Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “wantmylifeback41.”
When I first met him, I felt I loved him before I even knew him. He is the total opposite of me— a short, stocky dark hair Italian with eyes that seemed to focus on my every word. He moved quickly with me, telling me God had sent him an angel and he couldn’t wait to begin a life with me. I was so drawn to his looks and him being so attentive on me, I fell for him quickly.
Daughters
He is nine years younger than me and told me of his abusive childhood from his mother. I felt the need to protect him. He had two daughters at the time who were around 5 and 6 (they are 12 and 13 now) that his mother had custody of. He told me his ex was on meth and had abandoned the girls; he was serving a short stint in jail at the time. He told me he had made up credit card numbers because he got bored and ironically they worked. I believed his story and didn’t know of his past run-ins with the law.
I thought it was strange: If his mother was abusive to him, why did she have them? He had an answer for that as well. He told me he signed the girls over to his mother so his ex wouldn’t run to Michigan with them and he did it to protect them.
Car and a home
He did not have a car either at the time, he told me his ex had taken everything he owned to Michigan and he had not caught up financially since getting out of jail. It was around income tax time and he asked me if I would be willing to help him get a car. Like a fool, I did, and right after that he moved in with me.
I should mention I am blessed to have a huge home that was a gift from my parents that is totally paid for! He said he loved my home; he had never had anything compared to it and he seemed to basically worship me and my children.
I had made it a point in the beginning of our relationship to tell him that I do not drink and do not like people to drink around me and especially my children. He told me he did not drink, but very occasionally. He did not have a cell phone either and I told him I could add him to my Verizon account and he could just help me pay the bill every month for his part. He seemed so happy that I had done that and he also cried big tears when we went and got him a car.
Life seemed complete
Six months went by and my life was so happy!! He held me and started working in the basement to make it his own. My life seemed complete and my kids were happy with him too. Their ages at the time were around 11 (son), 13 and 14 (daughters). He would cry at times and tell me that nobody his entire life loved him the way I did and he was complete.
I thought he would want his girls to move in with us, but he told me his mother would not let him see them…that she wanted total control of them and was trying to replace them because she did such a bad job raising him. Again, I believed him and felt so sorry for him.
Calls and texts to another woman
One day, I got a call from Verizon telling me my usage on the family plan was at its limit. I couldn’t understand why, so I logged into the Verizon account and found he had been talking to a certain number for about 15 hours and had sent this same number about 2000 texts. I tried to call the number and it went to a basic message that the caller wasn’t answering and leave a message.
I confronted him about it and he told me it was a man at his work that was having some problems. I believed him again, but then the number was still appearing. Finally I called the number from a different number than my own and it was a female. I talked to her and she said she did work with him and if I didn’t treat him like “shit” he wouldn’t need to talk to her!!! I was floored, so HURT!!! How could he have done this to me? We talked and yelled at each other, he even cried to my daughters that he was wrong and please convince me he would end it with her. I forgave him!!
Accused me!
After that, he confronted me about an email ”¦ before he and I got together, I was emailing, nothing more but emailing, a man on a certain site ”¦ He hacked into my computer and told me I was cheating on HIM!! I tried to explain to him that if he looked at the dates, they did not correspond to when he and I got together ”¦ it did not matter to him, I did not tell him about it, therefore I was a cheater. I asked him why he hacked in my computer and he said he knew I was a cheater!!!
Six months later, he left me for a woman he worked with and his first love he reunited with on Facebook. He completely moved out of the house ”¦ he told me he just couldn’t trust me any more because of the email!!!
Came begging back
He moved in with his mammaw and pappaw and stayed gone about two weeks ”¦ He came begging back and told me he would never bring up the emails again if I would just love him again. I was so in love with him ”¦ all I wanted was him back. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear.
I told him we should start the proceedings to get his girls and have a happy life. I wanted to marry him and show him how a wife loves her husband and his children. He still cried and told me how mean his mom was, and I hated her. I would not look the woman in the face because I blamed her for making him be the way he was.
Still married
When I started planning our wedding, he finally told me he couldn’t because he was still married to his ex ”¦ she had been gone by this time for about 5 years ”¦ I couldn’t believe it ”¦ I also found out he did not have a driver’s license, taken because of child support he said (later found out also a DUI).
Needless to say, I am stupid, so when we started the proceedings to get custody of his girls, he filed for divorce as well. His mother got very sick and he called her in the hospital ”¦ when he hung up, he ran out the door crying his eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and he said his mother told him she had not loved him since he was 10 years old. I cried my eyes out with him and this made me hate her even more ”¦ He was only trying to be a daddy and how dare she talk that way to him ”¦
More time went on and his divorce went through, the custody case was at a standstill for some reason, but anyway we planned a church wedding ”¦ he wanted to get married in front of God!! He rushed the wedding, said he couldn’t wait, and I planned a beautiful wedding in about a month. We were married April 21 of last year and oh how happy I was.
wantmylifeback …..im so sorry to see all you have gone through…..it is worse than a death because if someone dies we can grieve their loss and in time heal and move on…..but with a relationship ending especially one with a sociopath is not a normal breakup…..its a traumatic event …..and we dont get to move on quiet so easily unless we can get them out of our lives and our heads …….
sometimes you just have to get to the place of letting go in your head and thats the place where you move on…..it doesnt mean you dont love them but it means your not willing to be treated badly anymore ……letting go of someone you love isnt easy but think of how much he has hurt you and deceived you…….do you want to feel like that again…do you want to be abused that way……you dont deserve that….dont have any contact with him and in time it will get easier.
i pray you will have the strength to let go……and it only comes when your ready.
Dealing with still being in love with the sociopath… Well, it’s not that uncommon. This guy was everything you ever wanted in a partner. There was an empty space in your life and he filled it perfectly and completely. The downside is that the person you fell in love with is not a real person. The person you fell in love with is a character played by a very talented actor. It’s like falling in love with Luke Skywalker. He’s handsome, he’s noble, he’s brave. he’s overcome many, many difficulties – and he’s not a real person. Keep reminding yourself of this. I also still love the man I believed my sociopath to be – but I realize that that person is not who he really is and that I don’t even like the person that he really is. For me, making that distinction between the character he portrayed and the person he really is has helped me enormously in healing. Hugs to you.
I am just finishing a book called, “Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist.” It has been quite helpful. I don’t consider myself in love with the spath. I would miss whatever it is that I am drawn to that is bad for me I think…for a while. I guess that makes me either lucky or numb. The book has a LOT in it about reality versus fantasy. I could relate to 90% of the book and how they described their nonsense. I have to say, reading it made me feel more love for me and a lot less of whatever it is I feel for him.
Missing IT???? I’ve come to realize that I don’t miss Spathx. I miss him like the ” good times” I had when drinking.
He is Nothing real, all lies, therefore nothing to miss. He is dog sh-t I’m wiping off my shoe, and trying to get out of the carpet of my home. A pathetic piece of sh-t. A disgusting rapist who uses lies and manipulation to overcome his victim.
I could never love ANYONE who does what he does to get what he wants from someone with NO regard for their well being on any level. For me to love ANYone I would have to respect them and I have no respect for a low level lying rapist user. None.
Some are much more charming for longer periods of time than others. I can understand if someone is missing some of that charm even if I can’t find much.
standingstrong,
i absolutely loved what you wrote….can relate to every word….you truely hit the nail on the head.when you said………………
The downside is that the person you fell in love with is not a real person. The person you fell in love with is a character played by a very talented actor……………
along time ago i fell in love with a dream……the perfect person i waited so long for……….but they were not who they potraited…..they were yes playing a part………..it was an illusion on my part……..i saw and believed what i wanted to and what they wanted me to……… the curtain has closed on that part of my life………now i see like you said them for what they are and i cant believe what has happened to my life……….
i was thinking about that tonight……..if i had met them and they had told me this is what is going to happen to you in a relationship with me….im going to lie to you,deceive you,manipulate you,take everything from you even your dreams and destroy them and rob from you and your famIly,ripe your heart out and then stuff it back into your chest and you will fight for your life and fight to ever trust anyone again,you will suffer with severe depression and think about taking your own life every day because it will seem easier than dealing with the pain of what i did to you…..and you will destroy yourself through self harm and struggle to control the tears and rage due to the hurt………and you will struggle in darkness and fight to get your life back and i will be laughing at you and your misfortune and i will continue to try to use you untill you finally figure me out and walk away……..
so i think to myself if they had told me this would i have gotten involved with them and spent 16 years of my life living an act…..NO WAY.
Fight……oh, he’s charming alright. Once I realized he’s a manipulative rapist……it kind of canceled out every ounce of “charm”.
Lifting the veil……..that was an unbelievably written summary. Very well put. I’m going to copy and keep that one!
I’m so sorry…..I understand. The horror is indescribable. I feel your pain.
lifting the veil,
I was also impressed by your post;though sorry for the pain you’ve suffered.Sometime into my marriage,I realized that I wasn’t in love with my husband.I had been “in love with the idea of being in love”.My husband had presented a lie,and I did love what he presented of himself.He seemed to be a caring and spiritual person;funny and romantic.Funny(not really!)how all that changes with marriage!
and he told his co-workers and family exactly what they needed to hear and see to justify getting rid of that goldigger that used him like a ATM machine.
I hope that someday I’ll be able to get him out of my mind.
After the divorce he “accidentally” deposited 100, into my account on Dec. 28th we had at the same bank. I transferred it back on the 3rd of Jan. At the end of the year I got a letter from the IRS that I had under reported my income by 100, of alimony. I called the accountant that he had for 15 yrs and explained. He said I better pay up because you don’t want to mess around with the IRS. We filed an amended return. My ex paid 25,for the taxes. His new girl friends, co-workers, and relatives were told that he was broke because I was a greedy gold digging bitch and he had the papers to prove it. Including the extra check for 25,just to get rid of me.
He also purchased a high end luxury car in my name (because he had his license suspended for 2 years) and told his peers that I was recklessly spending his money. They agreed that I need to be locked up or disposed of and the car titled in his name immediately (I still drive my pre-marital old car that has 280,miles on it)
I went to the emergency room after being beaten up and nearly killed, however, he claimed he was the battered husband when he filed for a restraining order and divorce. He acted surprised when my lawyer threatened with defamation.
20/20 recently had a segment on Michael Brown. I think he is an addict. Law and Order had a show on a sp boy by the name of Henry it was so realistic it made my blood curl.
I have some very good days and sometimes I have flashbacks. Thanks LF for being there.