Editor’s Note: This letter was sent in by a European Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Lizbeth.”
I had a relationship with a psychopath when I was young and naive. He completely wrecked my life. At that time I was a 20 year-old University student. I was not stupid, but I still fell for his con. He was a few years older and already graduated from University.
Every day was an absolute psychological torture. He completely humiliated me every day for utter nonsense. For instance, if I was ten minutes late, it would be a complete fall out. Or I would take a Spanish course, well that was the end of it, since I did not ask his permission to do so. Worst of all, nobody supported me.
Mom fell for his looks
My mother was smitten by him since he looked so good and he had this wonderful job. She is a very naive woman who only looks at face value. So every complaint I gave about him she wavered away, since he was so good-looking and so successful. Despite that he had a wonderful job, he never rented a proper apartment like most normal people do when they graduate from University but continued living in his student apartment for 100 dollars a month so he could just save his big money.
How did our relationship hold on then? Yes, of course, he came for a sleepover everyday at the house where I lived with my mom. Yes, of course, we had to cook for him every day and wash his clothes. And we had to do the household. In the meantime, he bashed on me, telling me I needed to live on my own that I was childish for still living at my mom’s house.
Trapped in a loveless relationship
There I was, young, beautiful and trapped in a relationship completely devoid of any love. I could not stand his friends they were like his mirrors. I could not stand his parents. We were in a relationship for several years, and everyday he argued with me about living at my parent’s house. But the real estate is very expensive in the area where we live — similar to New York. Even people with regular jobs can barely afford a house, let alone a student.
Every day was awful
Every day was a continuous struggle. It was awful. Since I was a student he could not take money from me, however he exploited me from every side. He robbed me of my energy. I had an awful student life since I was continuously studying and doing the household. Although he earned big money, I even had to pay for our holidays myself — having to borrow money to do so.
My in-laws were awful. I think he derived his character from them. Every visit was a complete disaster in which they exploited every method to humiliate me since I was not “good enough” for their son. At the end I did not even bother to visit them, yes as you can guess, that would bring big arguments too because we have to visit his parents and “a relationship brings commitments.”
The fights I had with him were awful. He is this big tall guy with an impressive physique. He really shouted at the top of his lungs, so the neighbors had a good listen in too. Meanwhile my mom continued to tell me “he is such a good man for you.” I think she really wanted me to have a boyfriend, otherwise I could not explain this naive behavior. She really did not back me up and she was witness of the psychological abuse. He would never miss a day to fight with me.
Now I am older, looking at how beautiful and smart I was then, and really feel sorry I ever crossed paths with him. The five years I spent with him were an utter waste of time. Worse of all is trying to recover from the humiliation and psychological abuse. I have spent years and years recovering mentally.
They look normal in the beginning
The horrible thing with psychopaths is that they look like normal people with nothing the matter. In what would have been known as the “honeymoon weeks” had we been married (we never actually married), he presented himself so well. He came across as such a nice and loving honest individual; that is why I fell for him.
The minute the relationship got serious he completely changed into this monster. I had literally to fight with him every day just to avoid him using me as a doormat. I really regret every minute I have ever spent with him. Every day was awful and new to survive. He completely drained me of my energy and alienated me from my friends.
Wasted time
I graduated from University, only due to my high intelligence. He never supported me, not one bit. On the contrary, he tried to block me from my studies.
When you’re attending University, you’re young and supposed to be looking to meet your life partner. I was drained from meeting a nice guy since he had his hooks in me. So there I was, single, graduated, I had to start up looking for a partner all over again. Despite the fact I look good and I am a nice person, it is difficult to find someone you really connect to and it is easier to find someone when you are in University and still young.
What is the end of the story? Yes, of course the day I broke up with him was the day he had a new relationship with another woman … charming.
How did it happen?
The reason he sought me out was simply to have someone who was intelligent and good-looking to accompany him to parties attended by his colleagues and friends. Eventually, yes I would bear is children, and do the household a highly educated homemaker. No offence to homemakers, but he just could not see me in any other light than that.
In all the stories people tell about psychopaths, I miss the complete humiliation and personal drama a victim has to endure and the lack of support of friends and family. They only see the charming appearance.
Complete humiliation
A psychopath is only there to devastate you completely, suck you dry and then move on to his next victim. Every day you spend with a psychopath is awful and horrendous. They really are the most chilling characters to be with. Do not think that if you do not have money you cannot be of interest to psychopath. At the end, everybody wants a relationship, so do psychopaths.
I hope this story will enlighten women. I have read Robert Hare and Martha D. Stout. The psychopaths among us; I wish I had read the book before I met him. I would never have entered into the relationship if I had known.
Recovering from the Lingering Effects of a Sociopath
Thanks for your post Lizbeth – there are so many vignettes in my life history that echo many posts here. I appreciate the validation but I’m so sorry that so many people understand what we went through.
Your story resonates with me. There was a 6-month relationship when I was in school that wreaked huge damage and it was exactly as you describe – daily psychological attacks and exhausting demands. I was living at home for awhile to help with a disabled father. S pushed himself into my life after seeing me at a school meeting and even somehow found out where I lived and started showing up at my parent’s house. He wormed his way especially into my mother’s fantasies of big money and status by bragging / promising a big future ahead of him. Nowadays we would call him a stalker, but at that time, my mother pushed me toward him. He also heavily criticized my helping my parents by living at home and helping with my father – called me immature.
I *never* liked him. What he really wanted was someone from his school to hang out with for the summer when his obligations were few. But he pulled everyone in and I fell for his sob stories of a bad home life. He started talking marriage behind my back with my mother. I think he loved her swooning for him. Just like you describe your mother – being pushy and not supporting you at all when you needed to find relief and safety from his harassment.
Then of course, when the fall semester started back in session, all of a sudden he said I had a bad attitude and kept me on a string until winter break when he decided he was done with me. Yes – new lady in his life before he stopped seeing me I learned later.
I did not understand any of this at the time – just like you. Now I know. Although my mother was also a spath, it was the first time I really felt hatred from her as she claimed I “failed” to “land the big one” and snare this man. She actually never got over making mean comments to me about it. And he was abusive to me – in every way. She did not care that I was abused – she wanted the promised status. How sick is that ?
Many years later, I learned he had never gotten to that big money / big status life. He was always a loser. Wow – glad we survived these encounters. I hope you will feel stronger and more like your own self every day. Tough to reclaim ourselves – but we can do it. Thanks for sharing.
opalrose,
sorry to hear that, as well as about your mother, its so sad now that people think a relationship is about status and money, its like they never grow out of the “popularity contest” high school phase.
We need money yes, but its only a means, not the ends, I don’t mean to rant about conspiracies but the elite know this and use money against the masses, see the elite value time and energy, the masses value money and waste all their time and energy working for and chasing money, hence why so many people get in debt up to their eyeballs just to look successful I like to call it “borrowed riches” lol.
Anyway, I just don’t understand these users, do they not realize if they just truly cared about the person they were with and made a team effort that they still would wind up happy and with most of the things they want? Instead they use and abuse, gaslight and guilt trip, manipulate and lie.
I have heard so many horror stories from women in my 34 years of life, and hear I sit a decent man (have my faults of course) simply wanting a partner to share my life with and cannot seem to find her, I used to say things like this to my ex when she would belittle me “I don’t beat you, I don’t cheat on you, I help financially, I do many things around the house most men don’t, I don’t hang out at bars and clubs or all hours of the night, I don’t go out with my buddies all the time, I love you and my kids, yet you treat me this way”
Do you know what she would say to me? “oh david you have to compare yourself to scumbags in order to look good”
I never wanted some kind of butt kissing or reward, all I wanted was the same in return that I gave to her. That is NOT too much to ask!! I hope one day I find a woman, and she is intelligent, a good sense of humor, not too prissy, but not a tomboy either, she can defend herself and stand on her own, but doesn’t act like because of that she is better than everyone, she doesn’t like drama, has a good heart/spirit, and wants to have the emotional/physical connection with a life partner that I want.
I hope and pray we all one day find this person, we are good people and we deserve to be with good people, we are special do you all know why? Because we have good hearts, we want to love and be loved, are we perfect, no, but we are good human beings that deserve more than being manipulated.
sorry for rant.
Dave – rant away.
You wrote: do they not realize if they just truly cared about the person they were with and made a team effort that they still would wind up happy and with most of the things they want?
So true – that just nails doesn’t it ??
Also you wrote: we have good hearts, we want to love and be loved, are we perfect, no, but we are good human beings that deserve more than being manipulated.
thank you and best wishes to you….
Lisbeth – start today reclaiming yourself. Remember the things you yourself like to do and start doing them again. That’s how I started recovering and it really helped.
“Dave ”“ rant away.
You wrote: do they not realize if they just truly cared about the person they were with and made a team effort that they still would wind up happy and with most of the things they want?
So true ”“ that just nails doesn’t it ??”
It seems true but is is the exact opposite. They do not want what normal people want. They enjoy control, power and being mean (usually in a wierd sneaky way that makes theirr target feel guilty. Beware the belief that they can be happy. The best they can do in that respect is making others feel unhappy.
Yes Delores – they are completely different beings aren’t they. I was just commenting that I went through the exact same phase of thinking that all they claimed they wanted was right there if they would just do their part. But that’s not who they are and that is what I’ve learned from this site.
I should have been more clear.
How do these characters get under our skin? How do they have such mind control?
I know it has been explained elsewhere in this “Love Fraud” expose, but I still question it always.
Like the ‘spath’ who called me after I broke off our friendship…and somehow I answered every question she asked. Luckily she said, “You don’t have to talk to me…I’ll hang up…”, and I answered, “You don’t have to talk to me either so I will hang up…” and I did.
But not quickly enough that I did not hear her sing-song voice say, “Ok…..”
Lisbeth, It sounds like you are looking for a significant relationship now. Truth is, this is a better time than college to meet someone who can go the mile and do it on his own two feet. All the stuff that goes into doing your life well (adult demands, responsibilities, troubles, inconveniences) come into full play when it’s time to live in the world. College is still a shelter; what folk do there isn’t much of a measure of what they’ll do for the next 60 years to make hell or heaven out of their lives and yours.
What you have to do now to run into eligibles is put yourself out there: Put yourself in team or group activities. You’ll find scads of social/sport/volunteer/educational activities on the website “Meet Up”. You probably need not just another man but some gal pals, too.
My son, who moved to a new city and away from everyone he knew did so with achy-breaky heart plus a couple other disadvantages going against him. It was him making up his mind to recreate for himself what he wanted that put on top of the world 2 years later. He knew no one, so he started with “Meet Up”. He’d lost his driver’s license for drinking: He was driving and doing the an important marathon 2 years later. He’d been fired for his mess ups before, he’s been promoted every year since…. He lost the “love of his life”, he’s found another “love of his life”… He did what it took to have what he wanted….That’s all.
Hard? Uh-huh…but that’s all. Hard don’t kill you, Lisbeth. Could it have been the fear of “hard” that really stopped you from quitting this dude in the first place? If it was, well, now you know what does kill your life: fear; a whole lot of unwarranted fears.
Now, go get yourself on the volleyball team, at the book club or the “Save the Whales” group….And definitely get yourself in a cosmopolitan area where lots is happening.
Lisbeth, I have had my dreams crushed and my heart broken so many times, I’ve lost count. Many of my adult years were sucked up by depression, PTSD, and f*cked up relationships. What is there to do? At 38, I became a massage therapist. At 46, I got two pet boa constrictors. At 49, I started traveling to Costa Rica. At 50 I learned to speak Spanish. At 52 I became a salsa dancer. Now I am starting a whole new hobby and possible part-time career doing private dance lessons at 53. Every one of these things has opened up a whole new world for me and has expanded my consciousness past anything it ever was before. It is NEVER too late to reinvent yourself! I don’t even care if I meet a man anymore. I’m too busy living a fun and interesting life. Ironically, there are a few men in my life who could actually be worthy.
I suffered two years in the hands of a complete sociopath who would undermine me, shout abuse, make a fist on my face without any reason whatsoever, tell me I was fat, that there were many more women in the world, took a lot of money from me and told me he would pay back, but when I dared to ask for my money he threatened my family and in the same breath said I was spoiling our ‘loving friendship’ for such a stupid reason( this being he not paying me back). He also had the picture of another woman in his valet and he made a point of showing it to me and talking about her, about what she wore is such and such occasion, etc.
He would freak out for no good reason and run away in the street, leaving me alone in the evening somewhere far from home.He would LIE left, right and front and used me for money, sex and food.
The thing that amazes me is that it took a long time for me to see through him,but when I finally did it was such a violent shock that I felt sick and disgusted for months about my stupidity.
Today Im married to the most wonderful man who is universes away from the sociopath but it was very difficult to get rid of him after I sent him away, he kept phoning, asking for things, even a bottle of wine!!!! He lied to provoke a new meeting and I went completely silent on him, like if he doesnt exist, that was the only way to stop him .