A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
I Read the conversation with “A man”
it was mediocre…it hasnt changed my life or anything…it was um ok…the articles here on lovefraud are better in my humble one opinion…
Dear LIG,
Yep, I had several “friends” in my circle that were LONG time “close” friends and eventually I realized these people were my “friends” for the BENEFITS they got from me…but it was NOT a reciprocal relationship, the giving and the helping went ALL one way.
My best friend and I have been “best friends” since 1985 and she lives in Texas and I live in Arkansas a 7 hour drive, but we have BEEN there for each other from the get go, we visit, we do things for each other, we give each other things, we support each other, we laugh together and we cry together—and I couldn’t count the things she has done for me, and I can’t count the things I have done for her. The NUMBER is not important, what IS important is that I love her and I know she loves me. She treats me with courtesy and kindness, and if I need my butt kicked she will do that too. LOL
But people who try to USE me for their benefit, who try to put as “FAST ONE” over on me, or are TAKE TAKE TAKE or have a sense of ENTITLEMENT for me to take care of their needs—–NOPE, and as Lady McBeth said “OUT, DAMN SPOT!”
Dear Hurtnomore,
You say your financial aid came through and now you only need $19,000 to pay the rest of your tuition for your school, which costs I believe $36,000. Who are you expecting to pay the $19,000? That is quite a bit of cash actually.
You say that your mother beat you and your father controls you in every way. I hadn’t heard you say anything previously about your mother also being a problem. You say you have “forgiven” her.
Has she :
1) acknowledged what she did by beating you was wrong?
2) has she acknowledged that she knows it hurt you?
3) has she told you she was sorry she did it?
4) has she promised to never do it again?
A person who SEEKS our forgiveness will do those things if they are sincere with their sorrow and shame for doing something to hurt us.
Forgiving a person for hurting us is one thing, to me it means getting the bitterness about it out of MY heart, but i t does NOT mean that I will trust them.
You also say your mother tells you that you must have contact with your aunts who are your “family” so she too is trying to control what you do and what you think.
I am not sure what culture you come from but many cultures insist that “family” must be endured no matter what they do, other cultures like some in India will literally do an “honor killing” of a woman who does not marry who they wish her to or marries out of her cast, or has sex before marriage.
So not knowing the cultural components of what your family is trying to accomplish, it may be that your Americanization may be classing with your parents’ culture as much as anything.
It may also be that the college you would LIKE to attend is so expensive that if either your mother or father won’t or can’t pick up the bill for the $19,000, then you may have to get a job, and go to work, save your money and go to a cheaper community college and not be able to go to the more expensive college.
I know that if my child needed $19,000 per year for tuition, I would not be able to supply that amount. My 2 sons who went to college, worked and paid most of their own tuition at state school, and qualified for some scholarships and grants, but basically, they paid for it themselves.
When I went to college, I borrowed money, went to a state school, and got a small grant, and worked as well.
I know you are frustrated at your father’s attitude and control over you, but if you lived in MY house there would be rules as well. My adult son D lives in my house and we are great friends and “roommates” but he keeps me informed of when he is leaving, where he is going, and when to expect him home. This is just a SAFETY and COURTESY to each other, and if I go some where I make sure to notify him as well with the same information.
He has chores around here because he lives here too….we have the chores divided. When my other adult son C moved back here for a while, he also had chores to do and to pay his share of the utilities, his own phone, provide his own vehicle, etc. so the person who OWNS the “home” (even if it is rented) is the one who makes the rules. If you don’t like the rules, then LEAVE and provide your own home, and make your own rules.
My son C decided he didn’t like some of the rules I made and so he lied to me about it, and the BIG RULE here is to NOT lie, so when he did lie and I found out, I asked him to leave my house.
When you are out of high school or are 18, your parents are no longer OBLIGATED to house and support you, or to pay your tuition in college. Some people do, out of love, continue to let their children live at home and to give them money, or pay college or buy them cars, or even buy them a house, but they are not OBLIGATED to.
However, if you accept support from someone, if they are paying your college, money for living, housing, vehicle, etc. they are going to EXPECT you to follow THEIR rules most of the time. Unfortunately some of these payments are not really UNconditional gifts, but payments on control….do what I want or I will cut off funds, and they do have that right.
So you might want to think about some things, and maybe even consider supporting yourself and going to a cheaper college.
Good luck.
Kay-geez, you’re right-that e-mail was a big trigger. I am PMS right now and a little emotional-no tears though. The ENTIRE e-mail was identical to everything that my ex told me everyday for the year that we were together.
I too, was his pawn in his little game. He told me everyday how I was his princess and his whole world. His life changed when I came into it. He was going to spend the rest of his life with me. I completed his life. I was going to have his baby. He was never ever going to love anyone else the way he loved me and he was never ever going to have sex with everyone else but me for the rest of his life-etc. Sometimes it’s still a little hard to believe that someone would do that-after all, my N mother told me that there was good in everyone and to give everyone a chance and always forgive.
I finally made a statement on facebook this morning that I will make again here. This time last year I would have told you that my 30’s was the worst decade of my entire life. I realize now that it’s the best. I will add comments to that here that I wouldn’t put on FB. This time last year I was dying in pain after being discarded. I was unemployed and couldn’t keep a job because I was an emotional wreck and completely broken down and devastated. Even though I now have to deal with his wife being at my job, I am still satisfied.
I will be 38 soon and I have learned more in this decade than I have in my entire life. I know that my parents’ upbringing caused some MAJOR damage in my life and some of that helped me to be so vulnerable to the repeated socios and narcissists that have been in my life. I broke that cycle this year. None of those people will ever be in my life as a lover ever again. I see all the red flags. I used to trust everyone until they gave me a reason not to, and now I distrust everyone until they give me a reason to trust them.
I still have a long way to go. I have serious journaling and examining to do still. My home life caused me to comfort myself with food and spending money. We had a strict ex-Marine gunnery Sgt Hartman type of father who did not allow us to express feelings/emotions-that kind of stuff was weak and made him angry. I learned to shove all my fears, anger,and sadness down deep inside. It’s a pressure cooker-eventually it boils over and with me it be like a volcano erupting. Be the time I got to college, I couldn’t stuff the feelings anymore. That’s when I started gaining weight and falling into serious debt problems. My sisters handled our childhood by becoming anorexic/bulemic. I handled it by eating junk food and stopped exercising.
Now here in my late thirties I am finally learning to be satisfied with myself, learning to like myself and getting my finances in order and finally will be getting the career that will make me most happy. I am reading about objectivism and it appeals to me on some level. I am going to pick up my guitar again and get serious learning how to play it and getting my piano back. I will be doing things to de-stress me and make me happy. I joined another gym and I am trying to establish a better program for myself. I am cleaning out my apartment and getting rid of crap and clutter that I don’t need.
I am also seriously thinking about moving to another to another city where I used to live-after the first of the year. I can’t decide for sure now but I will see how it goes. Going to STL would really help me out in beginning my police career. The cost of living is WAY less than NOLA and the PD in STL has better training, better pay, and they supply all equipment except my shoes. I’m starting to feel like it doesn’t make sense to stay here.
I just feel way more content with myself right now and I feel like I’m on my way out of the darkness.
erin72 – man, you are gooooood when you are premenstrual.
one_step-LOL girl. I hope you are doing well. I hope the job is good. Yeah, I woke up with this feeling this morning. I have been cleaning out this place and went to Barnes and Noble and spent $65 on books. I did have one major meltdown due to the IRS and Louisiana Dept. of Revenue. I had a good cry and then I was fine. I had to calm down and realize that it wasn’t doing me any good to panic. I have finally figured out that I am going to have to get an accountant and do amendments to my taxes from 2006-2008 because I made major mistakes due to inexperience, ignorance, and computer problems. I don’t think that I will owe them what they think I owe them.
So I had my little anxiety attack and now I’m relaxed. I’m not letting myself stress anymore. No more freaking out about anything-not even my ride in the elevator with the spath’s wife last night at work. She after all is the unhappy one because she has him!
Erin1972 – you rock, girl. Indeed, you are safe and the world is your oyster! If you want to move, you CAN! You can do anything that you put your mind to! You can BE whatever you want, and LIVE your life instead of just existing in it.
Pity the spath’s wife even though she chooses to stay with him. She must be so miserable and she likely has been so brainwashed that she believes that she somehow deserves her misery. She is not living – she is merely existing. Yes, pity her and KEEP that forward momentum!
TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brightest blessings! 😀
Buttons-thank’s girl. I’m trying to do more than merely exist in my life. It’s real weird how sometimes I get flooded with memories about the love I felt for him and it feels sad. I really hate PMS. That’s when I think of the good times and feel sad. Then I have to remember how I felt at night when he went home to HER. I never plan to go through that type of pain EVER again. I SO did NOT deserve that. I don’t deserve having that happen to me.
It’s hard because this is my home and I don’t want to leave it. People that are not from here have a hard time relating to how NOLA is in your heart and you can’t shake it. At the same time, sometimes I feel like it’s so depressing here. I want to enjoy life and be happy. I’m not making any decisions until after the first of the year.
I am starting to get really frustrated with myself. It’s been a year since I’ve been with my psychopath. He’s had tons of girls since then and has clearly moved on (let’s be honest, he was another girl the day he broke it off with me) I tried so hard to get him to break it off. Anytie I triede, he would lure me back in until I accepted that I would have to wait for him to end it. And he finally did. But I was still so hurt. Maybe partly because he ended it over text message, after nearly two years together. And now it’s a year later, my life has moved on, but inside I feel like I’ve made no progress. I’m still sad. I havn’t felt happy in who knows how long. Over a year. I’m still haunted by memories. When will I feel happiness again? I’m beginning to think that emotions aren’t felt, only pretend and make believe. So many things are happening that I should be rejoicing about but all I can do is pretend to be excited and happy about them. am I alone here? just don’t know what else to do. this negativity has pushed people away and I don’t even have friends. even my family hardly likes me now.
Butterfly_0924 {{gentle hugs}} You will feel happy. It takes some time to get our feet firmly planted on our healing paths. The “memories” are merely that: memories which are OUR perception of what we wanted to believe. What really was is far darker and uglier.
One of the ways that I learned how to feel that joy again was to wake up, very, very early and sit outside and watch the world wake up. Listening to the birds calling back and forth and watching the light go from grey to pink. Life is good. We’re safe. We’re going to be whole, again, and we weren’t in the obituaries when we woke up.
Brightest healing blessings to you!!!