A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
I said I wouldn’t play but:
“3 and 4 are the same person, John, me! I am a bit insulted that you think number 1, is also me!!!!!!!
Number 5 confuses but that is the only one in which I do not see him at all.”
And yet yesterday you said YOU were j5:
“I never said the guy in j4 andj6 is the same. They are not. j3,4,5 is me, j1,j2,j6 is Jon. The reason why I posted these pics was to illustrate a fundamental problem I had him (John) and me (Jon) are very similar looking, at least the current me, and the Jon of j2 and j6.”
J5 is a pop star or something.
I know. I shouldn’t get involved, but like BP I am … not happy with this. None of my business, I know.
You know, I know what it is. It’s all … noise. Obfuscation. Repetition. It just reminds me of the spathy/histrionic/narc too much.
Apologies to anyone I have offended and I’m going for a lovely bubble bath.
firstthingsfirst: I had a really hard time with the fact that he could give up my love AND our incredible sex to preserve his mask. When I think about it too much it really hurts my feelings. When he called me 4 months after the discard to “get closure”, and tried to make excuses for his behavior, I told him that he could never in a million years understand just how much he hurt my heart by doing what he did. I told him that my love was real and I could never EVER EVER DO WHAT HE DID to someone. I told him that he had no heart. He has an empty black hole where a heart should be. He had heart bypass surgery 6 years before we met. I told him that it’s too bad that he didn’t die during the surgery because it would have saved so much heartache for me, his wife, and his daughter.
I just really can’t wait to move to another city and leave these painful memories behind. I am so tired of knowing that his wife is at my work and I could run into her at anytime. She threatened me last summer and promised to take me down. I hate her and I hate him. The disgusting part is that even though I don’t want him anywhere near me, deep down in my heart I still have love for him. It’s a little over a year and it’s still there. It has diminished over time but it’s not completely gone. Today is a hard day for me because I want to cry.
Verity…whoa…WTF??? I know I’m new here, but I am getting a really bad vibe from your last comments…
I feel that you are invalidating everything that BBE is feeling right now, and it is not fair.
I realize you are hurting, but telling him that what he feels is like your spath is much too….cold… and spathy…
The fact that you apologized for offending anybody before you floated off to your bubble bath is just not right.
Should we all hold back on getting out our feelings for fear of being treated so blithely?
Erin1972,
I am so sorry to hear you’re having a bad day. It’s a horrible burden to carry with you, that none of it was real. It makes us feel like we are weighed down and can’t get the ache out of our hearts. You loved the thought of him, what he pretended to be. Yea, the sex was great, the adoration was wonderful, but in the end, they are nothing but a shell.
Try to think of something else, get motivated with your biking and working toward your goals. I know how hard it is to purge them out of our lives. Focus on the acadamy, focus on you because you deserve some love from yourself. You are the one who is worthy of so much more than any kind of relationship with a shell. They are the lie. The spath and his disordered, in the fog, wife do not need one more ounce of your thoughts.
Give yourself a pat on the back, you made it out of the relationship with your soul intact. His wife is unable to find hers. You are worth it. You are still whole and alive and free, thank the lord.
I really don’t know why they affect us so deeply and how hard it is to get out of their grasp. I am serving my husband with divorce papers next week. Got everything done that my attorney wanted and I hate to say it, but I’m scared to death. I may be overreacting, don’t know, but he is so in Disney land that I don’t know what’s going to happen. What ever he is I know that he will never be able to be honest and take ownership for his actions. When I think of life without him, I have glimpses of feeling contentment. Finally.
Hang in there Erin1972, you hold your head high, believe in yourself, we do.
Boo – I am back online in safe mode, seems a virus is trying to infect my computer, let’s see who can I blame that on? Anyway I have been trying to catch up on the thread. Dear Blueskies Thanks for taking me along on that wonderful train ride..like you it took me awhile to regain that zest for breathing, but I am here and living the best life I can and enjoying the simple wonders every day, every minute.. Was it Buttons who said we need to be our own caregivers and nurses’, I like that..if we wait around for someone to share our life with then we aint living and what a waste that would be..Behind Blue Eyes…I am trying to keep up with you.. I want to share something with you, sometimes the universe kick’s us in the ass because we keep repeating the same ole life threatening patterns..I had to focus on me instead of him, her and them, something that was very difficult to do, but that kick in the head was the best thing that ever happened to me…Yes I have to push myself hard, except my responsibility in getting involved in a sick toxic twisted relationship.. But I feel for the first time ever I have some tools to work with, I have made some sense of the chaos and see where I was at fault..And to franklee speaking – I knew you was an asshole when you came here..I have not read any of your post in a long while and refuse to do so in the future…..
Erin72 – so cry. really, just cry. it’s okay that you still love him a bit erin, it will take time for that to go away totally.
you are doing lots of good things and you have goals you are working on.
let the toxic sludge come up – the love is part of what needs to bleed off. it will take some time. don’t be concerned by finding a little love. you are going in the right direction. sometimes when there is more calm, that’s when things rise up. it’s okay to feel this and work through it.
Hens – now, are you trying to blame the piece o crap for the virus!? 🙂
Onestep – Nah – I prolly opened a spam mail out of curiosity and got bit by the bug.. I think there are peeps who do nothin but try to infect us, that is their soul purpose in life, they get a thrill by doing damage..
E72 – One step is right about the crying, dont hold it in, we all need a good snot slobberin soul shaking cry.. Hey you were in love with the dood, call him an illusion , mirror, lie, what ever but the fact remains, I will always love my X, he represented everything I ever wanted – excuse me while I go barf – but maybe some of you can relate to that – I am not blind ‘yet’ but it took me awhile to realize he was representing the devil.
sure it wasn’t from the porn sites? 🙂