Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “wantmylifeback41.”
When I first met him, I felt I loved him before I even knew him. He is the total opposite of me— a short, stocky dark hair Italian with eyes that seemed to focus on my every word. He moved quickly with me, telling me God had sent him an angel and he couldn’t wait to begin a life with me. I was so drawn to his looks and him being so attentive on me, I fell for him quickly.
Daughters
He is nine years younger than me and told me of his abusive childhood from his mother. I felt the need to protect him. He had two daughters at the time who were around 5 and 6 (they are 12 and 13 now) that his mother had custody of. He told me his ex was on meth and had abandoned the girls; he was serving a short stint in jail at the time. He told me he had made up credit card numbers because he got bored and ironically they worked. I believed his story and didn’t know of his past run-ins with the law.
I thought it was strange: If his mother was abusive to him, why did she have them? He had an answer for that as well. He told me he signed the girls over to his mother so his ex wouldn’t run to Michigan with them and he did it to protect them.
Car and a home
He did not have a car either at the time, he told me his ex had taken everything he owned to Michigan and he had not caught up financially since getting out of jail. It was around income tax time and he asked me if I would be willing to help him get a car. Like a fool, I did, and right after that he moved in with me.
I should mention I am blessed to have a huge home that was a gift from my parents that is totally paid for! He said he loved my home; he had never had anything compared to it and he seemed to basically worship me and my children.
I had made it a point in the beginning of our relationship to tell him that I do not drink and do not like people to drink around me and especially my children. He told me he did not drink, but very occasionally. He did not have a cell phone either and I told him I could add him to my Verizon account and he could just help me pay the bill every month for his part. He seemed so happy that I had done that and he also cried big tears when we went and got him a car.
Life seemed complete
Six months went by and my life was so happy!! He held me and started working in the basement to make it his own. My life seemed complete and my kids were happy with him too. Their ages at the time were around 11 (son), 13 and 14 (daughters). He would cry at times and tell me that nobody his entire life loved him the way I did and he was complete.
I thought he would want his girls to move in with us, but he told me his mother would not let him see them…that she wanted total control of them and was trying to replace them because she did such a bad job raising him. Again, I believed him and felt so sorry for him.
Calls and texts to another woman
One day, I got a call from Verizon telling me my usage on the family plan was at its limit. I couldn’t understand why, so I logged into the Verizon account and found he had been talking to a certain number for about 15 hours and had sent this same number about 2000 texts. I tried to call the number and it went to a basic message that the caller wasn’t answering and leave a message.
I confronted him about it and he told me it was a man at his work that was having some problems. I believed him again, but then the number was still appearing. Finally I called the number from a different number than my own and it was a female. I talked to her and she said she did work with him and if I didn’t treat him like “shit” he wouldn’t need to talk to her!!! I was floored, so HURT!!! How could he have done this to me? We talked and yelled at each other, he even cried to my daughters that he was wrong and please convince me he would end it with her. I forgave him!!
Accused me!
After that, he confronted me about an email ”¦ before he and I got together, I was emailing, nothing more but emailing, a man on a certain site ”¦ He hacked into my computer and told me I was cheating on HIM!! I tried to explain to him that if he looked at the dates, they did not correspond to when he and I got together ”¦ it did not matter to him, I did not tell him about it, therefore I was a cheater. I asked him why he hacked in my computer and he said he knew I was a cheater!!!
Six months later, he left me for a woman he worked with and his first love he reunited with on Facebook. He completely moved out of the house ”¦ he told me he just couldn’t trust me any more because of the email!!!
Came begging back
He moved in with his mammaw and pappaw and stayed gone about two weeks ”¦ He came begging back and told me he would never bring up the emails again if I would just love him again. I was so in love with him ”¦ all I wanted was him back. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
I told him we should start the proceedings to get his girls and have a happy life. I wanted to marry him and show him how a wife loves her husband and his children. He still cried and told me how mean his mom was, and I hated her. I would not look the woman in the face because I blamed her for making him be the way he was.
Still married
When I started planning our wedding, he finally told me he couldn’t because he was still married to his ex ”¦ she had been gone by this time for about 5 years ”¦ I couldn’t believe it ”¦ I also found out he did not have a driver’s license, taken because of child support he said (later found out also a DUI).
Needless to say, I am stupid, so when we started the proceedings to get custody of his girls, he filed for divorce as well. His mother got very sick and he called her in the hospital ”¦ when he hung up, he ran out the door crying his eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mother told him she had not loved him since he was 10 years old. I cried my eyes out with him and this made me hate her even more ”¦ He was only trying to be a daddy and how dare she talk that way to him ”¦
More time went on and his divorce went through, the custody case was at a standstill for some reason, but anyway we planned a church wedding ”¦ he wanted to get married in front of God!! He rushed the wedding, said he couldn’t wait, and I planned a beautiful wedding in about a month. We were married April 21 of last year and oh how happy I was.
Tea Light:
Me, too. I was even warned and walked headlong into it anyway. And I am even extremely intuitive. But it didn’t help in this situation. It was a perfect storm that is all I have to say. But it’s over now and there is nothing more I can do. I don’t like people to dislike me…even disordered people. So because of that, this has been hard because I cared what he thought about me, but why should I? It happened, I loved him, he didn’t love me, he hates me now and it’s over. Like you said, it can NEVER happen again and it won’t. Yep, we will be OK. I say this all the time, but I am going to say it again…we WILL be OK, but they NEVER will. Remember that. x
Ay ay Captain Lou l hear you loud and clear -all aboard the good ship Recovery !:) x
Anytime I was asked about my weight loss I would openly admit to the fact that it was “infidelity weight loss”. I remember there being such a ruckus about how/why princess Di was so skinny….well now I understand….
I had dropped down to a size 0 too….it’s unnatural!!!
Poor Di. She would have loved LF!!
You can almost bet when you see someone who is really skinny, there is something going on in that person’s life (minus cancer or something like that). I am convinced of that now. Could also go the other way with being overweight. I tend to see more skinny sufferers though…just my observation. Not saying that is true.
I am doing a little better today! I figure he will get caught being drunk or will get in trouble with the law. i got a phone call today that he wrote bad checks because the collection place called ME for payment..I told them I knew nothing of it.I keep hoping he will get caught and somebody will notify me long enough to get the car back. I was also told he is drinking non-stop…I just can’t worry about it no more! I did everything right plus some! I do wonder though, do spaths have karma? As far as weight goes, I was a size 14…I am now a size 2. Thank you all for the input!
I was losing weight for awhile when I was still with spath.I even mentioned my concern about my weight loss to my doctor. I really was afraid there was a health issue behind it.
But once I left spath and was no longer running to keep up with his constant demands,and was able to sleep and eat,I wasn’t losing anymore.But because of medications I had to take for anxiety & neurological issues as well as inflammation,I’ve gained weight!I wouldn’t mind looking like Princess Di before she lost so much weight!
My SPath told me everything I wanted to hear, too. EXCEPT “I really screwed up. I’m sorry.” In place of that, she only gave me rationalizations, excuses, lies, denial and severe, ridiculously horrible abuse. She saw me losing weight, hospitalized and sick and she laughed and called me the sick one. My friends and colleagues turned their backs on me after she told them how “abusive” I was. She ruined me. The really scary part is that now she’s a practicing physician, working with the sick and vulnerable. She practices a weird form of Buddhism and touts her compassion and empathy to everyone she meets. She destroyed me and never looked back. I have nightmares, unbearable anxiety and serious health problems because of this self-labeled “compassionate healer.” I wonder if I’ll ever feel strong and sane again.
Hey, Tea Light!
No, she’s not into Falun Gong. (Falun Gong isn’t Buddhism – it’s a variation of Qi Gong – a Taoist practice.) She follows this sociopathic guru in Germany who calls himself “Samarpan”. (One of my favorite quotes from Samarpan: “A lie is simply creative truth.” ) Did you ever read “People of the Lie”? She reminds me of the patient Dr. Peck was treating who he called “Charlene”. If you haven’t read this book, I suggest you get a copy and do so.
There has been some discussion in this thread about weight loss. While I was in the middle of the abuse, I went from 130 to 105 pounds in under a month. I looked like a skeleton. I’ve put all that weight back on and, damn! I’m a BEAUTIFUL man! HAHA.
Yes I was in counseling twice a week for 2 years. I was getting acupuncture treatments and taking herbs that whole time too. I think the part that was the worst was that she was able to manipulate people into taking her side against me. I lost a lot of friends who I loved and who were very precious to me. We all know the chameleon-like abilities of sociopaths, right? Her knowledge of the jargon of “Buddhism” allows her to don a very effective mask. That’s really alarming to me when I consider that she’s practicing Oriental Medicine and teaching meditation and apparently trying to start a cult of her own.
But I’m going to be fine. Eventually.
Thanks for your reply.
HappyJack, welcome and sorry to read of the health problems your abuser caused you, sadly many of us here are coping with severe stress related problems , anxiety and depression however there are many excellent articles on how to manage these, some here like me are on anti depressants others not, mindfulness and tapping has been discussed often and helps some – are you receiving counseling? Do you have a support system to draw on? You sound as if you have had a horrendous time of it. Is your ex in the Falun Gong branch of buddhism? I ask as l know someone whose ex was a member and it seemed distinctly cult like to me. Hang in there jack your happy can come back with time
Hi wantmylifeback41
I want to applaud you for reaching out to the lovefraud community for help. Especially at tjos critical time. I didn’t have time to read all the other comments but I wanted to let you know that we are all here for you. Things are going to feel like they get a lot worse before they get better, but I assure you it is worth it. The no contact rule is as important as they come. If there is any way not to be in contact with him at all… do it. Change your numbers, don’t answer any calls or emails, and most importantly DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM! He has decieved you into loving him. Those feeelings will pass with time.
If you ever need us, drop a note and we will be here.
Warm wishes and hugs,
LadyA