Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “wantmylifeback41.”
When I first met him, I felt I loved him before I even knew him. He is the total opposite of me— a short, stocky dark hair Italian with eyes that seemed to focus on my every word. He moved quickly with me, telling me God had sent him an angel and he couldn’t wait to begin a life with me. I was so drawn to his looks and him being so attentive on me, I fell for him quickly.
Daughters
He is nine years younger than me and told me of his abusive childhood from his mother. I felt the need to protect him. He had two daughters at the time who were around 5 and 6 (they are 12 and 13 now) that his mother had custody of. He told me his ex was on meth and had abandoned the girls; he was serving a short stint in jail at the time. He told me he had made up credit card numbers because he got bored and ironically they worked. I believed his story and didn’t know of his past run-ins with the law.
I thought it was strange: If his mother was abusive to him, why did she have them? He had an answer for that as well. He told me he signed the girls over to his mother so his ex wouldn’t run to Michigan with them and he did it to protect them.
Car and a home
He did not have a car either at the time, he told me his ex had taken everything he owned to Michigan and he had not caught up financially since getting out of jail. It was around income tax time and he asked me if I would be willing to help him get a car. Like a fool, I did, and right after that he moved in with me.
I should mention I am blessed to have a huge home that was a gift from my parents that is totally paid for! He said he loved my home; he had never had anything compared to it and he seemed to basically worship me and my children.
I had made it a point in the beginning of our relationship to tell him that I do not drink and do not like people to drink around me and especially my children. He told me he did not drink, but very occasionally. He did not have a cell phone either and I told him I could add him to my Verizon account and he could just help me pay the bill every month for his part. He seemed so happy that I had done that and he also cried big tears when we went and got him a car.
Life seemed complete
Six months went by and my life was so happy!! He held me and started working in the basement to make it his own. My life seemed complete and my kids were happy with him too. Their ages at the time were around 11 (son), 13 and 14 (daughters). He would cry at times and tell me that nobody his entire life loved him the way I did and he was complete.
I thought he would want his girls to move in with us, but he told me his mother would not let him see them…that she wanted total control of them and was trying to replace them because she did such a bad job raising him. Again, I believed him and felt so sorry for him.
Calls and texts to another woman
One day, I got a call from Verizon telling me my usage on the family plan was at its limit. I couldn’t understand why, so I logged into the Verizon account and found he had been talking to a certain number for about 15 hours and had sent this same number about 2000 texts. I tried to call the number and it went to a basic message that the caller wasn’t answering and leave a message.
I confronted him about it and he told me it was a man at his work that was having some problems. I believed him again, but then the number was still appearing. Finally I called the number from a different number than my own and it was a female. I talked to her and she said she did work with him and if I didn’t treat him like “shit” he wouldn’t need to talk to her!!! I was floored, so HURT!!! How could he have done this to me? We talked and yelled at each other, he even cried to my daughters that he was wrong and please convince me he would end it with her. I forgave him!!
Accused me!
After that, he confronted me about an email ”¦ before he and I got together, I was emailing, nothing more but emailing, a man on a certain site ”¦ He hacked into my computer and told me I was cheating on HIM!! I tried to explain to him that if he looked at the dates, they did not correspond to when he and I got together ”¦ it did not matter to him, I did not tell him about it, therefore I was a cheater. I asked him why he hacked in my computer and he said he knew I was a cheater!!!
Six months later, he left me for a woman he worked with and his first love he reunited with on Facebook. He completely moved out of the house ”¦ he told me he just couldn’t trust me any more because of the email!!!
Came begging back
He moved in with his mammaw and pappaw and stayed gone about two weeks ”¦ He came begging back and told me he would never bring up the emails again if I would just love him again. I was so in love with him ”¦ all I wanted was him back. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
I told him we should start the proceedings to get his girls and have a happy life. I wanted to marry him and show him how a wife loves her husband and his children. He still cried and told me how mean his mom was, and I hated her. I would not look the woman in the face because I blamed her for making him be the way he was.
Still married
When I started planning our wedding, he finally told me he couldn’t because he was still married to his ex ”¦ she had been gone by this time for about 5 years ”¦ I couldn’t believe it ”¦ I also found out he did not have a driver’s license, taken because of child support he said (later found out also a DUI).
Needless to say, I am stupid, so when we started the proceedings to get custody of his girls, he filed for divorce as well. His mother got very sick and he called her in the hospital ”¦ when he hung up, he ran out the door crying his eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mother told him she had not loved him since he was 10 years old. I cried my eyes out with him and this made me hate her even more ”¦ He was only trying to be a daddy and how dare she talk that way to him ”¦
More time went on and his divorce went through, the custody case was at a standstill for some reason, but anyway we planned a church wedding ”¦ he wanted to get married in front of God!! He rushed the wedding, said he couldn’t wait, and I planned a beautiful wedding in about a month. We were married April 21 of last year and oh how happy I was.
Sorry, had to start a new comment…
You will get to a better headspace soon, especially with No Contact. But people talking about addiction are right. You have an addiction. Many of us have been through it. A dependency or an exhiliration from contact… which medicates the pain from same person’s most recent abuses.
This person is dragging you down into the gutter and to a lower class than you were intended to occupy, and this has nothing to do with draining your money. By being ugly to you he degraded you.
He doesn’t deserve your love, and way deep down you do not feel the kind of love you are capable of feeling more a civilized human which he is not.
You nned to do something comforting for your own physical body… like bubble baths, a foot rub at a spa, anthing like that and with some frequency.
Thank God every day that this guy is nowhere near.
He is clearly so awful he could have physically harmed you or your kids or taken your life. A number of people here have posted of never having imagined that their particular evil mate or family member could have killed, even though they knew the person was no good.
I hope it will help you a little to think or understand that what it is your are feeling is not love.
wantmylifeback, I’m SO glad that you took my advice and joined this site. It was a lifesaver for me along with a good therapists who fully understood sociopaths and actually suggested that I join this site. The people here are wonderfully supportive. I joined over 6 years ago and I know sometimes the Lovefraud members probably got so frustrated with me that they would have liked to have shaken me! NC was no problem for me. My ex sociopath headed for the hills (literally) after he took exhausted all the resources I had to offer him and found another willing victim. I NEVER really had any desire to see him after that. I was 8 years his senior and felt that I deserved to be left because I was getting older, had put on a few pounds but was still far from overweight, and was showing normal signs of aging. Also, he told me that I was old and boring. And, I BELIEVED these things about myself! He left me for a gal 18 years younger than me. I mostly felt total shock because his leaving came as a total surprise…we SEEMED to have the perfect marriage. Within two days of his leaving, HIS friends and family contacted me to tell me not to waste a single tear on him because he only did to me what he had done to every woman before me and would do after me. And, that was gain my sympathy, use me for my money and excellent credit while cheating on me behind my back with any woman he could, and once he expended all of my resources, he would move onto the next victim. He had a history of this that I did not know about. And, a few people tried to warn me about him but I thought I was “special”. Why? Because he TOLD me that I was! And, isn’t that what we all want to hear about ourselves? I also learned that he had had sex with minors during our marriage…16 & 17 year olds and he was nearly 40 at the time. And, prior to our marriage, he was accused of molesting 3 little girls…all daughters of previous girlfriends. I HEARD a lot of things during our marriage but like your soon to be ex sociopath, he seemed to have a valid and believable explanation for everything! Don’t be too hard on yourself for believing the lies. You are NOT a fool! You are a normal woman who wanted a normal marriage and to live happily ever after. He KNEW this about you because he was studying you much more than you were studying him! He targeted you for the goodness in you. While that sucks that he did that, don’t allow him doing that to change who you are. You just fell prey to the wrong man! Please keep posting on here. You will learn the warning signs/red flags that will help prevent you from finding yourself in this situation again. And, please, don’t get it in your head that ALL men are BAD because they are NOT! As you know, I am now married to a wonderful man. No, he doesn’t stroke my ego, tell me how beautiful I am 20 times a day or constantly tell me how much he loves me and needs me. I actually struggled with NOT hearing that nonsense after hearing it for nearly 8 years from my ex sociopath. BUT, actions mean volumes. ANYONE can constantly feed us ear candy! And, something I used to hear a lot here of Lovefraud was if it seems to good to be true, then it probably isn’t! I KNOW my current husband loves me because of the respect he shows me, his desire to protect me and take care of me. He does everything in his power to keep stress off of me and expects NOTHING from me except my love. He has NO sad stories to tell other than his own involvement with a sociopath which I think he may post on here at some point but he doesn’t seek pity for it. I honestly believe that the good Lord brought us together because he FULLY understands how being married to a sociopath for years, believing that they are normal and then having to go through the ordeal of being discarded can affect people. People who have NOT dealt with a sociopath can NOT understand. They even tell US that we need to get over it or that WE are crazy! Grrr… And, as I’ve said to you many times before, the ONE thing that helped me unattached myself from him emotionally is realizing that NOTHING about him was REAL. I might as well have been in love with Mickey Mouse or the Easter Bunny! And, I FOOLISHLY tried to warn the girl he left me for…his next victim and it was ALL in vain. However, she’s been with him 6 years now and is miserable! She communicates with me from time to time to tell me that she really wished she had of listened but she invested herself SO deeply with him that she isn’t in a position to dig her way out…yet. I pity her. I suggest that you do the same when you hear of his involvement with other women. They mean NOTHING to him except what he can take from them. I KNEW what he was when you married him because I was his mother’s best friend for 20 years and that was during the years that she was raising him! I KNEW that he had not suffered the abuse that you spoke of and that she was NOT the person that he led you to believe that she was. However, I knew that warning you would be pointless. We, as normal individuals, can NOT compete with the lies of a sociopath. They are too good at what they do. They hide WHAT they are SO well and pretend to be everything we’ve ever dreamed of. The ONLY way any of us learn what they are is unfortunately, when they take their masks off and allow us to see them for what they are and I honestly believe that they get a charge out it! It’s cruel and sick. You WILL find true happiness again and through the grapevine, you WILL eventually witness the karma of it all. The women that he is currently feeding the ear candy WILL sadly suffer being used and taken advantage of just like you. NOBODY and yet EVERYBODY will be “special” to him but only for what he can take from them. Count your blessings that he is out of your life and get that restraining order! If you tell the police that he has abused you and that you fear for your life, they SHOULD serve it on him quickly! I love you, girlfriend and am SO sorry that you are going through this!
tami:
I loved your post. Just what I needed to hear. Hallelujah on this Easter morning!!! Thank you!
Great article on manipulation…
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Treffert1.html
Tami,
I’m glad wantmylife has a friend like you!
I just wanted to mention that although the hugs you get from friends are different from hugs you get from partners,it is HUGS that we miss and need.Better to get hugs that are sincere and from friends we can trust and who we respect and who respect us!(((Hugs)))
Today has been a horrible day! Going to church this morning made me so sad ..it was the first time I had been there since he left me. He also sent me a message yesterday that he got the divorce papers and wiped his ass with them and told me he wasn’t signing sh**!! He is furious I served him with divorce papers…..I want him to set me free…legally atleast!!
wantmylifeback,
Spath was acting like a child~~see him in your mind that way.That way,when he acts the way you described,it won’t hurt as much.It will probably still annoy you;like kids sometimes annoy.
As for showing at church alone for the first time~I know.That can feel like everyone’s looking at you!But if you act like you’ve always been coming along ,or that it doesn’t bother you,they’ll go on about their business.Sometimes it’s just our minds playing games with us,making us imagine that all eyes are on us!
Except when they say,”oh my gosh..you have lost so much weight”..The people at my church or atleast most of them know I am going through a divorce, they just don’t know why and it is so embarassing because it was only 11 months I walked down the aisle.My son gave me away, along with my daughters behind us. I HATE what he has done to me!!! I want my life back!!! I want to smile again and not be so streesed out!! Its not fair for my credit to be ruined and him have no consciense to what he has done. Car loan place says for him to finance the car…I laugh because he can’t buy anything on credit…It’s just not fair…any of it!!! I am so mad at myself for doing anything for him…Everything was done for love!
wantmylifeback,
You have NO REASON to feel embarrassed!If spath had been a good husband,you’d still be married~THE FAULT IS NOT YOURS!It’s not unusual for someone who has been betrayed to lose weight.I knew a woman whose husband cheated on her;she dropped 15 lbs seemingly overnight(I was a child).Today she is happily married to another man.He has supported her through thin and thick.
You will laugh again!Don’t look backward with regrets!
wantmylifeback41:
So sorry that happened to you. I know that was hard for you at church. 🙁
I went down to a Size 0 and I am 5’7″!! So I know all about the weight loss. But you will gain it again when you are NO longer in his clutches. I have gained almost 10 pounds now. I don’t like it as I liked being really thin, but it is what it is. You will be OK…it just takes a lot of time. Take care.