Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
Janine, that’s so wonderful to read!
Brightest blessings to you!!!
Well its been 1.5 years since i’ve heard or seen my sociopath. he tried to contact but i changed all my phone numbers. I went cold turkey NO CONTACT! it was hard at first and then the pain subsided and could see and understand clearly now why it had to be that way: after giving this man, $40,000 and then he stole my motorcycle, i reported it to the police and the sociopath said “he returned it to me” on top of that he beat me up and then SPAT in my face for no reason…i hate to even relive that part of my life…..any how, after all that time, he contacts me today and this is what he wrote:
subj: I KNOW YOU HATE ME
I’m sorry if you find this disrespectful, but I didn’t know how else to contact you. I apologize for the way things turned out between us, and by me having a daughter, I would never want someone to treat my child that way. I was wondering if we could meet up at holuahans or a nice place to eat. I need to talk to you before I move. I have something I need to give you. I totally understand if you decline my offer, but we are all human, and we all make mistakes. Please text me or call with your response.
call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx
i have yet to respond to his email – what could he possible have for me – a check for $40,000, my motorcycle, maybe he would allow me to spit in his face…..
its just amazing how the wound feels like it opened up again, how could someone treat u so cruel and then balls up and would think i would meet him anywhere. I AM STILL NO CONTACT.
hedidn’t,
It’s a ploy, I know that one. My socio brother-in-law who is a trojan horse for my exP pulled that on me. I lived 80 miles away and he called and said, “you have to come down, I can’t tell you why, it’s really important.”
I said, “you have to tell me because I can’t afford to come down unless I know that it is important. If you really want me to come down, you’ll tell me why”
His brother had committed suicide, but I had only met him once.
likely there is something but it’s trivial compared to the real goal, which is to experience the pleasure of pulling your strings. He wants to prove to himself and you that he still has that ability. He needs supply.
Dear Hedidn’tbreakme,
If he really wanted to return something to you, he could do it without the drama, he could “I want to give you back the MONEY I stole from you, I will send a certified bank draft”
Or he could say “I want to return your MC to you, I will leave it at the police station parking lot when I turn myself in for theft and lying.”
Nah, I wouldn’t fall for that,, it is just a DRAMA RAMA to try to hook you back again. And, if you ever were to run into him again and you said “why did you steal my XYZ?” He would say “I tried to return it to you but you didn’t answer my letter” LOL
Nah, the whole thing is a FAKE bait with a big HOOK in it. Stay no contact! The best I think you will get from this guy is another spit in the face!
And, you are RIGHT, he did NOT break you! (((hugs))))
Dear HeDidn’tBreakMe
“We’re all human? We all make mistakes?”
Soso sorry. It’s very serious but…. what an fning joke.
In one sentence he absolves himself and makes you the bad guy, then hooks you with curiousity.
Your response should be silence.
ps HE’S NOT HUMAN. (no conscience = not human)
go NC, but if you just can’t go NC, respond with:
HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAH!
I wonder what has happened with janine since she posted this – it was so creepy to me….
Dear One,
Sometimes after a psychopathic relationship is “done” people do meet great persons and live “happily ever after” but many times people who are lonely, unhappy, and injured from a relation-shit with a psychopath end up with another one who hooks them while they are vulnerable and down. That was what happened to me after my husband died and I was so deeply grieving and feeling so old, ugly, fat, undesirable. boooo hooooo boooo hoooo no one will ever love me again….and presto! Along comes the psychopath and offers to “rescue” me and give me ever lasting love and fun—as long as I don’t object to his harem, his secret drinking or his controlling and verbal abuse. LOL
I hope that Janine did find “mr wonderful” and is so happy she never thinks about LF any more….but I wouldn’t bet on it.
Oxy, the funny this is, I find myself wanting someone to “rescue” me. I guess that’s why I got mixed up with my “it”. Although I am trying to break away from him now I find myself looking for someone esle to “rescue” me. How I fight that urge.
Skyler made a comment above (months ago), she said, “likely there is something but it’s trivial compared to the real goal, which is to experience the pleasure of pulling your strings.” Funny, mine did that when I wouldn’t answer his phone calls, he sent me an e-amil at 2 in the morning saying he was in an accident and needed me to call him. I didn’t call. Ha, he hit a deer with his rig and dented the hood. lol
I just read this for the first time. That was an EXTREMELY odd and weird case. Wow is all I can say. At the end when “Janine” says “I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man”…uhhhh, doesn’t she remember at the very beginning of her story when “Matt” first called her he commented about “his” voice??? It wasn’t a man! I would think she would have put two and two together at that point (at the end) and REALIZE it was NOT a man.