Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
SC, I’m sorry to see you are hurting so much over that creep. Make sure you stay grounded in reality–remember what he is and how he treated you. Exercise and eat well, and this will balance your emotions. You can get through this!!
Big Hugs,
Star
BehindBlueEyes,
The thing that hooks me in with these types is also my sympathy for them. Because I’ve been through the school of hard knocks, I bond with others more easily if they’ve been through hard times. Both of the sociopaths I fell for (the last one only lasting a few days) led me to believe that they had had hard lives. One went so far as to tell me he used to be in a gang and had been raped and shot. In contrast, he told the other woman he was playing that he had an idyllic life to match her happy childhood stories. Even after I found out the last guy I’d fallen for was a sociopath, I still longed for him for a long time. I had only spoken to him a few times on the phone and felt this magical connection and deep longing that I hadn’t felt in a long time (probably since the previous sociopath lol). Even after I saw what he was, I still had feelings for him. It took one last act on my part to break the connection. I called him to have “closure” for myself. He never returned the call. When I saw the cruelty in that, I was able to let go. IMO, hanging on always involves some sort of denial. You can see the outward bad behaviors, but you are still somehow in a fog of thinking there is a chance that he loves you.
Mental cruelty is something I just cannot tolerate. My life is hard enough as it is without someone trying to bring me down and crush the life out of me.
Yes, you can play him back, and it might feel good. But it keeps him in your life, even when you’re ready to move on. You have to weigh the price of keeping an involvement with him, even if it’s just for revenge.
Janene – I am very sorry for your experience – that someone could do this to you is disgusting. It seems there are several situations like this one floating around online – the online world is a perfect chance for disordered people to make up lives that don’t exist and even people that aren’t real. I am very wary of online meetings and tend to check people out via a few emails and googling them then want to meet in real life quite quickly. After you have been conned by someone you tend to be quite protective of yourself.
I hope that you are recovering from this horrible experience and will meet people more locally from now on. Not everyone in the world is a sociopath but the internet makes a great playground for people who lie about themselves and their lives. we cannot assume that everyone is as honest as we are – there are some people out there who breathe lies as we draw breath.
Please do some reading here – you will see there are many other people who have been through similar devastations with sociopaths – you are certainly not alone in the deception you suffered although not all of us have had online liaisons. Many of us suffered for years in real life with the people who shared our beds and lied to our faces. Realising you have been conned is really hard and the law is no protection against this sort of thing unless the person has committed some other kind of crime. It does get better in time though and you can start to rebuild your faith in the world by spending time with good friends and family.
Once more thankyou for sharing your experience and being willing to open up to this community. We know the pain that sociopaths cause – we have all lived through it and it hurts like nothing on earth.
CHIC:
Girl….you know what to do……REMAIN strong in your memories for your future!!!
If it hurts…..it ain’t right!
Keep it together….don’t test yourself….He ain’t changing!
YOU ARE!!!
XXOO
EB
Shabby Thanx for explaining the details. My X has showed up a few times over the past 2 years, last time was about 6 months ago, I dont know what he wanted I wouldnt open the door. But he wasnt here to try and get me back, I think it was to show off the shiny new truck he was driving, dont know if it was his or his BF’s but he that mean angry look on his face so I didnt give him the chance to talk at me.. making eye contact with them is dangerous. But at the same it put me back in a bad funk for awhile. If he had been like your X and was wanting to talk and try to get back in my heart, I think it would of been very difficult for me. Cause like you I still miss that illusion….But Shabby I can not believe anything anything anything that the guy says. I am sorry your feelin that friggin fog again, I am out of the fog forever ‘i hope’ but anyway I understand why you feel this, but love does not hurt, love does not ask why, dont let him mess with your mind….my advice is find someone nice to date and spend time with, but dont look for mister forever more, just find a nice guy to spend time with it will help get your mind off the illusionist. Shabby why have you not changed numbers to unlisted?? BOINK BOINK
Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to say thank you for all of your messages and support. For a long time I felt protective of this girl, even when I had found out who she was, that I didnt want my story published, however 5 months down the line I am healing and wanted to share my story if in any way it could help anyone else in the same situation.
I felt so stupid and to blame after it all happened, in a way, I was the one who let it continue, but I had been drawn in so far that I couldnt get out. I neglected my friends, family and changed as a person, but I am blessed as my friends and family stood by me, even when the truth came out, they didnt judge me.
I would be lying if I said that there arent days that go by that I dont think about him and her (I think of them as two different people still-as in my mind he was so real) I do miss the connection we had and the plans we had made…and for a very long time I felt that I would never have that with anyone else, the butterflies, the connection…..
However I actually met a REAL boy the other day, and I actually had butterflies, I think I was more excited about the butterflies than actually meeting him..but its made me realise that I am healing and that what happened to me WASNT my fault, doesnt make it any easier I can tell you!
It has also taught me to trust my instincts, as the whole time my gut was screaming at me, telling me something wasnt right, but I chose to ignore it.
I actually saw her a few weeks ago, she was at the same cinema as me, I didnt even give her a second glance.
Again, thank you for all your comments and advice. If anyone has any questions about anything, I will be happy to answer.
Dear Janine,
I’m glad that you are doing well and on the road to recovering your self! Your SELF! That is important and just remember no one, NO ONE, is more important than your SELF!
Be happy, with your SELF, fall in love with Your SELF, and treat others well, but make sure that they respect your SELF and treat your SELF as well as you treat them.
Always put your SELF first! Not “selfishly” but in a healthy manner realizing that your SELF is important! Is wonderful! Is valuable!
Thanks for sharing! God bless.
Dear Janine ”“
I wrote this to you last night, before reading your post today. You sound good and that is wonderful. Think I will post this regardless.
’He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.’
You will figure it all out, one step at a time. It may take a while. But it really is going to be okay. Don’t feel embarrassed. It was a con. And this is what these folks do. The internet is just a very good tool. (And don’t listen to any subtle or not so subtle innuendo intimating that you got what you can expect from being online. It is a reductive and callous judgement.)
I was spathed online and on phone by a woman pretending to be a boy. She didn’t come into my life physically but she has gone into the lives of others in a way similar to your experience.
She also pretended to be another half dozen people who I had contact with via email ”“ and one via phone. (the sister of the boy, so of course their voices were similar ”“ but they didn’t laugh like one another ”“ and believe me I pushed the hahas to find out) I KNOW that it is possible to do this. It took a VERY long time to get all the sock puppets to stay in one shoe.
She steals the details of people’s lives and their photos to con people. I know who the ppath is now, and I also know whose lives she stole. I have found all this out by sleuthing and connecting with others who know her ”“ since November of last year. The ppath of my acquaintance has been doing this crap for over 30 years. She is a pro.
As the boy she had anxiety attacks, surgeries, mental and emotional breakdowns, suicide attempts, death and resurrection——”.and I have NEVER laughed so much with anyone EVER, and spoke everyday, etc. Another of her dupes, who she conned like this for TWO YEARS went public. And is suing her for fraud.
You are right, she isn’t gay. Neither is mine as far as I can tell. A spath’s choice of who to have sex with, is innate as it is with the rest of us. But spaths choose people based out of their innate desire to manipulate and control. Sex is a tool ”“ I don’t think gender preference enters much into it ”“ it is based on who they may be able to steal from.
I know exactly what you mean by ’He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real ”’ It is the howl in my psyche, it is the howl in my revenge fantasies. It’s like she actually killed him. It’s taken months of raging pain fantasizing about killing HER for the desire to subside.
There is an incredible betrayal involved with someone pretending that they are someone we can love and laugh with, and share some amazing similarities and desires with. It is a con. I suspect that the woman you know has done this many times and will do it many times again. This woman is SEVERELY disordered, dangerous, uncaring, and NOT SORRY and probably very contemptuous of your humanity. I am a bit surprised she told you she was a spath ”“ but then again they are grandiose little btards, every one of them.
And I know this will be hard to swallow ”“ it wasn’t personal. ïŒ she set a snare, you walked into it. We wanted them to be what we thought they were, and THAT was very personal. But it wasn’t, it isn’t. I know of three more cons the ppath I know has been pulling since she conned me. and with every new piece of knowledge my understanding of what I have been dealing with expands, and the feeling that the like of me or the conning of me was personal, erodes further. And the separation between ’him’ and ’her’collapses more. And it IS hard. Because ’he’ did not love me. and, she conned me with forethought and with malicious intent. Those things are still separate for me, and make up the larger picture. It’s not a great picture, eh? But I will one day be free of it. there are gifts in this mess. And I will find them and polish them.
I want you to know you are not alone, Lf is an amazing resource, and I know very intimately what mindf**kery you are experiencing.
I have to ask you, how old was she and how old was he supposed to be?
Best,
One step
star – yah, wow, eh!
I messaged someone in the online community where i met the ppath who had had a similar expereince, with yet another nasty old woman with a keyboard.
xx one step
I’ve been 8 months clean (no contact) and for some reason ”“ I feel I had a setback.
I went on a website where my Spath’s Baby’s mother ”“ writes her daily journals ”“ she is a writer. I figured why not read what’s going on with her since I am no longer in his life (I know how dumb).
Well, I never did meet his baby’s mother over the passed 3 years we were together. I just helped him with his child on weekends (him leaving the child with me) while he did whatever. She would call him and check on the daughter and he would sit there and lie about all the things they had done that day (museum, baking cupcakes, etc.)
I always wanted to meet her but he would never wanted this to happened (I figured he was ashamed of me because I wasn’t on his baby mother’s level, because in his eyes, she was better than me). She did the same line of work as he “supposedly did, entertainment” so I think he thought she would be able to make him into a STAR because she had connections. PS: she no longer has that job ”“ so he has turned on her too.
To make a long story short ”“ She writes in her journal ”“ that after 3 years, and never meeting his girlfriend ”“ she finally gets to meet her! She didn’t understand why after all this time he decided to bring the new girlfriend around her “without letting her know” and he bought the new girl to her daughter’s birthday party. The baby’s Mother was livid about this.
She also went on to say ”“ he was ENGAGED to the women he was with for the passed 3 years”my mouth is still hung to the floor and how he lived with the girlfriend for the passed 3 years. I was in shock in Awe”.
She posed the question to her readers: Why after all this time, did he decide to bring her around? Why has he lost touch with their daughter he barely comes to see his child anymore? Why has he changed?
I want to respond back to her and say: I know why he has changed ”“ cuz he had me brainwashed to believe he was the best dad in the world, while I was taking care of your daughter and then when it was time to drop the lil girl off, he pretended that he was the best father all weekend.
I never questioned him about anything when it came to the “so called” relationship with his daughter’s mom and him. I was just silent and stupid. He used me, he took all my money $30.000. the motorcycle she sees him riding ”“ I bought it. The car he used to drive to pick up his daughter was my car!
I’ve been contemplating responding to her questions (I think she would be in shock, that I was the one helping him with their daughter, he was using my car, staying in my house and I was the women in his life all that time not this new chick). Although, I know he had many many many women (what a liar).
Or should I stay silent ”“ it really hurts ”“ to know he has the baby mama all confused. I never got to meet her after 3 years, now he is with someone and brings the chick around engaged to her to meet the baby’s mother.
The baby’s mother said he verbally tongue thrashed her ”“ she is shocked that this man has turned on her and her daughter after she him “trained” as a coparent.