REGISTER | LOGIN
By | April 21, 2010 132 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.”

It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.

From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.

We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet ”¦ he stood me up ”¦ now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.

Stood me up again

He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.

He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.

We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.

Met his friend

In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present over. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.

This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.

Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.

This girl then came out a couple of times, both time with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.

Paranoia set in

By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.

My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt he was like really? Oh probably because we grew up together.

So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.

He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.

Googled his friend

So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.

So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.

He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.

Don’t know what to believe

I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.

I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?

I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but i really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.

He was my best friend, i spoke to him daily and now I don’t know what to do.


132
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Ox Drover

Dear Janine,

I am so sorry that this happened to you, and that you got taken so deeply into this sick person’s fantasy! Thank you for being brave enough to share your story here on LoveFraud, and I am glad that you have come here. This is a healing place. Your story may be a bit different than some of ours, because unfortunately our psychopaths did exist and were night mares instead of fantasy, but your love for yours made yours REAL to YOU! The pain is REAL whether the man was or not.

Forgiving them is difficult enough, but forgiving ourselves is just as hard. It starts out about them but ends up about us, so welcome to a place where there are others who will support you while you heal yourself from this trauma, there is NO healing for them. God bless and my prayers for your peace.

learning

Dear Janine,

What an unbelievable fraudulent ride this person took you on. Im sorry that you had to experience such an unhealthy person.

This is my take… the only difference between your story and many others is the physical presence in your day to day life was absent. Other than that your Sociopath did exist in your life. Once the mask fell your Sociopath did what many others do – disappear for good.

What was the same was the lure… the deceit…the charm (gifts, calls), the confusion (standing you up) the red flags/things you questioned but chose to make excuses for ( actions not equating to his/her words or promises, the two people sounded the same/behaved the same).

This person is really REALLY NOT WELL. This person conned you to no end. Did this person fall for you??? Quite possibly but in a sick and twisted way…honestly did the person enjoy the game more than he/she enjoyed what you two shared? Dont they all tho?

On top of being or not being a Sociopath – this person is a pathological liar with some severe personality disorders. It should be a reminder to all of us to STAY AWAY from internet dating sights – its a free for all for Freaks!!!

This person used and abused you on an extreme emotional level. This person was REAL – just used a fake gender to lure you in. You didnt know this. But now you know if someone keeps standing you up, making excuses, blowing you off — RED FLAG – ALARMS THE INNER BELLS — something is wrong.

Most importantly this person was NOT your best friend. He/she “posed” as your best friend. While at the time it felt very safe and real …NOW… TODAY… you are coming to terms with the fact that this person did not do ONE thing with you with a FRIENDLY intent… it was selfish…it was sick…and it was twisted…

How do you move on? The same way so many of us are learning to. By grasping and accepting the reality of our UNHEALTHY relationships as we go through all the stages and phases of having been duped and used and abused. As well as learning what we could have chosen to do differently so it never happens again.

We have to separate the fantasy they created, we got sucked into from the REALITY OF WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT THEY DID. We learn and we grow wiser, stronger and more self-aware as well as more able to protect ourselves by setting boundaries of what we will and will never accept as we go forward. We make changes within ourselves as we realize we can never change them. Our energies belong on healing ourselves and moving on from them.

Glad you are here. Its a long journey out of the fog, but LF makes it so we can be connected with others who can help us get through the darkest of days/nights to eventually see the light of life again!

bluejay

Learning –

Good advice to Janine! I’m going to use what you said, “Our energies belong to healing ourselves and moving on from them.” So true. Today, my goal is to apply this message to me, all day long, not dwelling on my pain and all the suffering that I’ve endured. It’s critical if we want to get back to normalcy. This morning I was swept up by my emotions, needing so much to get more peaceful. I want to have a good day.

learning

Dear Bluejay,

Ive learned and continue to learn that what has helped me (after having a total meltdown and focused on HIM and what HE did for so long (again part of the healing process is grasping his part as well as my partaking) and eventually what helped me was going back over my story and rather than looking at it from the perspective of all that HE did (and while very real and hurtful things HE did to me – they are things I cannot change)….so I went back to each stage/phase of my relationship with him and I sought for things I did/could have done differently. It blew me away!!!!!!!!! It was done with not one ounce of “blame” on my part but with HEALING KNOWLEDGE. They cant do what they do if we dont let them. At some points I wasnt aware of what he was doing, but at other points I was aware that it didnt feel right. Or I was aware he was making excuses.. I cant really explain what Im trying to express. As an example from Janines story…perhaps as she looks back she will see maybe she wont go on Internet Dating Sites, maybe she will choose to never continue on (no matter what the excuse) if she is stood up once or even twice. Maybe when she sees someone is acting jealous or says doesnt like her friends (even tho her person never even met them)… but maybe she will choose to see these things as RED FLAGS – toxic person. For me, it was choosing to NEVER EVER become sexual before really knowing, meeting, spending real time with family and friends. Just not taking the path of becoming romantically involved until much time and understanding of another is revealed.

Good for you for trying to move on from an important stage/phase of healing – going through and experiencing the pain and suffering of the event and the loss in your life. As long as we dont stay stuck in each phase/stage WE WILL MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE. Along the way I just figured out for myself – I wanted to go back and honestly see what I could have done different or once I was out of the fog go back and grasp the reality of BOTH of our involvement in my relationship. I harbored no blame or shame on myself – just an awareness that I didnt have the tools to deal with someone like him – and Ill be damned if I wasnt going to learn what I could learn , do differently going forward to protect myself and get back to being who I am and sharing my life with likeminded people! And knowing how to tell the difference now :)) Good for you Bluejay!!!!!! xo

learning

ps.. Bluejay – HAVE A GOOD DAY! Set out to do things that will make you accomplish that. A cup of your favorite coffee, a long walk taking in the sights and scents of Spring, today is Earth Day too – plant a seed and watch it grow along with your personal and spiritual growth… I KNOW THIS SOUNDS RIDICULOUS, but its the little things we start to do, change our routine, do something for another, for ourselves — IT HELpS! We sort of have to be in the place of wanting to and being ready to have a good day or heck even a good hour or half a day… its a process, its a commitment, its a willingness to abandon some of the hurt and pain and emotion and embrace some of the love still within us and CHOOSE TO GIVE IT TO OURSELVES…

I also must share that yesterday I was walking the track at the school (something I began a few months ago – rain or shine – and its helped not only my mind but my body too 🙂 anyway as I was walking in the rain, this young little girl (maybe 7 or 8 ) went flying by me in a USA TRACK TEAM running suit, as I was turning the track and catching up to where she stopped running she was being ridiculed and abused and yelled at and treated horrible by her Mother who had a stopwatch in her hand – saying “you’re just awful,, that was terrible, you should be ashamed of yourself just “jogging” and looking pathetic out there…you’re nothing, you will never be anything because youre such an awful runner go back and do it again in the rain…. Guys, it was all I could do NOT to say something to that horrid woman. Instead I passed by as the little girl walked beside me to promptly get to the starting line on the track, tears on her face and a stride so slow that I couldnt imagine how she was going to run. I turned to her and said can I tell you something, she said yes – I said I think you are a fabulous runner – I saw how fast you were pushing yourself – I think youre amazing. sometimes Mom’s arent always right as long as you do your best – thats all that matters. She said thanks and took off like a bat out of hell from the starting line. I think she made record time because she was allowed to leave the track after her mom clocked her in on that one!! Boy oh boy what goes on in the world is why so many of us get lost along the way :((

We cant change people. We can only help change ourselves. Give our best to others who are deserving of it and continue to make choices that add to our happiness in reality not in a fantasy. xo

bluejay

Learning –

I’ll be quick, having already had a good cup of coffee. What you did with that little girl was wonderful, so helpful to her. I am so sorry how we parents can fail our children at times, not liking one bit how the mother treated her child. I allow my children to be themselves, wanting them to be happy (as happy as they can be). Due to their father’s and my situation, they have known sorrow in their lives. My h-spath is impossible to deal with – it’s too hard for me. I know that I have to take time for myself, doing things that bring me pleasure. I look back at my childhood and can see how my past has made me who I am. My parents were not abusive, just not great communicators, affectionate. All of my siblings have been affected by their upbringing, in good ways and bad ways. I want so much to be healthy emotionally, but I wonder if it’s in the cards for me. It’s difficult contending with a spath on a day-to-day basis, his inability to act like a normal person. My desire is for my children to grow up feeling much loved, no matter what. They are my angels. I must remember this truth: “We can’t change people. We can only change ourselves. Give our best to others who are deserving of it and continue to make choices that add to our happiness in reality, not in fantasy.”

bluejay

Janine,

I hope the days ahead are healing for you, being amazed by what some people will do.

behind_blue_eyes

Janine;

I am very much sorry for your experience. I had the reverse happen to me. I met somebody in person, a real charmer who led me on and just when I was being to fall for him, and really needed him, he pulled the plug on our growing relationship. The entire experience first left my head spinning, as in one week I went from feeling I found a true soul-mate to being dumped.

It was after the fact that in a weird online situation, I found out the truth about Jamie. Interesting that his online persona was the exact opposite of my personal experiences with him, Unfortunately for me, my initial reaction to these “revelations” was not one of anger and I actually found myself more drawn to certain aspects of him — pity works well.

Learning offers excellent advice. Let me add that although we have been fooled, conned and rejected, we are in fact very desirable persons. Sociopaths are not bottom feeders and they target high-value people who are attractive and caring.

What I learned is the best way to move on is to focus on the facts and actions of the sociopath, not the words. More important, avoid pitying them. Save your feelings and emotions for an honest, emotionally health person that is worthy of them — yourself.

behind_blue_eyes

Learning;

“Once the mask fell your Sociopath did what many others do — disappear for good.”

Thank you. I always suspected that this was the reason for Jamie’s sudden and unexpected change but had other thoughts as well. Now I know for sure.

Remember, Jamie was hiding from me the fact he was HIV positive. I also believe that since when we met I was very sick, with symptoms not inconsistent with an HIV+ person, Jamie presumed/hoped this was the case.

My revelation to him that I “might” be HIV+ meant two things: 1) up to my last test I was not; 2) I was honest and up-front.

Jamie carries a lot of self-loathing from being HIV+ and from his past. He is also dishonest. Jamie’s mask fell when my honesty and optimistic attitude when confronting this disease was evident.

A normal person would have taken my revelation as an opportunity to open-up: “I am impressed by your openness and honesty. I like those qualities in a person and as we have been dating (but not sexually active, I was too sick), I have been waiting for the moment to discuss something with you and I hope that one way or another it does not affect our relationship…”

Instead, Jamie’s mask fell and he ran.

learning

Yes Bluejay,

I am not able to offer advice on dealing with a spath parther that you have to live with everyday. I think my advice would be to somehow find a way to get out, or if out, limit interaction. You have to always expect the unexpected with them, stay onestep ahead and find ways to nourish your inner self whenever he is not in your presence. But I cant imagine what its like day to day remaining in it after figuring out he is a bad toxic person for you.

Try to remember another does not determine your emotional healthiness – YOU DO. Another can only affect it – and that is where we make the choice of how much we are willing to take or can take before we become broken.

Your children are blessed to have you. They will feel your love for them always. part of being healthy emotionally is loving ourselves and showing that to ourselves and that others see us loving, respecting and protecting ourselves. That brought me more emotional health and well being than any other person can — and never again will another person be able to get me to stop loving and caring about myself and my children first and foremost.

Its in the cards for all of us, in fact its waiting for us — our emotional health is in our hands. You will make it too and through Bluejay. xo

learning

Behindblueeyes,

Its a difficult moment to realize the person we were with/we chose, falls short in the most basic of ways… respectful, honest, open, trusting, real.

I refer to it as basic ways … because without them basically its an unhealthy relationship from beginning to end… but only can be grasped by us when it ends.

Your honesty, openness, maturity was no match for Jamie. His disrespect, dishonesty and immaturity was no match for you. You did the right thing, it never seems to help to hear that you did the right thing, but I hope you take comfort in knowing you handled it the right way. He was unable to.

He was not the one for you.

Be thankful the mask fell and he ran.

Im glad youre here and doing better with each passing day and finding clarity in the reality of your story with Jamie. Its painful and healing. But we only become stronger wiser and healthier when we face what happened in a realistic way, deal with it, and move on to the life ahead… waiting for us, patiently! Thank goodness 🙂

neveragain

Dear Janine,

I recommend the book “The Emotional Rape Syndrome” because you were most definitely emotionally raped. There was a hidden agenda, there was a sudden reversal (all of a sudden “he” was “she” and gone), and as a victim, you feel extremely used and may fear you will never be able to love or trust again. Those are THE three defining traits.

Yours was a particularly BRUTAL emotional rape, leaving you to feel completely slimmed by your contact with that woman, by the way your own family was betrayed and used, etc. It makes me sick! There is not one redeeming memory! The betrayal colors EVERYTHING that took place!

Be aware that self-blame is one of the EXTREMELY damaging aftermaths of a relationship like this. What happened to you was rape. It was not an instance of personal failing. You were emotionally raped, plain and simple.

While you will read much well intentioned advise here, do NOT accept anything as true that in anyway blames you. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. That sick woman is!!!

Be gentle with yourself. As the book points out, it generally takes longer to recover from emotional rape than date rape, just as it usually takes longer to recover from date rape than stranger rape…and rape by a stranger is no picnic! It takes longer because the degree of love and trust involved is so much greater, and the damage was inflicted at a deeper level. So treat yourself as gently as someone who was raped at knife point. I’ve experienced all three kinds of rape, and I agree, what happened to you is the worst, though our courts don’t recognize it.

If there is a little voice saying “but I should of….” or “why didn’t I…”, just remember that after any tragedy people are haunted by such thoughts. After I was physically raped, I took some self defense classes. That doesn’t mean I deserved to be raped because I hadn’t taken the classes before the incidence. Sure, you have learned some lessons about things you will do differently in the future, but that is about learning self-defense. That should NOT be about blaming yourself for not having those skills earlier. If there were not sociopaths, you wouldn’t need to learn those skills. THEY ARE THE PROBLEM, NOT YOU.

You have an incredible ability to commit to a relationship, you are incredibly forgiving, you are loving, you know how to bond, you are incredibly giving, you have great patience…..those are all strengths that sociopaths take advantage of. As you heal, you don’t need to lose those strengths and in fact, they are so much a part of a loving person like yourself, that it would be hard to do so! But as you heal, you will learn how to protect those strengths from exploitation. The book I mentioned talks about making sure relationships are equal….and cutting them off when they aren’t, at least when it comes to intimate relationships.

But thank goodness for people like you!!!! You and people like you do wonderful work in the world. The very traits that the sociopath exploited, are the very traits that allow someone to teach retarded children and love it, to run animal sanctuaries, to take in an abused foster child, etc, etc. My dearest wish for you is that you find a way to give full expression to those wonderful traits in the world, while protecting yourself diligently when it comes to intimate relationships. And that you NEVER for one moment blame yourself for what happened.

YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bluejay

Dear Learning,

Thanks for your post. I had a huge bill to take care of today (one that my h-spath refused to deal with), so I’m still bristling about that. Even though my h-spath and I are separated, due to the kids I have some sort of interaction with him most days. You said that “I didn’t have the tools to deal with someone like him,” acknowledging to myself the same reality. The less I have to do with him, the better, the same being for anyone having a spath in their lives.

bulletproof

okay. From now on I give six chances to people. They will have a sequence of first offence, second and so on until no 6 and then it is curtains.
Sociopaths/psychopaths are very “nice” and full of “excuses” but just mark an excuse as a chance….seriously because they have not delivered and this is a red flag.

big signs that things are bad:

Confusion
hope against hope
is it me?
endless availability to his justifications

only thing to do?

Grieve the illusion, cry, talk, tell us what happened…walk the walk and talk the talk to freedom

Ox Drover

Bulletproof,

Okay, someone lies to you ONCE, so you give them FIVE more lies before you cut them off? Hey, I am down to the ONE LIE or one RED FLAG and you are out. NO EXCUSES at all, maybe a “reason,” but NO EXCUSES.

Couldn’t meet me because your grandmother died? OK…I’ll check the obits and if your granny didn’t die, well that was an EXCUSE and not a REASON, it was a LIE—OUT DAMNED SPOT! Broke the ONE lie rule.

ONE DISHONEST BEHAVIOR–of any kind, and OUT DAMN [email protected] ONE HATEFUL thing or nasty, name-calling when angry! There is NO REASON for that and excuses don’t count.

What do I need liars, dishonest people, or nasty hateful angry people in my life for? I’m at the ONCE RED FLAG AND I RUN STAGE! Keeps my life a lot more simple and P-free.

neveragain

Janine,

One more thing, is NO CONTACT with her ever again. It is the only way to heal. Though your mind wants to know, it doesn’t matter if she felt something or not, she was lying and manipulating and that is NOT how you express love to someone, it has nothing to do with love. She is incapable of love. The one truth she told you is she is a sociopath. That is a permanent condition, she is incapable of love. She knows the words to the song, but not the melody.

There is a blog by M. Gallagher about no contact begins in your head. You will find it if you click on her as an author. No contact via even your thoughts is hard, but it is the quickest way to heal.

As far as what to do, try to get busy in new pursuits. This person took up a tremendous amount of your time and energy and you need something demanding to replace that with.

And if you are having trouble concentrating, etc. consider going to your physician and explain what happened and see if you are a candidate for anti-depression medication. Sociopaths get our brain chemicals all out of whack, and medication for 6 months or so can help us heal faster sometimes.

learning

I was afraid my advice/response to Janine might be received the wrong way. I tried to stress several times that I never once looked back and re-reviewed my choices with a sense of blame or shame on myself — as I know I am kind generous giving caring person. To me its not about what my traits were – it was about what SOME of my choices/actions were.

Janine, I agree with Neveragain YOU ARE NOT THE pROBLEM… I AM NOT THE pROBLEM. SO MANY OF US WERE NOT THE ” pROBLEM”. But in my honesty MY ACTIONS at times, MY CHOICES due to not knowing how to deal with an unhealthy partner were pART of the “pROBLEM” or rather giving freedom for the “problem” to continue and grow and get bigger than life and suffocate me. In my own personal story – he lied, he cheated he stole thousands…I didnt have the tools or awareness to make the right choices = to end it – to capture the red flags and run…after looking back and seeing what I could have done differently – I now am better prepared to deal with unhealthy toxic people who try to lure me in. Im not 100percent able to but much much much more prepared now that I revisited my story with a different view and an openness to some of the things I overlooked (whether it was because I was in a fog, or was being lied to or wanted to turn a cheek – the reasons dont matter to me – what matters to me is what I could have and will do differently going forward.

I hope Janine does make changes going forward for her protection and emotional health while finding ways to give full expression to the wonderful traits she has in the world when it comes to any and all relationships.

This is never about blaming oneself, its about seeing what could be done different, with more awareness of CHOICES that can be made differently by all of us.

I too have aan incredible ability to commit to a relationship, be incredibly forgiving, and loving, and know how to bond, and are incredibly giving, with great patience” but I have to CHOOSE who I GIVE 100 percent too. I cant continue giving blindly to the ones who show me attention, shower me with gifts, lure me with words and NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH WITH ACTIONS. I must make changes within myself to protect myself. Never change my ways but strengthen and make wiser choices.

They may be strengths sociopaths take advantage of …but a sociopath can only take advantage of them if we let them continue on in our life in an “odd” way, in an “excuse making way” in a “less than normal way” ultimately leading to an “unhealthy way and unhealthy reveal” of the entire relationship.

I feel strongly about this topic and it not being a means to which it appears as though discussing this part of the relationship (our involvement) has to be viewed as accepting self-blame/self-shame. When it really is just accepting we can choose to recognize that at certain points in these toxic relationship we need to make stronger healthier choices for ourself when someone is ACTING ODDLY, TREATING US BADLY, CONFUSING US, BECOMING JEALOUS, NEGATIVE, NEVER AppEARING, OR DISAppEARS, OR LIES, CHEATS, ETC.

Janine, as i said earlier I believe this person used and abused you on an extreme emotional level. A conartist. A pathological liar.

You are not to blame AT ALL. Neither was I. What helped me moveon and heal was to look back at the red flags, see what I missed, and accept what I could have done differently every step of the way had I been more self-aware, people-aware AND HAD THE TOOLS TO DEAL WITH HIM.

I hope I didnt leave you with the impression that I thought you were to blame or the problem. My intention was to leave you with ideas on how to move on and heal without blame and shame, and with a sense of strength and resolve that you cannot change her/ him but you can make changes to protect yourself going forward.

learning

I dont understand how so often it becomes like taboo to dare to delve into perhaps what we could have done differntly.

I know there are some really EVIL, MURDERERS, HIGH LEVEL SOCIOpATHS ON THE FAR END OF SpECTRUM that shows theres nothing we could have done differently – they were there to physically murder, rape, etc….

But I guess Im speaking for the ones who left us with the slightest bit of leeway because of their lack of truth, lack of ever appearing in our lives, or lack of consistency, or lack of making good choices before our own eyes that we may have been able to choose to not pursue, to not be curious or intrigued by their odd/unique ways and to actually get out, get away, stop, say no more and commit to it.

Saying this does not equate to self-blame. But perhaps more self-awareness, self-respect, self-love.

This post has nothing to do with Janines story. Its a general statement that we never really seem to go there – about ourselves and our choices with these kinds of people without it appearing to be as though we are self-blaming. I honestly have no self blame or shame and I went there.

kim frederick

Learning, I’m with you, on this one. I believe it’s part of the process of recovery, and really very healing. However, we all have to get to that point at our own speed, and I remember a time when I would have been sooo angry at the very idea.

It’s growth, really to be able to stand back and objectively take a look at ourselves.

Why on earth would I settle for that kind of shoddy treatment for so long? Why didn’t I ever call the police? What made me think he would change? What made me think I could MAKE HIM? These are just my own personal issues….but it’s been really enlightening for me to dare looking there.

It’s NOT self-blame, it’s self-acceptance, and self understanding. Really, the only way to change anything is to aknowledge it….and at least WE ARE able to self-reflect. The spaths are not. So, I say we are very fortunate, and I don’t mind so much learning about me.

Good topic. Thanks.

kim frederick

The one thing all of my pathological relationships had in common was me. I was there, I was attracted and I was attractive. It doesn’t hurt me to figure out why. Resolve or repeat, and I’m damn tired of the re-runs.

learning

Kim,

Im having lots of “moments” lately. Dont know what it is…but I think you are right…its a place some of us will choose to get to on our own and perhaps some of us dont ever need to go there, or believe one needs to go there.

In order for me to heal I HAD TO GO THERE. But it was LONG LONG LONG after I had HIM, HIS BAD WAYS, THE THINGS HE DID, HOW HE DID IT, WHY HE DID IT, WHY HIS FAMiLy lives in denial… I guess Ill call it the “HIM stage in my mind…I was there for a very long time, almost too long… and then I pushed myself to delve into ME :)…. my strengths and weaknesses, my giving and neediness, my unresolved past and my yearning for a certain future….

In the end, as Ive shared before I think we both fed off of eachother in a very unhealthy way , and dare I say I think we both didnt know ourselves let alone the other (i cared to know him, he could have cared less to really know me though – as he was all about himself 🙂

My story was about meeting an unhealthy toxic person and me not ever experiencing someone of that nature – as well as myself not having the strength knowledge or understanding of how to deal, get out, ACCEpt that the things he was doing were not what healthy normal guys do, that I deserved better and that I could say NO and GET OUT for my own protection. Whether it be a Sociopath or anyone without good intentions toward me/for me. Long journey, still on it, but feel by taking the time to resolve so much within me – I wont repeat! Thanks Kim!

Ox Drover

Kim and Learning,

I think it always starts out with “them” and ends up being about “us”—-we are NOT responsible or to blame for what they did, but we are responsible for OUR CHOICES TO STAY.

Finding out the common denominator in the relationships with multiple Ps always comes back to like Kimmie said, WE are the common denominator…so something about us attracts them and something about us keeps us from sending them on their way. We can’t fix their abusiveness, but we can fix our TOLERANCE of abuse down to the healthy level of ZERO TOLERANCE FOR ABUSE. That is the time when the healing gets rolling when we can look at ourselves and accept that we accepted it….the reason doesn’t matter…we did make that choice. But now we KNOW WHAT ABUSE IS and we know we don’t tolerate it any more. We know we don’t deserve it. We trust and know we won’t allow it.

neveragain

Dear all,

I was not reacting to anyone’s posts on this blog…I read the letter and then skipped straight to posting. So my comment of “While you will read much well intentioned advise here, do NOT accept anything as true that in anyway blames you. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. That sick woman is!!!” was NOT directed at anyone posting here, sorry I didn’t make it clear. Why do I stress that “you are not the problem”? Because the book on Emotional Rape stresses that and I agree. Self-blame can really add to the damage the sociopath has already done.

Engaging in self-blame can be productive, for some, I suppose. But engaging in learning self-defense is always productive and there is never a downside to it! It may seem like a matter of semantics, but when the focus is on learning to defend yourself, it keeps in the forefront of your mind that “no bad guys, no problem!” Which is true. What is wrong in being so trusting, if there are no bad guys? Nothing! If there were no exploiters out there, we wouldn’t get exploited no matter what we did. A woman can be as trusting and naive as all get out, and she would have NOTHING to fear from my husband for example. He is not an exploiter. No matter how easy a target anyone is. Won’t do it. Most of us won’t.

Whereas I think self-blame leads to negative thoughts about yourself which CAN lead to a very bad place. (For some, I realize, it just results in positive growth, nonetheless.)

neveragain

I guess I would say yes, I am the common denominator if it keeps happening, but whether it was an anomaly or a pattern, I want to focus on how to defend myself and keep bad people from exploiting me. I want to be clear that I have to make changes NOT because there is something wrong or weak in me, but because there are bad guys out there.

Maybe I learn that because I was raped as a child, I’m prone to do X. STILL, IT IS NOT A PROBLEM if there are no exploiters around. But given that there are exploiters out there, I need to do Y instead of X. That is smart self-defense.

Maybe I have a tendency to ignore red flags. NOT A PROBLEM if there is no one out there waving the red flags. But since there are, I need to learn to not ignore the red flags.

I dunno. I don’t think it is splitting hairs. I think it is important to remember no matter what changes we choose to make in our lives, we aren’t doing it because we are defective, but because there are exploiters out there.

learning

Hi Neveragain –

Since I did a majority of the responses with regard to Janines article, I really did think you were referring to my comments with well intentions as well. I was incorrect (again) 🙂

I really do agree with you that self-blame is negative and can add to the damage and lead to a very bad place.

But I respectfully disagree that for some Self-Blame results in positive growth. I just dont ever see self-blaming resulting in anything positive.

Reaffirming self- awareness, self-respect, self-love, self-trust and all the other positive affirmations that could contribute to limiting the continuation of a bad toxic relationship is something I advocate for!

You said “what is wrong with being so trusting, if there are no bad guys?”
True statement… but in the REAL WORLD THERE ARE BAD GUYS and ALWAYS WILL BE… so its always better to be self-trusting then trust everyone who hasnt EARNED your trust. Im sure your husband EARNS the trust of all of his friends and people in his life by making healthy choices and treating others with respect and kindness – now thats somebody I would let earn my trust and continue on in a relationship with.

Self-defense physically is a great way to protect ourselves. Self-awareness emotionally is another great way to protect ourselves.
Self-blame will only hurt us.

Thank you for sharing about the book Emotional Rape!

Ox Drover

Dear Never again,

“we aren’t doing it because we are defective but because there are exploiters out there” Yes, you are right, but we must ADAPT to circumstances. In a perfect world we wouldn’t have to learn self defense, but because there are predators out there, the rabbit who learns to run fastest is most likely to survive to hop another day.

Sometimes we encounter things in our lives that like a rabbit with a broken leg make us EASIER PREY for a predator, and we need to heal that leg, or like maybe a rabbit born with only three legs, we have to learn to compensate for that missing leg…and the better we adapt to whatever our challenges are, the more likely we are to be safe from the predators. It doesn’t hurt either, to learn to recognize predators from non-predators either. By watching the environment and listening to the birds chirp, a rabbit can get some clues that it is either safe or that there is a cat stalking near by, so we need to learn to listen to our environment and also our own instincts.

But, in a perfect world we wouldn’t have to…but in this world, we must….

learning

Neveragain,

In my opinion, physical rape doesnt fall into the category of someone having to EVER revisit whether they could have done anything different.

Being in a long-term toxic relationship could lend toward someone choosing to revisit whether there might have been different choices they could have made along the way.

Again, I respectfully 🙂 disagee that for some (especially myself) the changes I CHOSE to make after my toxic relationship were as a result of me not have the tools to deal with him and me not being self-aware as to the many choices I could have made when his behaviors surfaced (lying, cheating, head games, stealing, luring, charming, overly attentive.etc..) he was an exploiter and I WAS not self-aware enough or aware of exploiters existence.

Defective is not the right word. I was ill-prepared…

I think we are saying the same things, just in different ways.

But when rape is involved – thats a whole other healing journey – very little to do with needing more self-awareness in my opinion.

silvermoon

This hits home-

He came to me and was snatchted by Marshalls. He is gone. Imprisoned. I got invited to tbear the responsibility and cost of having him loose again by the legal/judicial system without ANY information even though they KNEW he was legally married to someone else. Even though they KNEW his records which I still do not.

I’m mad as hell that the privacy laws protect him from being revealed to me. I think its wrong. Flat, dead wrong.

As far as being ill prepared, yes. I didn’t know what all that behavior was and he got to me and nothing in society was there as a net to protect- not friends or family or anything else.

NObody else understood what he really was either.

Education and legal reform are NEEDED!

Stargazer

Holy crap, wait till One Step sees this. This sounds so much like her story.

There is a website called romancescams.org that is a good resource for people who have been scammed online or who are afraid of being scammed online.

Personally, I don’t think I could have an online romance with someone I’ve never met. The stakes are too high, especially after reading the stories here for so long. I fell for someone once after emailing for about a month. After that I knew I either needed to meet him (he was out of state) or I had to cut it off. We ended up meeting and having a brief romance that was cut short due to our geographical and age differences.

I’m so sorry for what you went through, Janine. It’s still hard for me to wrap my mind around some of the scams people are running on dating sites. After hearing so many of these stories, I took my profile off the dating site.

silvermoon

I can’t believe the dating sites don’t do more to protect legitimate clients. If there are any besides the women who end up here!

I keep thinking about writing a YELP about the one where I met the person who deosn’t sleep here any more and how he still has a single profile up on it.

But I think time is better spent talking to people in the legal/family court system because al of us are cured of on line dating and there are children who need protection more.

Ox Drover

Dear Silvermoon,

Those “dating sites” are P-hunting preserves! The unwary “dears” come into the range of the hunting blinds and the Ps take sight on the victims in the cross hairs! They put out BAIT to lure the poor “dears” into range of their weapons and kill without regret–either the body, mind or soul! Or all three!

The owners of the sites don’t CARE about protecting the unsuspecting “dears” as they actually pay for the priviledge of being hunted and victimized–pay for the FALSE HOPE of an honest person there instead of a predator.

silvermoon

Exactly, but, they should have liability.

Stargazer

I have had a number of predators contact me on dating sites. They are usually pretty easy to spot. Their pictures look like super model pics. And their English is usually spotty. They say they are moving to your town to start a business or something like that. They will also tell you that you are an angel sent by heaven. They usually have some sob story about how their wife just died, or they lost their family in a car accident. If you happen to write back to them, they will not respond for a few weeks. (During this time, they are scamming other people). Then they write back, all lovey dovey like you are love of their life. This seems very obvious to me, but apparently, some are a little tougher to spot. I think a good rule of thumb is to meet them at least within a few weeks so you can see if they are for real. If they come up with excuses why they can’t meet you, run for the hills!

As for the real life sociopath that I actually dated for 2-1/2 months, he was into no-shows and wild excuses. The first excuse was that he was having brain surgery. The second time he knew better than to even try to make up an excuse. He just told me he had no excuse but still wanted to be with me after that. That was when I finally ended it. It was so ridiculous to me. I had dated some strange men before, but never had anyone played these kinds of games with me. No-shows and wild excuses should be a BIG red flag.

hens

Dear Star – I think the predator’s you described on the dating site are spam, they are actually robots trying to get your email address so they can sell it to advertisers. etc. or ‘real’ predators. The real predators then take over with very smooth language and all the other great acting talents they have..beware of robo-spaths.

Stargazer

I don’t know, henry. I’ve heard a lot of these guys (or women) are very successful at scamming people for money. They prey on the lonely. After they win you over with their fake good looks, sob story, and professions of love, they suddenly need money to move to your town where they were planning to start their business. Even after they know you are onto them, they will say things like, “At first it was just a con. But then I fell in love with you.” This is well documented on the romancescams.org site. I have never gotten to the point where they have asked me for money because I can usually spot them right away. Sometimes I will play with them, though. Like when they say they are moving to my town, I will ask them what part of town they are planning to move to? They are never able to answer.

Ox Drover

Star, it is not the Lion that you spot that is dangerous, but the ones you don’t see that nail you! YOu met I believe your P on your reptile site, not even a dating site but a “common interest” site…he was much SMOOTHER than the Nigerian scammers that don’t speak good English–but he did get some trust out of you and that is what it takes to get close enough to “grab” you for whtever it is they want, money or sex or whatever…if they can’t get your trust they can’t get close enough to scam you.

Some people fall for an “obvious” scan (to you) but you fell to a scam that might have been “obvious” to me…I fell for a scam that maybe you could have seen through immediately. It just depends on your point of view what is “obvious” and what isn’t. They search for our “weak points’ —are you needy for love, validation, importance, or whatever it is that you want out of a relationship and they show it to you (mirror your desires) and BAM you are hooked! That’s why the bait for different fish is different…each one likes a different thing. So they dangle the bait they think you want out in front of your face. Sometimes they guess wrong and we see the HOOK, other times we swallow it HOOK, LINE AND SINKER!

Stargazer

Good point. The one I met on the reptile site did not play online games, though. He played games in person. I could have just as easily met him at the reptile store, which he frequented a lot. I don’t think his particular scam needed an online audience. He was very eager to meet me. In fact, a little too eager.

hens

I get the same emails Star and they have a great sob story and poor english and yes moving to our location but they never know our location. But I have replied to them a few time with ‘mary had a little lamb can I borrow some cash?’ and they keep writing back to my rediculous reply, so I assumed they are automated scammer/spammers,, but what do I know – it still stings where I got hooked last time..ox is right we all percieve things differently.

super chic

Henry, Hi, I read your question last night, but it looked like you had already signed off for the evening. I did not take the spath back, but yesterday I did tell him to stop calling me and to stop coming over to my house.

The problem is… there is always a problem, isn’t there? … instead of feeling strong and proud, I am reliving the pain I went through when my fantasy crashed down all around me last year. I have had some real “snot slobbering” cries (as you so creatively call them!!) and again I feel so SAD I can’t stand it. I am still very attracted to him and wished all year long that it had worked out. I really wanted to be with that man, and I did back flips while I was with him, my mind still in the fog… thinking someday he will realize how wonderful I am, someday he will change.

So I am not happy, but holding onto the knowledge that these feelings and thoughts will eventually go away. I thought they had gone away. I hope he doesn’t pop up again. It’s not good.

behind_blue_eyes

Learning;

Again, you are 100% correct. I neither attracted to the “online” Jamie nor to a person as dishonest and callous as him. Funny how I learned more about him in a few minutes looking an online profile than in my time with him and what I learned is not very attractive.

My caring and empathy toward somebody lonely and in obvious pain caused me to ignore too much and the simple fact is that when I focus on his actions and not my emotions, I don’t see a very desirable person. I am even beginning to see his kind words and flattery were merely manipulative and self-serving.

The hardest part has been lack of real closure. I can only presume he knows I know he truth about him, but part of me needs more than that.

For over a year now, I avoided looking at his online profile. Out of curiosity, today I did. Sane picture, same glib content. If that was pathetic a year and a half ago, what is it now? No 35 year-old looks that young and even fratboys have more mature profiles.

Part of me wants to set up a dummy profile and call him out. Not as me, anonymously, but lure him in, then nail him with questions about his past, his HIV status, his porn habits and such, then reject him, much the way Lorraine did.

The wiser part tells me not to do this, as does the compassionate part. As I said, his complete inability to present even a reasonably accurate picture is pathetically telling, as is his lack of desire to construct a profile appropriate from a 35-year old man.

Stargazer

SC, I’m sorry to see you are hurting so much over that creep. Make sure you stay grounded in reality–remember what he is and how he treated you. Exercise and eat well, and this will balance your emotions. You can get through this!!
Big Hugs,
Star

Stargazer

BehindBlueEyes,
The thing that hooks me in with these types is also my sympathy for them. Because I’ve been through the school of hard knocks, I bond with others more easily if they’ve been through hard times. Both of the sociopaths I fell for (the last one only lasting a few days) led me to believe that they had had hard lives. One went so far as to tell me he used to be in a gang and had been raped and shot. In contrast, he told the other woman he was playing that he had an idyllic life to match her happy childhood stories. Even after I found out the last guy I’d fallen for was a sociopath, I still longed for him for a long time. I had only spoken to him a few times on the phone and felt this magical connection and deep longing that I hadn’t felt in a long time (probably since the previous sociopath lol). Even after I saw what he was, I still had feelings for him. It took one last act on my part to break the connection. I called him to have “closure” for myself. He never returned the call. When I saw the cruelty in that, I was able to let go. IMO, hanging on always involves some sort of denial. You can see the outward bad behaviors, but you are still somehow in a fog of thinking there is a chance that he loves you.

Mental cruelty is something I just cannot tolerate. My life is hard enough as it is without someone trying to bring me down and crush the life out of me.

Yes, you can play him back, and it might feel good. But it keeps him in your life, even when you’re ready to move on. You have to weigh the price of keeping an involvement with him, even if it’s just for revenge.

pollyannanomore

Janene – I am very sorry for your experience – that someone could do this to you is disgusting. It seems there are several situations like this one floating around online – the online world is a perfect chance for disordered people to make up lives that don’t exist and even people that aren’t real. I am very wary of online meetings and tend to check people out via a few emails and googling them then want to meet in real life quite quickly. After you have been conned by someone you tend to be quite protective of yourself.

I hope that you are recovering from this horrible experience and will meet people more locally from now on. Not everyone in the world is a sociopath but the internet makes a great playground for people who lie about themselves and their lives. we cannot assume that everyone is as honest as we are – there are some people out there who breathe lies as we draw breath.

Please do some reading here – you will see there are many other people who have been through similar devastations with sociopaths – you are certainly not alone in the deception you suffered although not all of us have had online liaisons. Many of us suffered for years in real life with the people who shared our beds and lied to our faces. Realising you have been conned is really hard and the law is no protection against this sort of thing unless the person has committed some other kind of crime. It does get better in time though and you can start to rebuild your faith in the world by spending time with good friends and family.

Once more thankyou for sharing your experience and being willing to open up to this community. We know the pain that sociopaths cause – we have all lived through it and it hurts like nothing on earth.

ErinBrock

CHIC:
Girl….you know what to do……REMAIN strong in your memories for your future!!!
If it hurts…..it ain’t right!

Keep it together….don’t test yourself….He ain’t changing!
YOU ARE!!!

XXOO
EB

hens

Shabby Thanx for explaining the details. My X has showed up a few times over the past 2 years, last time was about 6 months ago, I dont know what he wanted I wouldnt open the door. But he wasnt here to try and get me back, I think it was to show off the shiny new truck he was driving, dont know if it was his or his BF’s but he that mean angry look on his face so I didnt give him the chance to talk at me.. making eye contact with them is dangerous. But at the same it put me back in a bad funk for awhile. If he had been like your X and was wanting to talk and try to get back in my heart, I think it would of been very difficult for me. Cause like you I still miss that illusion….But Shabby I can not believe anything anything anything that the guy says. I am sorry your feelin that friggin fog again, I am out of the fog forever ‘i hope’ but anyway I understand why you feel this, but love does not hurt, love does not ask why, dont let him mess with your mind….my advice is find someone nice to date and spend time with, but dont look for mister forever more, just find a nice guy to spend time with it will help get your mind off the illusionist. Shabby why have you not changed numbers to unlisted?? BOINK BOINK

Janine

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your messages and support. For a long time I felt protective of this girl, even when I had found out who she was, that I didnt want my story published, however 5 months down the line I am healing and wanted to share my story if in any way it could help anyone else in the same situation.

I felt so stupid and to blame after it all happened, in a way, I was the one who let it continue, but I had been drawn in so far that I couldnt get out. I neglected my friends, family and changed as a person, but I am blessed as my friends and family stood by me, even when the truth came out, they didnt judge me.

I would be lying if I said that there arent days that go by that I dont think about him and her (I think of them as two different people still-as in my mind he was so real) I do miss the connection we had and the plans we had made…and for a very long time I felt that I would never have that with anyone else, the butterflies, the connection…..

However I actually met a REAL boy the other day, and I actually had butterflies, I think I was more excited about the butterflies than actually meeting him..but its made me realise that I am healing and that what happened to me WASNT my fault, doesnt make it any easier I can tell you!

It has also taught me to trust my instincts, as the whole time my gut was screaming at me, telling me something wasnt right, but I chose to ignore it.

I actually saw her a few weeks ago, she was at the same cinema as me, I didnt even give her a second glance.

Again, thank you for all your comments and advice. If anyone has any questions about anything, I will be happy to answer.

Ox Drover

Dear Janine,

I’m glad that you are doing well and on the road to recovering your self! Your SELF! That is important and just remember no one, NO ONE, is more important than your SELF!

Be happy, with your SELF, fall in love with Your SELF, and treat others well, but make sure that they respect your SELF and treat your SELF as well as you treat them.

Always put your SELF first! Not “selfishly” but in a healthy manner realizing that your SELF is important! Is wonderful! Is valuable!

Thanks for sharing! God bless.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Dear Janine ”“

I wrote this to you last night, before reading your post today. You sound good and that is wonderful. Think I will post this regardless.

’He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.’
You will figure it all out, one step at a time. It may take a while. But it really is going to be okay. Don’t feel embarrassed. It was a con. And this is what these folks do. The internet is just a very good tool. (And don’t listen to any subtle or not so subtle innuendo intimating that you got what you can expect from being online. It is a reductive and callous judgement.)

I was spathed online and on phone by a woman pretending to be a boy. She didn’t come into my life physically but she has gone into the lives of others in a way similar to your experience.

She also pretended to be another half dozen people who I had contact with via email ”“ and one via phone. (the sister of the boy, so of course their voices were similar ”“ but they didn’t laugh like one another ”“ and believe me I pushed the hahas to find out) I KNOW that it is possible to do this. It took a VERY long time to get all the sock puppets to stay in one shoe.

She steals the details of people’s lives and their photos to con people. I know who the ppath is now, and I also know whose lives she stole. I have found all this out by sleuthing and connecting with others who know her ”“ since November of last year. The ppath of my acquaintance has been doing this crap for over 30 years. She is a pro.

As the boy she had anxiety attacks, surgeries, mental and emotional breakdowns, suicide attempts, death and resurrection——”.and I have NEVER laughed so much with anyone EVER, and spoke everyday, etc. Another of her dupes, who she conned like this for TWO YEARS went public. And is suing her for fraud.

You are right, she isn’t gay. Neither is mine as far as I can tell. A spath’s choice of who to have sex with, is innate as it is with the rest of us. But spaths choose people based out of their innate desire to manipulate and control. Sex is a tool ”“ I don’t think gender preference enters much into it ”“ it is based on who they may be able to steal from.

I know exactly what you mean by ’He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real ”’ It is the howl in my psyche, it is the howl in my revenge fantasies. It’s like she actually killed him. It’s taken months of raging pain fantasizing about killing HER for the desire to subside.

There is an incredible betrayal involved with someone pretending that they are someone we can love and laugh with, and share some amazing similarities and desires with. It is a con. I suspect that the woman you know has done this many times and will do it many times again. This woman is SEVERELY disordered, dangerous, uncaring, and NOT SORRY and probably very contemptuous of your humanity. I am a bit surprised she told you she was a spath ”“ but then again they are grandiose little btards, every one of them.

And I know this will be hard to swallow ”“ it wasn’t personal.  she set a snare, you walked into it. We wanted them to be what we thought they were, and THAT was very personal. But it wasn’t, it isn’t. I know of three more cons the ppath I know has been pulling since she conned me. and with every new piece of knowledge my understanding of what I have been dealing with expands, and the feeling that the like of me or the conning of me was personal, erodes further. And the separation between ’him’ and ’her’collapses more. And it IS hard. Because ’he’ did not love me. and, she conned me with forethought and with malicious intent. Those things are still separate for me, and make up the larger picture. It’s not a great picture, eh? But I will one day be free of it. there are gifts in this mess. And I will find them and polish them.

I want you to know you are not alone, Lf is an amazing resource, and I know very intimately what mindf**kery you are experiencing.

I have to ask you, how old was she and how old was he supposed to be?

Best,
One step

one/joy_step_at_a_time

star – yah, wow, eh!

I messaged someone in the online community where i met the ppath who had had a similar expereince, with yet another nasty old woman with a keyboard.

xx one step

hedidntbreakme

I’ve been 8 months clean (no contact) and for some reason ”“ I feel I had a setback.

I went on a website where my Spath’s Baby’s mother ”“ writes her daily journals ”“ she is a writer. I figured why not read what’s going on with her since I am no longer in his life (I know how dumb).

Well, I never did meet his baby’s mother over the passed 3 years we were together. I just helped him with his child on weekends (him leaving the child with me) while he did whatever. She would call him and check on the daughter and he would sit there and lie about all the things they had done that day (museum, baking cupcakes, etc.)

I always wanted to meet her but he would never wanted this to happened (I figured he was ashamed of me because I wasn’t on his baby mother’s level, because in his eyes, she was better than me). She did the same line of work as he “supposedly did, entertainment” so I think he thought she would be able to make him into a STAR because she had connections. PS: she no longer has that job ”“ so he has turned on her too.

To make a long story short ”“ She writes in her journal ”“ that after 3 years, and never meeting his girlfriend ”“ she finally gets to meet her! She didn’t understand why after all this time he decided to bring the new girlfriend around her “without letting her know” and he bought the new girl to her daughter’s birthday party. The baby’s Mother was livid about this.

She also went on to say ”“ he was ENGAGED to the women he was with for the passed 3 years”my mouth is still hung to the floor and how he lived with the girlfriend for the passed 3 years. I was in shock in Awe”.

She posed the question to her readers: Why after all this time, did he decide to bring her around? Why has he lost touch with their daughter he barely comes to see his child anymore? Why has he changed?

I want to respond back to her and say: I know why he has changed ”“ cuz he had me brainwashed to believe he was the best dad in the world, while I was taking care of your daughter and then when it was time to drop the lil girl off, he pretended that he was the best father all weekend.

I never questioned him about anything when it came to the “so called” relationship with his daughter’s mom and him. I was just silent and stupid. He used me, he took all my money $30.000. the motorcycle she sees him riding ”“ I bought it. The car he used to drive to pick up his daughter was my car!

I’ve been contemplating responding to her questions (I think she would be in shock, that I was the one helping him with their daughter, he was using my car, staying in my house and I was the women in his life all that time not this new chick). Although, I know he had many many many women (what a liar).

Or should I stay silent ”“ it really hurts ”“ to know he has the baby mama all confused. I never got to meet her after 3 years, now he is with someone and brings the chick around engaged to her to meet the baby’s mother.

The baby’s mother said he verbally tongue thrashed her ”“ she is shocked that this man has turned on her and her daughter after she him “trained” as a coparent.

Send this to a friend