A few weeks ago, Lovefraud published a letter from “Kay” —This was all about him and all about what he needed. Kay has written again, with Part 2 of her story.
It’s Kay, I am back with more memories I uncovered which were hidden in my subconscious about this sociopath. I hope this helps Lovefraud readers once again. I have taken the time to re-read some of his emails, all of them actually, trying to piece together an otherwise really, really Long Lie which consumed one-and-a-half years of my life.
Here is one of his emails where he LIES about everything he feels… WARNING — There are TRIGGERS here. I am sure you some of you have heard some or all of this before….
Like I told you the other day I don’t know what it is about you that drives me crazy.. And I don’t want to know.. I just never want it to end.. I love the way you make me feel.. You bring happiness to my life and peace to my soul.. In you I have found my destiny.. My joy.. My love of my life… My bestfriend.. My lover.. My everything.. Your love makes me feel like I’m on top of the world… You are like a drug to me… I can’t get enough of you and your love… I now understand why you sometimes acted the way you did with me.. Baby I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.. That I did that to us.. I will never take you for granted ever again.. Your my world.. Your my everything… And I live you with all my heart… Your an amazing woman and mother… And you’ll be an amazing wife… And I want to be everything that you need and want and desire in your life for ever and ever… I wouldn’t change anything in my life because it has lead me to you…
I love you baby…
Please note ALL THE ABOVE IS A LIE. There was no veracity to anything said in the above e-mail to me. This was his way of “voicing” what he knew I wanted to hear. I was never his best friend, the love of his life, he apologizes only to do it again, he says he will never take me for granted, he left me three weeks after this email was written. He left me once his ex-wife started to suspect something was going on. He quickly flew the coop. He had no intentions of staying with me ever. I was a pawn in his chess game. Only I was smarter than he counted on. I called him on it.
It has come to surface that he was, in fact, leading his ex-wife and me on at the same time. One of my friends casually drove by his home only to see his former wife’s car there just one week after our relationship was over. She was warned. We took the time to warn her. Anonymously, but we did. She is well aware of this behavior and continues to return to this relationship. He is her problem now. I have moved on but continue to heal from this lie. It was a really long lie that I believed. The whole relationship was a lie. I have always taken great pride in my intelligence but I was fooled.
The longer you stay, the longer the lie lives. Delete yourself from the lie.
I share this with you because strength comes with knowledge of the damage these sociopaths can cause. We believe the lies. I believed everything he said to me. Everything.
This “relationship” was my first sexual experiences and I never wanted to do it but felt pressured to. And after the first night, I woke up and hated him and hated myself. He just wanted more and more. Soon I realized that he would only give me his full attention if I was pleasing him so I did but I hated it. Sex creates such a bond between two people. Oxytocin is also released through breast milk and is passed on from mother to child–that is how strong it is, just think of That bond! I sympathize with you, although I don’t completely comprehend because I havn’t been through it to that degree, sex was basicallly ruined for me. I don’t even enjoy kissing guys. It feels like a chore.
Not to mention, the first guy I actually went on a date with after my psychopath ended it (probably six months later) who kissed me ended our two month fling the same way my psycho did, through a text message saying “I just don’t like you anymore.” I’m just glad the guy only wanted to kiss me with a goodnight peck a few times.
Anyways, thanks for all the words of encouragment. I feel so much better right now.
Oxy-I don’t how I feel about him not getting what I was getting. That’s what confused me about how our relationship played out-with him turning on me suddenly the way he did. I know he faked a lot of stuff but I just don’t know if he could fake that.
I guess I just don’t understand a lot about it. I have had this huge flood of really tough memories this afternoon-PMS and all. I think it’s cuz she’s around me. We were in the elevator together yesterday evening. I see her and she’s nothing and I see myself young and beautiful and think-why would ANY MAN choose that over me—even though I have NO FREAKIN EARTHLY DESIRE for him to be in my life. I don’t understand why I’m feeling like this. This morning I was totally different. I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks today.
I’m starting to feel like I need to go back to STL but the thought of leaving my home in NOLA makes my heart sick. I just really wish I didn’t still have these days where I feel like this. I feel like an idiot!
butterfly-I’m glad you feel better. We all need these little moments of encouragement. I have just been flooded with memories and flashbacks that started this afternoon and they hurt. It aggravates the shit out of me that I still get like this after so much time has passed. I just wonder if it’s ever going to stop completely. I hate it!
Let yourself feel it because until you feel it, you can’t let it go. In other words, if you don’t eat the sandwich, you can’t digest it and you can’t poop it out.
It hurts yeah and it’s confusing and frustrating but just let yourself feel it. We sometime repress things because we’re afraid to feel them. It’s ok to feel this way. It’s not ok to act on it. But feeling is not acting. In fact, feeling is somewhat opposite of acting, one can argue.
Butterfly-that’s true. Thank God I don’t have to act on it. It’s so weird that I feel this way though because if he were standing in front of me right now, I would say NO FREAKIN WAY. His wife told me that she heard that he was cheating on me. He denied it and got really upset-saying you know I would never do that to you. The problem is-that if he can do it to her 4 times and she’s his wife, no matter how much he says “I love you” to me, he’s still being dishonest.
I guess he’s proven that he’s one of the guys who can have his cake and eat it too. He can promise me that he will be with me forever and NEVER have sex with anyone but me ever again and then come home and say, “I don’t love you anymore-I just used you for sex”. That is hateful. This is why I get so mad when I have these days. I don’t LIKE moving backwards in all this!
erin72 – i don’t think you are moving backwards at all – just going deeper inwards – feeling and releasing on a deeper level.
don’t worry. it’s okay.
OH, man, I recently got an email like this from my S after I told a lot of people including his landlord about his lies. He basically learned I could mess up his life, and he wanted to “apologize to me” so maybe I’d stop. The email went something like “I’m so sorry. I considered you nothing short of my better half. I love you. I still do. You trusted me, and I destroyed that. I’ve done all these things to such a beuatiful person, and I’m so sorry for that. I never ever intentionally meant to hurt you.” A few months ago, this is all I wanted to hear. Today? Today I read it and thought, what a load of horse crap. If you cared about me, you’d have said this MONTHS ago and not the day after I got you kicked out of your building. If you cared, you’d have said something rather than just abandoned me and left my crying and confused and devastated without answers. If I mattered, you wouldn’t be now telling lies about me to other pople and telling them I’m “crazy” so they won’t believe things I tell them about you. SO FULL. OF. CRAP.
PS: I recently posted a new post on blog about his whole “painting people as crazy” thing if you’d like to check it out. http://www.theunlikelytarget.blogspot.com
Erin72, They enjoy sex, I wasn’t meaning that they didn’t but they don’t get the RUSH of bonding that we do. I think somehow they know we get “something” that they don’t and they WANT it…thus keep on trying different partners, different positions, etc. but they can’t figure out what we are getting….maybe I am wrong but just a thought.
Butterfly, I know right now it seems like “sex is dirty” and that is okay for you to feel that way….right now that is what you need to feel because you were violated, your “self” was taken against your will—i.e. soul rape if you will.
I think if you work on it,, that can change in the future when you find someone who is caring and gentle with you. I understand that people who have been raped as their first experience (or even later) are traumatized against sex and feel they don’t want it.
Sex is (or should be) a bonding ritual between two people who love each other. For psychopaths it is like an elephant in rut. Fast and furious and lots of screaming!
Don’t let this creep who soul raped you take away the wonderful sensations of loving someone and making love to someone. Be patient with yourself though. There’s no rush. Healing takes time and goes forward bit by bit! (((hugs)))) and my prayers.
So so true. I got all those lies too and stupid me believed them – I actually asked myself “Why would he say those things if he didn’t mean them?” LOL
Frank Lee – I have stored in a box in the shed a year’s worth of email and regular post correspondence from him including my responses. I printed them all out many years ago and when I realised what an a**hole he was I took out a highlighter and went through them all to highlight the manipulations, lies and pipe dreams he was trying to sell me. Looking at them now is spine chilling – the words he used to lull me into a spell that lasted more than a decade. Fascinating reading indeed but it still makes me angry to read them so I don’t look now. I’ll keep them for future work though – they’ll help me some day when I”m writing the character of a sociopath – it’s too hard for a normal person to imagine what their world is like so I’ll need the concrete evidence.
Polly….I put everythng in a binder……it is chilling to see NOW….what we were sucked into as ‘love’ then.
SPIT!