Editor’s Note. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Ursula.” Nine times, Ursula has filed a restraining order against her husband. Eight times she dropped it. She is due in court within a couple of weeks on the ninth order. He is pressing her to drop it, and she is wavering.
It has been 8 long years, 9 restraining orders and a child and marriage together. From the first date he brought 2 roses, one because I was beautiful, the second in I was worth it at the end of the date, go figure. Then he let me into the passenger’s side of the car and he came into through the drivier’s side and said I failed because I didn’t reach over and unlock his door before he got in.
Well, from there it became deep and full of drama, blamed, shamed, thrown out of cars pregnant, pitting wars between his family and I, lying about me to everyone so I would look bad and not him, lied about the abuse, told me to “shut the fuck up” on a daily basis, diabolical whore, devil woman, slut, stupid bitch, etc. Made me cry and then beg him to forgive me, for what I have no idea, I never knew how to love him right or be a good wife, mother, etc.
Nine Final Restraining orders that I dropped, except for this last one. He is telling me to do the right thing and vindicate him and clear his name because he is not an abuser, and I need to lie and say I committed perjury! Do the right thing, he says, and then HE will consider coming back to me after I build the bridge! Says he never abused me, I am psycho, crazy, turned his whole family against me and my own.
I feel totally alone and he has left us in financial ruin, and has no remorse, it’s all about him and his needs. He took everything I had, where do I go from here when I am so depressed and brainwashed?? DO i drop it again?? Or do I stay alone devastated and totally mind-screwed.
Dear Ursula,
Thank you for sharing your situation with us.
Why do you think he wants the restraining order dropped? Of course to save his face.
Him come back to you? AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT MORE OF THIS DRAMA/TRAUMA/ABUSE? It is all about HIM CONTROLLING YOU. YOu are not his “wife” you are his PROPERTY and he does not want to let his PROPERTY ESCAPE.
You stay ALONE for now but you HEAL. You CANNOT HEAL if you are with him, because HE is what you are healing from!
God bless you. Get that final order and then no matter how much you “miss” him, remember the times he has abused you and if (and WHEN because he will) violate that order, put his butt in jail. It is the only way you will be able to protect yourself from him. He will most likely stalk you some, but keep him NO CONTACT, and that means his family and any mutual friends as well. ANY contact with him will put you back to square one. Stay here and read and read all the old archiv ed articles here (just the articles for now, not all the comments as well yet) It will give you strength. Come here and blog, say anything, any where—we will stand behind you like a large force of friends who care—you do not deserve to be devalued and abused. You deserve better, but you must fight to keep him awayt!!!!! This is the time. Take a stand! You are stronger than you knoq. ((((Hugs))))) and my prayers for your wisdom, healing and safety!
Hi Ursula
Just to say you sound like you’re in a tough situation and that you’re really truely among people here who want to try to support you if they can. In my short-time here LF has been very supportive and people will not judge you whatever decisions you choose to make.
It sounds to me as though you are feeling completely broken down and ‘blackmailed’ at this point. I’m sorry you’re having these experiences.
All I’ll say is that In my experience (UK) a restraining order can be ‘dropped/revoked’ later by you if it’s not needed.
You’re telling the truth to us, I assume you’re going to tell the truth to the Court etc. So how can you be going ‘so far wrong’? I am concerned however, that if you don’t win your case you won’t feel ‘believed’ – as Court judgements and ‘truth’ can be and often are a long ways from one another. But maybe you do have a good legal case, of course it’s not possible to say here at this site.
So a restraining order may solve some but not all the difficulties in your life with your husband right now. However – by taking this step you will be sending a message that you are taking back control of your life (by hook or by crook). Of course an abusive man doesn’t want you to have any control in this situation. Of course he doesn’t want people to ‘know’.
But truely you have the right to ‘have your voice, to tell your truth and be safe/happy.’ Do you know why – because that right belongs to EVERYONE!
OxDrover is very experienced (from reading her posts) and gives great advice. I think she is right. Start with the main articles and go on from there. There’s lots of information here. But be sure to get good legal advice in your own case etc as this is support forum and not really laid out to answer clearly how to deal with legal/court stuff clearly, for a start we’re posting from many different locations/states/countries.
I have found domestic abuse services (not just for physical abuse, but for financial, emotional abuse etc) can be really helpful in some areas. Why not give them a try too? They can sometimes provide lists of good lawyers/solicitors who ‘get’ these kind of issues and how to deal with them.
Best and warmest wishes Ursula. Please keep posting if you find it helpful!
Delta 1
Ursula:
Thank you for having the courage to reach out!
NOW…it’s time to follow through.
I received my first TPO as I got out of hospital, my house was ransacked by spath. I was in no condition to defend myself, I had just been told I had cancer.
HE did the same thing, try and talk us into dropping an order, threaten us to drop the order…..they all do! I dropped the first one, because he said he wouldn’t attend counceling unless I did. I did…..and as soon as I dropped it……he was confrimed, he could control me and he did! Until I got wise!!! I regret dropping that first order……BUT…..it tought me to go balls to the wall with ALL the rest! I follow them to a T…..to this day…..3 years later!
It’s to push you to see how far you will go, see how serious you are about ENDING this relationshop! You drop it, your not serious…..it gives them an opening.
Bottom line….if there is a TPO in place….WE SHOULD NOT BE SPEAKING TO THEM!!!!!! NO CONTACT!!! It states this right in the order!
This is where we allow them to ‘gain entry’ into our minds to control our thoughts, feel guilty, allow ourselves to be weakend. NO CONTACT!!!!!
Use this time of N/C to get out…..and start a new life. I swear, I was able to remove myself from his ‘ties’ by this restraining order. I didn’t have the constant barage of I love you’s, the lies, the manipulations, his CRAP.
It gave me peace and it gave me time to realize what I wanted/needed to do to protect my kids!
Tomorrow, I go again for the 3rd stalking and harassment hearing extension for another year. I assure you…..I WILL BE THERE, I will NOT keep his secrets, I will NOT TOLERATE his abuse of ANY kind…….and HE DOESN”T OWN ME! HE CAN”T CONTROL ME or my kids……and this is what I NEED TO DO!!!!!
He may show up…..lies he believes in hand…..some crazy defense hes’ talked himself into…..whatever……or he may NOT show up?
EITHER WAY…..I don’t care……I”M MOVING FORWARD WITH THIS, and I’m gonna continue to follow through, report and keep myself and my kids safe!!!!!
A TPO is NOT a golden fence around us……it is another layer of the law….to keep them away……AND IF they don’t stay away…..there are legal consequences. We also, must abide by this order and NOT allow contact OR contact them! If contact is made in ANY way…..REPORT THIS VIOLATION! Report ALL violations.
I think you are well aware……by dropping a TPO numerous times….you are diminishing your validity to the courts. This is NOT a smart thing to do.
If you apply for a TPO……KEEP IT!
If you remotely think you wont’ need/want it later……DON”T APPLY FOR IT!
Victims must be mindful not to devalue the legal process of TPO’s. It not only effects you, but many, many other victims behind you.
It sounds as if your fear lays in your future. You MUST KNOW…..you can succeed and move beyond this abuse….BUT….he won’t be the one to take you there. YOU must do it for yourself!
We all have this power, we can all ‘save’ ourselves……it’s a long hard road…..but hey…..look at the road your on….it ain’t no cakewalk either!!! GET OUT!!!!!!
Your future with him is clear…..and HE AIN”T GONNA CHANGE!!!
I HIGHLY suggest you keep this order in place and go for an extension…..FOLLOW IT TO THE LETTER……and REPORT ANY/ALL times he contacts you!!!!
Go NO CONTACT! Keep the order….and ENFORCE IT!!!!!
Hello again.
Ursula – I can see ErinBrock has thought of a really important point about dropping any order. It’s possible to do it, but yes in some cases it can go against women later (particularly when it come to child custody cases).
Sometimes a social worker (which I am) or judge can see repeatedly applying for but then dropping orders as evidence that you’ve been intimidated by an abusive partner. However, with less experienced SW’s or unenlightened judges it could be read the the other way that you’re somehow taking these steps for malicious or ‘strategic’ reasons (not what I think I want to be clear here) it’s also possible that any order would be considered ‘unenforceable’ and in the system I work in, ‘unenforceable’ can be grounds for ‘making no order’ at all.
Again this is based on my understanding of the UK system in domestic abuse cases related to child protection. It may not be applicable to your situation.
Please get some good legal advice from someone who understands and specialises in domestic abuse cases in your country/state ASAP.
I think ErinBrock has expressed really well, and better than I could how much you need to make a new future for your and your child! All I can say is, from my own experience as target of an abusive man – they never get better, but YOU CAN get better.
Blessings
Delta 1 x
Ursula,
This man has definitely put you through hell! Keep the restraining order. He has no problem abusing you – take care of you (as hard as it might be). Involvement with a spath flattens you out emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc. You don’t need ANY MORE OF HIS CRAP, having experienced enough chit from him. Let him have consequences to his actions. You deserve so much better, having the RIGHT to exist on a daily basis without him in the picture, stirring up more trouble (DRAMA). No one needs the nonsense that these spaths throw our way.
Ursula, Welcome to Lovefraud. You will find this a healing place. I would just like to add to the sage advice (with which I agree of the others) IT WILL GET BETTER> Right now you feel lost and alone and devastated, but believe me, after a few months of NO CONTACT you will start to feel better, absent his demeaning verbal and other abuse. You will start to have peace in your life, without him destroying it. You will regain your sense of self, absent the lies and manipulation and gaslighting.
Leaving a Spath is a bit like stepping out from a house of mirrors, at first the stability of the real world looks wonky, then suddenly we regain our balance and learn to trust what we see as real again.
It is a long and lonely struggle, but just take care of yourself and your child, hug yourself, say good things to yourself, be proud of every day that you are free of his evil intent.
And remember, there is NO woman who could be the proper wife for him. And there is no reward, emotional, financial or other, for staying in his web and trying to make it work.
I think this is part of what makes it so difficult for those of us that have tried to stay long term with these creatures. We have so much energy invested in trying to do the impossible, in trying to fix the unfixable. It is painful to admit that all our heavy lifting was for naught. But far better to cut and run than to give up more of your sanity and equilibrium to a thankless, heartless, remorseless abuser.
I hope you will keep us posted, and wish you a speedy recovery from a long and painful ordeal.
There is peace and joy on the other side. : )
Ursula-Don’t drop the restraining order.It will be the same stuff different day.You are not a person to him but property or possession.He sees you as someone to dominate and torture.Think of your kids.They deserve better and so don’t you.Let the healing start now.
“DO i drop it again?? Or do I stay alone devastated and totally mind-screwed.”
You’ve got the question wrong. The question is:
“DO I drop it again and stay alone, devastated and totally mind-screwed, or do I take my life back?”
There is no way this POS of yours is going to pull himself together and become a man any time soon – if ever.
Since you’ve withdrawn 8 restraining orders, he’s got to be pretty confident you’ll cave in again. He thinks he owns you girl, and maybe he’s right. If you keep on withdrawing restraining orders, sooner or later the cops are going to hope he kills you, just to reduce their paperwork load. (Kidding) BUT SERIOUSLY, it’s time to grow a spine.
Loose 200 lbs of ugly fat instantly. Drop the loser now!
Once you’ve got your life back, you can enjoy closer relationships with the type of people you deserve to be with. With a bit of retraining, you can even find a life partner who knows how to be a partner and wants to build a good life with you.
The key is, you’ve got to get rid of the loser. The farther away you are from him, the longer you are away from him, the better your life will be.
Okay….so today I go to court….me and eldest for the extended stalking and Hara order….another year!
So…..as usual….the ‘eve’ of a court hearing….someone is trotting through our yard. First 11pm with a flashlight ( saw through my monitors)….then kids wake me up because my ever so feroucious Holly is barking/growling and attacking the window. One kid was up watching tv at 1:30 am, because he was spooked earlier…..and he said someone peered through that window.
They called the police.
Police came, (15 minutes later!) and searched the property…..nothing.
The other cops were combing the neighborhood and forest around here……they found a guy who said he was waiting for a cab????? A CAB???? Uh, we don’t live in the city folks….
Don’t know who it was…..but cops were well aware of ‘that’ house around the corner…..the one with the lights on.
I have no idea where spath is…..or if he’ll show up in court today…..i’m having my doubts.
BUT I AM SICK OF THIS SHIT!!!!
NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I CALLED THE COPS SO MUCH…..EVER!!!
Ursula…..I’ll tell ya……It would be much worse if I didn’t have these orders!!!!!! MUCH WORSE!!!!
He’d just enter my home whenever he pleased. Spaths are entitled to anything they dream up.
I’m glad I have these orders…..
I hope it’s extended today for another year!!!!!