Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “wantmylifeback41.”
When I first met him, I felt I loved him before I even knew him. He is the total opposite of me— a short, stocky dark hair Italian with eyes that seemed to focus on my every word. He moved quickly with me, telling me God had sent him an angel and he couldn’t wait to begin a life with me. I was so drawn to his looks and him being so attentive on me, I fell for him quickly.
Daughters
He is nine years younger than me and told me of his abusive childhood from his mother. I felt the need to protect him. He had two daughters at the time who were around 5 and 6 (they are 12 and 13 now) that his mother had custody of. He told me his ex was on meth and had abandoned the girls; he was serving a short stint in jail at the time. He told me he had made up credit card numbers because he got bored and ironically they worked. I believed his story and didn’t know of his past run-ins with the law.
I thought it was strange: If his mother was abusive to him, why did she have them? He had an answer for that as well. He told me he signed the girls over to his mother so his ex wouldn’t run to Michigan with them and he did it to protect them.
Car and a home
He did not have a car either at the time, he told me his ex had taken everything he owned to Michigan and he had not caught up financially since getting out of jail. It was around income tax time and he asked me if I would be willing to help him get a car. Like a fool, I did, and right after that he moved in with me.
I should mention I am blessed to have a huge home that was a gift from my parents that is totally paid for! He said he loved my home; he had never had anything compared to it and he seemed to basically worship me and my children.
I had made it a point in the beginning of our relationship to tell him that I do not drink and do not like people to drink around me and especially my children. He told me he did not drink, but very occasionally. He did not have a cell phone either and I told him I could add him to my Verizon account and he could just help me pay the bill every month for his part. He seemed so happy that I had done that and he also cried big tears when we went and got him a car.
Life seemed complete
Six months went by and my life was so happy!! He held me and started working in the basement to make it his own. My life seemed complete and my kids were happy with him too. Their ages at the time were around 11 (son), 13 and 14 (daughters). He would cry at times and tell me that nobody his entire life loved him the way I did and he was complete.
I thought he would want his girls to move in with us, but he told me his mother would not let him see them…that she wanted total control of them and was trying to replace them because she did such a bad job raising him. Again, I believed him and felt so sorry for him.
Calls and texts to another woman
One day, I got a call from Verizon telling me my usage on the family plan was at its limit. I couldn’t understand why, so I logged into the Verizon account and found he had been talking to a certain number for about 15 hours and had sent this same number about 2000 texts. I tried to call the number and it went to a basic message that the caller wasn’t answering and leave a message.
I confronted him about it and he told me it was a man at his work that was having some problems. I believed him again, but then the number was still appearing. Finally I called the number from a different number than my own and it was a female. I talked to her and she said she did work with him and if I didn’t treat him like “shit” he wouldn’t need to talk to her!!! I was floored, so HURT!!! How could he have done this to me? We talked and yelled at each other, he even cried to my daughters that he was wrong and please convince me he would end it with her. I forgave him!!
Accused me!
After that, he confronted me about an email ”¦ before he and I got together, I was emailing, nothing more but emailing, a man on a certain site ”¦ He hacked into my computer and told me I was cheating on HIM!! I tried to explain to him that if he looked at the dates, they did not correspond to when he and I got together ”¦ it did not matter to him, I did not tell him about it, therefore I was a cheater. I asked him why he hacked in my computer and he said he knew I was a cheater!!!
Six months later, he left me for a woman he worked with and his first love he reunited with on Facebook. He completely moved out of the house ”¦ he told me he just couldn’t trust me any more because of the email!!!
Came begging back
He moved in with his mammaw and pappaw and stayed gone about two weeks ”¦ He came begging back and told me he would never bring up the emails again if I would just love him again. I was so in love with him ”¦ all I wanted was him back. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
I told him we should start the proceedings to get his girls and have a happy life. I wanted to marry him and show him how a wife loves her husband and his children. He still cried and told me how mean his mom was, and I hated her. I would not look the woman in the face because I blamed her for making him be the way he was.
Still married
When I started planning our wedding, he finally told me he couldn’t because he was still married to his ex ”¦ she had been gone by this time for about 5 years ”¦ I couldn’t believe it ”¦ I also found out he did not have a driver’s license, taken because of child support he said (later found out also a DUI).
Needless to say, I am stupid, so when we started the proceedings to get custody of his girls, he filed for divorce as well. His mother got very sick and he called her in the hospital ”¦ when he hung up, he ran out the door crying his eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mother told him she had not loved him since he was 10 years old. I cried my eyes out with him and this made me hate her even more ”¦ He was only trying to be a daddy and how dare she talk that way to him ”¦
More time went on and his divorce went through, the custody case was at a standstill for some reason, but anyway we planned a church wedding ”¦ he wanted to get married in front of God!! He rushed the wedding, said he couldn’t wait, and I planned a beautiful wedding in about a month. We were married April 21 of last year and oh how happy I was.
Happy Easter lovefraud bunnies eat some eggs Lou !! I’m 5’8 and dropped to almost size o my clothes were hanging off me. Awful.You have no energy or immunity at that low weight .
I’m 5’9 and lost 17,5 lbs in 6 months during my relationship. Size 0 aint fun in that condition. Just awful…
HWant, Loulou and Blossom are right, you have no reason to feel ashamed, being taken in by these horrible people is not a badge of low intelligence or low morals. It’s anyone’s place to judge you in any case and your fellow church members should understand you deserve comfort and support. It’s the abuser who should feel utterly ashamed not you but it’s a feature of their sickness that they can’t and in my case my abuser tries to dump his shame on me. Refuse to carry their shame Want and hold your head high you may be able to help others in future as your lovely friend ,Tami was able to help you .
I agree with Tea Light.Because of our own experience,we are often in a better position to comfort others;whether their trial is with a sociopath or some other problem.Afterall,we,ve had to cope with much more than spaths!
Tea Light:
I am trying to lose the weight actually…haha! I’ve gone up two sizes and menopause is helping to make it out of control. Just got back from counseling. Seems that it’s MY shame that has helped these things to happen to me. It’s funny…I’ve been reading tons of articles about shame about spath, but it’s MY shame. She gave me two handouts to read and on one, there are 21 feelings that I have to say if I identify with them or not and take it back next week. It’s not about them now…it’s about me now. I still have questions that I will never get answered about what happened to me, but I am beginning to let it go.
Were you supposed to leave on your trip today? Did you go? x
Greetings from gay Paree Lou! I made it and I’m alone as my friend is at his sister’s so just relaxing and playing with my new phone. I did a questionnaire like that too, for my second session. It said l isolate myself and fear attachments. I do now!! Well am trying to get out more in last month you have to. This woman sounds an absolute godsend Lou it’s so good to hear you are finding her input helpful – do you cry ? I always cry every week like clockwork but less now than when started I’ve got to read Victor Frankl as my homework no calls from the petit con thankfully
Tea Light:
Yay…so glad you made it to France! Wish I could go. I will someday. Glad you are relaxing. I do not cry there. Wish I could. I think it would be even more healing. She was really good today at explaining how the shame develops…as young children. Enjoy yourself. x
But I’m taking action Lou I’ve decided to. I no longer care if his son will be upset. His father is ruining my life with his behaviour and l have to protect myself. He uses his child to manipulate me into silence and l will not allow it anymore. He is responsible for his child’s well being. He assaulted and stalked me. I have a right to protect myself. It isn’t revenge. If you stalk and you are married your spouse will find out. He needs a reality check.
Thanks love l will it’s cold here but still lovely x
Tea Light:
You got it! Absolutely. HE is the one doing wrong and HE deserves the consequences, whatever they may be, because of his actions. I used to feel the exact same way about Scousepath…that his children would suffer if I said anything and he was fired, but I got to a point where that didn’t matter anymore. I do think my reporting him last year probably contributed to him being fired this year, but that is not my problem. I used to feel guilty, but now I don’t. He deserved it and he obviously was doing these other things…they NEVER are doing just one thing bad…it’s evil all around. They are very messed up. My counselor explained to me today how when we are shamed as children, we will either grow up trying to be perfect…being extremely responsible…being the good one…blah, blah, blah OR we will grow up being irresponsible, doing wrong things, etc. I grew up good and Scousepath grew up bad. I went in one extreme direction and he went in the other.
Sooooo, you are doing the right thing. Just do what you have to do. The sooner he has to face the consequences, the sooner you will be rid of him. My gut feeling is he won’t mess with you anymore when he knows you really mean business! Good luck. x
DYep, me too, l became the responsible one and my sister became the chaos monger and havoc creator. I’m not a fan of pathologising victims of abusers as some sites seem to and abuse is abuse however working out why if it was obvious someone was not good news you let them in to wreck havoc in your life is necessary for some of us . Others l think just were had by very skilled con artists. Mine was clearly bad news and my gut knew it and l walked into disaster like a zombie with my gut saying no no no! That cannot ever happen again it’s been devastating the worst year of my life. Love to you dear. We’ll pull through. X