Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
Dear Janine,
I am so sorry that this happened to you, and that you got taken so deeply into this sick person’s fantasy! Thank you for being brave enough to share your story here on LoveFraud, and I am glad that you have come here. This is a healing place. Your story may be a bit different than some of ours, because unfortunately our psychopaths did exist and were night mares instead of fantasy, but your love for yours made yours REAL to YOU! The pain is REAL whether the man was or not.
Forgiving them is difficult enough, but forgiving ourselves is just as hard. It starts out about them but ends up about us, so welcome to a place where there are others who will support you while you heal yourself from this trauma, there is NO healing for them. God bless and my prayers for your peace.
Dear Janine,
What an unbelievable fraudulent ride this person took you on. Im sorry that you had to experience such an unhealthy person.
This is my take… the only difference between your story and many others is the physical presence in your day to day life was absent. Other than that your Sociopath did exist in your life. Once the mask fell your Sociopath did what many others do – disappear for good.
What was the same was the lure… the deceit…the charm (gifts, calls), the confusion (standing you up) the red flags/things you questioned but chose to make excuses for ( actions not equating to his/her words or promises, the two people sounded the same/behaved the same).
This person is really REALLY NOT WELL. This person conned you to no end. Did this person fall for you??? Quite possibly but in a sick and twisted way…honestly did the person enjoy the game more than he/she enjoyed what you two shared? Dont they all tho?
On top of being or not being a Sociopath – this person is a pathological liar with some severe personality disorders. It should be a reminder to all of us to STAY AWAY from internet dating sights – its a free for all for Freaks!!!
This person used and abused you on an extreme emotional level. This person was REAL – just used a fake gender to lure you in. You didnt know this. But now you know if someone keeps standing you up, making excuses, blowing you off — RED FLAG – ALARMS THE INNER BELLS — something is wrong.
Most importantly this person was NOT your best friend. He/she “posed” as your best friend. While at the time it felt very safe and real …NOW… TODAY… you are coming to terms with the fact that this person did not do ONE thing with you with a FRIENDLY intent… it was selfish…it was sick…and it was twisted…
How do you move on? The same way so many of us are learning to. By grasping and accepting the reality of our UNHEALTHY relationships as we go through all the stages and phases of having been duped and used and abused. As well as learning what we could have chosen to do differently so it never happens again.
We have to separate the fantasy they created, we got sucked into from the REALITY OF WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT THEY DID. We learn and we grow wiser, stronger and more self-aware as well as more able to protect ourselves by setting boundaries of what we will and will never accept as we go forward. We make changes within ourselves as we realize we can never change them. Our energies belong on healing ourselves and moving on from them.
Glad you are here. Its a long journey out of the fog, but LF makes it so we can be connected with others who can help us get through the darkest of days/nights to eventually see the light of life again!
Learning –
Good advice to Janine! I’m going to use what you said, “Our energies belong to healing ourselves and moving on from them.” So true. Today, my goal is to apply this message to me, all day long, not dwelling on my pain and all the suffering that I’ve endured. It’s critical if we want to get back to normalcy. This morning I was swept up by my emotions, needing so much to get more peaceful. I want to have a good day.
Dear Bluejay,
Ive learned and continue to learn that what has helped me (after having a total meltdown and focused on HIM and what HE did for so long (again part of the healing process is grasping his part as well as my partaking) and eventually what helped me was going back over my story and rather than looking at it from the perspective of all that HE did (and while very real and hurtful things HE did to me – they are things I cannot change)….so I went back to each stage/phase of my relationship with him and I sought for things I did/could have done differently. It blew me away!!!!!!!!! It was done with not one ounce of “blame” on my part but with HEALING KNOWLEDGE. They cant do what they do if we dont let them. At some points I wasnt aware of what he was doing, but at other points I was aware that it didnt feel right. Or I was aware he was making excuses.. I cant really explain what Im trying to express. As an example from Janines story…perhaps as she looks back she will see maybe she wont go on Internet Dating Sites, maybe she will choose to never continue on (no matter what the excuse) if she is stood up once or even twice. Maybe when she sees someone is acting jealous or says doesnt like her friends (even tho her person never even met them)… but maybe she will choose to see these things as RED FLAGS – toxic person. For me, it was choosing to NEVER EVER become sexual before really knowing, meeting, spending real time with family and friends. Just not taking the path of becoming romantically involved until much time and understanding of another is revealed.
Good for you for trying to move on from an important stage/phase of healing – going through and experiencing the pain and suffering of the event and the loss in your life. As long as we dont stay stuck in each phase/stage WE WILL MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE. Along the way I just figured out for myself – I wanted to go back and honestly see what I could have done different or once I was out of the fog go back and grasp the reality of BOTH of our involvement in my relationship. I harbored no blame or shame on myself – just an awareness that I didnt have the tools to deal with someone like him – and Ill be damned if I wasnt going to learn what I could learn , do differently going forward to protect myself and get back to being who I am and sharing my life with likeminded people! And knowing how to tell the difference now :)) Good for you Bluejay!!!!!! xo
ps.. Bluejay – HAVE A GOOD DAY! Set out to do things that will make you accomplish that. A cup of your favorite coffee, a long walk taking in the sights and scents of Spring, today is Earth Day too – plant a seed and watch it grow along with your personal and spiritual growth… I KNOW THIS SOUNDS RIDICULOUS, but its the little things we start to do, change our routine, do something for another, for ourselves — IT HELpS! We sort of have to be in the place of wanting to and being ready to have a good day or heck even a good hour or half a day… its a process, its a commitment, its a willingness to abandon some of the hurt and pain and emotion and embrace some of the love still within us and CHOOSE TO GIVE IT TO OURSELVES…
I also must share that yesterday I was walking the track at the school (something I began a few months ago – rain or shine – and its helped not only my mind but my body too 🙂 anyway as I was walking in the rain, this young little girl (maybe 7 or 8 ) went flying by me in a USA TRACK TEAM running suit, as I was turning the track and catching up to where she stopped running she was being ridiculed and abused and yelled at and treated horrible by her Mother who had a stopwatch in her hand – saying “you’re just awful,, that was terrible, you should be ashamed of yourself just “jogging” and looking pathetic out there…you’re nothing, you will never be anything because youre such an awful runner go back and do it again in the rain…. Guys, it was all I could do NOT to say something to that horrid woman. Instead I passed by as the little girl walked beside me to promptly get to the starting line on the track, tears on her face and a stride so slow that I couldnt imagine how she was going to run. I turned to her and said can I tell you something, she said yes – I said I think you are a fabulous runner – I saw how fast you were pushing yourself – I think youre amazing. sometimes Mom’s arent always right as long as you do your best – thats all that matters. She said thanks and took off like a bat out of hell from the starting line. I think she made record time because she was allowed to leave the track after her mom clocked her in on that one!! Boy oh boy what goes on in the world is why so many of us get lost along the way :((
We cant change people. We can only help change ourselves. Give our best to others who are deserving of it and continue to make choices that add to our happiness in reality not in a fantasy. xo
Learning –
I’ll be quick, having already had a good cup of coffee. What you did with that little girl was wonderful, so helpful to her. I am so sorry how we parents can fail our children at times, not liking one bit how the mother treated her child. I allow my children to be themselves, wanting them to be happy (as happy as they can be). Due to their father’s and my situation, they have known sorrow in their lives. My h-spath is impossible to deal with – it’s too hard for me. I know that I have to take time for myself, doing things that bring me pleasure. I look back at my childhood and can see how my past has made me who I am. My parents were not abusive, just not great communicators, affectionate. All of my siblings have been affected by their upbringing, in good ways and bad ways. I want so much to be healthy emotionally, but I wonder if it’s in the cards for me. It’s difficult contending with a spath on a day-to-day basis, his inability to act like a normal person. My desire is for my children to grow up feeling much loved, no matter what. They are my angels. I must remember this truth: “We can’t change people. We can only change ourselves. Give our best to others who are deserving of it and continue to make choices that add to our happiness in reality, not in fantasy.”
Janine,
I hope the days ahead are healing for you, being amazed by what some people will do.
Janine;
I am very much sorry for your experience. I had the reverse happen to me. I met somebody in person, a real charmer who led me on and just when I was being to fall for him, and really needed him, he pulled the plug on our growing relationship. The entire experience first left my head spinning, as in one week I went from feeling I found a true soul-mate to being dumped.
It was after the fact that in a weird online situation, I found out the truth about Jamie. Interesting that his online persona was the exact opposite of my personal experiences with him, Unfortunately for me, my initial reaction to these “revelations” was not one of anger and I actually found myself more drawn to certain aspects of him — pity works well.
Learning offers excellent advice. Let me add that although we have been fooled, conned and rejected, we are in fact very desirable persons. Sociopaths are not bottom feeders and they target high-value people who are attractive and caring.
What I learned is the best way to move on is to focus on the facts and actions of the sociopath, not the words. More important, avoid pitying them. Save your feelings and emotions for an honest, emotionally health person that is worthy of them — yourself.
Learning;
“Once the mask fell your Sociopath did what many others do — disappear for good.”
Thank you. I always suspected that this was the reason for Jamie’s sudden and unexpected change but had other thoughts as well. Now I know for sure.
Remember, Jamie was hiding from me the fact he was HIV positive. I also believe that since when we met I was very sick, with symptoms not inconsistent with an HIV+ person, Jamie presumed/hoped this was the case.
My revelation to him that I “might” be HIV+ meant two things: 1) up to my last test I was not; 2) I was honest and up-front.
Jamie carries a lot of self-loathing from being HIV+ and from his past. He is also dishonest. Jamie’s mask fell when my honesty and optimistic attitude when confronting this disease was evident.
A normal person would have taken my revelation as an opportunity to open-up: “I am impressed by your openness and honesty. I like those qualities in a person and as we have been dating (but not sexually active, I was too sick), I have been waiting for the moment to discuss something with you and I hope that one way or another it does not affect our relationship…”
Instead, Jamie’s mask fell and he ran.
Yes Bluejay,
I am not able to offer advice on dealing with a spath parther that you have to live with everyday. I think my advice would be to somehow find a way to get out, or if out, limit interaction. You have to always expect the unexpected with them, stay onestep ahead and find ways to nourish your inner self whenever he is not in your presence. But I cant imagine what its like day to day remaining in it after figuring out he is a bad toxic person for you.
Try to remember another does not determine your emotional healthiness – YOU DO. Another can only affect it – and that is where we make the choice of how much we are willing to take or can take before we become broken.
Your children are blessed to have you. They will feel your love for them always. part of being healthy emotionally is loving ourselves and showing that to ourselves and that others see us loving, respecting and protecting ourselves. That brought me more emotional health and well being than any other person can — and never again will another person be able to get me to stop loving and caring about myself and my children first and foremost.
Its in the cards for all of us, in fact its waiting for us — our emotional health is in our hands. You will make it too and through Bluejay. xo