Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
Dear Blue_eyes,
Our concern for others is a good part of us, but that does not mean that we are guilty of everything in the world. Or that we should take responsibility for everyone in the world.
Many if not most of us here are TOO giving and too cariing, and too empathtic for our own good. We feel like somehow we are responsble for the happiness of anyone around us or that says they want us to be responsible for them.
If you are over 18 and I am over 18, then I am not responsible for you and you are not responisible for me. The only one I AM responsible for is a child under 18 that I gave birth to or adopted. I will be nice to you, cause that is who I am, but damn it, I am not responsible for your happiness.
And vice versa!
Learning to set boundaries is not easy for me, and probably isn’t for you either….cause if it was, we wouldn’t be here at LF. BUT I am learning! I am learning to honor myself, take care of myself. Be GOOD to myself, and not take the troubles of the entire world on my shoulder.
It starts out about them, Blue, but ends up being about US!!!!
Take care, but also beware—I like swinging that skillet at good looking guys and I’ve about worn out poor Henry’s head! So I need a new victim! ((((Hugs))))
I found my ex S on dating sites. twice while we were married “he said he was just looking, ment nothing” and also after I left.
On his header he wrote ” I have a fair understanding of trust, honesty and respect and are looking for a like minded woman”
He also said he was divorced and had 2 wonderful girls that he adored, infact he had 3 girls, but he knew in his mind at the time he didn’t want to see our baby as she would be a inconvenience being only 7 months old.He hasn’t seen the other 2 daughters that he “adored” for nearly 2 years either,
and he was clearly not divorced, he still almost would have had a mark where his wedding band was. He also said he was a successful business man. Truth was he was just about to be bought to bunkrupcy by Companies that he owned $$$$$$ too and everything he had, flash cars/boats/motorbikes all financed.
I couldn’t believe it, I was so angry that the poor women on the other end would read it and think, Gee there looks like a nice bloke. So I got into his account, cracked his password and changed his Heading to I have (no) idea of trust, honesty and respect and I am looking for a nice honest naive women to rip off, take all her money and self worth.I am a Sociopath I then changed his password so he couldn’t change it. I left it there for 24 hours, hoping in my mind that I had saved some poor women looking for love.
I know it was naughty but by that stage I was so angry for everything that he had done and he was happily getting on with his life with not one ounce of truth to his life and preparing for the next con.
It is hard to meet people but after seeing my ex s profile on the dating site it was enough to make me look elsewhere.
Dani:
That is CLASSIC!
Naughty is sometimes BEST way to be!
It always amazes me that they think they are soooo clever….yet they never change passwords and ALWAYS do the same things….like clockwork.
Once we discover the con….they are real vulneralble to those of us who have learned who they are!
They do not change……
Good going girl!
Thanks Erin!
Thats why they usually want nothing to do with you when it’s over, even if there are kids involved.(which is lucky).. I stung him a couple of times and god it felt good! Made me feel a little better …..
It was nice to do it and without fear!
Take that you pathetic, bad S! lol
EB and DaniS, that was one of the post-exit flapping red flags for me that reaffirmed my decision to leave the ex. He had posted on numerous sites that he was available, looking for a “Christian” woman, etc. Oh, it was rich in fiction, if nothing else!
What is so important for men and women to understand is that the internet provides the most perfect medium for any spath to operate in with relative ease, comfort, and success. It is a veritable trolling ground for spaths, literally. They throw out the baited lures, and the empaths take a good snap at them without even considering that this person just might not have their best interests in mind, after all.
The internet is completely anonymous, and attempting to “find” a partner/companion match using online dating services, message boards, or “chat” rooms is extraordinarily risky, at the very least. We’re bombarded with these commercials for these online dating services showing these “happy” couples, etc., and how romantic and perfect the matches are. What the commercials will NEVER show is the trail of broken human beings that have been left as prey by spaths who use the cloak of internet anonymity better than any Sherlock Holmes disguise! The emotional, financial, spiritual, and physical damage is untold, and I think it would be very interesting if a study were launched to determine actual statistics as per healthy relationships vs superficial liasons that were internet-based.
Face-to-face interactions are so vital when choosing a partner, and even THAT can be easily manipulated by the savvy, resourceful spath.
I need to admit that I had a discussion with a new friend of mine that set me back a bit. I have known this person for about 6 months and he knows some of my history but little detail of my relationship with Jamie. Saturday night, we were at dinner and he alluded to recently dwelling on a person from his past I listened a bit and told him some of the Jamie story, focusing on the rejection yet my continued compassion toward Jamie, due to his HIV and other issues.
My friend is also gay, very together with over 10 years recovery from a drinking problem and knows many HIV positive individuals. I was surprised that while he acknowledged my reasons for feeling hurt and angry about Jamie’s withholding his HIV status from me, my friend focused more on Jamie’s pain and suffering, taking the point of view that Jamie’s “issues” were symptomatic of deep suffering.
He also justified that since we were not sexual and only dated for a month, he could understand why Jamie did not tell me, for example shame, or broken trust from his past.
I maintained that since we were seriously dating and HIV was the #1 issue in Jamie’s life, to not tell me, especially after all my openness toward him, was fundamentally wrong and coupled with some of his actions was functionally a lie. I did not discuss the fact that Jamie is most likely a sociopath.
This whole episode put me back in the “poor Jamie” mode and left me very depressed.
However, from the support I have gotten here, I do realize I cannot open contact, even to be a friend, as this would leave me open to manipulation.
I also decided I am not going to play him back and I deleted a profile that I setup last week on the dating website he uses. I had not looked at the website in a year and I will not look at it again.
Finally, I also realize that a lot of my “relapse” into thinking about Jamie result from both facing and recovering from open-heart surgery. That surgery was three weeks ago. Tomorrow, I will begin physical therapy during the day and once a week at night I am taking a philosophy class. I am also looking at some volunteer activities as well.
One thing I learned and this is good advice to all that the longer you stay isolated, the more time you will dwell on the toxic person in your life.
Dear Blue eyes,
You are very very insightful in that post! Plus, many times open heart surgery causes depression and what nurses privately call “cardiac cranks.” (the person becomes irritable and cranky afterwards) There has been some research about this whether it is physical or emotional or both, I think it is both, plus during the surgery itself the person may be a little short of O-2 in the blood as well.
Don’t expect your friend or even other firends to truly understand about Jamie either. For whatever reason it just isn’t much in the cards.
Glad you are getting out and about some more and doing your therapy that will be good for you in many ways. I’m also glad that you are no longer interestred in “playing” jamie any more either. Revenge generally isn’t in OUR best interest emotionally I don’t think. I personally think you have come a long way in a short time, Blue! Congratulations!!!! Good luck with your therapy!
Yes blue…..good luck to you in your physical AND emotional recovery…..
I will second what oxy said above…..
Sometimes….there is nothing to gain in fighting…..
Sometimes it’s MUCH healthier to concentrate on OUR health.
Good luck darlen…..what a trooper!!!
XXOO
EB
Blue eyes,
I am hearing that you are needing some sort of closure with Jamie that you didn’t get. I know with the 2 sociopaths I have brief encounters with I felt the same way. I wanted SO badly to give them the benefit of the doubt. I couldn’t just walk away. So I ended up forcing the closure with one last contact:
The first time, it was a guy I dated for a few months. When he started pulling no-calls and no-shows, and I caught him in some serious lies, I honestly couldn’t believe it. So I asked a long distance friend of mine to call him. She three-wayed me in. I heard him lying to her 3 times, in the most sincere voice. I was shocked but it was what I needed to hear. I immediately cut him out of my life after that. And just to fill you in, he had blamed his no-shows and no-calls on his alleged head injury which he was using to get out of the army. That’s why I was so sympathetic. The whole thing turned out to be a fraud, I found out later.
In the second case, it was a guy I’d only spoken with a few times on the phone, and we both really liked each other. Long story short, I found out he was playing another woman around the same time, and we both exposed him on the public forum. (It was actually pretty fun). But then he admitted on the public forum that he was done with the other woman and really liked me. So I was bargaining……What if….what if he REALLY likes me but is just stupid and immature? I knew in my head that I could never date or trust someone like this. But I just couldn’t walk away. So I forced the issue. I called him and left a message. He never called me back. That was all the closure I needed–the cruel discard. I was able to let go right on the spot.
It’s too bad you never got to have that one last interaction that would let you know for SURE to stay away from him. Personally, I think you’re cutting him a lot of slack for his bad behaviors. If he has already deceived you in the beginning, it will probably only get worse if he finds out he can get away with it.
If you let enough time go by, the connection you feel will start to weaken and you will move on in your life.
Recover quickly, Behind_blue_eyes!
The “poor Jaime” thing is quite typical – they figure out how to garner the greatest sympathy and “understanding” for their personal issues, and they use it to their benefit, always. Witholding a diagnosis of HIV+ (or, any other disease) is purely selfish and reeks of something sinister, to me.
The thing about healing from the spath experience is that there is no closure – not the way that we would wish to experience it, certainly. We cannot force them to “see” the consequences of their actions, nor can we fully experience any satisfaction from holding them accountable. Even if they are imprisoned for their actions, it is a shallow victory because they will never, ever, EVER accept responsibility for their actions – it doesn’t “hurt” them the way that they have chosen to hurt others. It only enrages them that Life could be so Unfair and they expend even more energy trying to justify their actions by any means possible.
Hang in there, Blue, and put all ideas of vengeance out of your mind. The focus is on you and your healing (pysically, and emotionally) and not on paying someone back or getting even. Brightest blessings to you.