A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
You’re completely right. the memories I hold are skewed to be either better or worse than what really happened. And I may never remember the truth so I just need to let go. I have a second chance. So many worse things could have happened to me. I wasn’t raped (almost but not quite) I wasn’t killed. I wasn’t even with him for too long. Thank goodness I said no when he proposed. He isn’t my responsibility or problem. All I can do now is ensure that I protect myself from other psychos and forgive myself for being weak. One day I’ll be able to write happy songs and feel it when I smile. One day at a time. Thank you Buttons. cute name, btw.
Butterfly, you will be just fine. This site as been a revelation to me. I was fortunate enough to come across this site before I instituted No Contact. It was a struggle to overcome the bewilderment that I felt and the realization that my brief marriage was now over. But reading the articles, comments and all the material on this site and others has helped the process along alot faster than me trying to do it alone. You are here, so you don’t have to do it alone. There are others who are in various stages of healing and you share different experiences. They have helped me heal. I wish it could do the same for you.
Peace!
Butterfly-I totally understand how you feel. It’s been a year since mine discarded me. He was the love of my life and my first time being in love. Did you see The Notebook? My love for him was like the couple in the movie but he was just pretending to be the same way. He really deserves an academy award for what he did.
I am not feeling happy either. I do feel satisfied that I am over the intense pain and I feel empowered by what I’ve learned from the experience and by being on this blog. Talking to people on LF really saved me and helped me move on from it. I feel positive about me and the future and am learning to like myself. I haven’t since I was about 10 years old-it’s what enabled me to fall for him in the first place.
The one thing that really bothers me is seeing sex and love making happening on TV and in the movies. I can watch the romantic films and programs and I’m fine, until the sex starts and I start bawling all over the place. I can’t understand why yet that I’m affected like this. It’s the only time I feel pain. It’s the only time I miss him. It may be that sex is such a serious thing to me and I CAN’T do it casually-never have been able to. I was date raped when I was 21 and I was a virgin when it happened. I didn’t have sex for almost 10 years after that. I was only with 2 other people before the spath ex. I never enjoyed it until I met him. I always felt like something was missing when I had sex. He was the first orgasm for me.
All this really drives me crazy and I wish someone could tell me why it happens. I don’t miss him and I DEFINITELY do NOT want him back and the thought of being with him now makes me feel sick since I don’t know that he didn’t cheat on me. I heard that he did but he denied it and I couldn’t believe him. A month or so ago I watched the Notebook. I hadn’t seen it since it first came out and I wanted to prove that I could handle it. I was completely fine until the couple had sex for the first time and then I broke down. When I see this on the screen I actually have flashbacks of when we were together-particularly the first time. THe first time we both cried and it is hardwired in my memory. I am just waiting for it to go away. I don’t know if I should keep watching the movies until it goes away or stop watching them.
I’d love some opinions from people here. Who wants to analyze my behavior? At this point I really don’t believe that I can handle ever having sex again. I don’t think I can ever have sex with anyone but him and part of me doesn’t want to. I just wish I could understand.
I remember the first time I felt Joy. I had walked up a hill, and looked back that I had traveled so far. And the view was so beautiful. The sun literally swept across the valley, changing the hillside opposite from a brown cast to a golden sheen. The feeling welled up in me and I had to sit down for the intensity of it. JOY. I hadn’t felt it in over uncounted years. In fact I never thought of it, didn’t even realize it was gone. Not until that moment, which I believe was a gift from God. Sat and cried. So glad no one saw me! But I did feel that I got my soul back, and now I look for inspirations of joy.
Erin1972, did you know that sex releases Oxytocin? It is the hormone that helps mammals BOND during sex. Bet you don’t want him. I bet you want that feeling with someone trushworthy who cherishes you.I bet THAT’s what you miss. IMHO
healingfast – you are being careful given his cover and that is very wise. keep taking good care of yourself.
best,
one step
erin72 – thanks re the job et al.
i am struggling. health is still precarious and the job – well i am still a bit of a wreck (both emotionally and cognitively), and there are challenges that have nothing to do with me, so it is hard.
i have my first appt with the PTSD shrink on monday – if i can walk into her office – allergies and all.
one day at a time.
best,
one step
Erin,
I echo your feelings. I avoid watching romantic movies at all. But, sex (with him) especially is so missed, that sometimes still I entertain thoughts about it. I think it’s normal because it shows the depth of attachment on our part and the art of skill on theirs. I don’t know the answer, except that I think it’s normal and time will heal that too.
I have had sex afterwards, though sporadically and with not much attachment. It will never ever be the same. I had the best in bed. Still, good riddance. If I knew that I was literally buying a male prostitute, I’d probably feel differently.
When I was a teen, I was violated (raped) and as a result did not perform certain acts. When I asked him why he’d cheated on me with all these women, he KNOWINGLY what had happened in my life, blamed me for not performing those acts often enough. I recall feeling dumbfounded. Here is the man who very obviously loved me and only me, knew the deepest of my secrets and so callously discarded me all at once. It is normal to miss and crave. I think the best is yet to come.
KatyDid, YEP—what she says about oxytocin is true E72, for sure. The thing is that the psychopath has trouble with the bonding, they can’t handle the Oxytocin and get the same feeling out of it we do. I honestly think they know somehow we get SOMETHING out of sex that they don’t and they WANT IT…and I think that might be one reason they change partners so often is they think each “new” person might be THE ONE that would give them that “whatever it is” that we get from sex etc. that they don’t.
I also understand what you said about going up the hill and realizing you were suddenly feeling JOY…the pain may start suddenly but it doesn’t leave suddenly, and the joy sneaks back in quietly and you may not even notice that it is in the room….but it just is THERE and you see it, and feel it and know that it crept back in while you weren’t looking.
Keep up your hope and keep looking at the horizon and keep going toward the goal. It’s a journey not a destination. Love Oxy
GettingIT-mine knew about my past as well and he was super attentive and careful with me, even though it had been a long time since the violation. I did find out that I AM much better in bed than I thought I was. He also knew that I had never had an orgasm prior to him so it really affected him when it happened our first time. It affected us both all the time. Our sex life was perfect. We would fall asleep all wrapped up in a ball afterwards and not move for hours. We always thought-who sleeps like this? Do other couples do that?
I don’t feel like I could even kiss another person without bursting into tears, much less have sex. I don’t want to have sex ever again. I don’t think I could handle it. I feel like I have come SO FREAKIN far in the healing process exept for this. Right now I am totally PMSing so it’s much worse. I think it’s true about the oxytocin and the bonding but I wonder if sociopaths/narcissists have less of it than normal men. I know their testosterone is higher. He hadn’t sex with his wife for over 6 years when we got together and I know it’s true because she told me. He told HER he was impotent after having heart surgery and was afraid he would need to get viagra when we got together. He sure as hell didn’t need it. He was 52 and I was 36 but we had NO PROBLEMS in that department.
I just freakin wish I could quit thinking about it.
erin72 – the last few days i have been thinking about the fake boy the spath made. he was beautiful in many many ways. (including the photos she ripped off of a young artist to ‘be’ him) took me a couple of day s to realize why i was missing him – one step is feeling randy! it’s not a wanting touch or emotional closeness thing – i have those deprivations also – it’s sex. and ‘he’ was sex. so i let it float. let it be here. knowing he never existed, i could never have what was offered…but i let the desire and the memories just float.
should have been a clue (that i am wanting sex) when i started thinking of my n ex. too late from spring fever – but whatever it is, it’s raging (in a nice way).
i am just thinking about how public this forum is, and how people i have never met and never read posts from are reading this. it’s odd.
ps – re your thinking about this constantly – as females we are programmed to want sex premenstrually – it’s about propagating the species. it will bring this stuff up. it IS actually hormonal.
this area, where you feel so wounded and unhealed – this area is the gift erin – it has info for you to go deeper and further into yourself and heal