Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
DEar Justus5,
Yea, it would be “nice” really if we could be children forever and have someone to be responsible for us and our welfare and we never had to make any decisions etc….well, come to think of it, NAH, IT WOULD NOT BE “WONDERFUL”—ACTUALLY I LIKE BEING A GROWN UP. But with being a grown up and getting to run my own life, I also have the RESPONSIBILITY of providing for myself and getting the consequences of my own life decisions…
Oxy
Yeah, I understand that mentally but emotionally I struggle. I have been the responsible one all my life then I faulter so bad emotionally
and wind up taking the responsibilty of the P or N. I suppose I need to take more responsibility concerning my emotions.
Justus5,
I think many of “us” are HYPER-RESPONSIBLE…hard working, care giving, loving, sharing, but it ends up that we ENABLE them to be IRRESPONSIBLE, lazy, care TAKING, hateful and stingy and still “get by” and then BLAME US when our giving isn’t up to their expectations. LOL By letting us DO for them, someone how what we DO is never good enough, or enough so we TRY EVEN HARDER to please them. How sick is THAT? Well, I am no longer so narcissistic that I think I can ever come up to their “expectations”—so I have quit trying to please others and started to please and take care of and be responsible for MYSELF and let them be responsible for themselves, that way if they don’t like how things are turning out for them, it isn’t my problem. LOL or as “Dr. Phil ” says, “how is that working out for you?”
Justus,
good for you, on not answering to his stupid emergency. He probably caused it on purpose just because he needed the drama.
My spath actually wrecked my car on purpose when I was 18. He told me he did it on purpose. We were both in my MG and he was driving. An oncoming car took a turn in front of him and spath didn’t stop in time. It wasn’t a very bad wreck, but spath said he did it so the insurance company would have to pay. He wanted fix the car himself and have me pay him. I didn’t know what to think at that point. I thought that he was just embarrassed because he was a bad driver and that’s why he said that.
Now I know what he is, I actually believe that he did do it on purpose because he envied my car. I let him fix it and he did a crappy job. the car was never the same.
Oxy
That is exactly what I did for over 20 years…try harder and harder, to the verge of insanity. It was actually a relief and a release to finally come to an understanding that “I” had a problem, I was sick for trying so hard. “Our” counsler said to me, when I was whinning about him not have a problem with somethng or another, “Then whose problem is it.” A light bulb went off in my head and I answered, straight forward, without any emotions, “Mine”. That is really where my journey started towards freedom. Oddly enough I thought to myself, “What IS my problem? HIM.” Then I started to try to figure out what about him caused me to have problem. “Our” counsler use to always say that to me too, “how’s that working for you.” It is the simplest things that can put us on the right track.
Sklar
I don’t know if the accident was on purpose but he sure was trying to use it to see if he could still “hook” me. Come on a big rig hits a 150-200 deer? It’s like a human smacking a fly. Remember his e-mail did not say he hit a deer, it said, “I was in an accident, I need you to call me.” UGH.
Funny how you said you thought yours was embarrassed over the accident so he said he did it on purpose. How many times mine did something off the wall, told the TRUTH about WHY he did it, or perhaps gave no explanation and I excused his actions (and dismissed his words) because “I” knew better, of course he had to just be embarrassed…HA
Hi Everyone,
I know it has been a long time since I posted but I saw some posts of people wondering what had happened to me so thought I would respond.
I have been with my boyfriend (who I mentioned in one of my comments)for almost three years now and have had zero contact with the girl who pretended to be a guy.
I cant honestly say that I have forgotten about that experience but I can look back on it now and see the major red flags and how naive I was.
I have moved on with my life, but that experience will always be a part of my life. I have been watching the program catfish (on MTV) which shows that I am not the only one to have experienced this!
I do wonder if she is still doing, and to be honest she probably is.
BUT I am happy, I am loved and in a very happy, healthy relationship and I truly couldn’t ask for more than that!
Janine x
This is one of the most interesting articles I have read. It really shows that any relationship with a sociopath is a delusion!!
This story just puts it in a different way.
I will see the ex on Thursday in court. I feel strong and am praying to be stronger!
Oh wow! This just shows the power a sociopath has in autonomity!Spath and I corresponded through letter writing and I fell in love with his voice.He was from the North.I was from the South.
I fell madly in love with my Sociopath via texts and e mails and brief phone calls for 8 months. I did see him three months before this and he was horrible! He left town for “training” ( 8 months of driving school at age 45,46,48 don’t know his real age or true name ) I broke contact for one month in where I rekindled my marriage I was destroying for this evil man.
After his calculated 3 or 4 week “breaks” ( it soon became a pattern ) he re appeared in my life via e mail. But it was in a was that looked like it “wasn’t him coming back” ( he claimed a friend emailed my husband from his account)
I was furious! But it was bait for me to call. And begin the next 8 month long distance text , e mail relationship. He claimed to be bettering himself. He claimed to love me and wanted to marry me and for me to divorce and have us a place to live when he returned. I held on ( finding out lies as well as that he was a sociopath) I thought if I love him enough and learned how he wanted me to act ( his huge claim that I didn’t act right to him) then I could fix him. 56 times we broke it off. Sometimes three times in a day.
Yet I could never be without him. I always contacted him after a well justified break . And as long as it was atleast two weeks later he forgave me . Taking no responsibility for him doing wrong.
I always thought he was justified in seeing other women. I was still married. But he claimed to have had non love INTREST just sexual relations ( he had his needs he would say) and I let him.
During the waiting period I tried to look perfect by working out constantly. Getting Botox lip injections. I even changed my hair color. All with. The hope when he came back he would love me and never be mean again.
He didn’t ask for money. ( I’m sure because he was leaching and living off other women) he just insisted. Was “ready” when he returned. After 8 months of this off on fantasy relationship he had driven my nerves into he ground.
I broke it off for two months. The longest. I thought surely he was never comeing back. I tried to mend my life. It had turned to complete ” crazy” he affected every choice every action from afar! And then on a huge holiday. He came back without warning. I found out through a post he made.
I immediately contacted him. I believed if everything we went through without seeing each other was true . Than surely once he saw me and how I changed he would love me face to face!
I ran straight to him!
He had only been in town a day. And when I saw him he looked like someone I didn’t know. He changed too, but in an odd way. It truly wasn’t “him” but I made the best out of it as we spent the night catching up. He professed love and marriage again. And him much I had improved!
I was drunk with love. And the next day when I picked him up , he changed his entire appearance ! He looked exactly the way he did 8 months prior! It didn’t sit right I did seem he was someone else then with one day exactly he man I fell for!
I was given stories and lies for the next weeks to follow. Lies that I pieced together. And I even drove him across country “to get his stuff” ( not knowing it was to his immediate girlfriend who was out of town) and as I had to leave to come back home without him, it was to file my divorce get my things and hen a tragiaty of a death in my family was going to keep me from returning immediately. ( he was so understanding , but insisting I get everything done in spite of the horrible tragedy)
I was trying to grieve and still get to him. But he turned into the same monster yet worse he was before he left! He sabotaged me from returning. But blamed me . He went as far as to text me ” I love you hurry back” then two min later my husband got a text ” haha she is my dog! Have fun at the funeral! She is leaving you, do you want me to help YOU IN COURT AGAINST HER!”
By the grace of God I have a strong husband that was well educated enough to know this “Sociopath pattern” and my husband knew he had a trance over me. ( does not excuse my actions, but it was like a spell)
He compared his texts with mine.
The Sociopath was just playing a horrible game. After I spent a week straight taking care of his every need. ( him knowing all the time he was just using me)
He has no “Real” him!
I was torn for months. Just to entertain his love and an apology from him ONE MORE TIME! ( he had lost his live n girlfriend n I’m guessing I was his back up) and why not! I forgave him always before .
I saw this man one last time. ( he did not believe I would see him ) even he as surprised I was that stupid!
I spent one night less than 24 hrs with him and it hit me like a Ton of bricks! I was a pawn.
I just left. Did not say goodbye.
I remained no contact for months! Until one very heated argue met came over the phone. I had nothing but hatred for this stranger!
I rekindled my marriage ( I thank God he never let me go)
As for the Sociopath, I found out so many lies! And he immediately found another woman to live with and get engaged to within months!
Sociopaths are the masters of cons! They learn us and turn into our fantasy. Then once they have us. They discard us.
Or the truth comes out ! I will forever feel used and conned. And yes heartbroken over a man that was not at all who he claimed to be!
Working through the betrayal every day!
Wouldn’t working through your betrayal to husband be infinitely more pertinent and productive?
The more and more I read these stories, the more and more I realize I was married to a sociopath. I am only 25. I got married at 22. I went through pure hell the past year. I had guys break my heart before, but this time it was sooooo much different. Dealing with a sociopath is unlike anything else. Only other people who have had the unpleasant experience of being involved with a sociopath understand. I hate when my friends and family try to compare my situation to heartbreak they have had in the past or when they tell me to just move on. People who have never been with a sociopath don’t understand that long after you are over the person, the situation still haunts you and as much as you want to move on and as much as you try, you are broken.
Melrosegirl – Welcome to Lovefraud. Yes, these experiences are far more painful than “regular” relationship breakups. But recovery is possible.
I encourage you to read the many articles on Lovefraud dedicated to recovery. Have no contact with your “husband,” and decide that you will recover. It will take time, but you can do it.