Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “wantmylifeback41.”
When I first met him, I felt I loved him before I even knew him. He is the total opposite of me— a short, stocky dark hair Italian with eyes that seemed to focus on my every word. He moved quickly with me, telling me God had sent him an angel and he couldn’t wait to begin a life with me. I was so drawn to his looks and him being so attentive on me, I fell for him quickly.
Daughters
He is nine years younger than me and told me of his abusive childhood from his mother. I felt the need to protect him. He had two daughters at the time who were around 5 and 6 (they are 12 and 13 now) that his mother had custody of. He told me his ex was on meth and had abandoned the girls; he was serving a short stint in jail at the time. He told me he had made up credit card numbers because he got bored and ironically they worked. I believed his story and didn’t know of his past run-ins with the law.
I thought it was strange: If his mother was abusive to him, why did she have them? He had an answer for that as well. He told me he signed the girls over to his mother so his ex wouldn’t run to Michigan with them and he did it to protect them.
Car and a home
He did not have a car either at the time, he told me his ex had taken everything he owned to Michigan and he had not caught up financially since getting out of jail. It was around income tax time and he asked me if I would be willing to help him get a car. Like a fool, I did, and right after that he moved in with me.
I should mention I am blessed to have a huge home that was a gift from my parents that is totally paid for! He said he loved my home; he had never had anything compared to it and he seemed to basically worship me and my children.
I had made it a point in the beginning of our relationship to tell him that I do not drink and do not like people to drink around me and especially my children. He told me he did not drink, but very occasionally. He did not have a cell phone either and I told him I could add him to my Verizon account and he could just help me pay the bill every month for his part. He seemed so happy that I had done that and he also cried big tears when we went and got him a car.
Life seemed complete
Six months went by and my life was so happy!! He held me and started working in the basement to make it his own. My life seemed complete and my kids were happy with him too. Their ages at the time were around 11 (son), 13 and 14 (daughters). He would cry at times and tell me that nobody his entire life loved him the way I did and he was complete.
I thought he would want his girls to move in with us, but he told me his mother would not let him see them…that she wanted total control of them and was trying to replace them because she did such a bad job raising him. Again, I believed him and felt so sorry for him.
Calls and texts to another woman
One day, I got a call from Verizon telling me my usage on the family plan was at its limit. I couldn’t understand why, so I logged into the Verizon account and found he had been talking to a certain number for about 15 hours and had sent this same number about 2000 texts. I tried to call the number and it went to a basic message that the caller wasn’t answering and leave a message.
I confronted him about it and he told me it was a man at his work that was having some problems. I believed him again, but then the number was still appearing. Finally I called the number from a different number than my own and it was a female. I talked to her and she said she did work with him and if I didn’t treat him like “shit” he wouldn’t need to talk to her!!! I was floored, so HURT!!! How could he have done this to me? We talked and yelled at each other, he even cried to my daughters that he was wrong and please convince me he would end it with her. I forgave him!!
Accused me!
After that, he confronted me about an email ”¦ before he and I got together, I was emailing, nothing more but emailing, a man on a certain site ”¦ He hacked into my computer and told me I was cheating on HIM!! I tried to explain to him that if he looked at the dates, they did not correspond to when he and I got together ”¦ it did not matter to him, I did not tell him about it, therefore I was a cheater. I asked him why he hacked in my computer and he said he knew I was a cheater!!!
Six months later, he left me for a woman he worked with and his first love he reunited with on Facebook. He completely moved out of the house ”¦ he told me he just couldn’t trust me any more because of the email!!!
Came begging back
He moved in with his mammaw and pappaw and stayed gone about two weeks ”¦ He came begging back and told me he would never bring up the emails again if I would just love him again. I was so in love with him ”¦ all I wanted was him back. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
I told him we should start the proceedings to get his girls and have a happy life. I wanted to marry him and show him how a wife loves her husband and his children. He still cried and told me how mean his mom was, and I hated her. I would not look the woman in the face because I blamed her for making him be the way he was.
Still married
When I started planning our wedding, he finally told me he couldn’t because he was still married to his ex ”¦ she had been gone by this time for about 5 years ”¦ I couldn’t believe it ”¦ I also found out he did not have a driver’s license, taken because of child support he said (later found out also a DUI).
Needless to say, I am stupid, so when we started the proceedings to get custody of his girls, he filed for divorce as well. His mother got very sick and he called her in the hospital ”¦ when he hung up, he ran out the door crying his eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mother told him she had not loved him since he was 10 years old. I cried my eyes out with him and this made me hate her even more ”¦ He was only trying to be a daddy and how dare she talk that way to him ”¦
More time went on and his divorce went through, the custody case was at a standstill for some reason, but anyway we planned a church wedding ”¦ he wanted to get married in front of God!! He rushed the wedding, said he couldn’t wait, and I planned a beautiful wedding in about a month. We were married April 21 of last year and oh how happy I was.
Dear Wantmylifeback,
I feel your pain and frustration. Thank GOD you found LF and the people here…it will help you remove the illusion we have all suffered from,…wanting and loving a man who clearly was poison to us. Deception, betrayal, intention to destroy us and cause opening of old wounds. A giant ball of pain they wrap around us and they roll us down a hill…truly evil.
I understand the feeling of still loving and wanting the “spath.” I am just starting to get to a place where I no longer feel drawn to him, desire and longing for him…that has taken 7 months since leaving him, and almost 3 months of solid No Contact.
This place will help you gain your footing back. The people on this site have saved my life and sanity. I have learned more in the 2 months I have found LF about toxic men, than in 30 years of walking this earth.
Peace to you,
Blue
Wantmylifeback, what a shocking story. He is a textbook sociopath. So many victims here, am so glad you found your way to the LF community Want, and that his poor mother has offered you solidarity as you rebuild from the wreckage visited upon you all. Are the authorities aware of the sexual activity of his minor children and his sleeping with his 12 year old? I am horrified by this just horrified peace and love Want you’re amongst friends here x
Oof, Wantmylifeback, that is quite a story. Despite everything he is and everything he does, you love him. Yep, I know how that feels. But it is time to reclaim your life back. You know what he has done…..allowing his children to sleep with boys, trying to pass your daughter off as his girlfriend? Those two stand out to me as a starter.
You know what he has done ….now it’s time to find out what he is. Read everything you can about spaths. There are many articles here on this site that you can access. Knowledge is power….it has been for me. If you haven’t done so already you must go No Contact. That includes any “back door” contact such as FB or just idle gossip concerning him. It all serves to remind you and keep you connected to him.
Small steps, Wmlf. Good luck in your journey
Hi Strong,
Hope you are doing well.
I think your comment to WMLF is invaluable. I particularly like the part about NC meaning not only phoning, texting, FB, tweeting, email, driving by his house or haunts, running into him on purpose, seeing him in person just for a minute, etc., but also indulging in “idle gossip” or convos w/people that know him. That is a gem to remember. There is only one person I’ve spoken to about the monster in my life and it only made things much worse for many reasons, not the least of which is the attention you focus on him. Where the mind goes, the energy flows and also the excuse to keep ruminating with the new info and the info you forgot and the possible meaning of the new with the old info…..blargh. All so unhealthy and definitely huge obstacles that we throw in our paths to keep from detaching. It’s a hard job and only we can do it ourselves.
Without this total NC, it’s like a hardcore alcoholic and “just one drink.” A few minutes of fake euphoria, then the horrendous pain of an emotional body slam to the ground. SO not worth it. Each time, it’s more difficult to get up.
My best to you WMLF and so sorry for all that you have been through. All the more reason to push past it and keep living.
Still,
your analogy is accurate. It is an addiction and as you have eloquently shown, the only way to beat an addiction is to go cold turkey.
Everything I know I have learned through bitter experience and because of the good people here. Now it’s my turn. Just passing it along the line. Good day to ya still reeling.
SW
wantmylifeback,
Your story wasn’t rambling;what it was,was shocking!Anybody who involves children in sex and drugs is maladjusted and evil.
strongwoman and still reeling gave you excellent advice about going No Contact with your husband.Follow it.It is the ONLY WAY to heal from sociopaths!
I stayed with my husband so long that I actually fell out of love with him,LONG before I left him.But because of his glibness and charm,I know that I still have to be on the alert.So,I constantly remind myself of WHAT HE IS,and WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE WITH HIM!I haven’t had any contact with him for almost 5 monthes now.Instead of the anxiety and constant stress I was living with on a daily basis,I now enjoy PEACE and JOY~~how’s that for contrast?!
There is so much to tell and I was afarid my story could not be understood. I feel myself getting a little stronger everday, but I am so hateful to my family…I don’t mean to be, but I have no nerves anyway and the slightest thing I can’t deal with. Knowing Easter is Sunday and we would always take family pics and not to mention our anniversary next month..I am not sure how to deal.This site has been a God send to me for information. I am still not sure what to do about the car, I was told he left the state in it and I can’t afford my check to be garnished. I know I should hate him…nobody really understands except us on here…the victims!!
wmlb,
I’m so sorry about all you’ve been subjected to.
It was painful to read “please help me not to love him.”
Here is my opinion.
You already do not love him. Real love requires a degree of respect, and who could respect this man who has done these outrageous things, who doesn’t pay for his own stuff, and whose own mother and grandmother think he is filth. Nobody.
Maybe there are lingering elements of a girlish crush, or enmeshment in general, or he could have had magic pheromones that suited your nose perfectly… but the real story is that he broke your brain and it needs to heal.
As with most of the people who come here, and anyone who has been this hurt and this unjustly treated, the thing you need has less to do with this guy’s appeal than it has to do with needing deprogramming, as if from a cult that did a number on your mind and soul.
This guy is not a man. He’s not.
He is also not a sympathetic figure, so don’t give another thought to feeling bad about leaving him without a car, and save your sadness and compassion for other people. He’s not sympathetic and he is not appealing. He is a lunatic. He is a diseased and decaying carcass that can walk and talk.
wantmylifeback, I totally understand! Blossom, it’s going on five months for me too, since I last talked to mine. This week, I was going through a few things of his left in my garage and came across a zippered portfolio he used to carry paperwork in at his job. Figured I might as well take it to work and get some use out of it. No matter how many awful things I’ve found out about, it just never ends. You just keep finding out more and more awful things they’ve been up to. I reached in the side pocket of the notebook and out fell a condom and a female’s name and phone number. It felt like the room was spinning. Even tho we’ve lived apart for over a year, it just tore me up. Barely made it thru the workday and had to choke back tears.
So how is it I still miss him, and would give anything for a hug and to hear him say, “Baby, I LOVE you!” Yes, I should hate him, and some days I do. Like Blossom said, living with him was anxiety and constant stress. Who would miss that? It’s crazy and impossible to explain. Before getting involved with the spath, I’ll bet none of us would’ve put up with anybody treating us like this, let alone taking them back for another chance. Even my mother said if I took that man back, I needed my head examined, but I still reconciled with him when he cried and said he was making a fresh start as the husband he always should have been to me.
Be on guard, wantmylife back, because they’re very beguiling and cunning. Be strong and close him out of your life.They will come back around with a different song and dance, but they never change.
my spath said the very same thing…let him be the husband that he knew he could be if I just let him come back! That was last week…now once again he is back to calling me horrible names and cursing me…I have blocked him now on facebook and I hope he will leave me alone..He could cry big tears and tell me he was gonna kill himself at drop of a hat. I find it amazing that most of the spaths say the very same thing to us.
A good first step is to not call him “my spath”. We often refer to them here as non-human and not belonging to us to keep our distance from them.
Psychopaths are evil and dangerous. I could only wish they would kill themselves to prevent the inevitable harm they will continue to cause to countless victims.
I happened along the following video this evening and I was so
touched by it that I thought I would share it with all of you.
It is the video of a girl/woman in Croatia, the victim of severe
abuse. It is a video diary of her from day to day. Some scenes
may be triggering and/or disturbing to watch, so I will issue the
warning ahead of time that it may not be suitable for all viewers.
At the end of the video, she is holding up a sign,
written on a piece of paper, and it says, in Croatian:
“Help me, I don’t think I will survive or live another day.”
What happened to her, from there, I do not know.
It is so sad that innocent people are abused physically
but sometimes it’s equally as bad being abused emotionally
Please say a prayer for this lovely girl.
There is NO WAY I was going to let this happen TO ME!!!!!
*Advisement: The following video may/may not be unsuitable
for some viewers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Ertu9_MhFiM