Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
Dear Silvermoon,
Those “dating sites” are P-hunting preserves! The unwary “dears” come into the range of the hunting blinds and the Ps take sight on the victims in the cross hairs! They put out BAIT to lure the poor “dears” into range of their weapons and kill without regret–either the body, mind or soul! Or all three!
The owners of the sites don’t CARE about protecting the unsuspecting “dears” as they actually pay for the priviledge of being hunted and victimized–pay for the FALSE HOPE of an honest person there instead of a predator.
Exactly, but, they should have liability.
I have had a number of predators contact me on dating sites. They are usually pretty easy to spot. Their pictures look like super model pics. And their English is usually spotty. They say they are moving to your town to start a business or something like that. They will also tell you that you are an angel sent by heaven. They usually have some sob story about how their wife just died, or they lost their family in a car accident. If you happen to write back to them, they will not respond for a few weeks. (During this time, they are scamming other people). Then they write back, all lovey dovey like you are love of their life. This seems very obvious to me, but apparently, some are a little tougher to spot. I think a good rule of thumb is to meet them at least within a few weeks so you can see if they are for real. If they come up with excuses why they can’t meet you, run for the hills!
As for the real life sociopath that I actually dated for 2-1/2 months, he was into no-shows and wild excuses. The first excuse was that he was having brain surgery. The second time he knew better than to even try to make up an excuse. He just told me he had no excuse but still wanted to be with me after that. That was when I finally ended it. It was so ridiculous to me. I had dated some strange men before, but never had anyone played these kinds of games with me. No-shows and wild excuses should be a BIG red flag.
Dear Star – I think the predator’s you described on the dating site are spam, they are actually robots trying to get your email address so they can sell it to advertisers. etc. or ‘real’ predators. The real predators then take over with very smooth language and all the other great acting talents they have..beware of robo-spaths.
I don’t know, henry. I’ve heard a lot of these guys (or women) are very successful at scamming people for money. They prey on the lonely. After they win you over with their fake good looks, sob story, and professions of love, they suddenly need money to move to your town where they were planning to start their business. Even after they know you are onto them, they will say things like, “At first it was just a con. But then I fell in love with you.” This is well documented on the romancescams.org site. I have never gotten to the point where they have asked me for money because I can usually spot them right away. Sometimes I will play with them, though. Like when they say they are moving to my town, I will ask them what part of town they are planning to move to? They are never able to answer.
Star, it is not the Lion that you spot that is dangerous, but the ones you don’t see that nail you! YOu met I believe your P on your reptile site, not even a dating site but a “common interest” site…he was much SMOOTHER than the Nigerian scammers that don’t speak good English–but he did get some trust out of you and that is what it takes to get close enough to “grab” you for whtever it is they want, money or sex or whatever…if they can’t get your trust they can’t get close enough to scam you.
Some people fall for an “obvious” scan (to you) but you fell to a scam that might have been “obvious” to me…I fell for a scam that maybe you could have seen through immediately. It just depends on your point of view what is “obvious” and what isn’t. They search for our “weak points’ —are you needy for love, validation, importance, or whatever it is that you want out of a relationship and they show it to you (mirror your desires) and BAM you are hooked! That’s why the bait for different fish is different…each one likes a different thing. So they dangle the bait they think you want out in front of your face. Sometimes they guess wrong and we see the HOOK, other times we swallow it HOOK, LINE AND SINKER!
Good point. The one I met on the reptile site did not play online games, though. He played games in person. I could have just as easily met him at the reptile store, which he frequented a lot. I don’t think his particular scam needed an online audience. He was very eager to meet me. In fact, a little too eager.
I get the same emails Star and they have a great sob story and poor english and yes moving to our location but they never know our location. But I have replied to them a few time with ‘mary had a little lamb can I borrow some cash?’ and they keep writing back to my rediculous reply, so I assumed they are automated scammer/spammers,, but what do I know – it still stings where I got hooked last time..ox is right we all percieve things differently.
Henry, Hi, I read your question last night, but it looked like you had already signed off for the evening. I did not take the spath back, but yesterday I did tell him to stop calling me and to stop coming over to my house.
The problem is… there is always a problem, isn’t there? … instead of feeling strong and proud, I am reliving the pain I went through when my fantasy crashed down all around me last year. I have had some real “snot slobbering” cries (as you so creatively call them!!) and again I feel so SAD I can’t stand it. I am still very attracted to him and wished all year long that it had worked out. I really wanted to be with that man, and I did back flips while I was with him, my mind still in the fog… thinking someday he will realize how wonderful I am, someday he will change.
So I am not happy, but holding onto the knowledge that these feelings and thoughts will eventually go away. I thought they had gone away. I hope he doesn’t pop up again. It’s not good.
Learning;
Again, you are 100% correct. I neither attracted to the “online” Jamie nor to a person as dishonest and callous as him. Funny how I learned more about him in a few minutes looking an online profile than in my time with him and what I learned is not very attractive.
My caring and empathy toward somebody lonely and in obvious pain caused me to ignore too much and the simple fact is that when I focus on his actions and not my emotions, I don’t see a very desirable person. I am even beginning to see his kind words and flattery were merely manipulative and self-serving.
The hardest part has been lack of real closure. I can only presume he knows I know he truth about him, but part of me needs more than that.
For over a year now, I avoided looking at his online profile. Out of curiosity, today I did. Sane picture, same glib content. If that was pathetic a year and a half ago, what is it now? No 35 year-old looks that young and even fratboys have more mature profiles.
Part of me wants to set up a dummy profile and call him out. Not as me, anonymously, but lure him in, then nail him with questions about his past, his HIV status, his porn habits and such, then reject him, much the way Lorraine did.
The wiser part tells me not to do this, as does the compassionate part. As I said, his complete inability to present even a reasonably accurate picture is pathetically telling, as is his lack of desire to construct a profile appropriate from a 35-year old man.