Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
Kim,
Im having lots of “moments” lately. Dont know what it is…but I think you are right…its a place some of us will choose to get to on our own and perhaps some of us dont ever need to go there, or believe one needs to go there.
In order for me to heal I HAD TO GO THERE. But it was LONG LONG LONG after I had HIM, HIS BAD WAYS, THE THINGS HE DID, HOW HE DID IT, WHY HE DID IT, WHY HIS FAMiLy lives in denial… I guess Ill call it the “HIM stage in my mind…I was there for a very long time, almost too long… and then I pushed myself to delve into ME :)…. my strengths and weaknesses, my giving and neediness, my unresolved past and my yearning for a certain future….
In the end, as Ive shared before I think we both fed off of eachother in a very unhealthy way , and dare I say I think we both didnt know ourselves let alone the other (i cared to know him, he could have cared less to really know me though – as he was all about himself 🙂
My story was about meeting an unhealthy toxic person and me not ever experiencing someone of that nature – as well as myself not having the strength knowledge or understanding of how to deal, get out, ACCEpt that the things he was doing were not what healthy normal guys do, that I deserved better and that I could say NO and GET OUT for my own protection. Whether it be a Sociopath or anyone without good intentions toward me/for me. Long journey, still on it, but feel by taking the time to resolve so much within me – I wont repeat! Thanks Kim!
Kim and Learning,
I think it always starts out with “them” and ends up being about “us”—-we are NOT responsible or to blame for what they did, but we are responsible for OUR CHOICES TO STAY.
Finding out the common denominator in the relationships with multiple Ps always comes back to like Kimmie said, WE are the common denominator…so something about us attracts them and something about us keeps us from sending them on their way. We can’t fix their abusiveness, but we can fix our TOLERANCE of abuse down to the healthy level of ZERO TOLERANCE FOR ABUSE. That is the time when the healing gets rolling when we can look at ourselves and accept that we accepted it….the reason doesn’t matter…we did make that choice. But now we KNOW WHAT ABUSE IS and we know we don’t tolerate it any more. We know we don’t deserve it. We trust and know we won’t allow it.
Dear all,
I was not reacting to anyone’s posts on this blog…I read the letter and then skipped straight to posting. So my comment of “While you will read much well intentioned advise here, do NOT accept anything as true that in anyway blames you. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. That sick woman is!!!” was NOT directed at anyone posting here, sorry I didn’t make it clear. Why do I stress that “you are not the problem”? Because the book on Emotional Rape stresses that and I agree. Self-blame can really add to the damage the sociopath has already done.
Engaging in self-blame can be productive, for some, I suppose. But engaging in learning self-defense is always productive and there is never a downside to it! It may seem like a matter of semantics, but when the focus is on learning to defend yourself, it keeps in the forefront of your mind that “no bad guys, no problem!” Which is true. What is wrong in being so trusting, if there are no bad guys? Nothing! If there were no exploiters out there, we wouldn’t get exploited no matter what we did. A woman can be as trusting and naive as all get out, and she would have NOTHING to fear from my husband for example. He is not an exploiter. No matter how easy a target anyone is. Won’t do it. Most of us won’t.
Whereas I think self-blame leads to negative thoughts about yourself which CAN lead to a very bad place. (For some, I realize, it just results in positive growth, nonetheless.)
I guess I would say yes, I am the common denominator if it keeps happening, but whether it was an anomaly or a pattern, I want to focus on how to defend myself and keep bad people from exploiting me. I want to be clear that I have to make changes NOT because there is something wrong or weak in me, but because there are bad guys out there.
Maybe I learn that because I was raped as a child, I’m prone to do X. STILL, IT IS NOT A PROBLEM if there are no exploiters around. But given that there are exploiters out there, I need to do Y instead of X. That is smart self-defense.
Maybe I have a tendency to ignore red flags. NOT A PROBLEM if there is no one out there waving the red flags. But since there are, I need to learn to not ignore the red flags.
I dunno. I don’t think it is splitting hairs. I think it is important to remember no matter what changes we choose to make in our lives, we aren’t doing it because we are defective, but because there are exploiters out there.
Hi Neveragain –
Since I did a majority of the responses with regard to Janines article, I really did think you were referring to my comments with well intentions as well. I was incorrect (again) 🙂
I really do agree with you that self-blame is negative and can add to the damage and lead to a very bad place.
But I respectfully disagree that for some Self-Blame results in positive growth. I just dont ever see self-blaming resulting in anything positive.
Reaffirming self- awareness, self-respect, self-love, self-trust and all the other positive affirmations that could contribute to limiting the continuation of a bad toxic relationship is something I advocate for!
You said “what is wrong with being so trusting, if there are no bad guys?”
True statement… but in the REAL WORLD THERE ARE BAD GUYS and ALWAYS WILL BE… so its always better to be self-trusting then trust everyone who hasnt EARNED your trust. Im sure your husband EARNS the trust of all of his friends and people in his life by making healthy choices and treating others with respect and kindness – now thats somebody I would let earn my trust and continue on in a relationship with.
Self-defense physically is a great way to protect ourselves. Self-awareness emotionally is another great way to protect ourselves.
Self-blame will only hurt us.
Thank you for sharing about the book Emotional Rape!
Dear Never again,
“we aren’t doing it because we are defective but because there are exploiters out there” Yes, you are right, but we must ADAPT to circumstances. In a perfect world we wouldn’t have to learn self defense, but because there are predators out there, the rabbit who learns to run fastest is most likely to survive to hop another day.
Sometimes we encounter things in our lives that like a rabbit with a broken leg make us EASIER PREY for a predator, and we need to heal that leg, or like maybe a rabbit born with only three legs, we have to learn to compensate for that missing leg…and the better we adapt to whatever our challenges are, the more likely we are to be safe from the predators. It doesn’t hurt either, to learn to recognize predators from non-predators either. By watching the environment and listening to the birds chirp, a rabbit can get some clues that it is either safe or that there is a cat stalking near by, so we need to learn to listen to our environment and also our own instincts.
But, in a perfect world we wouldn’t have to…but in this world, we must….
Neveragain,
In my opinion, physical rape doesnt fall into the category of someone having to EVER revisit whether they could have done anything different.
Being in a long-term toxic relationship could lend toward someone choosing to revisit whether there might have been different choices they could have made along the way.
Again, I respectfully 🙂 disagee that for some (especially myself) the changes I CHOSE to make after my toxic relationship were as a result of me not have the tools to deal with him and me not being self-aware as to the many choices I could have made when his behaviors surfaced (lying, cheating, head games, stealing, luring, charming, overly attentive.etc..) he was an exploiter and I WAS not self-aware enough or aware of exploiters existence.
Defective is not the right word. I was ill-prepared…
I think we are saying the same things, just in different ways.
But when rape is involved – thats a whole other healing journey – very little to do with needing more self-awareness in my opinion.
This hits home-
He came to me and was snatchted by Marshalls. He is gone. Imprisoned. I got invited to tbear the responsibility and cost of having him loose again by the legal/judicial system without ANY information even though they KNEW he was legally married to someone else. Even though they KNEW his records which I still do not.
I’m mad as hell that the privacy laws protect him from being revealed to me. I think its wrong. Flat, dead wrong.
As far as being ill prepared, yes. I didn’t know what all that behavior was and he got to me and nothing in society was there as a net to protect- not friends or family or anything else.
NObody else understood what he really was either.
Education and legal reform are NEEDED!
Holy crap, wait till One Step sees this. This sounds so much like her story.
There is a website called romancescams.org that is a good resource for people who have been scammed online or who are afraid of being scammed online.
Personally, I don’t think I could have an online romance with someone I’ve never met. The stakes are too high, especially after reading the stories here for so long. I fell for someone once after emailing for about a month. After that I knew I either needed to meet him (he was out of state) or I had to cut it off. We ended up meeting and having a brief romance that was cut short due to our geographical and age differences.
I’m so sorry for what you went through, Janine. It’s still hard for me to wrap my mind around some of the scams people are running on dating sites. After hearing so many of these stories, I took my profile off the dating site.
I can’t believe the dating sites don’t do more to protect legitimate clients. If there are any besides the women who end up here!
I keep thinking about writing a YELP about the one where I met the person who deosn’t sleep here any more and how he still has a single profile up on it.
But I think time is better spent talking to people in the legal/family court system because al of us are cured of on line dating and there are children who need protection more.