortitude, faith, and resilience, to find a good person to be my companion and to eventually love.
Those are the things I am trying to work on now.
behind_blue_eyes
I’m happy to read you are getting help and focusing more on the here and now…
I got a little paranoid about your posting because of the blips in the story….even why the story was told in such detail…I know you say it’s in order to get it out, so you can begin to unravel it all…
Y’know the whole looks thing is just more of the illusion we feel we have to buy into…why do you think we get old in the first place? because we are being humiliated and ridiculed??
No it’s because we need to learn. that it is not about good looks, young looks, it’s about the person underneath. The soul inside a body. The inner being that gets stronger as the body begins to go..the bad eyes sight…no it’s improved eyesight you are seeing THROUGH the illusion of this world…the loss of memory…no it’s remembering half the bullshit we obsess about is not important!! and as this body grows more beautiful in old age…it begins to die beautifully, perfectly so that the spirit can be free once more having learnt all the crazy lesson of this lifetime…the gospel according to bulletproof..lol
now I gotta go back to those photographs…number 2,5 and 6 are the same person…..number 1,3 and 4 are the same person..as far as I can see…IF that is the case…you are claiming to be number 5 which does not fit in…and if you are number 1 you are not number 5….it does not matter….leave it go…but look to the answers INSIDE you..you wont find the answer in the mirror…it’s another illusion…..best of luck
and just to relate what I’ve said to a spath, what is so startling, unnerving…shocking and all the things we say here..with a psychopath/sociopath there seems to be no person…with feeling underneath…no one there…a soul-less entity that does not feel remorse, empathy or love. It’s a hideous encounter and it goes against everything you thought to be true…we grapple with the possibility there is another species amongst us, that kill without conscience, commit fraudulent acts to supposed loved ones, that lie, fool, con, trick, manipulate to just get what they want from you…and then dump and move on…leaving you deranged for a while!!
The P has completely re programmed my head since meeting him..he has forced the old neural pathways to shut down and new ones to open up (for a while there I though I was just dying but there is a shift and a new life…a better one maybe after these monsters)…I will never be the same person ever again after being up close and personal with him
OxDrover;
First, I again owe you thanks for your advice and support. More, important, I owe you an apology. Since joining this site, I opposed your view that all sociopaths are cunning, manipulative and intentional. I contend that some, like while perhaps without feelings, are still more the “clueless” kid, whose actions, while damaging and without guilt on his part, are accidental.
I could not have been more wrong. He is cunning, albeit not as cunning as he thinks given everything I was able to unmasked him. What convinced me was Lisa Scott’s 12 Characteristics of Psychopaths/ Sociopaths that you referenced.
Here again is the URL – http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/01/27/12-characteristics-psychopaths-sociopaths
My suspicion began with an article talking about the sociopathic stare. Then I learned about background characteristics that are common to sociopaths, such as coming from a broken home, being raised in a city, poor socioeconomic background. Jon has all three.
Certainly he showed most sociopathic traits including superficial charm, the shallow effect (from his “just friends” email; such a good example, I should have posted it), promiscuity, alcohol abuse and glib. Of course his actions showed little remorse and his hate for his father is chilling. Still, I argued that his actions were accidental not intentional.
Lisa’s 12 Characteristics changed everything because I could apply specific instances to her examples. The Jekyll/Hyde thing I already knew, but looking at the list again something new resonates, “he portrays false integrity”. Ah yes, when I “offended my British reservedness.” I actually bought into that one. Its what made me begin thinking I found somebody special.
Curiously though, it was the “Female Psychopath” that really convinced me.
“Appears helpless or needy, pitiful, inept or emotionally unable to cope.” That a 36 year old man, has a profile name “hopeless boy” (or close to it) says it all. It is an act. It is cunning. He knows what he is doing. It is an act because the impression I had of him was that he was fairly mature! In fact, I though I was the immature one. I even said so in an email to him when I apologized for acting like a teenager at times.
He is a dangerous wolf in sheep’s clothing who knows what he is doing.
Thus, I must agree with you that at some point in time, he will contact me. My guess, about two more years, as he nears 40. Why? This goes back to the superficial thing I did not explain well. His being depends upon him being able to superficially project the “boy” image to attract boys. That is going fast. Continued aging and reaching 40 will hit him like a ton a bricks. What is he going to do? Reach out to those having everything he wants who were once attracted to him.
I will predict the email. It will be intentionally awkward. “Hi John. You probably have forgotten me by now…” Manipulative “but every once in a while whilst I am in New York I wonder how you are doing… ” A little apologetic “I know I might have hurt your feelings but I was going thru some tough times as well…” Blame shift “and you know I am not the most open person in the world… Flattery “with all you have going for your I am sure you are in a great place…” then the pity play “I can still understand why you might not want to talk to me, but I always felt we can be great friends, with a self-depricating closure “and if you have time for a common English lad such as myself…”
Don’t worry, I won’t fall for him again.
Bulletproof;
Too much detail can cloud things! Like I said, I wanted to get out all these things, in detail, in a public forum so I could finally get some closure on this horrible event. I had to say some crazy things because crazy things happened, like the stupid willie thing…
The pictures were only to underscore that fundamental problem I had with all this that I never told anyone. I was too hurt and embarrassed.
You say, “number 2,5 and 6 are the same person”..number 1,3 and 4 are the same person..as far as I can see””
First, 2 and six and the same person, probably taken a couple of years apart. That is Jon, not me. You are correct. The ears easily give it away. 6 may have been taken more than a couple of years before 2 or is Photoshopped (he is professionally trained in digital media) as of all the pictures I have seen of him, it is far and above the best.
6 is also the one Jon uses most online. I wonder what people think when they are baited by number 6 and meet, number 1, a guy appearing nearly 10 years older… Fraud from the beginning.
3 and 4 are the same person, John, me! I am a bit insulted that you think number 1, is also me!!!!!!!
Number 5 confuses but that is the only one in which I do not see him at all.
Back to the superficiality thing. I was trying to prove I was not superficial by liking the guy in number 1, the least “attractive” of them all, sad, drawn and tired looking. He looks the oldest and in person you can see crows fee and gray hairs I did not care. I would not have gone for the guy in the last photo. I did not want a boy.
But there was a day when I did. That is what I was trying to say. And the irony of it all. Me looking past superficiality to get to care for a “person” who was created to suit his own means. I am glad he is superficial, at least in terms of going for very young guys. Otherwise, this might have gone on way too long, he probably would have drained me financially as I willingly would have picked up the bill for nice things he can’t afford and i may have very well been exposed or even contracted HIV.
From your second post you can understand why all this left my head spinning. I agree, before him, I never thought such a person could exist. While he was sleeping, I remember looking at him and said to myself “Why are you so cold to me? Things could be so great if you were not so cold.” He is particularly dangerous because he is so unassuming, of medium height, thin, quite, polite, British. But there is an evil in him I never witnessed before. I saw from day 1. But instead of running from it, I wanted to fix it. I will never make that mistake again.
Dear BBE,
You owe me NO apology, and you protesting that I was wrong didn’t hurt my feelings a bit! LOL
I’m glad though that you were able to get a handle on what I was talking about. They are NOT without guile. Even the most “innocent” of them are crafty, instinctively using stalking techniques to gain whatever it is that they are after. They hone this skill by watching others emote from the time they are children. They never get it “quite right” but pretty close if they have a needy or wounded victim. Some are excellent at it though.
By attaching to an empathatic person they are like a parasite sucking blood and nourishment from us.
I’ve been “hard on” you, BBE, but I know you are stronger than maybe you even know, and THE TRUTH WILL SET US FREE, BUT FIRST IT WILL PITH US OFF!
I know you resisted the truth, and that is okay, at that point in your healing you needed to eat the truth a small bite at a time until you gained strength…but now it is time for you to man up and take some healthy big bites and you are ready for them.
There have been many times I too have wanted to fix my sons or my sperm donor, or my egg donor, or fix YOU or any number of other bloggers here but I know I can’t fix anyone and I can’t make you (or anyone) accept the truth, but I can put it out where when you are ready if you ever are, you can accept it. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. You are picking up your power now. NOTE: YOU are fixing yourself. If the truth I put out, my truth, helps you do this, I am glad, but you must accept it when and if you are ready. ((((Hugs)))))
BBE
It’s okay getting it all out….separating yourself out from the muck….absolutely fine….forget projecting the boy image the image….wake up…bucket of ice cold water …whoooosh!!! wake up stop predicting the e-mail and tend to your self…the state you are in.trying to prove you are not superficial….just stop it…stop it.
Accept their maybe pain that goes with this…emotional pain…lonliness…rejection…real horrible stuff you have to stay with…and we are here….to help, witness, acknowledge and care about you…not him…forget about him he is not here…forget about him..