Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “wantmylifeback41.”
When I first met him, I felt I loved him before I even knew him. He is the total opposite of me— a short, stocky dark hair Italian with eyes that seemed to focus on my every word. He moved quickly with me, telling me God had sent him an angel and he couldn’t wait to begin a life with me. I was so drawn to his looks and him being so attentive on me, I fell for him quickly.
Daughters
He is nine years younger than me and told me of his abusive childhood from his mother. I felt the need to protect him. He had two daughters at the time who were around 5 and 6 (they are 12 and 13 now) that his mother had custody of. He told me his ex was on meth and had abandoned the girls; he was serving a short stint in jail at the time. He told me he had made up credit card numbers because he got bored and ironically they worked. I believed his story and didn’t know of his past run-ins with the law.
I thought it was strange: If his mother was abusive to him, why did she have them? He had an answer for that as well. He told me he signed the girls over to his mother so his ex wouldn’t run to Michigan with them and he did it to protect them.
Car and a home
He did not have a car either at the time, he told me his ex had taken everything he owned to Michigan and he had not caught up financially since getting out of jail. It was around income tax time and he asked me if I would be willing to help him get a car. Like a fool, I did, and right after that he moved in with me.
I should mention I am blessed to have a huge home that was a gift from my parents that is totally paid for! He said he loved my home; he had never had anything compared to it and he seemed to basically worship me and my children.
I had made it a point in the beginning of our relationship to tell him that I do not drink and do not like people to drink around me and especially my children. He told me he did not drink, but very occasionally. He did not have a cell phone either and I told him I could add him to my Verizon account and he could just help me pay the bill every month for his part. He seemed so happy that I had done that and he also cried big tears when we went and got him a car.
Life seemed complete
Six months went by and my life was so happy!! He held me and started working in the basement to make it his own. My life seemed complete and my kids were happy with him too. Their ages at the time were around 11 (son), 13 and 14 (daughters). He would cry at times and tell me that nobody his entire life loved him the way I did and he was complete.
I thought he would want his girls to move in with us, but he told me his mother would not let him see them…that she wanted total control of them and was trying to replace them because she did such a bad job raising him. Again, I believed him and felt so sorry for him.
Calls and texts to another woman
One day, I got a call from Verizon telling me my usage on the family plan was at its limit. I couldn’t understand why, so I logged into the Verizon account and found he had been talking to a certain number for about 15 hours and had sent this same number about 2000 texts. I tried to call the number and it went to a basic message that the caller wasn’t answering and leave a message.
I confronted him about it and he told me it was a man at his work that was having some problems. I believed him again, but then the number was still appearing. Finally I called the number from a different number than my own and it was a female. I talked to her and she said she did work with him and if I didn’t treat him like “shit” he wouldn’t need to talk to her!!! I was floored, so HURT!!! How could he have done this to me? We talked and yelled at each other, he even cried to my daughters that he was wrong and please convince me he would end it with her. I forgave him!!
Accused me!
After that, he confronted me about an email ”¦ before he and I got together, I was emailing, nothing more but emailing, a man on a certain site ”¦ He hacked into my computer and told me I was cheating on HIM!! I tried to explain to him that if he looked at the dates, they did not correspond to when he and I got together ”¦ it did not matter to him, I did not tell him about it, therefore I was a cheater. I asked him why he hacked in my computer and he said he knew I was a cheater!!!
Six months later, he left me for a woman he worked with and his first love he reunited with on Facebook. He completely moved out of the house ”¦ he told me he just couldn’t trust me any more because of the email!!!
Came begging back
He moved in with his mammaw and pappaw and stayed gone about two weeks ”¦ He came begging back and told me he would never bring up the emails again if I would just love him again. I was so in love with him ”¦ all I wanted was him back. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
I told him we should start the proceedings to get his girls and have a happy life. I wanted to marry him and show him how a wife loves her husband and his children. He still cried and told me how mean his mom was, and I hated her. I would not look the woman in the face because I blamed her for making him be the way he was.
Still married
When I started planning our wedding, he finally told me he couldn’t because he was still married to his ex ”¦ she had been gone by this time for about 5 years ”¦ I couldn’t believe it ”¦ I also found out he did not have a driver’s license, taken because of child support he said (later found out also a DUI).
Needless to say, I am stupid, so when we started the proceedings to get custody of his girls, he filed for divorce as well. His mother got very sick and he called her in the hospital ”¦ when he hung up, he ran out the door crying his eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mother told him she had not loved him since he was 10 years old. I cried my eyes out with him and this made me hate her even more ”¦ He was only trying to be a daddy and how dare she talk that way to him ”¦
More time went on and his divorce went through, the custody case was at a standstill for some reason, but anyway we planned a church wedding ”¦ he wanted to get married in front of God!! He rushed the wedding, said he couldn’t wait, and I planned a beautiful wedding in about a month. We were married April 21 of last year and oh how happy I was.
Hi,wantmylifeback, thanks for sharing your terrible story.. BTW, your name is so apt, almost every victim of these snakes just wants their life back, because they do so much damage….with my P also whore, prostitute, slut, bastard, castrated pig, witch etc were routine responses to any questions that did not suit him or even in response to envy if I was working well professionally.. I too had become numb to these, and actually expected these in any conversation with him.. he also spat at me if I caught him at his lies.. he also accused me of cheating on him with EVERY colleague/ senior/ teacher/ co-worker ruining my professional life completely while he himself was actually sleeping with a married student 17 years his junior.. I had to get the torrid affair investigated because he denied it all and in fact was violent with me when I asked him anything about it, threatening to beat me with the sliippers he picked up for same or bringing his fist close to my face and daring me to call the police…and yes, mine also made 2400 calls to his GF over 5 months, most of them throughout the night starting at 11 pm going on till 3 am; LOTS of messages (text and pictures) throughout the day and night) while claiming to be so busy he had no time to make a courtesy call to my mother who had undergone a major abdominal surgery despite multiple requests from me…
Same church, different pews. Thanks for that Matt.
Hi everyone, Hi oxy,
I spoke to Oxy last night and wanted to share with the group.
for those of you who know my story – I am now in Boston for a medical meeting and I met the jerk after nearly 1 year of NC except for some work emails.
Here I found out that he is now seeing a woma,n long distance relationship thing. the woman is a divorcee with a 6 year old child and lives in LAtin America. he lives way up North in USA.
anyway, I saw the girl’s photo on his handphone, he said it is friend whom he knows for 16 months.
My question is – though I know he is evil and a jerk, why is it that I still felt numb knowing he found someone else and the doors for me had closed.
not that I an interested in being with him, but knowing that he has someone else now, gave me a heartache. is it becoz I will miss his lovebombing, is it becoz he is giving all his lovesick angel business talk to her and I feel put aside.
I know this is not normal, I should not feel this way, he is a devil, I should be happy to get rid of him.
Oxy gave me the same advice yesterday. Just sharing with the group, to get more confidence.
the jerk even asked me if I wanted to go on a vacation with him in July after another meeting and I blew him off by saying – “you are attached now – why do you want to hurt everyone involved” he said _ “I am sorry, I did not realise all these ramifications when I asked you”.
I think he was trying to get away with it, becoz, if I had not see her photo on his phone, he could have pulled the crap on me that he has pined for me for 18 months and may have tried to suck me in, while still keep the Latino flame burning.
agree ??
thank you so much
Petite.
I also came so used to be called a c*#t I expected it. When I caught him doing his evil deeds, he would turn it on me and accuse me.I told him repeatedly I would never have hurt him the way he hurt me!!! I had a horrible day missing him…not that I know he is sick, but hearing him call me “babylady”….he is gorgeous and I could just look at him…I feel so twisted because I should literally hate him!! I try to just remember him spitting in my face and how degrading it is!! I wish I could erase my mind from him. I have to remember he likes “trash” and I am not!!!
Petite, that is why NC is SO important. When we see them we give them another chance to hurt us.
You had no choice as you were at an international professional conference and since you and he are in the same profession and will from time to time be at the SAME ones.
He cheated on his wife, even giving her an STD, but “it was HER FAULT” of course that he had to seek sex outside of marriage because she wasn’t a sexy wife.
Your jerk reminds me of my x BF who was a serial cheat after he married, and wanted to continue the “friends with sexual benefits” with every girlfriend he had had…
Since you are FORCED by professional situation to see him from time to time at conferences, my suggestion is to be MINIMALLY POLITE (gray rock, not showing any emotion) in PUBLIC, but if he calls you hang up, or if he traps you somewhere, like an elevator or whatever to talk to you privately, just tell him that “If you don’t leave me alone, I will cause you such a public scene and humiliation that you will totally regret it” I think he will BELIEVE this. I know you would never do such a public thing, but AS LONG AS HE BELIEVES YOU WOULD then he will leave you alone because I sincerely doubt that he would want to be publicly exposed in front of his international peers.
Remember now, Petite, that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU. Your feelings are normal and natural about him having another relationship, but keep in mind, he cheated on his wife many many times and he has already shown that he is cheating on this new girl. He will never never be loyal or faithful to any woman.
The feelings you are experiencing now will pass, and eventually you will come to the nirvana of indifference to him. So hang in there and keep as LITTLE contact as possible with him. (((hugs)))
Oxy,
It’s so good to see you! I’ve missed you! How are you doing?
Hi everyone! Its so nice to have this forum to support each other! I wish I would have come across it a few months ago! Just getting over a heartbreak :(. My gut said his words were lies, actions DEFINITELY didn’t follow “I want to be exclusive”, yet there he is back on the dating website, I went to take my profile down. I liked this guy, so it was TOUGH to end, but this is how I got thru. This is the 1st time I actually deleted a guys info! Last time we texted, he didn’t ask about me, I felt like I was just making him laugh. WE ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT & THERE ARE A TON OF OTHER GUYS OUT THERE!! Just take a break, when u r vulnerable, creeps come in!! So, here’s my best advice! From the Dr…
Delete ALL INFO & PICS! EVERY TIME U SEE A PICTURE, U WILL GET SET BACK!! CHANGE their name to “ruined my life” or “I will cry” on phone, so u won’t answer or be tempted. NEVER ignore ur gut! Be a detective, if they get mad, too bad! Don’t invade privacy, but if u have a bad feeling, its there for a reason! Single is better than hell!!
When your mind is spinning about wanting them back, make a pro/con list. (Man, my guy was DONE!!). Also an easier way to work out problems.
1) what would you tell a friend to do?
2) weigh the costs/benefits: what are the absolute worst outcomes and what are the absolute best outcomes of taking them back(next)? (BTW, sociopaths will DESTROY YOUR CHILDRENS LIVES AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM FOREVER!! TRUST ME!! Is it worth it over an asshole? When there are nice guys waiting?) And all the outcomes in between?
3) What is an alternate perspective? What is the best case scenario?
THIS IS INFO ON THE BF U HAVE TO AVOID. U DELETED AND REASONS WHY. PIC OF HOW TO MOVE ON!
He is texting my daughter telling her he will love me til his last breath and telling her he knows he needs help. She is 19 and telling him just like it is, but still doing it.It kills me he says he is so in love with me!!! Its not me he misses, its his lifestyle with me.His security!
wantmylifeback,
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!
Keep the door shut want and keep the wolf out. If he keeps harassing your daughter get an RO he is a predator. Get your life back!!