UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Judith.”
I hope you read this, you know who you are.
I have remained silent for too long. I never used my voice to express how I felt about your actions toward me. I stayed quiet while you stalked and harassed me when I chose to cut all ties with you. I was too worried about what would happen if I spoke up. During that time, I thought no reaction from me would be best and it was. I’ve since changed my mind and I have determined that there is a difference between “reacting” and using my voice to heal myself.
In the last few years, I’ve done well. I never went back or got caught up in your drama, despite of all your desperate attempts to suck me back into your web of dysfunction and misery. However, as a result of my silence, I have unexpressed feelings from the chaos, abuse, drama and dysfunction that came along with you. Now it’s my turn to speak up. I don’t expect that it matters to you; otherwise, you wouldn’t have done what you did repeatedly. So this is for me to let it go, get rid of it. Whether you actually read it or not, is not my concern. I’m tired of hauling around old baggage.
The so-called divorce
I know it’s your belief that you have not have wronged me in any way. It’s truly sad that you are so disconnected from yourself and your own behavior. It was surprising when I spoke with you not very long ago; you stated that you believe that you were good to me. Perhaps in that narcissistic fantasyland you live in, but in real life — NOT. I was astonished when you called me in February to tell to me about your so-called divorce. I have to commend you, nice trick, calling from a number I wouldn’t recognize as yours. Yes, you caught me off guard, but only for a moment.
Your display of trickery was a clear indicator that you know I don’t want to be involved. I wasn’t surprised about the divorce part, although I didn’t believe you. That’s your cycle with females. Evidently my instincts have once again proven me right. Obviously I know your patterns too well. Was that some plea for pity or attention? Clearly, it didn’t work.
Funny how things change, eh? I used to feel bad for you when you would pull those stunts. Not anymore, HA. What kind of moron calls an ex for pity about the dysfunction in their marriage then pleads for me to help you because I am the “only one that really knows you?” Well here’s some food for thought —perhaps that’s why I stay away? Does your wife know that you told me how much you loved me just several months ago? How about that you were pleading with me to help you because you need me? For a man on the edge of a divorce you seemed rather focused on getting advice from me for “your next relationship” as you slandered your wife and spoke of her insecurity while labeling her a “gold digger” and other undesirable adjectives. Oh — isn’t love with you grand. Sounds like you two have a marriage made in paradise.
11 years of history
I’m not entirely sure what goes on in that big old head of yours and quite frankly that’s a good thing. I’ll leave Pandora’s Box shut. However, maybe I should clear some things up for you. Let’s take a look at your actions toward me over that past 11 years, from my point of view. Yes, I have an opinion and writing is the only way I can get it all out without being interrupted with defensiveness when you don’t like what you hear.
You HAVE done me wrong. I suggest you stop fooling yourself and any other idiot around you that believes your fairytales. Oh, and for the record, you may want to clarify with your wife that I was not the “cause of your last divorce.” YOU were the cause of your last divorce. YOU lied when I first met you about your age and marital status, 11 years ago. I can only imagine what you’ve told her. Judging from the way you’ve slandered me in the past, and how well you play the victim role, I believe it’s safe to assume she’s been misled. Maybe a heavy dose of the truth will clear up any misunderstanding.
I was 19 years old when you met me, an adolescent not even a little bit interested in being romantically involved with you .You were self reportedly 26 but that was a lie. In reality you were a few months shy of 30, certainly too OLD to be pursuing me. I was simply tagging along with the friend of mine whose pants you were trying to get in. It was innocent on my behalf; I thought I was being a good friend so I went along with her, that’s what teenage girls do. Meanwhile I got along with you and thought you were funny and I enjoyed talking to you. I thought it was cool to go to car shows and hang out. That was the end of it for me.
You were married
I had no idea that you were married. How could I? When asked, you said that you hadn’t found the right person yet. Meanwhile, you had a wife at home. Over a period of time, when I did find out, it was not even from you. You didn’t even have the dignity to be forthright and honest about yourself. Of course, you had an excuse for your omission of facts. According to you, the marriage was to get your green card. That should have been my signal to run as far away from you as possible and that you are a user. Instead, I felt pity for you.
When I confronted you with the truth, you led me to believe you had such an unhappy home life and nit-picked your wife at the time. I listened to you and I actually believed you. How could you bring me to car shows and public events with people that knew your wife when I had no clue you were married or how old you were? In fact, how could you bring me to your house and leave me in the car when you knew she was home and watching from the window? Why invite me to come to car shows when you knew she would be present? That’s rotten and she must of felt awful. Certainly, I have when you intentionally flaunted other females in front of my face in an effort to get a reaction from me when I chose to stay away from you.
You even stooped as low as pursuing my friend to make me jealous. I see that worked out well for you, HA. You did me a favor, you showed me you were slimy and so was she. I thank you for that. Does it make you feel like a man to instigate a negative reaction in a person so you can feel good about you? I guess you need two bitches fighting over you so you can feel worthy. In case you hadn’t figured out from the long history I don’t fight over a man. When I have something there is no need to fight for it.
Hands down my pants
You clearly don’t think about how your actions will make another person feel or how the despicable things you have done can haunt a mind. Did it ever occur to you how awful I felt when you would put your hands on me sexually and force your hands down my pants? Or how about when you would force sex on me? My crying didn’t matter to you. You had to know when I told you to stop that I was uncomfortable with your actions, but you didn’t care. You just tried to get me to stop crying so you could finish whatever you were doing to me. You’re sick.
At 19 years old, I felt that I couldn’t tell anyone. I felt maybe it was my fault. After all, you were supposed to be my friend. Because of what you did to me, I felt dirty and ashamed. It took me until just a few years ago to realize that what you had been doing to me was sick and is, in fact, abusive. You knew what you were doing all along — that’s what you do.
Read more: Seduced by a sociopath
It’s a slow seduction. You set it up that way, so I wouldn’t suspect what you were calculating. It’s the sex addict in hot pursuit. You would tell me you needed to “talk” to me, or you “needed” to see me. Do you know what it feels like to be forced up against a wall with an over 6 foot, almost 300 lb pound body preventing you from escaping as your clothes are being forced off? You must recall the time when you used wire ties to secure my wrists together so I couldn’t leave your apartment? You actually had the nerve to go to D.A.P. and allege that I cut your body with scissors. No, actually, fool, I got a hold of the scissors to try and get myself loose.
I became “difficult”
How about being pushed out of your van and throwing my flip flops out in the parking lot at night as you drove away because I became “difficult”? You were on top of me trying to get my jeans off, meanwhile you somehow managed to disrobe yourself on the bottom. Good thing I wore my jeans tight that night. It was clear you were not going to get sex from me easily so you became angry. The truth is, you lured me there to talk and what you really wanted was sex.
The sad thing is after that happened I was so upset about what you did to me and all I kept thinking was how stupid I was for believing all you wanted was to talk. I thought it was my fault. I couldn’t deal with myself the next day so I didn’t go to work and you actually called to see if I was ok? Isn’t that like punching somebody in the face and then asking them if it hurt?
I always felt like your actions were a result of something I did to deserve it. Truthfully, I didn’t deserve any of it. You knew what you were doing. All along, you had your eye fixed on your prey and it was an adrenaline rush each time I was around you. You wanted conquer me. Guess what? You lost.
Agenda hasn’t changed
Even after 11 years, your agenda hasn’t changed. In fact according to the instant message conversation you initiated with me in the fall, you stated that your heart still races when you see me drive by the shop. Do you divulge that information to your wife?
That admission was after you were telling me how you didn’t have many friends and you wanted to be my friend. Yeah right, friends, I’m sure. Not with me. I stopped playing along. You made me feel awful. I don’t need to be around you nor do I want to ever. How could you expect that I would want to be your friend?
You have blackmailed me, tried to sabotage positivity in my life, told lies about me, you even went as far as dragging my boyfriend into it and even calling his job to complain because unfortunately he is your FedEx Ground guy. What was the point of calling FedEx and telling the history of you and I to his managers? How about when you told him that I was a liar and never to believe a word I said, as you had your notorious blank stare and flat affect. Do you really think he doesn’t know what went on between you and I? He does, all of it. The only one who looks ridiculous is you. Kind of like when you attacked him in the Pathmark years ago. You looked like an idiot with your entourage of little girls. I guess you thought that made you tough. I believe you’re a bully. Bullies are weak. They attack others to make themselves feel better about their own lack.
Skewed perception
It’s sickening that over time, my perception became so skewed that I actually believed that what you had done to me over the years was actually love. Even after three years of no contact, you still worked your way back in. You told me your behavior was all a big misunderstanding. You just wanted me to see how much you loved me. So court, stalking me, leaving roses and cd’s on my doorstep, calling from payphones so I couldn’t block the number, showing up where I was, calling the cops on me, running me off the road, instigating others to harass me, slander, attacking my boyfriend , physically attacking men that looked at me, is all love? Perhaps in your twisted, warped mind, in reality, not even close.
I wanted to believe they were all misunderstandings, my own lack of trusting myself at that time allowed me to trust someone as twisted as you instead. Not to mention the attention I was seeking. It was intoxicating, at first. I compare it to alcohol. I thought I was in love. Over time it made me sick, sad, depressed and addicted. I was addicted to what I thought was love. I have learned that it truly was not and never could be. I have realized that nobody else can give me the things I was looking for. I have them and I always have. It’s up to me to feel good about me.
You sought me out
I sure have come a long way over the years. There were plenty of times I wanted to die. I felt so depressed and lonely on the inside that I didn’t care. I certainly wasn’t taking good care of myself. An eating disorder, lack of boundaries, chaos, confusion about what love really is and allowing myself to be abused because I thought I needed to suffer in order to get love. I’ve learned that the law of attraction is true. I attracted you, a person as depressed and lonely on the inside as I was. The only difference is, I abused myself; you abuse others, primarily women. You must be really angry on the inside.
It’s scary to think that you actually sought me out. Don’t you think I knew what you wanted when you would show up at my job, trying to charm me? I guess showing up at my job was your last resort because you couldn’t find where I lived? Seemed as though you were shocked when I knew about the female that you have since married and refer to as wife. That mustn’t have fazed you, because you still put your hands on me and tried some of your slick moves. You tried to get your hands were you wanted them, down my jeans, as you were telling me how you and I should have been married with kids by then.
That didn’t work. I knew better. It’s funny how intelligence outsmarts cleverness. I was on to your scheme. I guess you’re left to playing games with your wife or whoever else will be naive enough to fall for it. Not me. I’m no longer the “little girl” that needs your attention. It’s even disturbing that that was your nickname for me.
Boils down to hurt
So there it is, in a nutshell. That’s certainly not all of it but I’m tired of writing for now. I could probably publish a book if I wanted to. Perhaps I should. I’m sure it would help somebody. I know I’m not the only person you’ve hurt. I guess that’s what it boils down to for me hurt. I trusted you, I defended you, I covered up for you, and I was in love with you. I saw the good in you. My heart was genuine, you took it for granted.
It is what it is; I have no regrets. For all things there is a reason. I turned my pain into power and that’s good enough for me. I am stronger and wiser now. I went to therapy, I helped myself and I am happy and healthy because of it. I made the effort, which made a difference in my life for me and everybody around me. It feels good when grown men and women tell me that they admire my courage and how proud they are of the changes I’ve made in my life. To me, that is success. I realized there was more to life than you. There’s Me, my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my wishes.
Learn more: FREE! Your first step towards real recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Aug. 25, 2010.
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Night darlen.
Hi, everyone. Regarding final words to the sociopath,–this evening, at Oxys wise suggestion, I wrote a 2 page letter to each of my spath daughters, saying a final “Goodbye”. Then David and I burnt them to ashes on the barbecue,-most of the ash fell on the charcoal, so will help fuel our next Barbie.! No teas from me, -I think Ive shed so many bitter tears in th past that I am “teared out”. Not even particularly sad, just stoic and resigned. I told them I would always remember them as dear wee girls. Thats it. Done now. Also, I know realistically that I wont see much if any of older spath Ds 3 kids, as I havent seen them since last Oct.2009,,{the 2 girls} and 8th Dec, 2008,{the boy.}
Her ex, who now has FT custody of the 3 of them is no more relaible than she ever was{he used to be a heavy pot smoker, and ciggie smoker, and Im sure the pot has taken away a lot of his ability to forward think and plan his life. . So, Im really saying Goodbye to them as well. Ive never set eyes on younger spath Ds 3 kids,{now 14, 11, and 2 years old, -her wish.}So, no wrench there,
a Godsend really. All about accepting the things I cannot change, and embracing my new life, with David and Roya and Abbas, our “new’ kids.Lots of Love to all you awesome guys!!
MamaGemXX
Thank you to everyone for the warm welcome. I can relate to Survior’s story, other than he wasnt into drugs, he was an alcoholic.
My therapist says that he dragged me into a fantasy love life and I so want to be free of the intrusive thoughts of him. The wonderful fimes that I keep reflecting on. I have always look for the best in people and accept people for how God made them. BIG MISTAKE!
He knew my vulnerability and latched onto me. The first time I met him, I was happily married. My husband and I went to play cards with this couple we met through our children. As we are playing cards, he reaches over, grabs my hand and says what beautiful hands I have and looked deeply into my eyes and said they are the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen! I was taken back and embarassed. His wife looked at him and said “Tom you’re such a f***ing a** h***”. Both my husband and I were astounded at the talk between this couple. Looking back and through therapy, I realize that what he did was testing me to see how I would react. Would I pull my hand away? Would I tell him to never touch me again. I am married. But I didn’t. I just giggled and blushed. HE KNEW AT THAT MOMENT I WAS A SUCKER! From that point on, he poured on the charm and before I knew it I was very much into his dynamic personality, compared to my loving, but ho-hum husband. I had fallen deeply and madly in love with him (or as I now know his persona).
It has taken me 7 years, a divorce, $10,000 loan to Tom (which I will probably never get back), constant broken and empty promises, too many lies to even mention and continuous therapy to realize that Tom is a sociopath. I read the book “Women Who Love Psychopaths” by Sandra Brown and I was amazed to read all the traits of a psychopath/sociopath that fit Tom to a “T” and the characteristics that I have that allowed me to be a victim/prey for a sociopath. To be honest it really broke my heart as I read each chapter only to realize that I had given so much love and admiration to a person who could only have surface/fake love (to get whatever he wanted) and had no empathy for his actions or treatment of his verbal abuse to me. He attacked my character and made terrible statements about my beliefs in God and life. He then of course would apologize in his pathetic and twisted way to get me to forgive and continue to be in love with him. He always wanted me to give him money with promises of paying it back (a swindler). And the fact that he kept the con game going with “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” then only to turn around a few months later to say “I have to give 100% to Deb (his ex) and make it work”, then return to me with some sob story of how he was only doing what Deb wanted him to do and that NOW he was going to follow his heart. All the while being deceitful about him getting counseling and quitting drinking. He is also now divorced which allowed him the freedom to do whatever he wanted and yet he continued with the back and forth BS over the last year.
My therapist told me that I have escaped with what could have been a treacherous life with him. It was all about control for him” to control me, my actions, my life. In time, he would have broken me down emotionally, psychologically and financially. He would have continuously cheated and lied his way through the relationship. So many things have finally added up when all along I thought I was losing my frickin’ mind. He played word games and mind games on me constantly. My therapist told me it will take quite a few sessions to be “de-programmed” from the emotional/psychological trauma that Tom put me through.
The book and my therapist stated that he is NOT fixable. His brain is just wired that way, it’s sad, but it is reality. It states that he has the emotional capacity to love and relate like that of a 14-year-old, which explains his thought process and actions that to me resembled juvenile behavior and drove me crazy. Now that I know that this is something that I could never “fix” no matter how much I loved him, I can move forward to have what I call a “normal” loving relationship that is given and received the way it should be.
I finally have the answers that will set me free from his pathological grip.
I think what scares me the most is that he is going to try and contact me. I want to be strong…..I am so scared, not of anything physical, he was never physical with me, but mentally he drained the living soul out of me.
What’s really funny is that he broke it off with me so he could make amends with his ex-wife, who after reading so much on the subject is a SP too! Can two SP’s live under the same roof without driving each other to the funny farm?
Dear Jessica,
Yep, to answer your questions, it is a “gasoline and fire” relationship and they periodically explode and keep the dramarama going. They play the “triangle game” of musical chairs. Imagine a triangle of chairs. One reads VICTIM, one reads RESCUER, and one reads ABUSER/PERSECUTOR/BAD GUY.
They take turns sitting in each chair and recruiting a third party to sit in the other chiar. Every so often they get up and shift chairs. The victim becomes the rescuer, and the rescurer becomes the bad guy.
It never ends but keeps life “interesting” and it is NEVER BORING.
I’m glad you are out of the relationship and learning how to live a life free of the “games people play”—God bless.
Jessica, youre NOT CRAZY.Whats crazy is that these beings brainwash into believing there is something flawed with us. At one point I said to my ex, “You might be right, I am crazy-for being involved with you” Believing I was “crazy” landed me in therapy so I could get fixed, it was one of the best things I ever did for myself and it got me away from the madness I thought was love. My therapist gave the same advice that you mentioned yours did regarding arrested development and unfixability. I decided that a grown man stuck at 14 is not a good look 🙂 Best wishes to you.
StrongSurvivor, judging by your screen name, you are on the right path with a healthy goal. You can do it! Just be patient with yourself, the trauma didnt happen overnight and the healing is a process. Embrace the bad days and let yourself heal, acknowledge the anger , practice radical forgiveness of yourself and if you need to- cry. There were days I felt like I could’nt choke back the tears any more & it happened at the most inconvenient times ( at work, in the car with a friend, in a store ,etc) . I decided that I would just have to excuse myself and let it go, I was hurt and my feelings were valid. Just wait until you look back at your life and see what you’ve overcome. I dont even recognize the girl I used to be. When I’ve looked over letters, emails, and IM’s I saved,(I was being stalked) I wonder ” What was I thinking? I can’t believe I tolerated his nonsense!” Stay strong, you’re worth it 🙂
Boy, once again, I’m gone for a couple of days and come back to find such awesome stuff on here!
Dear Jessica,
I read your postings on here and I understood immediately why you’re afraid he’s going to call. EVERY time I would hear the ex’s voice, it was like nails on a chalkboard. I came to understand that my fear was really all about me caving in to his B.S. more than anything. As I read your story, my head was nodding up and down. Yep, yep, yep. Must be the same man.
jlmfp1, you’re right, we are NOT crazy. Only those who have been through this kind of madness can understand the long term effects and what it does to us. And yes, it didn’t happen overnight and it won’t get better overnight. But it DOES get better.
I truly like the original post here, a good bye and closure on the past.
This past week, my ex was in an accident on Mon. nite. I didn’t answer the phone because I recognized the number as one that he uses when he gets into a obsessive mode and calls me 20X in one day. And that’s WITH the R. O. All the police do is yell at him. Whatever…
I found out on Tues. about the accident and tried to get someone to take my son down to see him for a few minutes. No one would go and I realize now there was a reason for that.
I NEEDED to go there, see him and realize just how much I DIDN’T feel anymore. I felt no guilt, no regrets, remorse, NOTHING.
The following day, Wednesday, I take a call from a blocked number, thinking it wouldn’t be him as the hospital here doesn’t have blocked numbers.
It was him. He was being discharged and tried to launch into a speech about how he wanted to be my best friend again..(Hello, when was he EVER a true friend?)
Again, I had no feelings of guilt or anything else.
His 2 minute speech translated into “I don’t have a ride. I really have no place to go and I want to come back and leech off of you.” All under the pretext of doing what is best for our son.SO not happening-It was an automatic NO from me. (I have found that to be a very useful word.)
This reminded me, once again, that they always try to come back when the need something.
I needed this experience to see how much I really had detached from him. It was a GREAT feeling. At times, I have doubted if I’m growing; we all have those days. BUT I have and it was a liberating feeling that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
I feel like I just got an A+ in a very hard class. It was proof, proof that all of that hard work really does pay off. Not that I’m going to search him out to test this again, mind you.
It was a freedom moment. And yet, I know I have miles to go in my recovery.
strongsurvivor, I think the ONLY ones who know the depth of our despair over these disordered individuals are those who are there now or have been there. In fact, I’m convinced of that. I know that no one around me truly GOT what I was feeling. I’m glad I found LF. Here, we find those that get it and that’s incredibly important.
Cat,
I’m happy that you now KNOW (within yourself) that you are free of the leech. What you said is true – it’s the ones who have walked our road that can be of most assistance to us, having “been there, done that,” fully comprehending this disorder to a tee.
There is a friend of a friend on FB who is a trained psychologist and talks about narcissists and paths etc and every time she posts something I have to disagree with her as she clearly has not experienced their behaviour from the inside. Just the other day I made a comment about Charles Saatchi and how he behaved towards Nigella Lawson (don’t know if you’ve heard about that story in the States) ie grabbing her by the throat. Anyway he’s now throwing all the dirt he can at her and I commented that basically that’s what Ps do and this woman said no thats narcisissists. I had to very strongly disagree with her. The lack of knowledge is appalling and shows just how valuable validation can be for a survivor, having someone actually understand what they experienced first hand.
bluejay, Thank you!! and it’s an awesome feeling and yes, we can only really talk to those who have walked our path. I gave up ages ago on trying to get someone to REALLY understand like the people here on LF.
Hi Cat. I just send people the link to this site when they ask what happened? You two seemed so in love….
So far, most everyone I have sent the lin k to has come on here and read. I even printed out the love bombing article and gave it to her first ex husband. I told him, “if you want to protect your kids, read this”. For him it didn’t work. He thinks that my soon to be ex is his friend. The poor man.
One thing tho. We lived in a small town, where she grew up. My wife did not go out much. She stayed in the house. I know, this seems much different than your usual sociopath, but that is how she was.
I finally figured it out tho. It was the town she grew up in. People in that town had over 35 years to get to know her. She always complained about how everyone she ever cared about screwed her over and broke her heart. I think it was, “I couldn’t manipulate them anymore, so I got rid of them”. Thus “breaking” her heart.
So, this long winded comment winds up here…..
Since my wife never really would go out into the community, I did. I am a very outgoing individual, a trait that my wife hated.
Everyone I ran into asked what was going on, as they had heard we were getting divorced.
I told them the truth. I was sick over the summer, and she said I didn’t get any help, so I had to go. It’s comical no when I say it, but back then it tore me apart.
When asked why she did that, I told the truth, she is mentally ill. Bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, paranoid, sociopathy, and acd. Maybe more, who knows. But the towns folks got the clue, again. It will be a very long time before she comes out of her little house that she stole from me again.
I tell you all this because the people in this town DO understand. They knew her mother, and know her and her whole family. All the girls are a mess, and the boy is a wonderful man.
Dear Cat,
TOWANDA BABY!!!!! Such a good feeling when you can listen to the spiel and not be moved—it goes in one ear and out the other. You translate “I want to be your best friend AGAIN” into “I have no ride and no place to sleep tonight” and your heart doesn’t skip a beat or you don’t feel the least bit guilty that you don’t offer him a place to sleep.
That EMOTIONAL part of the trip you have taken along the road to healing, and restoring yourself, and getting OUT of the F-ear, O-bligation and G-uilt (FOG) is wonderful! Congratulations to your new status FOG-FREE! Hip-Hip- HOORAY!!!! Let’s hear it for the CAT!!!!!! The MIghty CAT!!!!