Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
Behindblueeyes,
Its a difficult moment to realize the person we were with/we chose, falls short in the most basic of ways… respectful, honest, open, trusting, real.
I refer to it as basic ways … because without them basically its an unhealthy relationship from beginning to end… but only can be grasped by us when it ends.
Your honesty, openness, maturity was no match for Jamie. His disrespect, dishonesty and immaturity was no match for you. You did the right thing, it never seems to help to hear that you did the right thing, but I hope you take comfort in knowing you handled it the right way. He was unable to.
He was not the one for you.
Be thankful the mask fell and he ran.
Im glad youre here and doing better with each passing day and finding clarity in the reality of your story with Jamie. Its painful and healing. But we only become stronger wiser and healthier when we face what happened in a realistic way, deal with it, and move on to the life ahead… waiting for us, patiently! Thank goodness 🙂
Dear Janine,
I recommend the book “The Emotional Rape Syndrome” because you were most definitely emotionally raped. There was a hidden agenda, there was a sudden reversal (all of a sudden “he” was “she” and gone), and as a victim, you feel extremely used and may fear you will never be able to love or trust again. Those are THE three defining traits.
Yours was a particularly BRUTAL emotional rape, leaving you to feel completely slimmed by your contact with that woman, by the way your own family was betrayed and used, etc. It makes me sick! There is not one redeeming memory! The betrayal colors EVERYTHING that took place!
Be aware that self-blame is one of the EXTREMELY damaging aftermaths of a relationship like this. What happened to you was rape. It was not an instance of personal failing. You were emotionally raped, plain and simple.
While you will read much well intentioned advise here, do NOT accept anything as true that in anyway blames you. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. That sick woman is!!!
Be gentle with yourself. As the book points out, it generally takes longer to recover from emotional rape than date rape, just as it usually takes longer to recover from date rape than stranger rape…and rape by a stranger is no picnic! It takes longer because the degree of love and trust involved is so much greater, and the damage was inflicted at a deeper level. So treat yourself as gently as someone who was raped at knife point. I’ve experienced all three kinds of rape, and I agree, what happened to you is the worst, though our courts don’t recognize it.
If there is a little voice saying “but I should of….” or “why didn’t I…”, just remember that after any tragedy people are haunted by such thoughts. After I was physically raped, I took some self defense classes. That doesn’t mean I deserved to be raped because I hadn’t taken the classes before the incidence. Sure, you have learned some lessons about things you will do differently in the future, but that is about learning self-defense. That should NOT be about blaming yourself for not having those skills earlier. If there were not sociopaths, you wouldn’t need to learn those skills. THEY ARE THE PROBLEM, NOT YOU.
You have an incredible ability to commit to a relationship, you are incredibly forgiving, you are loving, you know how to bond, you are incredibly giving, you have great patience…..those are all strengths that sociopaths take advantage of. As you heal, you don’t need to lose those strengths and in fact, they are so much a part of a loving person like yourself, that it would be hard to do so! But as you heal, you will learn how to protect those strengths from exploitation. The book I mentioned talks about making sure relationships are equal….and cutting them off when they aren’t, at least when it comes to intimate relationships.
But thank goodness for people like you!!!! You and people like you do wonderful work in the world. The very traits that the sociopath exploited, are the very traits that allow someone to teach retarded children and love it, to run animal sanctuaries, to take in an abused foster child, etc, etc. My dearest wish for you is that you find a way to give full expression to those wonderful traits in the world, while protecting yourself diligently when it comes to intimate relationships. And that you NEVER for one moment blame yourself for what happened.
YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Learning,
Thanks for your post. I had a huge bill to take care of today (one that my h-spath refused to deal with), so I’m still bristling about that. Even though my h-spath and I are separated, due to the kids I have some sort of interaction with him most days. You said that “I didn’t have the tools to deal with someone like him,” acknowledging to myself the same reality. The less I have to do with him, the better, the same being for anyone having a spath in their lives.
okay. From now on I give six chances to people. They will have a sequence of first offence, second and so on until no 6 and then it is curtains.
Sociopaths/psychopaths are very “nice” and full of “excuses” but just mark an excuse as a chance….seriously because they have not delivered and this is a red flag.
big signs that things are bad:
Confusion
hope against hope
is it me?
endless availability to his justifications
only thing to do?
Grieve the illusion, cry, talk, tell us what happened…walk the walk and talk the talk to freedom
Bulletproof,
Okay, someone lies to you ONCE, so you give them FIVE more lies before you cut them off? Hey, I am down to the ONE LIE or one RED FLAG and you are out. NO EXCUSES at all, maybe a “reason,” but NO EXCUSES.
Couldn’t meet me because your grandmother died? OK…I’ll check the obits and if your granny didn’t die, well that was an EXCUSE and not a REASON, it was a LIE—OUT DAMNED SPOT! Broke the ONE lie rule.
ONE DISHONEST BEHAVIOR–of any kind, and OUT DAMN SPOT!@....... ONE HATEFUL thing or nasty, name-calling when angry! There is NO REASON for that and excuses don’t count.
What do I need liars, dishonest people, or nasty hateful angry people in my life for? I’m at the ONCE RED FLAG AND I RUN STAGE! Keeps my life a lot more simple and P-free.
Janine,
One more thing, is NO CONTACT with her ever again. It is the only way to heal. Though your mind wants to know, it doesn’t matter if she felt something or not, she was lying and manipulating and that is NOT how you express love to someone, it has nothing to do with love. She is incapable of love. The one truth she told you is she is a sociopath. That is a permanent condition, she is incapable of love. She knows the words to the song, but not the melody.
There is a blog by M. Gallagher about no contact begins in your head. You will find it if you click on her as an author. No contact via even your thoughts is hard, but it is the quickest way to heal.
As far as what to do, try to get busy in new pursuits. This person took up a tremendous amount of your time and energy and you need something demanding to replace that with.
And if you are having trouble concentrating, etc. consider going to your physician and explain what happened and see if you are a candidate for anti-depression medication. Sociopaths get our brain chemicals all out of whack, and medication for 6 months or so can help us heal faster sometimes.
I was afraid my advice/response to Janine might be received the wrong way. I tried to stress several times that I never once looked back and re-reviewed my choices with a sense of blame or shame on myself — as I know I am kind generous giving caring person. To me its not about what my traits were – it was about what SOME of my choices/actions were.
Janine, I agree with Neveragain YOU ARE NOT THE pROBLEM… I AM NOT THE pROBLEM. SO MANY OF US WERE NOT THE ” pROBLEM”. But in my honesty MY ACTIONS at times, MY CHOICES due to not knowing how to deal with an unhealthy partner were pART of the “pROBLEM” or rather giving freedom for the “problem” to continue and grow and get bigger than life and suffocate me. In my own personal story – he lied, he cheated he stole thousands…I didnt have the tools or awareness to make the right choices = to end it – to capture the red flags and run…after looking back and seeing what I could have done differently – I now am better prepared to deal with unhealthy toxic people who try to lure me in. Im not 100percent able to but much much much more prepared now that I revisited my story with a different view and an openness to some of the things I overlooked (whether it was because I was in a fog, or was being lied to or wanted to turn a cheek – the reasons dont matter to me – what matters to me is what I could have and will do differently going forward.
I hope Janine does make changes going forward for her protection and emotional health while finding ways to give full expression to the wonderful traits she has in the world when it comes to any and all relationships.
This is never about blaming oneself, its about seeing what could be done different, with more awareness of CHOICES that can be made differently by all of us.
I too have aan incredible ability to commit to a relationship, be incredibly forgiving, and loving, and know how to bond, and are incredibly giving, with great patience” but I have to CHOOSE who I GIVE 100 percent too. I cant continue giving blindly to the ones who show me attention, shower me with gifts, lure me with words and NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH WITH ACTIONS. I must make changes within myself to protect myself. Never change my ways but strengthen and make wiser choices.
They may be strengths sociopaths take advantage of …but a sociopath can only take advantage of them if we let them continue on in our life in an “odd” way, in an “excuse making way” in a “less than normal way” ultimately leading to an “unhealthy way and unhealthy reveal” of the entire relationship.
I feel strongly about this topic and it not being a means to which it appears as though discussing this part of the relationship (our involvement) has to be viewed as accepting self-blame/self-shame. When it really is just accepting we can choose to recognize that at certain points in these toxic relationship we need to make stronger healthier choices for ourself when someone is ACTING ODDLY, TREATING US BADLY, CONFUSING US, BECOMING JEALOUS, NEGATIVE, NEVER AppEARING, OR DISAppEARS, OR LIES, CHEATS, ETC.
Janine, as i said earlier I believe this person used and abused you on an extreme emotional level. A conartist. A pathological liar.
You are not to blame AT ALL. Neither was I. What helped me moveon and heal was to look back at the red flags, see what I missed, and accept what I could have done differently every step of the way had I been more self-aware, people-aware AND HAD THE TOOLS TO DEAL WITH HIM.
I hope I didnt leave you with the impression that I thought you were to blame or the problem. My intention was to leave you with ideas on how to move on and heal without blame and shame, and with a sense of strength and resolve that you cannot change her/ him but you can make changes to protect yourself going forward.
I dont understand how so often it becomes like taboo to dare to delve into perhaps what we could have done differntly.
I know there are some really EVIL, MURDERERS, HIGH LEVEL SOCIOpATHS ON THE FAR END OF SpECTRUM that shows theres nothing we could have done differently – they were there to physically murder, rape, etc….
But I guess Im speaking for the ones who left us with the slightest bit of leeway because of their lack of truth, lack of ever appearing in our lives, or lack of consistency, or lack of making good choices before our own eyes that we may have been able to choose to not pursue, to not be curious or intrigued by their odd/unique ways and to actually get out, get away, stop, say no more and commit to it.
Saying this does not equate to self-blame. But perhaps more self-awareness, self-respect, self-love.
This post has nothing to do with Janines story. Its a general statement that we never really seem to go there – about ourselves and our choices with these kinds of people without it appearing to be as though we are self-blaming. I honestly have no self blame or shame and I went there.
Learning, I’m with you, on this one. I believe it’s part of the process of recovery, and really very healing. However, we all have to get to that point at our own speed, and I remember a time when I would have been sooo angry at the very idea.
It’s growth, really to be able to stand back and objectively take a look at ourselves.
Why on earth would I settle for that kind of shoddy treatment for so long? Why didn’t I ever call the police? What made me think he would change? What made me think I could MAKE HIM? These are just my own personal issues….but it’s been really enlightening for me to dare looking there.
It’s NOT self-blame, it’s self-acceptance, and self understanding. Really, the only way to change anything is to aknowledge it….and at least WE ARE able to self-reflect. The spaths are not. So, I say we are very fortunate, and I don’t mind so much learning about me.
Good topic. Thanks.
The one thing all of my pathological relationships had in common was me. I was there, I was attracted and I was attractive. It doesn’t hurt me to figure out why. Resolve or repeat, and I’m damn tired of the re-runs.