Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “wantmylifeback41.”
When I first met him, I felt I loved him before I even knew him. He is the total opposite of me— a short, stocky dark hair Italian with eyes that seemed to focus on my every word. He moved quickly with me, telling me God had sent him an angel and he couldn’t wait to begin a life with me. I was so drawn to his looks and him being so attentive on me, I fell for him quickly.
Daughters
He is nine years younger than me and told me of his abusive childhood from his mother. I felt the need to protect him. He had two daughters at the time who were around 5 and 6 (they are 12 and 13 now) that his mother had custody of. He told me his ex was on meth and had abandoned the girls; he was serving a short stint in jail at the time. He told me he had made up credit card numbers because he got bored and ironically they worked. I believed his story and didn’t know of his past run-ins with the law.
I thought it was strange: If his mother was abusive to him, why did she have them? He had an answer for that as well. He told me he signed the girls over to his mother so his ex wouldn’t run to Michigan with them and he did it to protect them.
Car and a home
He did not have a car either at the time, he told me his ex had taken everything he owned to Michigan and he had not caught up financially since getting out of jail. It was around income tax time and he asked me if I would be willing to help him get a car. Like a fool, I did, and right after that he moved in with me.
I should mention I am blessed to have a huge home that was a gift from my parents that is totally paid for! He said he loved my home; he had never had anything compared to it and he seemed to basically worship me and my children.
I had made it a point in the beginning of our relationship to tell him that I do not drink and do not like people to drink around me and especially my children. He told me he did not drink, but very occasionally. He did not have a cell phone either and I told him I could add him to my Verizon account and he could just help me pay the bill every month for his part. He seemed so happy that I had done that and he also cried big tears when we went and got him a car.
Life seemed complete
Six months went by and my life was so happy!! He held me and started working in the basement to make it his own. My life seemed complete and my kids were happy with him too. Their ages at the time were around 11 (son), 13 and 14 (daughters). He would cry at times and tell me that nobody his entire life loved him the way I did and he was complete.
I thought he would want his girls to move in with us, but he told me his mother would not let him see them…that she wanted total control of them and was trying to replace them because she did such a bad job raising him. Again, I believed him and felt so sorry for him.
Calls and texts to another woman
One day, I got a call from Verizon telling me my usage on the family plan was at its limit. I couldn’t understand why, so I logged into the Verizon account and found he had been talking to a certain number for about 15 hours and had sent this same number about 2000 texts. I tried to call the number and it went to a basic message that the caller wasn’t answering and leave a message.
I confronted him about it and he told me it was a man at his work that was having some problems. I believed him again, but then the number was still appearing. Finally I called the number from a different number than my own and it was a female. I talked to her and she said she did work with him and if I didn’t treat him like “shit” he wouldn’t need to talk to her!!! I was floored, so HURT!!! How could he have done this to me? We talked and yelled at each other, he even cried to my daughters that he was wrong and please convince me he would end it with her. I forgave him!!
Accused me!
After that, he confronted me about an email ”¦ before he and I got together, I was emailing, nothing more but emailing, a man on a certain site ”¦ He hacked into my computer and told me I was cheating on HIM!! I tried to explain to him that if he looked at the dates, they did not correspond to when he and I got together ”¦ it did not matter to him, I did not tell him about it, therefore I was a cheater. I asked him why he hacked in my computer and he said he knew I was a cheater!!!
Six months later, he left me for a woman he worked with and his first love he reunited with on Facebook. He completely moved out of the house ”¦ he told me he just couldn’t trust me any more because of the email!!!
Came begging back
He moved in with his mammaw and pappaw and stayed gone about two weeks ”¦ He came begging back and told me he would never bring up the emails again if I would just love him again. I was so in love with him ”¦ all I wanted was him back. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
I told him we should start the proceedings to get his girls and have a happy life. I wanted to marry him and show him how a wife loves her husband and his children. He still cried and told me how mean his mom was, and I hated her. I would not look the woman in the face because I blamed her for making him be the way he was.
Still married
When I started planning our wedding, he finally told me he couldn’t because he was still married to his ex ”¦ she had been gone by this time for about 5 years ”¦ I couldn’t believe it ”¦ I also found out he did not have a driver’s license, taken because of child support he said (later found out also a DUI).
Needless to say, I am stupid, so when we started the proceedings to get custody of his girls, he filed for divorce as well. His mother got very sick and he called her in the hospital ”¦ when he hung up, he ran out the door crying his eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mother told him she had not loved him since he was 10 years old. I cried my eyes out with him and this made me hate her even more ”¦ He was only trying to be a daddy and how dare she talk that way to him ”¦
More time went on and his divorce went through, the custody case was at a standstill for some reason, but anyway we planned a church wedding ”¦ he wanted to get married in front of God!! He rushed the wedding, said he couldn’t wait, and I planned a beautiful wedding in about a month. We were married April 21 of last year and oh how happy I was.
Another thing I realized…obsessing comes from not knowing. I have only obsessed because I have not been able to get answers. I probably won’t ever get answers. But knowledge stops obsessing.
Well said, Louise! Not knowing the truth and relying on disinformation is a nightmare. Gaslighting…
WantMyLifeBack41….!
I am signing on as I only rarely do, just to tell you that I said (ok, shrieked) those very words….in 2001. Still working at it but see light ahead. Since I started as an 8 I am now a skeletal 0 and at 60 my skin is ruined BUT! I know we’re always working at our potential Finish Line and when mine arrives, I want to be in the midst of moving toward something wonderful.
If you are 41 then I applaud you — and if you’re 91 instead, the same. It’s never too late, or too soon, to get the picture and decide to do something other than let somebody else destroy your life. From the rearview mirror, his “helplessness” looks a lot more like methodical calculation.
To everybody! – I have refiled the divorce and am planning to have the deal done by June 3 OF THIS YEAR (after 30 of them). Please pray for me that I don’t fall for The Usual and will instead follow through with what I concluded (only with the greatest of pain and reluctance) was the right path for us all.
The guilt of the children’s pain is enormous. If I thought it would be avoided by staying with him — even though you’d be mad at me when I reported that was my decision — in truth, I would.
But instead I think it’s like making them watch me get beat up, and how is that any better than just letting him sink — find another victim — or whatever? Naturally I am worried he’ll not leave me alone after the divorce is final but at least I will have that piece behind me, right?
WANT MY LIFE BACK 41! —
Ok, now I’ve read your story (sorry I got distracted by the just-right tenor of your posting name!) and want to say this to you, please.
Your love will co-exist with your other feelings for him.
You will find a place for it in your heart, along with the other dimensions of yourself, that make up who you Are and will be going forward. Someday when you are my age, you will hear young people talking about their men and your wisdom will tell you they’re headed for trouble, then that little tug will come at your heart and you will NEVER fail to associate it with him.
However, you will bear it.
You WILL!
And not by trying to beat it down — but by accepting that damaged people wound others, and while your own need to nurture him is what “struck a chord” in you to begin with, he has the need to destroy you.
This is terribly painful so it’s OK to feel terrible about it.
Also, his need to destroy you does not necessarily mean he never “loved” you. Rather, his destruction is an accompaniment to his relationships and the closer you get, the worse he looks.
Those who love you the most would probably say RUN! and KEEP RUNNING!
I would only add, carry your love along with you. As revelations continue into the future, you will either discover that you were a total creep of a partner — or never knew half what he was trying to put over (I’m betting on you). Either way, just hoist it up as you would the ton of emotional bricks that it is, don’t wait for your heart to catch up to your head, because (read this twice) your love is in YOU and has absolutely nothing at all to do with him, it’s a gift TO you from your OWN self. The fact he has no similar gift to give himself, is what makes him want to destroy you.
oh my coloradokathy…your post touched me!!I did love him with all my heart…every inch of me!! I suppose I will always wonder if somehow I could have perhaps “saved” him!! He is very smart with a super high IQ, but so dumb as well. He always told me if he couuld only get his girls back he would be complete, but now he is destroying their life as well. He lets them do anything they want and is drinking snd driving with them…of course he is blaming me for it all!!! He tells people the reason he left me is because I was mean to his girls…I have never been mean to anybody little alone a child!! it hurts me he makes me out to be evil, but there is nothing I can do except pray for them…One night I told him I hope his kids never have to see him…the real him…as my kids had to for years! He looked at his 12 year old and said, “have you ever saw me drink”? The 12 yr old replied, “no”…he said…she the bi*#ch is lying to you!! Mind you now he hadn’t had custody in 7 yrs and had not seen them in one year until he got custody back….Now they see him drink and even takes them to liquor store with him but he tells them I drove him to drinking! I know they must be confused…I see him on a down hill spiral out of control and a very sick man!!!I do not want him to come back to my home period!!! I do fear he may try to break in and take my things though for drug money!! His mom told me he and his ex…that hes with now, which is the kids mom…..would pose as Jehovahs witness and knock on doors…if nobody home they would break in!!!!
I am such a dog lover that I hope you either have, or will get, a canine companion to increase your safety and well-being at the same time. I don’t think an alarm system is too terribly much if you think he might retaliate (and hey, the alarm company window sticker is probably even cheaper).
My heart sinks also, for the innocent children’s hearts. My husband makes no pretense, now that the kids are old enough to be one of the “ladies” in his porn movies and magazines, of being their father. Sometimes they play Victim and sometimes Accomplice, both involuntarily, but their roles are never healthy or sane. His mental instability is so disorienting to our older daughter, 28, that my concerns about her have overshadowed my experience with him. This is as it should be: she’s a wonderful person, has a job, and doesn’t hurt other people or set them up for disaster.
Doubtless both men will find other victims.
You’re blessed to have so many family members in your life! Their support is invaluable, I’m sure you know. I tried to score Daddy for my kids, feel badly (!!) that they ended up with Rent A Dad instead.
Hi Tea Light, Louise and Blossom,
The comments about the weight have made me think about how much this whole exp. messed with my weight…a clue, right?…that our relationship was internally disruptive. Red Flag(RF) !! I lost weight I did not need to lose in early months of being with him RF LOL, gained weight during months he was triangulating me with OW RF!!!, lost alot more weight during last months together, while I struggled with decision to leave, bright-RF’s LOL, lost alot-alot of weight during months I was stilling seeing him after it was technically over burning-RF!!! LOL
I have a tendency to use food as numbing agent-drug, when the balance in my life is off kilter. He is not responsible for that fact, but my unstable nutrition throughout this relationship was definitely a clue that he was not good for my well-being.
Had good news yesterday, finally took step for STD tests…the biggy, AIDS, came back negative. I cried from releif. Other results in next 2 weeks.
On main topic, “what I wanted to hear”…. I realize that he told me exactly what the little girl inside me always wanted to hear, that I was pretty, valuable, smart and deeply spiritual. He appealed to my ego (my ego responded by inflation over time, with emptiness)…I gave so much of self to him, submitted to his will…because he fed me cookies of praise and worth.
Growing in my head and heart…I can see that when a man tells me he thinks I am wonderful, that he loves me…and this is immediately followed by requests to violate my well-being and dishonor myself…something is amiss. Cannot afford to be asleep at the wheel of my life again.
Hugs and Peace to all,
Blue
Blue,
I’m so glad that your ‘big’ test came back negative!We need all the relief we can get!
I understand about food being a numbing agent or ‘comfort food’.I don’t eat alot,but I do enjoy different tastes.Unfortunately,I don’t cook alot since that’s alot to do for 1 person.I need to exercise more.I wish I had the health to work out!
We lost so much of ourselves to spaths that it left us in utter confusion.It will take us awhile to find ourselves again.But that journey is pleasant compared to journey with spath!
I know you must feel so hurt and betrayed more than anything else. I also am going through something very similar and my god at times I think I may be going insane for the simple fact that I still love him with all hart knowing he has caused me so much pain mentally and physically. He also told me what I wanted to hear and I like you believed almost every word he said. I tried doing whatever it took to make him love me “just me” but it didn’t work that way he had many other women (trashy) lots of lies and so much more. Now he is gone and as horrible it may sound I miss him very much but I try keeping myself strong and I pray I don’t fall again into his trap. You have to stay strong and not give in. Be patient and just pray on it you deserve to be happy. Good Luck!!!
i know exactly how you feel Millie. I made the stupid mistake of looking at pics of us last night..I wish to God I could stop loving him. I hate what he has done to me..Sometimes I think this is worse than a death..I lost my precious bbrother in a tragic car accident and that was very hard on me, but this is a different pain.. I just want to feel normal again.
Wantmylifeback41:
You actually got 6 months out of your S before he started his bad behavior? Girl, you win the prize. As most people on this site will swear, a bell seems to go off in their heads and the bad behavior begins at month 3.
Seriously, though, I really feel for you. I’m gay, but my S-ex (sociopathic ex, since there’s no such creature as an ex-S) was cut from the same cloth as yours. Only mine, so I discovered at month 3, had just been released from prison when I met him 3 months earlier. But, he had his hooks in me and I was determined to help him. A lost cause as we all know from bitter experience.
When I logged onto this site and posted my story in December 2008 I didn’t know which end was up. The folks here and the archives really helped me to get a grip on my life. I encourage you to read, read, read. Not only is knowledge is power, but, you’ll learn that we’re all sitting in the same church, even though we’re sometimes in different pews because of our individual experience, but, male or female, gay or straight,we’ve all been through exactly what you’ve been through.
You’ve come to a place of healing. And yes, it does get better. After the S-ex turned my life upside down, and then going through a year of unemployment, I really did meet someone great (we’ve now been together 4 years) and I got a great job and my life really did come together. It was a hell of trip, but I can truthfully say that at the age of 51 I finally began to grow up and like where my life is today.
Well, almost, with one exception. I haven’t been on this site recdently. About 2 months ago my retina, macula and blood vessels detached from one of my eyes. It has been a rough trip, but I’m finally regaining the vision in my eye. I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on my worst enemy. Okay, okay, let me qualify that. I would wish it on my S-ex. But, that’s a story for another day.
I think you misunderstood my post, the first 6 months of 5 years was the only time I feel he was truthful and loyal, but now I doubt that..I was just dumb enough to believe him…believed he would change because I had not seen a strsngr number on the phonr log…I just did not know he had a secret phone.
Hi, WantMyLifeBack! I think Matt was just trying to add a light note in the fog, by quipping that your six months was twice as much pretend time as most of us got (even though none of us actually got anything), lol.
In truth, none of us will ever really know, will we?–what was “felt,” if anything, and if it was mutually hopeful and authentic at the beginning or always a setup for disaster.
My personal perspective is that my husband would have liked to see life through as a normal person, and struggles with his condition. Not hard, mind you!! just enough to feel sorry for himself at the level of battle, give up, and fall right back in.