A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
I just don’t know what is going on today. I just sit here wondering why on earth I got stuck with the sociopathic father. I mean out of all the human beings to be my parents I got the sociopathic father and an abusive mother. My dad just doesn’t care about us kids at all. I mean he left my little brother at a stranger’s house. My mom just beats the crap out of us for no reason. Whether it be a bad marriage, breakup, stressed at work or anything to just express anger. I mean she stopped awhile back but she doesn’t see why I need a job. She is bothered that I want to stick with my job instead of visiting her. Its not like I don’t want to but to live with a guy who doesn’t give a hoot if you have to use the metro at night. Everytime I look at someone else’s parents, their parents are helping them get their stuff for college. I’m stuck doing it on my own with money I earned at my job. Its not that I can’t do it on my own. It would just be better if I knew my family was there. But I am happy to say that, I got my financial aid and now my tuition is decreased to about 19,000 dollars from about 36,000 dollars. I’m also happy that I’m moving towards the exit away from my dad. My mom, on the other hand, I forgave her.
hiya Oxy!
way above you wrote: if someone is trying to jack me around or any form of dishonesty, out the door!
interesting.
Two years NC now and i’m doing great … still a little curious, can still cry for a moment over the deception if i think about it, but i’m really good. but lately, i’ve been feeling nervous, feeling bad about myself, feeling tentative, and wondering why.
then i realized that a female friend of mine — a ‘healer’ — had become very admonishing to me … scolding, really. one night i just realized that i’m walking on eggshells with her, and look back on emails and voice messages to see a pattern of … well… abuse! “don’t say ‘can’t’ to ME!” “your bad energy is making my nervous system sick!” after a visit to my beautiful apartment: “there is a BAD entity here, and your apartment is making me SICK … smudge!”
well, she’s had this ‘negative’ energy all her life … even wrote about it in a book. i realized she had to go, especially after she refused to apologize for writing a particularly mean email which included denigrating comments about my nationality.
well, i realized i was being JACKED AROUND! here i was kissing her ass, apologizing everytime i said or did something she didn’t deem to be spiritual enough for her. OUT SHE GOES!!!
i thought i would feel bad. she’s been a friend forever. the next day i was skipping around and felt so freakin’ liberated! the thing is, i’ve never had trouble with women, so she flew under my radar, and i really did think i was the problem. after all, she’s beautiful and ladylike and successful and thin, blah blah blah, and her subtle messages to me that i perhaps wanted to ‘grow up’ to be like her were everywhere.
now i know, like you said, if anybody is jerkin’ me around … out they go. i feel like a new person, i’ve lost 20 lbs since june 1st, and everyday feels better.
thanks for your reinforcement!
towanda!
hurtnomore: i am so sorry to read your post. don’t kid yourself. many, many kids don’t have supportive parents. my dad was a sociopath, too. abused me, hit us and my mom, i used to lock myself in my room when i heard his car door slam when he came home from work. i also struggled through college and life, and it took my mom, a victim who at 80 is just beginning to understand what we all went through, many years to realize i needed emotional and financial (sometimes) support. but she’s on board and has read this blog.
i also used to think that everyone’s parents were normal and nice. but strangely, others thought that about me, too.
be good to yourself, surround yourself with loving people, and move forward … one day at a time.
things are so often not what they seem, and it takes time and hindsight to see that.
you sound like a hard-working, good person. be blessed …
hurtnomore – if you take my council seriously it will change your life.
look at your above post. make your life about the part of it that starts with: ‘ but i am happy to say that….’
really focus on thinking and doing things that develop your strength and independence. and speaking about it in a positive manner. make that your template for your relationship with yourself, and by extension, with the world.
what i am describing is a ‘practice’, and like all practices it is work. but the rewards will be well worth it. you are young enough to see great results from working with your mind to become independent of self defeating thoughts and thought processes.
no amount of grief or sadness will change who your family is. it just won’t. feel these feelings. let them come and go. but don’t get stuck in confusion. confusion is nothing more than internal gymnastics; a bargaining within your pysche to have your family be okay if you just, or they just…. Whenever you feel confused, just say to yourself: ’they are disordered and dysfunctional, and will never pull me up in life; even though they may help at times the only thing consistent with them is their lack and inconsistency.’
work hard at accepting that you cannot expect them to change. but YOU can save yourself from their dysfunction. that is your job, and a big one. use your energy there.
stop questioning why others have and you don’t – change your focus – you don’t have, so what can you do to move forward in your life, and to have good relationships? Focus on this.
i know the hand you have been dealt sucks. not accepting the reality of your parent’s dysfunction, staying in confusion – these things will sow the seeds of resentment and bitterness. there ARE NO ANSWERS in your family to the questions you are asking. the answers live in your living a different life. (and in seeking help, guidance from others outside your family; and in developing your strength and resilience for when there just isn’t any worldly help) lose the victim mentality, leave the abuser/ victim mentality – move into your spirit’s life – it is one that you are to live.
break free. both simple and hard. you ARE moving ahead. and CONGRATULATIONS on getting your funding!
thank you both, one step and losting grief.
one_step: I had a feeling since I was younger to keep minimal contact with my family. I also wanted to keep my life private and to discontinue the dysfunction and abuse. I’m working on that but its so hard. My other siblings keep in contact with my two aunts who mistreat us. I chose not to speak to them because I don’t want to be mistreated anymore. Its so hard because everybody says you have no choice but to deal with your family. You can’t keep minimal contact. But I feel that the further away from my family the better my life will be. I chose to go to another school in another state. My mom keeps saying I have to speak to my two aunts that is what family is.
hurtnomore – your spirit knows. all this ‘family’ talk is just convention. something humans do at times. ‘everybody’ can just get stuffed.
so first practice – keep supporting your own spirit. pay attention to what it knows. state the obvious to yourself – ‘ i listen to my spirit, not to convention’
“Delete yourself from the lie.” is a great phrase.
Read the conversation with a man on http://www.womenexplode.com and the thread beneath it.
It is honest and clear about the male intentions.
Kay,
Thanks for sharing this email. I’m starting to wonder if there is one generic email form they all work off of. “Insert this emotion here___. Insert this line here____.” So much of what he wrote to you sounded like the dribble I had received for so long.
“Delete yourself from the lie.” I LOVE this! In a sense, I think that’s what recovery is all about, deleting yourself from all their lies and deleting them from our lives. Good post!
Cat
Style 1,
Hi Style 1 –
Am curious, are you one of the founders (Ann or Amy) of the recently formed blogspot womenexplode.com?
One_step,
I know what you mean. I still have knots in my stomach from reading that because I believe it to be absolute gospel. I read it to a friend of mine and she had the same response. I am afraid to even consider what he had in mind. I am thankful I’m not around to find out!