Editor’s note: The following letter was received from a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Gianna.”
When I left my ex he always promised me he would never let me have the kids. I have custody of our children, but he has not left me alone.
Contempt motions
Recently, we were back in court for a contempt motion he had filed against me. The magistrate stated I was not in contempt, but proceeded to set a date for a full day hearing anyway. My ex played the missing-the-kids-wanting-more-time-with-them card, so even though I didn’t violate anything we are supposed to work out a better visitation schedule for him — one that gives him more time than Local Rules outline. Now, even though I am not in contempt, the court seems to have the impression that I am not working with him to let him see the kids as I should.
Local visitation rules
I am getting concerned about his increasingly bizarre behavior. His contempt motion was all about how I kept him from seeing the kids over Thanksgiving weekend, which he said was his regularly scheduled weekend. However, Local Rules state that the custodial parent has the children for three weekends in a row, including Thanksgiving weekend in odd numbered years. The other parent has the children for three weekends in a row including Christmas weekend.
Weekend schedule confusion
We changed the weekend schedule at the end of the summer. We had altered the schedule because he did not want to go three weekends without seeing the kids. But he got confused. So he sent me nasty emails saying he was going to file another contempt motion saying I was keeping him from his kids. I even have emails to prove the change and one where I remind him that he was to have the kids again starting on January 10th.
Kids are hurting
I ache for my kids who are hurting and confused. One Friday night they were already packed to go to his house when I got an email from him saying he wasn’t coming. My son had already turned down an invitation for a sleep over with his best friend. To cover my butt I still took the kids to the police station where we do our exchanges and had it recorded that we were there.
I am angry that his actions, last minute changes and confusions affect my work schedule too.
He doesn’t really want the kids
I am quite aware he really doesn’t want the kids any extra time. But he also filed two court motions demanding first to have midweek visits restored, and second that the visits had to happen on Wednesday nights. (He knew I had classes on Wednesdays.) He won the rights to have midweek visitation but in 1 ½ years has never taken advantage of it. I even offered to drive almost 100 miles to the town he lives in to give him an extra visit with the kids. They wanted to watch a special tv show, that was not on my cable package but was on his, and he refused to work with me to make it happen.
Keep the proof
I share this to remind folks to document, document, document. If given the chance to defend myself in court, I have email proof that he is the one who is not cooperating, I have offered him extra time that he has refused, and that he is lying through his teeth in regards to his accusations against me.
Man in Turkey sentenced to rape by fraud
This pretty much describes what I go through on a regular basis myself. I document everything too to use in court when he inevitably takes me back there on some made up allegation. Right now I have invoked supervision (which I am allowed to do if he breaks any conditions of the court order – in this case, taking my son around people with ties to illicit activities) and he is not happy. He has been threatening to take me back to court for almost 3 months now but hasn’t….maybe because he has two bench warrants out for his arrest due to not showing up in court…LOL but he doesn’t quit. He just keeps harassing and threatening because he wants everything HIS way. He also has continually missed scheduled visits when he did have them unsupervised and now he refuses to pay for a supervisor by saying he can’t afford it. The man is 48 yrs old, a certified welder and couldn’t save $100 in 2 months to see his son at Christmas! LOL I can’t wait to hear him explain that in court when he finally gets around to filing a motion against me. Plus he has only paid $300 in 1.5 years after volunteering to pay $650/mth. I Can’t help but laugh at his stupidity.
Gianna is so right about the importance of documenting evidence (or even simply details) in child custody (or abuse or stalking) cases. But don’t think you have to limit yourself to printed (e.g., e-mail messages) or recorded (phone conversations) material. Take notes! We advise our clients to keep a log (well-hidden) and for every incident, write down the details to include date, time and quoted statements. Yes, it’s in your handwriting and the other side can dismiss it as mere hearsay, but a good judge will acknowledge the fact that you were serious and concerned enough to maintain a written record of your abuser’s misdeeds. If nothing else, it will help you keep a clear memory of pertinent events and their chronology so as to be better able to relate the facts to your attorney (and, possibly, your private investigator) and court officials.
I would keep a journal, and calendar of every hour he has with them… mine kept cancelling, did not really want them, either, but man, in court it was all whine-whine about how I wouldn’t let him have them. Document like crazy, record every conversation, in person or on phone. Look online to see if it is legal in your state. In many states, it is.
When my ex violated the Dom Viol Protection Order, I quickly took a picture of his car blocking the end of our driveway. For some reason, they whined about that in court, “You weren’t blocking her driveway, were you?” “Of course not,” blah blah blah… Uhh… wrong-o…. boy, did their faces fall when I got on the stand and said, “Yes he DID block the driveway, and here is the picture I took.”