Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
Yeah, Jazzy, I got my first meezer at 6. She lived til I was 17. Then when I was about 40? I got Scout, a seal=point wedgehead…the love of my life. He got lymphoma, and I had to put him down about 4 years ago…..so, after a year or so, I got Big Bookie…..but he prefers my SIL to me. 🙂
I also have my little tabby boy I rescued, who has a chronic virus of the eyes, and whose ear is crinkled up like a wavy potato chip. I’ve had him since he was about 4 weeks old…he probably would have died. HE LOVES ME. OMG, does he love me. I might be a little narcissistic seeing as how much it means to me that he loves me….but it’s all good.
I don’t know what I would have done at times in my life without their warm fur and purrs and sweet cold noses in my ear.
Besides the meezers, I had some other very special kittys, too, like Magic, and Sugar, and Goucho, and Spats…..
They all have very special places in my heart.
One-step, I love the sexy body of horses and the way they smell. Have a wonderful time!
Hi One Step (and every one else) Again thank you so much for your support and advice.
I think I was having a lonely day yesterday, part of me does want to contact her and to talk to her, but only a very small part of me and I wont act on it as I know the damage it will do, I am so much more myself now and I dont want to lose that like I did those 11 months “Matt” was in my life.
With regards to the new guy, we are only emailing as he lives about 2 hours from me, we are planning on meeting up in June, we only began emailing after I actually met him in person and we had a connection. He is really very sweet, and kind and seems genuine, but until we meet up and spend time together I wont be able to know this for sure 🙂 but I have a good feeling, a good gut feeling and no red flags so far 🙂 so I am very hopeful!
I’m slowly losing the attachment feelings I have for this person, and am replacing it with nothingness.
The Sun is shining, I’m happy and I think I’m beginning to realise that I will be ok 🙂
As we all will, we are strong souls 🙂
Much love and respect to you all
Janine
Janine, that’s GREAT! You sound wonderful!
Wondering if I could get some advice for the coming weekend. My daughter has a dance competition and I occasionlly see husband’s work friend (his daughter also dances) at these functions. First, a little history. Husbands friend J and wife K have been friends of ours for about 13 years. Last year when I thought husband was depressed (I didnt’ know the extent of what was happening at that poing), I called J and expressed concern and could you take husband fishing or golfing because he spends a lot of solitary time in the basement. J said sure, and would we want to go to dinner, the four of us? That sounded good to me.
Husband did talk to friend J and we never went to dinner and J wouldn’t return my phone call. He had been open and kind when I first spoke with him. That said, I believe husband has been telling big fibs about my mental health. I ran into J at the last dance competition and J was cold, and didn’t want to talk to me. We have taken trips with this couple and have been friends for many years.
So the point of all this is, I want to let J and K know what an A-hole husband is. I would like to set them straight on the facts. Maybe, I’m over sensitive. If I run into them this weekend, what do I do? I’m soooooooo angry that husband has been telling his friends I’m the one who is crazy. Another one of his friends called and I chatted with him for awhile, he said “you don’t sound crazy”. Makes me livid!
Hopeforjoy, don’t do it. DON’T DO IT.
First point: he is HUSBAND’S work friend. They were chosen to be friends by the spath because they posed no immediate threat to spath’s control.
Second point: any time that we make any attempt to inform spath’s choice of friends as to what a spathole they are, we end up looking like ranting, raving lunatics, period. No matter what we tell them, or how we tell them, we end up looking like angry, bitter, vicious nutbags. Read back on some of these posts and recognize the spath games.
If these people are going to be there, acknowledge them with a courteous nod and VERY superficial conversation. THEY do not need to know anything that is going on. Don’t think for a second that J isn’t going to run back to spath and run his mouth. He is a minion, which is why spath chose him and his wife to be your friends.
Brightest blessings, Hopeforjoy!
Hopeforjoy, I wanted to clarify the “friendship” thing. The “friends” that I had during my marriage to the ex spath were carefully chosen BY him. Any friends that I happened to make during that time were quickly banished for one excuse or another. Some of the “friends” that the spath chose spent time with us, too. When it came down to choosing sides, the spath already had them chosen for their duplicity and they remained loyal to HIM – I was the crazy one. I had been prescribed antidepressants. I was the one who was this, that, and the other thing.
You don’t need to defend yourself or explain your decisions, Hopeforjoy. Haven’t you defended yourself enough to the spath? THAT’S THE GIRL! You never, ever, EVER have to explain yourself again to anyone. If they don’t “get it,” they don’t get it – you aren’t responsible for their opinions, views, or beliefs.
{{{HUGS}}}
Buttons,
I will follow your advice, I know I will look like a lunatic but I want redemption! Oh well, I have LF and people like you who know the truth. I will have to write off said friends and be okay with it. My attorney said the same thing, but I have such an urge to tell people!!!! 17 years of gaslighting will do that to a person.
Thanks so very much. Lips zipped, got it. I might have to bite my tongue!
Dear Hopeforyou,
What you do is… treat people who treat you poorly like potted plants!
What you do is … focus on your daughter…enjoy the dance competition… let them see you beaming with pride and joy…smile… exude confidence and class and dignity!
What you do is … be in the reality of the moment about and with the people you care about and who care about you=== your child!!!!! Give her all of your support and attention! Light up the room with your gracious smile and loving feelings toward your daughter proud mama!
IF they choose to say hello to you… you can choose to say hello and then excuse yourself to make a phone call or use the restroom or find your daughter… you will look TOTALLY SANE, TOGETHER AND LEAVE THEIR HEAD SPINNING ABOUT WHAT IN THE WORLD IS YOUR EX TALKING ABOUT — AND ALL BY SAYING NOTHING!!!!!! EXCEPT HELLO! HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!
Learning, SUPER suggestions!!!! The child’s momentous event should be the absolute focus! It’s the little girl’s moment, not a chance to “out” the spath or worry about what anybody is thinking.
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to give a quick update and also say a HUGE thank you to you all.
I have now met the MOST wonderful guy, we have been dating for 3 weeks now, I met him at work, there are no red flags and I am really very happy.
Everything is very simple and easy with him and I feel so comfortable with him. There are no grandious declarations from him, no over the top indulgences, just a normal happy relationship.
He has met my friends and family and I am due to meet his in the next couple of weeks.
He is actually a real, lovely young man who makes me very happy.
I didnt think it was possible. I no longer think of Matt or the girl, I feel completely detatched from it all. I experience no emotions when thinking of him/her, and I finally feel myself again.
I just wanted to say to all of you still suffering, there is light at the end of the tunnel (Im sure it is little consolation right now as I know it doesnt feel that way) but the pain does fade, the memories remain, but youre able to view them in a detatched way.
Thank you to everyone for your advice.
All my love and best wishes to you all.
xx