Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader who we’ll call “Janine.” She fell in love with a man that she met online, but he wasn’t real.
It started back in Dec. 08, I was on an online dating site and came across a profile, his picture was nice, my type, dark hair, nice face, normal handsome looking. Brief description, saying his likes dislikes etc, so I messaged him.
From there is went to msn chat and then we exchanged numbers, when he rang me he said sorry if you don’t like my voice, I had an operation when I was younger and it has changed it. Didn’t think anything of it.
We clicked straight away, got on like a house on fire, had the same sense of humour and talked for hours about nothing. We texted and talked every day all day, he suggested we meet up and being nervous as I liked him. I suggested we wait, he said yeah that is cool, so after about a month I suggested we meet — he stood me up. Now he had also brought his friend Tom into the equation, who was gay (I lived with a gay friend) who we could double date with, neither of them turned up.
Stood me up again
He was apparently in a car crash, so of course I forgave him, we chatted on again, another month went by, arranged again, he stood me up again, this time his grandad had died, so I forgave him as I couldn’t really be cross about that. He sent me presents and flowers and everything else was perfect and although I hadn’t met I fell for him, he said he felt the same, our phone relationship continued.
He constantly made plans with me, trips away, gigs, but of course nothing came of it, he was jealous, hated my friends, but our relationship, apart from the not meeting him, was great.
We had phone sex, exchanged pictures and were as close as you could be without actually meeting. I lost my mum four years ago and he told me he had lost his dad ten years ago so that bonded us too, he told me all about his family, things from his past, funny stories about his friends, colleagues, even spoke to me on the phone when his mum and friends were there. We talked babies and marriage and he still continued to stand me up, he then broke down and said that he was having panic attacks and that is why he was standing me up as he loved me so much. So he said he would get therapy, and promised me that this time with therapy it would be different.
Met his friend
In the meantime, in August he asked if he could get a friend over to drop my birthday present. So I said okay, I met her, she seemed nice and we got on, and so arranged to go to the cinema. She talked about Matt, saying how silly she thought he was but how much he thought of me, how much he talked about me and constantly said he was in love with me. She said she had never seen him like that over a girl before. They grew up together.
This friend of his and I went out once a week, texted every now and then. Matt said how much this girl liked me and how much he was jealous that she had met me.
Our relationship continued, me seeing this girl every now and then, nothing major, me and Matt making plans, getting excited about seeing each other, him telling me he couldn’t wait to see me and kiss me.
This girl then came out a couple of times, both times with me getting so upset about my situation, one time resulting in her saying she didn’t know what Matt had been telling me but that she needed to take step back from us both.
Paranoia set in
By this point I had been waiting to meet him about 10 months, my dad had got involved and Matt had called them to explain the situation, spoke on the phone to my step mum for about 20 minutes.
My paranoia had set in by this point, I loved him and wanted to be with him so I accused him of seeing someone else etc., then I started noticing little things about his friend, she laughed liked him and said things like him, when I mentioned this to Matt, he was like, really? Oh probably because we grew up together.
Read more: Catfishing — sociopathic behavior, or a phase?
So the date for us to meet came, he had phoned me that morning saying that this girl had text him saying you had better meet her, we chatted had a laugh, said how excited we were, we both went shopping he said he had bought me presents, texted me all day, even up until ten minutess before we were due to meet saying he was leaving, then nothing. Again.
He emailed me (I changed my number) saying he panicked again and that his heart ached and he would never be with anyone else and that he hated himself and that his dad would be disappointed in him, and that he loved me so much.
Googled his friend
So I decided to do some Googling, I Googled his friend, I found her profile on match.com, I remember her telling me she had one and so Googled her username, I found out that she had used other names on various websites over the years, ranging back to two or three years ago, I then found a video of her getting a tattoo on her wrist, which was the tattoo Matt showed me that he had on his wrist. And whenever I saw her she had a sweat band on that wrist, covering it, and I remember asking why and she saying oh it’s a support.
So I emailed him, quoting the username, and he deleted his email and phone number, so I emailed his other account telling him if he didn’t tell me what was going on i was going to the police.
He emailed me back, saying I am who I say I am but I made my home life up, I have a disorder where I make things up, but how I felt for you was real.
Don’t know what to believe
I then kept on at him, saying that is not true, what is the truth, I then got a message saying that he was the girl, that it had been her all along and that it started out as fun but then she started to like me which confused her as she isn’t gay and then she couldn’t stop, she said she wanted to tell me so many times, and that she was sorry and that she was a sociopath.
I don’t really know what to believe as the person I spoke to was a man, but all the numbers I had for Matt and his “friend” have been cancelled so it has to be true?
I feel used and dirty, and betrayed and hurt and I’m also mourning this man that I thought I was talking to. He was my life for 11 months, I know I probably sound pathetic but I really don’t know how to get over this. He was snatched from me, even though he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to grieve.
He was my best friend, I spoke to him daily but he wasn’t real and now I don’t know what to do.
Learn more: Free! The Basics — Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 21, 2010.
7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
dear Janine –
i understand.
completely.
I think it would be a good idea for your father the contact her parents. but it is very important that you don’t. because there is something you still need to get under your skin – she is a liar and a con artist. did you know that ‘con artist’ is the derivative of ‘confidence artist’. that’s the time honored tradition. they draw your in to their confidence. then they hurt you – they steal from you, and/or play with your emotions.
my ppath cried real bucket wrenching sobs also. almost daily. i was moved every time but the last time. my ppath lives a number of lives all the time. has for decades. decades janine, and that is probably what your girl/boy is heading for also.
so, she is a liar – only been matt once? doubt it. did she love you? no sweetie, i am sorry, she did not, he did not.
she will not suffer for what she has done – she doesn’t have the capacity – but it will alert her parents, those poor souls, to what she is doing.
i know about wanting that romance – it’s one of the things i need to change in myself. i am a romantic. didn’t know that about myself until about 2 years ago. i am terribly adventurous and am hugely romantic about that and traveling; and about ‘improbable’ things; and anything magical and fey; about art and writing. – it makes up so much of the salt of life for me. but in the area of lover relationships i cannot be so oriented. i must use my head, and choose people who are kind and capable of really being with someone else. and not choose them because there romanticisms match mine.
the reason that what she offered you was so perfect was because she mimicked what you wanted. my ppath did it to me. she has a basic story she spins. she snares people who feel a connection to that story, and then she shapes it for that person. she is quite good at it. she duped one woman – pretending to be a guy – for 2 years on the phone. 2 years janine. i don’t know if that woman will ever trust anyone ever again.
i’d suggest going out with the REAL guy for coffee,etc. If he is too shy to be with you in real life then he is too shy for you to be with period. People stick to email and texting sometimes when they are playing a number of people – i am not saying that he is, but i have just listed 2 very good reason to not let this relationship evolve via electronic means.
she’s not your friend, and if you are around her she will continue to manipulate you. and tug at your heart. she IS toxic janine – please work on getting this under your skin – she is he and he is she and they are a lie.
he isn’t out there anywhere. i had the same yearning for a long time. i can’t say it is 100% gone, but i can say it is %100 bs. When those feelings come up i let them ride through me, knowing they came from lies and deceit, so the content of them is false also.
i am pretty tired this morning and don’t feel i am doing your post justice – but know i completely understand your feelings and desires. i know that halfway place your are caught in, and know that you have to move more into the real world and out of the fantasy that was spun for you. how i hate that word fantasy, but it is what we have experienced. it felt good for a while, but it is gone now – and we have to come out of the fog, get real and get back in to REAL life – it is sweeter and more luminescent than the fantasy of the spaths.
One last important point: what you experienced would not have lasted; at some point she would have started to devalue you and it would have hurt like hell. That’s the flip side of the fantasy they create – the devalue and discard. She let you down relatively easily and that is part of the reason you still yearn. me too. but i know that the rest of the sock puppets did get nasty with me, even though the main boy did not go there. but they are all in the same shoe now. one person, malicious intent. toxic. and in my case, i have no trouble saying: evil.
take good care of yourself.
I am always here for you.
best,
one step
{{{Janine & One_Step}}} The discard…..as if human beings are of no more importance than a dirty diaper.
Janine, the fantasy is what drew you in. The friendship is what fed the fantasy for the “Matt” deception. The “friend” had too much information to work with. Right now, even the friendship fantasy is compelling, but this person will never be a “friend” to anyone – only a user, manipulator, and discarder of human damage.
When I was in my freshman year in high school, one of the girls in our core group claimed that she knew a couple of guys that wanted to meet me, and another girl. This “friend” went so far as to cut pictures out of newspapers (LONG before Facebook, MySpace, etc.) to identify these guys. My other friend and I were comlpetely enthralled – here were two guys who were being written up in the local papers for their daring accomplishments, and they wanted to meet US!!! The deception went as far as phone calls (again, before CallerId, *69, etc.) with these “guys” speaking to each one of us, in turn, and actually discussing dates. Well, the deception quickly fell apart, but it was more devastating for the perpetrator than it was for us. The perpetrator of this deception was pretty much shunned, as we all attended a very small Catholic School. When we began putting all of the “facts” together, none of it added up and this teenaged girl was outed and branded as a manipulative liar. It was really a shame for her because she had very little going for her in the way of social skills, academics, athletics, or participation. She made a conscious choice to throw away what could have been meaningful friendships simply to make herself feel valuable.
The whole point of this is that maintaining boundaries is so very, very important – many of us didn’t learn how to erect and maintain healthy boundaries, and this is the “in” for the spaths. I ALWAYS gave away too much information about myself: I was lonely, I felt ugly, I felt odd, I didn’t feel important or valued, etc. The more information that we allow, the more that the spath has to work with. They intuitively hone in on our most deepest issues.
Recently, the former spath “friend” knew that I had past abuse issues, and capitalized on them to her advantage. The other survivor of this female spath gave too much information about herself, as well: she felt lonely and isolated, was non-confrontational/non-violent, and felt inadequate. ALL of this information was used against the other survivor in a completely different facade.
No contact, Janine. That means none. Walk away with this experience under your belt and use it as some mortar to erect your boundaries! Nothing you can do or say will alter this person’s actions, not ever. You aren’t responsible for her choices, sweetie, only your own.
Brightest blessings!!!!
buttons – this is very good, thanks for making this distinction: The friendship is what fed the fantasy for the “Matt” deception. The “friend” had too much information to work with.
and thanks for the hug 🙂
janine,
Hang in, hold on and walk this way. It isn’t easy, but as life becomes clear and easier again because you have left all that subterfuge behind, you will be glad you made the choice.
it is part of what we learn here to be true over and over and over.
both you and one step have been through such an amazing deception- a story few can tell. no doubt in my mind that the complexity and depth of it is boggling.
but not forever.
one day, you’re going to say, hmm, i don’t want this to be my life and somehow, the air clears. every day you say no more is a good day and a little decision that moves you along the process to up, up and away. its a tough fight. i have a bizarre story too and i understand – its a brawl to get yourself back.
my experience is that as the process unfolds, that the urge to wheel back into the convoluted stories and figure them out becomes compulsive. And even if i stay nc and keep asking questions, the questions and the answers bring me more pain than i had before I asked.
somehow the most intensely discomforting and hurting days are followed by the most peaceful. not that i understand it, but it seems to be that way.
we waddle toward healing like kayaks that can’t be steered in a straight line. each paddle points them a little left a little right and they make it downstream any way.
i think all of us will too and from time to time we can find a little rest and encouragement here in the community where what we give becomes our own.
hugs
Hello. Just got another part-time job! Well, I am a housekeeper ‘maid’, but at least it’s an upscale ‘Inn’. I can dust the antiques. I need the money…I hope my back will hold out for a while. Ha…there were a group of 10 politicians there today…I never saw so many smiling gray pouf haired men in my life! O.k…to be honest, they were actually very sweet and quite the gentleman. In this economy, if i have to be a maid for a while, God give the the strength to be appreciative. it pays the bills, and it could be worse! the tips are o.k.
Janine…one of my nieces is named Janine…such a pretty, pretty name. I was in an antiques chat room for 2 years before my sociopath ex showed his true colors and I threw him out of my house. I thought that these folks were my friends, but within an HOUR that I kicked him to the curb he started harassing me online from a coffee house. Everything he knew about me he laid bare for all to see. Then his own addictions and short comings were projected onto to me….prescription abuse, alcohol abuse…even accusing me of having an affair with a 21 year old neighbor, and trying to seduce his 16 year old son! I was like a good sister or a stand-in-mom to both of these kids!
We bantered for a couple of days….I didn’t know about NC at that time. After a while, one of the woman from that group insinuated that I was stalking myself. I tried to protect myself, but all the bees from the hive flew in and attacked ME. I guess my problems were getting too much attention.
You can probably imagine how devastated I was. He had already isolated me, and then tried to destroy me in this little chat room that i felt I belonged. He actually threatened me, and my local police were no help. To make a long story short, with the help of LF and the local woman’s center I went no contact. I still bombarded the chatroom’s sponser, and he was kicked off (many times, under different i.d.’s). After many threats to other members of the chat room (not even related to my situation), the ‘bees’ were finally kicked off.
It has been 1 1/2 years, and I am feeling much better. It was a total betrayal…I was completely blind sided by this sociopath. Before him, I did not know such people existed.
It is not you. YOU did nothing wrong. You need to heal in your own way (therapist, LV, Women’s groups, All 3).
Most of us here never knew about these disordered people until we lived it. I’m 52, and never dealt with a sociopath (dick-headed creep) like this.
(((HUGS)))
You need to heal in your own way (therapist, LV, Women’s groups, All 3). …oops..LV should be LF…Lovefraud. (((HUGS)))
Jazzy129! Congratulations on your new job! Yeah, housekeeping is drudgery, but it’s something physical that requires focus and attention to detail. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
{{{hugs}}}
(((HUGS))) to you buttons! Yes, a bit excited….the politicians were so sweet and adorable! They all said (I Swear!) so nice to meet you, how are you!…I said…’I’m fine..thank you so much..”shaking hands.”)
The best part is, when the sociopath started stalking me I could not even go out my front door to even bring out the garbage. I was so afraid of him shooting me through the window that I stacked it in the basement. I am almost ashamed to type that.
I have come so far. TOWANDA!!!
jazzy – you’ll go from being socially comfortable to challenging those politicians!
you write a lot of stuff about your progress that just makes me smile. 🙂