LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do I drop the restraining order again?

Editor’s Note. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Ursula.” Nine times, Ursula has filed a restraining order against her husband. Eight times she dropped it. She is due in court within a couple of weeks on the ninth order. He is pressing her to drop it, and she is wavering.

It has been 8 long years, 9 restraining orders and a child and marriage together. From the first date he brought 2 roses, one because I was beautiful, the second in I was worth it at the end of the date, go figure. Then he let me into the passenger’s side of the car and he came into through the drivier’s side and said I failed because I didn’t reach over and unlock his door before he got in.

Well, from there it became deep and full of drama, blamed, shamed, thrown out of cars pregnant, pitting wars between his family and I, lying about me to everyone so I would look bad and not him, lied about the abuse, told me to “shut the fuck up” on a daily basis, diabolical whore, devil woman, slut, stupid bitch, etc. Made me cry and then beg him to forgive me, for what I have no idea, I never knew how to love him right or be a good wife, mother, etc.

Nine Final Restraining orders that I dropped, except for this last one. He is telling me to do the right thing and vindicate him and clear his name because he is not an abuser, and I need to lie and say I committed perjury! Do the right thing, he says, and then HE will consider coming back to me after I build the bridge! Says he never abused me, I am psycho, crazy, turned his whole family against me and my own.

I feel totally alone and he has left us in financial ruin, and has no remorse, it’s all about him and his needs. He took everything I had, where do I go from here when I am so depressed and brainwashed?? DO i drop it again?? Or do I stay alone devastated and totally mind-screwed.

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45 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do I drop the restraining order again?"

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breckgirl, glad to hear you have been busy living your life,
even though it’s with -as you called it- a shadow.
I have missed you,
thank you for the great post!!! Good advice.

Delta sorry for the enormous purge!!!! Had a great day catching up with the 17 years old and all her siblings and step siblings. She dropped in for about 2 hours and for the first time ever we sat down and talked as adults about everything! She know’s me and know’s the truth and that is all that matters! She will be 18 soon, so hopefully we can have a normal relationship before too long. The kids miss her so much and I am extremely proud of the girl she is today! 🙂

Dani….Good for you. Heartwarming I know!!!

I believe kids will always see what they need to see in their own time. And the more they are ‘pushed’ away from someone, the more they ‘see’ why.


Oh yay Dani S. Thanks for your message as it’s really good to know that I was able to help a little.

I’m very glad indeed that things have worked out so far with 17 yr old and auntie.

Really once we go ‘No Contact’ the healing begins, your life is going to get better and better if you keep your antenna up and ‘doing what your doing’.

I think you deserve a treat after all this drama – a lovely long bath soak (with bubbles) or something pampering to reward yourself for getting through this little ‘crisis’ so well this time.



EB you are so right!!!! kids do eventually get it! I was so disappointed the day I woke up and realised my own parents were not perfect lol, Hope everything is going well for you at the moment and you have some peace from the madness for the time being. I love your strength and conviction, your children have a lot to admire in their mum or should I say mom! The more crap the ex gives you, the stronger he is making you, be proud!

Delta Thank you again! I did treat myself to nearly a whole pizza, god I hate for being an emotional eater LOL! but what a day of such mixed emotions….. Now I am searching for the lolly jar! Maybe you are right a soak in the bath with bubbles and some bubbles in a glass is the go!

The 17 year old told me she has taken up Martial Arts for the past 18 months for the sole reason if she ever runs into her father again she wants to kick his arse for the past 17 years of hurt, betrayal and abuse. She says to her own mother that she no longer has a father! I love her strength and like EB look out she is turning herself into a machine not to be messed with and I am so glad unlike her mother she can see her father for the evil spath he is and has every intention of wiping him for the rest of her life. She also told me when we were married her mother gave him the her key card as he needed money for something and he cleaned the whole account out $4,000, the money she was saving for her first car. I had no idea, I am sure I only ever knew what that man was up to about 10% of the time! I hope Karma comes in the form of a very big angry Elephant and squishes him like a helpless ant and then poo’s on him!!
🙂 🙂 🙂

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