Editor’s note: Below is an email exchange that I had with a reader whom we’ll call “Vera.” Her ex-husband is a sociopath and a lawyer.
I am co-parenting with a sociopath and I am at my wits end. He is constantly using our son in his ongoing battle to torment me. The boy is still in elementary school and spends time with him alone at his mountain home. I am concerned that besides being emotionally abused as he is, he will be physically harmed. I am in a terrible bind though. Being a lawyer and a sociopath, he conned his way into custody by paying over $100,000 to hire the best divorce lawyer in town. Without a six-figure retainer or his manifest abuse of our son, I cannot amend the custody order. And even if I could, he will violate the order anyway.
He has given me 50/50 with my son for the past 7 months without court approval, and now he is claiming that because he is seeing evidence that I am trying to alienate the boy from him, he is forbidding me to see him. If I say, “let’s go back to the 5-year-old court order,” it means I only get to see my son 20 hours a week, no overnights. If I don’t say anything, he disregards the schedule we had in the past, emails me on occasion to criticize, berate, belittle me, and ask me to drive up 25 miles to have my son for a few hours, or at most 12 hours, after which I have to drive him back (that’s when he goes to court or needs to be rid of the boy). I cannot function not knowing in advance when I can be with him. This chaos is unbearable and is designed to unsettle both our son and I and damage our good relationship.
Please email me a few tips on how to handle this situation, as my family and friends don’t know how to handle pathological sociopathic behavior.
Thank you kindly,
Vera
This is the response that I sent to Vera:
I am so sorry for your situation. I think in your case, since you can’t afford to take him to court, you need to be an actress. Do not let him ever get any reaction out of you. Never get upset in your ex’s presence, never let him know that he is upsetting you. You should almost pretend to be disinterested in seeing your son.
Here is the reason: He is doing this to you because he gets a charge out of seeing you upset. Deny him the charge. Pretend that you are moving on with your life. Your response to him about seeing your son should be, “Whatever.”
Secondly, your ex will soon want to be off on his next adventure, and the child will probably “slow him down.” So he may want to “dump” your son off on you more and more—especially if he thinks you are not interested in caring for the boy.
Third, all sociopaths want to “win.” If he thinks he has won, because he is calling the shots, he may tire of the game.
When you are with your son, be as kind and loving to him as you can be. Let him know that you are always there for him. Eventually he will be able to make his own decisions.
In the meantime, keep meticulous records of everything that happens. If you ever see injuries on your son, take him to a doctor or photograph them. Communicate only via email, and save all of them. Eventually you may build enough of a case to make a change in the arrangements.
Best wishes,
Donna
The information that I provided to Vera comes from what I learned from all of you at Lovefraud. I did not have a child with the sociopath I married, so I did not experience the co-parenting issues first-hand.
Vera wrote back with more questions. I ask Lovefraud readers to respond to her, because many of you have dealt with these situations, whereas I have not.
The classic sociopath behavior would be that sooner or later if there is no fuel he will “dump” the child off on someone who’s not doing him a favor, and I’ve experienced that a few times. However, more frequently he will “dump” the boy off on unreliable babysitters, or whomever, instead of asking me, and he knows that’s how he gets me. If I don’t react, the boy could be harmed as he was in the past, and he will be told that I don’t care. Should I just sit back and play cool? I am certain he badly damaged his first wife by yanking her chain constantly, by keeping their daughter hostage at his house and showing crass indifference to her welfare so much so that the poor mother left for Peru, where she died shortly thereafter. The adult daughter is bipolar and a heroin addict. I was not aware of those facts prior to marrying him.
He spent $3,000 on a University Discovery Summer Program for two months running in order to have the boy away from me the entire summer. It is the first year he’s done that. The reason for it is that he is hoping to get the money back from me by taking me to court to get more child support on allegations of parental alienation. All he wants is for me to become indigent. Please advise.
In closing, he rarely packs lunches for our son, and peanut butter is disallowed at the program; the boy will end up starving every day until early evening when he takes him to McDonalds or Burger King. The boy is 54 pounds at the age of 8 ½, and the sociopath has no regard for his physical growth or emotional well being. This hurts me so keenly because I understand nutrition and I feed our son homemade natural/organic foods. Please advise.
Sincerely,
Vera
Do you have advice for Vera? If so, please post your comments.
Dearest Vera,
I cannot imagine the pain you are in as I only know part of it. My STBXNSH is now trying to get full custody of my son – my daughter is too old to poison. We go for mediation this Tuesday.
I just got off the phone with my lawyer and yes it is such a delicate situation knowing how shrewd these fathers can be.
Mine has just – although broke and paying no expenses for the kids other than support he deems adequate – he has just purchased some clothes for my son for his house, a dog , and now a swim club membership to look like the DISNEY DAD he thinks he is.
My son is buying into it all – he is only 12 1/2 . He sees his father’s traits but is very tolerant.
The spath has recordings of me at my worst – old but not flattering – when I cursed him vilely for the multiple affairs, HPV gift and financial devastation he has caused. I pray they will not be used but I am sure they will be.
I will not agree to joint physical custody, only legal. He is not fit to raise my son .
Donna’s advice is sound and I have learned the hard way – THEY LOVE, THRIVE ON OUR REACTIONS. The less you react, the more confident you can be – the less he gets out of the dance. This was hard learned for me -I use text messages and e-mails – the phone calls always burn me.
We have so much righteous anger with nowhere to dump it – they dump their crap on us so easily.
I would try to send cards, post cards, e-mails or letters to your son. If they are returned – save them for him – for when you can show him what you were put through. Still try to call , maybe send a package of something now and then – even homemade cookies.
Can you document ha has given you 50/50 for the past 7 months – photos or anything that you can prove ? Can a person testify that you have had this time ?
I don’t know where you live, but there is the avenue of petitioning and representing yourself. Hell , to win a case that’s pretty much what we do even with a good lawyer. We are the gatekeepers of arming them with our facts and documents – the more WE have the better job a lawyer can do.
Look in your community for lawyer’s who donate there time to such cases – our counties have such representation although it may be hard to get. Vera, I just changed attorneys myself because I have gotten nowhere in 3 years but a $47,000.00 lawyer bill . No custody agreement, no support agreement, no movement in property settlement – nothing. And now I am arbitrating lawyer number one !!!
I know you feel beaten – I know the trapped feeling quite well.
I still live around the corner from him and right NEXT to his slut !! I lost my mom in February and my sisters didn’t like my moms money arrangements so now they have a lawyer !!!! – even though they hadn’t talked to her or seen her in years !!!!
In March my house was burglarized and guess who is suspect number one ? I lost a lot. So – my point is when we are down – really down – we have to keep going .
Take the ride for your son even if it is for an hour – as long as you can put gas in your car. And yes SPATH will enjoy your suffering as he gives out his crumbs – but that’s OK – show no pain. Try to be joyful and your son will be – that will kill SPATH more !!!
Dear Vera – I will pray for you and son – but heed Donna’s advice – DOCUMENT – take pictures of the two of you as much as you can – every visit even – date them. Show eating together, a park , cooking , the movies – chilling on the couch – whatever it is you do.
The time will come to prove you are a good mom and the court will listen – do not give up!!!!
I hope this helps – I will answer any question you have.
God Bless you and hold your broken heart in His hands.
Vera,
Donna’s advice was spot on. You can never ever ever let the sociopaths know what you value, because they will take it in order to control you. Realize also, that they are keenly atuned to reading the slightest emotions, so it won’t be easy.
Therefore, regardless of what you decide to do, you MUST become a good actress. As long as you have to encounter him, you will have to hide your emotions and misdirect.
Gray rock is the first step, but to really win, you have to give him the impression you’ve lost interest in your son, without appearing to do so overtly, (because he would use that to prove you are unfit). So you must backspath. Do as they do: plant a seed, drop innocuous hints. Make it seem that you are leading a life where a child would be a hindrance. Make travel plans for adult only resorts and post it on your face book so he finds out. Do this slowly, not suddenly. Make all this appear as though it is happening gradually.
Spaths have no emotions, so it won’t seem strange to him that you are losing interest in your own child. They don’t understand love. Make it seem that the less you see your son, the less you care. He will do everything he can to MAKE YOU WANT TO CARE, because that is his control.
If all this seems convoluted and spathy, it’s because it is. EVERYTHING ABOUT SPATHS IS BACKWARD. Learn to act and then turn your brain inside out. then get to work.
The others here will have much more detailed advice on dealing with him in court. My advice pertains more to understanding how he thinks.
Vera ~ My husband’s ex is the spath in our situation. Custody ended up being 50/50 between them and placement being with mama spath. The way our situation was, when the boy was 5, she wanted us to have him EVERY weekend from 4:30 PM Friday until about 1:00 PM Sunday, and then on Tuesday evening from 4:30 – 8:00. You see, he was not convenient for her to have around because she wanted to watch “her shows” on TV, or some other such nonsense.
The point is, the child (now 16) has been used as a pawn in her game every single chance she got to use him.
My advice to you, as the others have stated, is: DO NOT SHOW EMOTION TO THE SOCIOPATH. They feed off of it, and will use it against you at every turn.
We have over the last couple of months, since I found LoveFraud, been learning the “gray rock” approach in dealing with mama spath. It is NOT easy, but we’re doing our best.
Best of luck to you in your journey.
H2H
Dear Vera,
YOu are “between the devil and the deep blue sea”—heads you lose, tails he wins, and your poor son loses everything as well. I am so sorry you are in such a situation….and more sorry for your son.
I would do the “actress” bit as much as possible, Sky calls it “gray rock” or just bore them to death….do NOT react no matter how much he ramps up the ante….and as you stop reacting he almost certainally will up the ante….at least for a while.
Tell your son that you love him….spend as much time with him as you can, and call him if you can. Explain to him that your x and you do not get along and that he is living with your x, but that is NOT because you don’t want him, which is all true.
You must accept what you cannot change….”Fight Another Day” here on this blog is also co parenting with a psychopath that is a MONSTER, so she is in the same position about that you are.
Read here and learn…also go to Dr. Leedom’s website “parenting the at risk child” and get as much information and support there from other co-parents with psychopaths as you can. Read here and learn….and find peace even in the middle of the chaos. It is a difficult path and I understand that…and I admire you for hanging in there. God bless, you are in my prayers. (((hugs)))
(((((((((((((((( Vera )))))))))))))))))))))
What an unbelievably painful situation. I have six children with my ex P hubby. He deserted them, in every single way. As I read these posts, i find myself blessed for that.
ON the other side of that, is what everyone here is telling you. Gray rock is ESSENTIAL! It is SO UNFORTUNATE that of the two of you, YOU will have to be the one that wins the academy award here for acting.
It’s almost like being forced to act like a spath when he plays these games and that’s essentially it, but you are NOT spath. You love your child.
Sometimes that means letting them go to an extent emotionally so we can be ultimately, strong for them in the future. This man will SURELY hang himself eventually with enough rope. They DO get tired of trying to control and when they think or believe they don’t have it anymore, they let go.
Let’s hope this is what happens with regards to your son too.
TOTALLY GRAY ROCK THIS MAN. PRETEND that you have better things to do, but kiss your kids face off when you have him, do FUN things, bring him into YOUR world, where there is LOTS of love, he will NEVER forget it..and in some way this could ultimately turn into a blessing….for whatever time your ex spath wants to WASTE (which is what spaths do) of your time in trying to make you MISERABLE, you can use that time to just really love on your son. When everything falls apart with his father, as it surely WILL< he will see your love and care through the years..
But don't let this ruin your life too. Which is what your spath would have wanted. They always want to destroy in a way that no one else knows, but we do……and so do the chidren too, because they will eventually be discarded as well.
Hang in there Vera.
LL
My ex used corrupt means to remove a baby from me and deny me any access.
I waited for 7 years without trying anything, or begging, or contacting him.
I just prayed and waited for an answer to prayer.
After 7 years he phoned my parents and ordered me to meet him as he was “prepared to let my son spend 12 months with me, and if he (child)liked/wanted it he could stay permanently”.
I phoned back and acting cold and cool as anything complained that it was rally inconvenient and I could not meet him immediately, he would have to wait till the next day because I was busy and the roads were wet and dangerous.
Instead of his usual bullying arrogant verbal abuse, he was subdued and apologetic.
“Anything you say love” he said in his English accent.
I ordered him to meet me at a Police Station the next day.
Prior to this I had already phoned the Police, informed them of his criminal record and violence, and my need for witnesses of the handover and protection as I had a Violence Restraining Order on him that was still valid.
When he arrived in the morning with my son I did not even say hello to my son who was 9yrs old.
I directed my ex to the documents he had to sign so that I could take the boy into my care without breaking the Court Orders he had for full Custody.
He (ex) behaved rally meek and mild in front of the 3 huge beefy policemen who stood there glaring at him.
I acted as if I was totally unemotional and the whole process was a drain on my precious time.
Only when (ex)he had left, did I embrace my son and speak to him.
I was shaking like a leaf inside, the whole time and for some time after my ex had left.
BUT I DID NOT LET MY EX KNOW.
Because of my attitude he was totally taken by surprise and did not know what to do and could not bully me.
For 2 years I maintained the same attitude every time my son had to call his father on a Friday to speak to him as per the agreement.
It kept my ex rattled as he never knew what I was thinking and thought I might return the boy.
He did not want our son back as he was busy pursuing a wealthy widow.
As soon as 2 yrs was past I filed immediately in the fam ily court for Sole Custody on the basis that the father abandoned the boy by leaving him with me against the court Orders, and had not supplied any Child Maintenance or regular contact for his son.
I won the case hands down as the father was not game to face me in Court and his lawyer was even asking me in the Courtroom, if I knew where her client was?
He shot through so he did not have to pay his lawyer etc.
My advice is to act as cool as possible, unemotional, couldn’t care less if you see your child or not-to the father and when in the father’s presence.
When he wants you to take the child make him think it is a nuisance and an inconvenience as it is disrupting your schedule and you are only going to collect the child for the child’s sake.
Your busy having a new life.
Dont give out any details of your life or explain anything.
Leave the ex high and dry when it comes to any information about yourself.
Just let him think it is a bit of an interruption to your life to have to collect the child.
You can assure your child that you love them, once your ex is out of eyesight or hearing.
My guess is that he(ex) will be worried about the risk of losing his free babysitter.
Dont spend money to buy your child’s love when you have Access.
Build sandcastles, play with them, do fun things together, talk, teach them to cook fun foods, be active with them.
A Sociopath doesnt have that capacity for interactive love.
Your child will know you love them and will remember all the things you do with them.
My son was amazed at all the fun things we did together as his father had never in 7 years, done anything like walk along the beach with him or build sand castles or play cricket in the park or go for barbecues in the park, or picnics etc.
Good luck to you, learn to keep a straight face and hide your emotions from your ex.
Practice being a different persona.
God Bless.
P.S. My son just got married and he told his half brother (Ex’s son from first marriage) who was invited to the wedding, that his father (ex) was TOTALLY BANNED FROM ATTENDING despite the half brother’s wife trying to manipulate for the father to attend.
It was a beautiful wedding and my son is now a happily married 22yr old man with an amazing caring understanding wife.
They visit me every week and we have a wonderful loving relationship.
He refuses to have anything to do with his father as he said he would only believe his father was capable of change if he admitted to the police the crimes he committed, & served time for them, and even then he would not trust his father as he knows him for a liar and a conman with no conscience, after 7 years with him.
Dear Zoey ~ Thank you for sharing your story! It is so refreshing to hear of a happy life after spath. Congratulations on doing a wonderful job in raising a loving, caring son! H2H
Zoey,
You are brilliant. Thank you for sharing your story.
My heart goes out to you Vera…I know exactly what you are going through, as I am going through something very similiar. I am in the process of divorcing Fluffy (I call him that because he has found his hair and he reminds me of the dog from Harry Potter).
Where to start….so much. I’ll keep it to what pertains to your story. I have been my children’s primary and often sole caregiver their whole lives. I have been a stay at home mom for nearly 18 years. The minute I told Fluffy I wanted out, he began his quest to completely alienate them from me. Last summer my 3 children went for a month long visit with him. When they returned, they no longer wanted to live with me. My two youngest children 10 and 12 at the time moved in with fluffy and his parents, which is about 30 minutes from where I live. They refused to see me or talk to me, unless they sent me horribly mean texts using vulgar profanity. I filed an urgent motion to set up a parenting schedule, as I was not seeing them at all. It was denied because the court felt it wasn’t emmergent. Two weeks later, fluffy filed an urgent motion to have the children live with him and change schools. the court had already extablished that we had joint custody….he was ammending who had primary residence. We have an older daughter in high school, who he did not ask to have residence changed. Thankfully, she has not completely bought into his manipulation.
The judge asked to speak to my two younger children. They testified that I abused them, locked my son in his room for 3 weeks without feeding him (the door locks from the inside….and during the 3 weeks in question he spent one week with his father)hmmmm, they always wore dirty clothes, I never fed them homecooked meals, I would lock myself in my bedroom for hours leaving them alone, I grabbed them, and hurt them….. All false….so obviously coached by their father. Yet for some reason the judge granted his petition, which for all intents and purposes removed all of my parental rights. The children were to have parenting time with me and be in therapy.
Fluffy removed them completely from the community in which they had lived since they were 1 and 2. He changed their schools, sports teams, girl scout troop, even the church. They had extremely limited or no contact with any friends. None since the first of the year. He gave them the “fresh start” they said they wanted to the judge. This man who only gave them attention when it was good for him, put them down, made them cry, yelled at them several times a week, was suddenly superdad. I went from mom of the year to mommy dearest.
I would drive an hour round trip 3 times a week to spend time with them. During this time, I was run away from, ignored, cursed at, had the police called on me, rocks thrown at me and my car, spit at, told that they hated me and never wanted to see me, told they didn’t want me as a mother, had my phone thrown in a creek, and mocked. Most of which Fluffy just sat and watch happen. Yet I would be accused of “upsetting the children” and “causing drama”. I never raised my voice to my kids or reprimanded them for their behavior. I just took it because I knew they needed to express their anger and that their dad was the source of their angst.
No parenting schedule was ever entered into the court. I saw my children a few (less than 10) hours during this time. Most of which were with Fluffy as well, because this was “the only way they would see me. They were afraid of me”. Christmas with my children was a gift exchange in a parking lot. Fluffy refused to take my gifts for the kids, I had to suggest they hold them on their lap. My two younger children gave me pictures they had drawn of themselves and their dad with captions saying how great life was with him. They each had cell phones that I provided for them which I left either a text or voicemail on daily. Never returned. Never a live conversation.
This time was hell. I felt a grief I didn’t even know existed. I watched my beautiful loving children treat me with utter contempt. I can’t even describe the pain of watching them be so manipulated and abused by him. Although I begged to have them put into therapy….it never happened. I spent thousands just trying to see my kids and get them in therapy.
My lawyer had advised me to “hang on like a pitbull”. So that’s what I did. I went to every game, school event, and every single scheduled parenting time. They never came with me, often ignored me. This past April, I finally got a court order saying the children needed to start therapy immediately and that they must attend parenting time. On April 27, I spent quality time with my children for the first time in 8 months.
Today is still one day at a time. Fluffy won’t allow overnight visits. I see them 16-18 hours a week. Often these are filled with their activities which is fine, I love going to them. They are very guarded and rarely show any affection. Most of the time, they won’t let me even touch them. They continue to spy on me, searching through my phone for evidence of I don’t know what and do not trust me. They are still not in therapy, and I can only pray he hasn’t permanently harmed them. My son mimics the behavior of his father and takes on the role of abuser; he is 11 years old. This is especially heartbreaking because my son is NOT a psychopath. He is a very sensitive and loving child. My daughter holds everything in. I know this is eating her up. I just want to wrap them in my arms and make it all better….but I can’t.
I have chosen to take the high road. I never respond to Fluffy’s nasty texts and emails. I only correspond when I have to. I avoid personal or phone contact as much as possible. I am friendly to him in front of the children and never speak a bad word. I hate being the actress. I have been acting in order to survive with him for 25 years. I just want to be me. It has been a year and a half since I fled from him and the legal process is just starting. My worst fear is that this will drag on for years. Fluffy has found a new victim to replace me. I can only pray for her.
So my words of wisdom, if I have any, are to hang on like a pit bull. Make the drive, send the emails and cards, always be YOU with your son. I don’t know where you and I will end up with this all legally, but we have to be able to show our children how much we fought for them. Because, one day they will come to us and ask “how could you let him do this”, and we have to be able to show them just how hard we fought and that we NEVER EVER stopped loving them.
Being the actress is hard. They know exactly what buttons to push to get us riled. But the more you can do it, the more satisfaction you will get. My only caution is to only play the actress with him. I made the mistake of playing the actress all the time only to find myself miserable. Take this time away from your son to find you again. Take care of yourself. I know this is hard. I fought it for over a year. I am only just now starting to do small things, but wow it feels great.
Hang in there….We can do this….we have no other choice for our children.
Many prayers….Iamstrong