Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
OxDrover;
Thanks. I think what also happened is that by going online and looking at Jamie’s profile, the fact that he is “active” means he is “available.” However, I agree with you it is not in the cards. Moreover, I must keep in mind that I would not want to date the person in that profile let alone somebody with a background and behaviors consistent with a sociopath.
I figure I have one more month of recovery before I can go back to a fully normal lifestyle and I will use that time to better myself both physically and mentally.
ErinBrock;
Not only is there nothing to gain, contact with these people only serves to fuel their ego and sense of control over you.
Thanks.
Hi Janine
Sorry this has taken some time to get back to you ”“ I don’t have access at home and I have been sick and unable to get out to the library. I wrote this a couple of days ago, but had no way to post it.
There are ’death bloggers’ out there. Usually young people who get really involved with an online community and begin to spin stories, that they then cannot get out of”and they kill off their online characters off. I wondered, before I knew who my ppath was, if in fact the boy was a ’death blogger’. But ’he’ was not; he was a sock puppet of a pyscopath.
It is possible that the girl is something other than a sociopath. But I ask you to consider that everything she has told you as the girl is also a lie. Lies to play on your feelings and get out of the mess she created as easily as possible. I understand your sense of protection of her; that it is linked to your love of matt. I really understand this.
I also understand this ’odd’ dynamic you are working with ”“ that she is both, and actually neither who she presented to you as Matt or the confused girl who got carried away. I suspect that you have not yet come to the rawer more difficult truth. And if you decide to learn more about sociopathy/pyscopathy/narcissim I think you will understand quite clearly the methods she used to con you, and that still hold you.
I asked her age, because I just wanted to make sure she was not one of two women I know of who are doing this sort of thing. Both of them are in their 50’s pretending to be boys in their 20’s and 30’s.
I am really glad that your family is there for you. I think it might be a good idea to give your dad some info about sociopathy/pyscopathy/narcissim also, so that he has the information he needs to understand how terribly messed up she is, and that she will con and lie and manipulate ”“ that you can never ever trust her.
I understand the confusing and hurting ”“ trying to relate to her”.my ppath has resurrected the boy I loved and is carrying on a relationship with another person in the online community where I met ’him’. Others email me and go, ’WTF?’ I haven’t outed her yet (but will.), so I don’t say anything ”“ but it twists my mind around that ’he’ is perceived as being who he presented himself to be and yet, I KNOW he is not. Yep, I deeply understand.
I am sure she doesn’t have many friends ”“ because she eats them. And listen to your friends ”“ THAT is the appropriate place to start”.and then to come to a place where you just don’t care anymore would be awesome.
You seem like a very compassionate soul, and know that she used this against you Janine. S/p/n snare compassionate people. They must just screech with glee when they grab one of us.
How did her family respond to your Dad? Did they know what she has been doing? If she has enough knowledge to call herself a sociopath (and they often know a lot about psychology) I suspect she may have had a pysch evaluation at some point. Again, I would say she will do this again. If she is a sociopath, I guarantee she will. The internet is too easy. Mine did it for a couple of decades before the internet”it just makes it easier for her to con more people in more inventive ways.
Your girl’s activity on the internet is not an isolated behavior Janine, it doesn’t work like that, she will be doing other things in her life that are twisted.
I am so sorry that Matt came into your life, and then was torn away from you. I know it is a great loss.
I don’t know if further discussion with her family would be helpful. What are your goals for yourself in relation to this, and for her?
Please find the things you like to do in your life and do them ”“ go out and get involved, embrace life.
Best,
one step
Stargazer;
I think the lack of closure is the real issue. While Jamie might have seen my “tracks” when I came across his profile, I cannot be sure of this. Even if he did see my tracks, he may not know I figured everything out.
But you are right there is no real closure with these people. They will never admit fault, nor will they apologize. In fact, when I spoke to Jamie about his decision regarding me, instead of showing any sense of being sorry, He immediately reminded me of our second or third date when he told me he “agreed we had a connection but he was not sure what it was…” He then made me feel confused over what happened thereafter and had no response when I reminded him what he said to me only days before.
I am going to use the experience regarding his online profile as the closure I need.
Thank you.
Buttons;
To his credit, while dating we did not have any sexual contact, partially due to a mutual desire to “know each other” before that happened and partially because I was so sick it was not wise. This was all part of the allure too, as for the first time in my life I was doing the right thing by avoiding early sexual contact. Thus, Jamie’s withholding his HIV status was emotionally sinister — it prevented any real closeness.
But all that thinking assumes Jamie is a fundamentally good person, only with issues of low self-esteem from being HIV+, like my friend’s point of view regarding Jamie. I do not accept this.
Only a sociopath would do what Jamie did to me. He dumped me the day after spending the night with me in a hospital, fully knowing I was very ill and bed-ridden with Thrush and facing the real possibility that I was HIV+.
I cannot accept that a “normal” HIV+ person, even with issues of low self-esteem, would do such a thing. It is the action of a person without conscience, without empathy and without a sense of guilt.
Ever here the expression “the best revenge is a good life?” This is my new motto.
This is a reminder and a lesson to us all…..
PROTECTION, CONDOMS and GOOD CHOICES….and let’s NOT rush it!
Well, I got two out of three right…
You did better than me blue…..
ErinBrock;
Are you OK?
Dear One Step,
I am very sorry for the late reply. I have been very busy with work! I hope you are feeling better now?
I do still have confused feelings with regards to the whole Matt/girl situation. I often speak to my friends about it, all of whom “he” spoke to, and they are all as adamant as me that it WAS a “man” we were speaking to. However deep down I know that it was her, as all the family members “Matt” spoke about as his family, are actually her family, as well as all “Matt’s” friends, they are all her actual friends too.
Plus she had all the phone numbers that I contacted, herself, Matt and Matt’s friends on. The friend “Tom” who she claimed was “Matt’s” gay friend (who used to talk to my gay friend, and wanted to date my gay friend) was also her, but he was an actual real person, whose photos she had stolen off of facebook, so I contacted this person and he had absolutely no idea what I was on about and was horrified at the thought the someone he had been talking to (obviously not as herself ”“ as someone else and was using his pictures and stories to pretend to be someone my gay friend was talking to) So again this makes me wonder how many people she has pretended to be, and if she is even using my pictures and pretending to even be me? Although as far as I am aware she has only pretended to be a guy.
When she was found out (my dad phoned to speak to her family, but she answered the phone ”“ so her family were never told) and she spoke to my dad for about an hour or so, she even offered to come over and talk to us all, and she would answer everything.
I couldn’t face seeing her as it was all so raw, so she emailed me, explaining everything as I mentioned.
When she was herself as my “friend” we did get on so well, we had great fun and I really enjoyed her company. When “Matt” used to stand me up, she would come round and comfort me. She said that when she was herself with me that she didn’t feel the need to declare her love for me, but when she was Matt, it was there and it was so real. And to be honest, I feel that it was real, well as real as it could be on the phone. She said that she wasn’t gay and did feel confused (her sister is gay)
I do still think about her, and if I’m honest I do still want to be her friend, as she told me that all the core qualities of Matt were her, and that she really didn’t mean to hurt me.
I remember one time, coming to the end of our “relationship” we had a conversation and “Matt” completely broke down, sobbing and crying and real gut wrenching sobs. It must have been hard for her living these two lives surely?
I do want to contact her, but I know that it will only re open my feelings for Matt, I guess I am still clutching that he is out there somewhere? I just don’t understand how she could have created someone so completely perfect for me?
I had a dream the other night, where I had bumped in to her and I was questioning her about the whole situation, and in my dream she told me that Matt had met someone else and that he was so in love, I actually woke up really upset. How silly is that?!
She told me that she had only been Matt the once and I guess I don’t want him to love anyone else, for selfish and not so selfish reasons. Selfish reasons being, he made me feel amazing most of the time and I guess me being the only one he has loved is something I can hold on to, the not so selfish reasons because I would never wish what has happened to me on anyone else!!
I guess I don’t really know what I want at the moment. I am however talking to a wonderful guy (REAL guy, met him at work) and its just basic talk through emails, (he seems very shy) but in a way I’m wanting the whole romance and passion that I had with Matt, although I know this is unrealistic, its what I want!
As for wanting to tell her family, part of me wants her to suffer for what she has done, to know that it isn’t right, and to stop her doing it to other people, but part of me wants to contact her family as it’s a link to her, to let her know I’m still here I guess.
Confused is not the word!!!