Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “wantmylifeback41.”
When I first met him, I felt I loved him before I even knew him. He is the total opposite of me— a short, stocky dark hair Italian with eyes that seemed to focus on my every word. He moved quickly with me, telling me God had sent him an angel and he couldn’t wait to begin a life with me. I was so drawn to his looks and him being so attentive on me, I fell for him quickly.
Daughters
He is nine years younger than me and told me of his abusive childhood from his mother. I felt the need to protect him. He had two daughters at the time who were around 5 and 6 (they are 12 and 13 now) that his mother had custody of. He told me his ex was on meth and had abandoned the girls; he was serving a short stint in jail at the time. He told me he had made up credit card numbers because he got bored and ironically they worked. I believed his story and didn’t know of his past run-ins with the law.
I thought it was strange: If his mother was abusive to him, why did she have them? He had an answer for that as well. He told me he signed the girls over to his mother so his ex wouldn’t run to Michigan with them and he did it to protect them.
Car and a home
He did not have a car either at the time, he told me his ex had taken everything he owned to Michigan and he had not caught up financially since getting out of jail. It was around income tax time and he asked me if I would be willing to help him get a car. Like a fool, I did, and right after that he moved in with me.
I should mention I am blessed to have a huge home that was a gift from my parents that is totally paid for! He said he loved my home; he had never had anything compared to it and he seemed to basically worship me and my children.
I had made it a point in the beginning of our relationship to tell him that I do not drink and do not like people to drink around me and especially my children. He told me he did not drink, but very occasionally. He did not have a cell phone either and I told him I could add him to my Verizon account and he could just help me pay the bill every month for his part. He seemed so happy that I had done that and he also cried big tears when we went and got him a car.
Life seemed complete
Six months went by and my life was so happy!! He held me and started working in the basement to make it his own. My life seemed complete and my kids were happy with him too. Their ages at the time were around 11 (son), 13 and 14 (daughters). He would cry at times and tell me that nobody his entire life loved him the way I did and he was complete.
I thought he would want his girls to move in with us, but he told me his mother would not let him see them…that she wanted total control of them and was trying to replace them because she did such a bad job raising him. Again, I believed him and felt so sorry for him.
Calls and texts to another woman
One day, I got a call from Verizon telling me my usage on the family plan was at its limit. I couldn’t understand why, so I logged into the Verizon account and found he had been talking to a certain number for about 15 hours and had sent this same number about 2000 texts. I tried to call the number and it went to a basic message that the caller wasn’t answering and leave a message.
I confronted him about it and he told me it was a man at his work that was having some problems. I believed him again, but then the number was still appearing. Finally I called the number from a different number than my own and it was a female. I talked to her and she said she did work with him and if I didn’t treat him like “shit” he wouldn’t need to talk to her!!! I was floored, so HURT!!! How could he have done this to me? We talked and yelled at each other, he even cried to my daughters that he was wrong and please convince me he would end it with her. I forgave him!!
Accused me!
After that, he confronted me about an email ”¦ before he and I got together, I was emailing, nothing more but emailing, a man on a certain site ”¦ He hacked into my computer and told me I was cheating on HIM!! I tried to explain to him that if he looked at the dates, they did not correspond to when he and I got together ”¦ it did not matter to him, I did not tell him about it, therefore I was a cheater. I asked him why he hacked in my computer and he said he knew I was a cheater!!!
Six months later, he left me for a woman he worked with and his first love he reunited with on Facebook. He completely moved out of the house ”¦ he told me he just couldn’t trust me any more because of the email!!!
Came begging back
He moved in with his mammaw and pappaw and stayed gone about two weeks ”¦ He came begging back and told me he would never bring up the emails again if I would just love him again. I was so in love with him ”¦ all I wanted was him back. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
I told him we should start the proceedings to get his girls and have a happy life. I wanted to marry him and show him how a wife loves her husband and his children. He still cried and told me how mean his mom was, and I hated her. I would not look the woman in the face because I blamed her for making him be the way he was.
Still married
When I started planning our wedding, he finally told me he couldn’t because he was still married to his ex ”¦ she had been gone by this time for about 5 years ”¦ I couldn’t believe it ”¦ I also found out he did not have a driver’s license, taken because of child support he said (later found out also a DUI).
Needless to say, I am stupid, so when we started the proceedings to get custody of his girls, he filed for divorce as well. His mother got very sick and he called her in the hospital ”¦ when he hung up, he ran out the door crying his eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mother told him she had not loved him since he was 10 years old. I cried my eyes out with him and this made me hate her even more ”¦ He was only trying to be a daddy and how dare she talk that way to him ”¦
More time went on and his divorce went through, the custody case was at a standstill for some reason, but anyway we planned a church wedding ”¦ he wanted to get married in front of God!! He rushed the wedding, said he couldn’t wait, and I planned a beautiful wedding in about a month. We were married April 21 of last year and oh how happy I was.
Wantmylife: I think you are on your way to getting your life back. You are not stupid as you said in your story. You are loving and trusting and intelligent and attractive. That is what they look for…the very best people to manipulate. I just finished two good books. One is called, “Help, I’m in Love with a Narcissist” and the other is called “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person.” A lot of reading about the similarities (including here) of these types of people we are dealing with is helping me a lot. It feels like love because they draw us into their persona in the beginning. I’ve always said that a nice woman will stay with a creep for a decade still remembering that first 90 days of wonderful he shows her. The person you love is not real. It is the same as swooning over a character played by an actor. These people could easily win an Oscar with each new victim.
I do have one suggestion. If he is encouraging sex between his underage daughters and another woman’s underage son, you can report them to the state Human Services department anonymously in most states. He might just end up in jail again where he belongs. Also, don’t forget that bankruptcy is an option after divorce when you are left with their bills.
Thank you for sharing your story. You have helped others today because we can see ourselves and our perpetrators. Maybe you will not get your previous life back. Maybe you will get a life where you now know what to watch out for. A realistic life where you can recognize a bad reality and get away from it. You are very lucky to have such loving parents to give you a house and a father to really stick up for you. Many of us do not have good parents. I believe you will have a life after this….without a sociopath in it.
wantmylifeback,
cant help but keep coming back to reread your post…..you have been through so much….i hope life is getting better for you.i send you a thought…..
the beauty of life is while we can not undo what is done…we can see it,understand it,learn from it and change.so that every new moment is not spent in regret,guilt,fear or anger…….but in wisdom,understanding and love………………
you can move on from this and you will recover your life……..it sounds to me like your on the right path and in recovery..just be gentle on yourself….there is no time limit to healing………let go and let god,the healing universe,life……heal……….and guide you.
the main thing is you have done the right thing getting him out of your life now you just have to tell yourself you never want to be treated like that again.
OH MY GOD what a total loser and creep. They left $1 in their will because that is the only way he cannot go to court and claim that his parents (that he has been so loyal to, right?) forgot to include him. They remembered him alright, and it’s in writing. You better do the same if you know what’s best for you. The best thing you can do is tell everyone what a loser he is, change your locks, move, whatever. What a mess you let a loser make of your life. Scumbag. I wish I could help you dig a hole and bury him alive.
Standingstrong made exactly the point, we did not fall for our spaths, we fell for the role they played. They played the guy we all would like to date/marry/live for ever with, but it was acting. We still miss the fiction character that it looked so real because it was played for us by a real human being, but there is nothing of Him in the spath. Actually, the spath does almost have all the characteristics we do not like in a man, and those are his real traits.
Catherine,
I will remember that line for a long time: “We did not fall for our spaths, we fell for the role they played.
Thanks.
Catherine, I liked your observation that the spath has almost all the characteristics we don’t like in a man, and those are his real traits. Mine hated his sister for complaining he molested her as a teen. He hated his mother for believing his sister. He hated the female employees who reported his sexual harassment at work. In short, he has a problem with women. I’m a strong advocate of women’s rights, and never would have married a man like this, yet he talked about how he viewed women as equal to men. I would’ve never married a cheater, yet he claimed to be loyal and monogamous. He was arrogant, demeaning and a bully, yet he seemed at first like a kind, respectful man. I could go on and on, but yes, he was definitely not a man I would have ever considered dating, let alone marrying, if I’d seen the moldy scummy sewage pipe personality inside.
The distiction from the role he played and who he really is helped me a lot. I did the exercise of writing a list of the traits of the role he played and another with his real traits to see clearly that he was basically the opposite, and to underline that actually there was no internal conflict in me, I do still love a man for the same reasons I always did.
I know I am not completely healed, but recently I began to feel every now and then some pity for him. Thinking that he is actually so shallow and ugly inside that the only way to make people like him is to play he is someone he is not. Obviously my main concern is towards his victims, and I hope I will be able to expose him someday, but I would not like to be him. Imagine your life without being able to love. He is definitely poison for others but he is miserable.
its sad how we believe everything they tell us…we ignore all our instincts….i’m going through the same thing…it really hurts