By | July 14, 2011 120 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: He will not let me go

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Gloria.” She’s from Australia, and “pokies” are slot machine parlors. She would like some advice.

I am a lady that had both hips replaced, my back fused in 2 places, and my neck also fused in 2 places. I met my love fraud when going through a court case, on my hip. My son has a mental illness.

Met him at the pokies. I thought I met a wonderful man, he helped me out with my son, totally looked after me through a hip op. Told me he would look after me even if I was in a wheel chair, and even be my carer. I met his family and his parents, got engaged, was on cloud 9. If I won my court case we would get married straight away. If not, we had a back up plan, he was going to sell his unit, he is still paying off. He moved in with me within 2 months.

We were happy until I lost my court case, then he went moody, wouldn’t talk, started to blame me for every thing. I asked him to leave; it was so hard as I still loved him. Then he said he was sorry that he was so fu## up that no one would want him, and I thought we were making up. Then I didn’t hear from him, went around to his place, and he went off his head. Told me, “Did you ever think I was going to ever sell my place and be with you?” I left crying.

Later I got a message from another woman from his mobile telling me to leave them alone, she was having a relationship with him and adores him.

I didn’t see him for 6 months. Crisco food you pay off for xmas came, I had three months of his food, far too much to store, so I sms him I would leave his part on his door step, 5 mins before he got home, so he didnt have to have anything to do with me. He sms back that I have saved his life, he was totally broke, due to his work going into liquidation. That I know was bull, it was because he spent too much money at the pokies, but gave him an extra $150 of food on top.

I felt sorry for him as he has an addicted personality, first drugs, then gambling, long story ”¦ but since then, he has been saying again he’s sorry, never say never, we might get back together again, that he is not in it for the long run with her ”¦ blah blah ”¦ Any how sucked me in for 6 months. I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, and if he was to come back, get help.

Seen him out guess were? Pokies. Tapped him on the shoulder, he said, “Am only paying a little bit of money.” Asked him has he been thinking, his reply, dad ill, maybe dying, haven’t had time to think, and me and **** his partner, well 2 weeks ago we have been having big arguments over you. That told me he rubbished me again, and is not having any intentions of coming back, so I said, “Well you know what you want!” He said, “No, I still don’t know what I want.”

I left, I didn’t even make it back home, and he sms to me, “I can come and see you if you like.”

He has got us both loving him so much, she knows about me, and I know totally about her, I am trying my hardest to not give into him any more, as he lies to us both. She’s there, for money and support, and sex; I am there for sex, and when he needs someone. We women are both suckers to him. She thinks I got him into money problems, and thinks am a real bitch, when I am not, I feel for the both of us, she must be hurting too. What do you think I should do?

I cannot sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost weight. Seen the doctor, now on depression tablets. Need help, see a counselor every month. With my next part of my life, all I have done for 1 year is cry. Out of that 1 year he has been with her, he has been also seeing me for 7 months of it and still wants to. He will not let me go.


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Ox Drover

Dear Gloria,

You say “he will not let me go”—you are right, he will hang on to you as long as YOU ALLOW HIM TO.

You know what he is darling, he is a snake, a liar, an addict, and irresponsible….but YOU must ESCAPE because he will not turn you loose, he LOVES HAVING TWO WOMEN FIGHT OVER HIM.

It is not easy, Gloria….you are addicted to the FANTASY that there is anything in the future for you and him, but there is not. It is just that, a FANTASY. Keep on reading here, and learning and take back your power. Free yourself from emotional slavery to him. TAKE CONTROL of YOURSELF. (((HUGS)))) and God bless.

donna dixon

Dear “Gloria” ~

I was married for 26 years to a gambler. I thought he was the most wonderful man! He treated me so special….until after 20 years of marriage his whole demeanor toward me changed….affairs, gambling all our money away.

As much as he professed his “love” for me and that he would change ~ he never did. Just “lip service”.

My advice to you is GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY AND DON’T LOOK BACK!!! It has taken me two years after divorcing my ex that I now realize he is a SOCIOPATH!!!!

I went to GamAnon for four months!!! I thought I was losing my mind!!! It gave me the strength to realize unless a Gambler wants help and gets help …. nothing will ever change. This man is using you and the other woman.

Keep reading Love Fraud Blogs. They have helped me tremendously. It took me five years to end my 26 year marriage but now I am out and my mind is healing and I feel more comfort and peace than I have felt in years.

Please know you are NOT alone ~ and you deserve BETTER!!!


PS ~ He showed his true intentions when you didn’t win your lawsuit (He was after your money) It’s sad but true. Be thankful you didn’t marry him!!!



Yes, as long as you engage him and take him back, he will continue to be in your life. If you truly want rid of him, just tell him how you feel and what you REALLY want out of the relationship and then he will RUN. That’s what happened to me.

I can relate. I lost weight, cried (still do sometimes), was just a mess. For me, I just can’t accept the fact that mine doesn’t want me.

Hang in there and take care.



Your story sounds a lot like mine….
I have walked that walk. Don’t allow it.
Cut it off.



this is where GRAY ROCK works best.
Your spath is addicted to many things, including other peoples’ emotions. You’ve let him suck on your emotions and he wants to keep you as supply. The way you get rid of him is to give him nothing, ESPECIALLY don’t give him emotions. Channel a gray rock, become a boring gray rock that reacts and responds with the most boring, barely noticable, Mr. Spock-type responses. After a while, you will notice that he stops coming around. You will have trained him to stop thinking about you, because your responses are too boring for him to bear. The spaths need constant stimulation and if you don’t provide that he will slither away.

BTW, thank God you never won your law suit because he would have taken it all and left you in massive debt, then he would have kept coming around to remind you of your loss so he could suck on your grief.


Listen to these posts my friend. It is hard at first to swallow someone you love so dear is such a nasty person. However, based on what you have said…HE IS. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Take your power back, stop talking to him..his words are useless…his actions tell you what you really need to know. He’s not leaving her…and if he did..he would just find another to replace her while he’s seeing you. It’s broken sweetie…not your fault..but is your problem. Read through the posts on this website. I promise you will find yourself in these stories..stay open to the truth and realize you are worth more than he could ever promise you.



Ummmm he won’t let you go because YOU haven’t decided to leave. Look, we all know sociopaths will pursue you almost relentlessly, hoping to win you back but they eventually give up once they realize you’re never coming back and they can get nothing else from you. Its just that simple.


gloria – lose him. go completely no contact with him and you will begin to heal. it’s that simple. you are still in the fog of the manipulation…you need to let him go, so that you can come out of the fog – and back through the clouds and into the sun, again.


blondblue eyes/ gloria.
I know you all say that, and your right, but I feel deeply in love with him. Thats why he knows, even if I tell him I with not have contact with him, and I dont, he then contacts me. The only way its over is when he says it is. Every time he comes back, I melt, he knows it. I havent got the strenth, I wish I could. I love him, even though he has done the things he has done to me. The help that I am seeing, she is going through my life, and I now understand why its hard for me to say leave me and mean it. I have been in a abusive life all through my childhood, my father gave my mother, every abuse you could imagine. She would always tell me be quite, dont argue, just let him win, and he will stop. I used to hear at night my mother get hit from wall to wall. In the day we would hardly talk. The person I am speaking with also asked how many abuseive relationships have you been in? 4 but they hit me, and broke things, and one wrote off my car. Cos I needed it for my it was easy for me to end it and mean it. Every man I meet is so nice at the start, and I treat them like kings and they end up treating me like shit, she also said its most likely the reason why I have hit so hard with this one, is because he didnt hit me. but this kind of abuse is worse. also because, no man has ever loved me, and I thought he did. I wasnt going to come on here and write about this, I came on here as last night I cryed so much in my sleep, yes in my sleep, it just keeps hitting me so hard the things he has done, and he has been so cruel, I wake up sreaming. how, and why should he get away with this, he has just dumped me again. just two weeks ago, after seeing him again for 7 months, telling me, he is sorry, and he is not with her not for the long run, that for us, never say never, she seen me talking to him at the doctors, and I told him, later he replyed yes she bloodly well did. I havent heared from him since, but yes I sms I want closer, I dont think its over with us, It is when you say it is, when I say it is, it means nothing to you. Last time he said it was over it wasnt a nice way, but it made closer. I stayed away. I would have been able to stay away for good, but he came back. In that time, I was a total mess, I even tryed to kill my self. I was so bad, but after beening at the hospital I got help back then and just couldnt forget or work out all the whys, then he was back, having 2 of us. I wanted to know if he had intentions of coming back again, or if this quitness is the end. As its all been done before. I feel that he is mixed up, doesnt no what he wants, and just still lies to her, that nothings going on with me, 1 cos he is chicken, he doesnt want to be the bad guy, and would be worried his family would find out, 2 cos she lives so close to him just 2 houses away, that its made it hard after calling me so many names, and blames to her, he wouldnt want her to find out he was with me. 3 if she really finds out, that he could get hurt from her family, or friends. He just dosent know how to get back with me even if didnt want to be with her. It would be also his pride. I feel its been my fault that back in Dec when he came back, it shouldnt have started with friends with benifts. We should have been just freinds, as I really felt that he was going to make a move to leave her, like make her kick him out over time, but cos I let him have his way, he got comfortable, and started to forget that, and just had his cake and eat it too. So now its just like Dec again, but this time I feel she knows deep down, and instead of working to finish, its made it turn the other way. He is making up. He is leaving me. on a string. ( which I no, I no!) he didnt even answer that sms, which ment, its over, without words, or he is going to come back later. Making his mind up. which either way its cruel on me. If he was so angery after I asked him to give me closer, he would have come around and said ok, its over, now you have it. As I know him. I dont know if any of you understand me. I some times cannot work myself out. I dont go running after him, cos I cannot. he takes my love for granted. Do rememder I was going to marrie this man. I would never do what I did with any man like this, I do have morals. At the moment I am at, why, does he manage if he is just gone with no words, and kissed her feet, how and why should he get away with it, like one of you said, he gets on with his life, and I am back to square one, in so much pain again. I was thinking of doing what one of you said. in a letter, tell him what you want, and of him, and he will go running. You know I always told my mother to leave dad, (he was so much worse than my man) I mean her man, he is not my man. I have to keep telling my self that, and my mother did once end it, but got back together again, lived a terrable life with him. But she took it, and I could never understand why. I do now. Dad would never let her go either.
its in my head now I am going through emotional pain, wondering if hes going to come back again. which I want him to. ok now you can all tell me am a fool.



Welcome. No, you are NOT a fool. Wow, what an offload of emotion/trauma. Maybe you feel better now that you have shared your story ”“ I hope so, because this is where you will learn why today you feel the way you do.

My late husband grew up in a tough home. His father would beat his mother daily. This all came out when my husband had a breakdown at the age of around 40. It came out, when he went to counselling that he blamed himself (as a boy) for not ’helping’ his mum during these DV times. The counsellor explained that his father was a grown man and how could he, a boy, stop it. He realised at that point that he could not have done anything. His mother would lock him in his room (to keep him safe) but he would lay on the floor with his ear to the floorboards, listening, and every time it went quiet he thought that she was dead. He was told ’never to tell anyone’ you know ”“ what goes on inside these walls, stays in these walls. What a ’secret’ for a young kid. I guess something similar went on in your household from what you say. He was always told to ’be quiet, go to your room, don’t argue with him’.

So, what I am getting at, is that this is the life you knew. This is ’normal’. Well it is NOT. And you can break the cycle.

You ask why your mother stayed with your father ”“ it’s called trauma bonding. When we finally got my husband’s mother away to live with us (she was dying) after about 4 hours she started crying and said that she must get back to do his tea! I remember thinking WTF. But that had been her life, she could not function without him and the trauma.

So, firstly” do not NEED a man (it took me a while to understand that). No man is better than ’any’ man.

Take control. You did it before with the guy who crashed your car (you mentioned your legs, so I’m guessing you have a disability)

We have something, a tool, and it’s called NO CONTACT. NONE, no texting, no facebook, no calls, NO CONTACT.
He will come back as long as you ALLOW HIM TOO. Say NO and mean NO. He’s in and out like a revolving door. Bolt that door and the mind games will ease.

He will blame her, blame you blame the weather because hey, it could not possibly be HIM (right?)

He has no conscience, no soul, he is just a hologram image, hollow. You cannot reason with him.

You said” ’You know I always told my mother to leave dad, (he was so much worse than my man)’

Well, now I am saying those words back to YOU. What is YOUR answer?


thank you for your answer, Iwas stressed out that night, but the reason is I needed to know if he would leave me alone, I got it when he calls dont answer, dont reply. But as one lady wrote above, write to him, tell him everthing you want then he will go running. As its me that cannot say no to him even if its 6 months later. I wanted him to finish so that its finished. I dont know if you understand me. so I did, telling him so much in a letter. I sent it yesterday, he got it today. And as my mother said if he wanted to finish when he sms, she said it would have had, no, not coming back, staying were I am, now you have closer. but no it had,I read your letter still dont agree with a lot your saying but i’m not going to be nasty about it
I have a lot to think about which will take time also not well at the moment which doesnt help. I will talk to u, but cant at the moment am not trying to hurt you. which of course I started crying. I didnt sms back straight away, and about 1 hour later he sms again, did you get my last sms. I will be honest to you ladys, I am so mixed up in my head, need friends like you that understand. I really dont want to belive he is a soicalpath, but he does fit all the signs.I will let you know what happens next, as I could be heading for another let down when only 2 weeks ago it was all on. The days of our lifes will be continued. love knowing your there. thank you.


Ox Drover

Dear Gloria,

YOU love Him, but he does NOT LOVE YOU, he only SAYS he does, but he SHOWS you by his bad behavior how he REALLY feels.

I know you would LIKE to believe the “I love you” and the “sex” but it is only about HIS SEX, not yours, he is USING you as a TOY like a cat plays with a mouse it is going to kill…torturing the mouse, letting it ALMOST escape then grabbing it back…and repeating this until the mouse finally dies.

You CAN escape if you want, but he will NEVER LET YOU GO FREELY. He will continue to torture you just like the cat with the mouse.


Dear cindy, and Ox Drover, I have been reading so much on here, it is making it easyer to distance myself from him, all the storys and the comments, are going into my head, I will not say I will not talk to him at this stage, if he sms, but I feel stronger, in the way, if he was to spin me a line, and before I woulnt say nothing. I would speak back now and tell him I dont want his bull crap. I will be saying over and over if needed. I dont think he would be able to handle the assertive Gloria, and if he was to finish, as said it would be for good. I hope this strengh can just keep growing, its still only early days, only been 3-4 weeks, I expect the cat will be calling soon. I think if you read through my blogs I have got stronger. Thanks Gloria

Hope to heal

Dear blondblueeyes / Gloria ~ Oh dear, NC is the best way to get this torture finished, done, over.

If you’ve already been NC for 3 – 4 weeks, PLEASE do yourself the great favor of maintaining NC. Your strength WILL grow with each new day of NC.

Do this for YOU. You deserve so much better than to be the tortured mouse of a spath.



If you tell him you don’t want his bull crap, that will feed him. Cuss words are signs of emotions and emotions feed him Showing him your anger, feeds him and encourages him to do more outrageous things to get fed again. NC means YOU win, because he will feel the torture of no response. No response is torture for them. It’s unbelievably painful to get no response for a spath.

Ox Drover

Dear Gloria,

NO CONTACT is the ULTIMATE “assertiveness” because it gives YOU 100% CONTROL. When you talk back you are giving him ATTENTION and he wants ATTENTION at all costs, even NEGATIVE attention (a cussing). NO attention is TORTURE for them.



As Ox says NO CONTACT. Zero. No text, no phone, no email—nothing.

So, you wrote him the letter. Well done. THE END.

’I read your letter still dont agree with a lot your saying but i’m not going to be nasty about it’ ”.this means (in spath language) I want to keep you dangling, so when I need you you will come running.

’I have a lot to think about which will take time also not well at the moment which doesnt help’ this means, PITY ME.

’I will talk to u, but cant at the moment am not trying to hurt you’ this means I AM trying to hurt you (btw he succeeded because you ended up crying!)

’I didnt sms back straight away’ ok so you kept him waiting so what does he do”.
’and about 1 hour later he sms again, did you get my last sms’ this meant, shite I’m losing control, she’s not answering me.

’I am so mixed up in my head’ means HE is doing this to keep you thinking of HIM.

’I really dont want to believe he is a soicalpath, but he does fit all the signs’ means you KNOW what he is but you are still in denial and hoping that he will turn into prince charming (but he won’t)

NC NC NC NC is the ONLY way out. Good luck.

Ox Drover

CANDY!!!! RIGHT ON!!!! You translated “spath-speak” into ENGLISH and the true meaning of the words they spew! You are now a CERTIFIED BLUE RIBBON TRANSLATOR!!!!! Good for you!!!!


My x sp said to me, once, with a gleam in it’s eye: “Not even murderers like being told they are vermin all of the time, you know.” And, I thought, what an interesting ‘choice’ of words. When up until then it would admit to me nothing of it’s ill intentions towards me the whole entire time I have known it. Seriously.

Now THAT is a huge chunk of the candy bar to be biting off, ladies and gentlemen, so much so that it has almost choked me. And the whole time it enjoys the misery I have encountered along this relationship journey. I ALLOWED EVERY MOMENT TO HAPPEN.
That’s the rotten truth. I loved “IT” and wanted to help “IT” to it’s feet in this life. I endured too much because I ‘cared’. And the whole time, it was laughing and finding me very ignorant, to the point of becoming entertainment.

I have believed the “I am sorrie’s”; the “I will not it again’s”…way too many times through my own blinding and self inflicted ignorance of the person and the situation. Of course, NOBODY would treat your caring and unconditional affections that way! Certainly it is an abomination to anything and everything that is sanctified. However, what we sadly must become aware of is the RAVAGING TRUTH that yes, there ARE people like this in our world. Manipulators; liars; cons; cheats; sick people. People sometimes beyond help. All we CAN do is protect ourselves and shield ourselves and those we love from the brutality of the whole situation and move on.

Nobody likes the thought of cutting adrift from us, someone we have loved and cared about. We don’t want to cut them from our liferaft or let go…let them float and bob off out into the ocean, but sometimes it is all we can do. THAT and pray for them. Pray for OURSELVES.

I have a lot to share with you guys, a little at a time.
“Realization” kinds of things. Went to EMDR therapy today and had one of the most fascinating conversations I think I have ever had. Truly eye opening. Something about our souls ‘magnetic force’ being drawn to other certain ‘charismas’ and how they were pre destined and we are but one of the players in this massive evolution. 🙂

I hope you all are well and doing alright.
You are in my thoughts very often on this journey.


Dupedster- not for too much longer 🙂


By the way, “IT” doesn’t like letting go of me either but “IT” has no choice when I just CEASE ‘playing’ the game….

I could KISS the inventor of NC! TRULY.
It’s a little difficult at first but it becomes quite addicting! 🙂



Candy is speaking the truth. The absolute truth.
Thanks for that shot of soul protein, Candy! 🙂




Glad you are doing well!

I am back home from visiting my mom and now have access again.


Hi Louise: I hope you had a grand time at your Mom’s!
Welcome back. 🙂 I am doing alright. I have really made progress, leaps and bounds! Although my heart is still so desperately broken – shattered is more the word, I am going to make it. I am not going to give up.




You know, if I were to just sit here and stop and think about all this: my experience with this ‘creature’…and that is all I can call it, considering the complete lack of graciousness and/or concern or caring for others. If I just stop and grab a hold of myself and TRUTHFULLY look back at the experience, I can see that MY beliefs, and my caring and compassion made me a PRIME TARGET for what happened to me.

I was living a belief, inside my mind, and heart, that you trusted people until they proven you different. One strike and you were out, with me. If a person betrays you once, shame on them; if they betray you twice, shame on you.

But you see, I always believed in second chances. I lived my life by the seat of my pants on second chances. But you see, there are personalities, in this world, who are very primal, no matter the progress we like to believe is taking place in our world, in the area of self consciousness and awareness. But I have found that there is no ending to learning. The more I learn about all things, the more I realize that I could learn all there is and still not know everything. The more I learn, the more I realize I know very little.

This has been a horrid experience in all of our lives.
It has thrown us off balance and made us feel as if we were truly losing our minds. Some of us have felt like just giving up would be easier than the struggles and the battles we have been coming through. But trust me, IT IS SO WORTH IT. WE are so worth it!

We were victimized by sociopaths. Something about US allowed that to happen. I know that sounds so harsh and it did to me, too, at first, but if you think about it, “we” and “who” we are made it easy for them to victimize us in the first place and they saw it, that is why they chose us. At least in my case.

It was like I had a flashing red, neon sign on my head:
“Here I am! Take advantage of me, please. I like bleeding.”
And well, that’s like looking a free massage in the face; hmmm?

I have learned about myself that my very torrid childhood made me more vulnerable to this “IT”. “IT” took COMPLETE advantage of it. Then LAUGHED on IT’s way out the door. Not only did IT laugh, it also pee’d all over me and then threw me in the garbage. I deserved NONE of it. All the ‘reasons’ IT has are absolutely UNFOUNDED and INCORRECT and those are just the lies it tells to recruit new ‘followers’. After “IT” tells those lies for so long, it becomes to believe them. Never mind they are lies and deceptions and hallucinations, to IT they become very real.

THIS makes ‘some’ sociopaths very dangerous.
I believe the one I have been involved with is a very dangerous person. “Potentially dangerous”. If IT could do TO ME the things it has done, IT COULD DO THEM TO ANYONE.

But, getting back to what I have learned, recently: It is absolutely imperative that I never have any contact with IT ever again. No grand illusions of ‘reuniting with doves flying and harps playing’! It is over. You see that was the tough part because they instill this sense of ‘bonding’ that makes you actually think you can’t do it without them and you believed them and trusted them because they were so convincing. That isn’t ‘OUR FAULT’…there is no ‘fault’ to it. If there is ANY fault, the fault rests with the “ITS” in our lives.

Growing up the way I did, I couldn’t WAIT to get my own spot in this world. My own place, where it could just be all mine and I would live in peace and quiet and leave all the dysfunction of childhood behind me. I excelled in school; excelled in college; while still providing for and maintaining four growing children.

Sometimes in life there are no excuses nor reasons but only action. That was certainly one of those moments. Hungry minds and mouths don’t accept anything less.

“I” made this happen. “I” accept responsibility for being so naive and ignorant as to what was happening to me. Should I be punished for my perceptions of kindness and should I stifle those gifts because I am fearful of dropping into another web?

Do I become jaded with people and say ‘this is it’; I am going to become ALL ABOUT ME. But, if I choose to do that, am I any better than the spath, lacking compassion and emotion?

I think there is a healthy balance and I am going to find that, somehow, someway. I over-compensated for the shock, horror and dismay of growing up and beyond, by being NICE when I truly should have been locking up the people who deserve it. There are some that truly do deserve it. Truly.

I am saddened that our world has come to a point in time that the kind and the compassionate must stifle themselves in order to survive. My PTSD does not allow me to settle for anything but the best in people so I am a hermit, as much as possible.
Sometimes, friends from the past will reach out and drag me into their antics but that doesn’t happen often anymore.

I have been asked to maybe write a book about my experiences. I have said many times that it was so horrid going through it THE FIRST TIME, I certainly don’t want to re-live it again. I have always strived to let all the bad inspire me to a greater good, as much as humanly possible.

I am grateful to the Angels for this wonderful gift we have that is life. I will never let another rain on my parade, again. 😉

Love & Blessings



Dear Louise: My heart is with you. So sorry about your Mom…
How old is your mother? I took care of alzheimer patients for a long while and I know how tiring it can get. I am so sorry. xxoo
I will keep you and Mom in my thoughts and prayers.

It is all we CAN do is make THE BEST of everything.
We have no other options. “I” am not about to just give up, roll over and die. The spath would love that way too much! 🙂 I don’t give up THAT easily! 😉

Hang in there Louise; you can do this.
Find that well and sparkle of ‘amazement’ with life, deep inside and let it take you away to a life of peace….

Love ~



I related to what you said above about being NICE when we should have been locking people up or in my case reporting them in a different way. Why do I always feel like I can’t do that or I shouldn’t do that?? Well, not anymore and I won’t feel guilty about it either! 🙂



My mom is 76. If you took care of Alzheimer’s patients, you know what my brothers and I face. It is extremely frustrating and sad at the same time. She hasn’t been diagnosed because she refuses to go to the doctor. She’s a very defiant one.

Thanks for your kind words! 🙂


…because we are too nice Louise…..
As dismayed as I am by this, I guess I will have to just learn to ‘stifle’ myself from now on. I deserve SOME of this life without all the chaos and drama….”IT” is fading from my mind quickly now…but most importantly: from my heart.

My thoughts will be with you and your Mom and family.
My Grandfather was ‘tough’ like that too…never wanted to ‘give in’ and go…then it got to be too late….

Just hang in there…the Angels are with you…


Ox Drover

Dear Louise,

Unfortunately, in order to “forcibly” take control of your mother’s person and estate even for her own good, she will have to be “declared” incompetent by a court of law.

In order to do this, she will have to be PRETTY FAR GONE….which means that she does not know “who the president is” or other information such as that. If she is a “danger to herself and or others,” you will have to call 911 and have them come out and the paramedics will determine if she is indeed a danger and take her to the ER…but again, she would have to be raging.

I suggest that you contact an attorney who is a specialist in ELDER LAW or ESTATE PLANNING…and get him/her to advise you on how you should proceed. It will be the BEST money you ever spent in helping you and your brothers decide what to do to safeguard your mother’s safety and estate for her benefit.

I know it is difficult especially in that stage where their JUDGMENT is gone, but they still “know who the president is”—-just like my 83-year old neighbor down the road is legally “sane” but his judgment is SO POOR he is being paupered by a “meth ho” he took in. He is already poverty stricken but she is taking everything he has left and shows up on the first of each month when “the check” comes and leaves about the 15th when there is no longer any food in the house and the electric has been shut off. He refuses to cooperate with his daughter for his own safety or good. I help keep an eye on him, and found him last month with the electric shut off (which with a well meant he had no WATER either.) His truck had 2 flat tires and his cell phone was dead. I took him a meal and some water but I no longer give him money, and then called his daughter. He has run out of neighbors to “borrow” money from and has sold everything of any value at all that he had, so things are getting dicey for his continued survival (literally) and in this heat without electric he could die. Unfortunately, there is nothing that anyone can do but just sort of keep an eye on him.


He rang to say he was going to see me. He didnt, the tears havent come at all, still feeling strong, and I cannot be bothered anymore.Thanks you have been helping.

Hope to heal

Dear Blondblueeyes ~ Why not save yourself the trouble and don’t take his calls? Bless you dear, please take care.



Don’t you let “IT” get down inside and hurt you.
Those feelings are destructive to us. They are like slow time-bombs and were meant to be that way. Stay strong and have no contact with “IT”. Cut your losses and do it right away.

They ALWAYS say the things we WANT to hear.
You are worth more than you are being given.

Take care of yourself and welcome to our family.




farwronged: they just keep coming back until they find another reason not to. But I don’t think they ever leave us alone. At least in my experience. They keep coming back because they expect us to be the same person we were before the ‘explosions’.

They come back in childish, twisted, ways…
having other people contact us; texting and just being a real STALKER and harasser because they don’t want us to forget them. It is up to US to resist the thoughts. We KNOW what we have been dealing with. We KNOW things are not ever going to be right. How can a person ever make some of the things we have been through ‘right’ with a simple, cheap, ‘I am sorry! THERE: does that make it better?!” Well, actually, no. It doesn’t.

The amount of disrespect and disregard for my life and well being and/or anyone elses is purely unacceptable. There are no explanations sufficient to support a forgiveness of any kind. The only regard it deserves is NOTHING. THAT is what it deserves.


We are being punished because we figured it out and it is using our affection and our caring as a tool and a weapon because it doesn’t have anything else at it’s disposal.

“IT” wasn’t the ‘trauma’….”IT” was the ‘trigger’ for the doors to open to myself. To grow and to learn and to jump those hurdles. Change is a very painful process. But change is necessary if we are ever going to survive this.

Stress kills. I have come back from the brink to definitively say: stress does kill. They don’t deserve our lives.

farwronged: I can so completely relate. My “IT” comes back every 3 months whether welcomed or not. Like clock work; I could set my watch or calendar by it. It comes back over and over to see if there is anything it can ‘glean’ from us, yet, still. In my case, my “IT” is hoping I will be swooned or threatened into dropping legal charges and I seriously doubt that is going to happen.

An attempted contact was made the day before yesterday. I still have NOT uttered a peep and don’t intend to. I said every word to “IT” that will ever be said and I meant every one. END OF THAT STORY.

Stay strong. Be true to yourself. Take care of yourself.
Refusing to participate any more has afforded me the much needed, HEALTHY, peace of mind I needed after my heart attack and “IT” STILL persists as much as I don’t want it to.



Well thank you Ms Ox Drover for the blue ribbon award, but it must be said, I learned from a grand master (or is that mistress? No that does not sound quite right!!)



Sigh. Yep, it’s really hard with my mom. I bet if I asked her who the president is, she would not know. She gets ups, fixes her hair, makes the bed, washes dishes, washes clothes, but can’t remember anything literally from one moment to the next. She didn’t remember a friend had visited the day before. She cannot even operate the thermostat…when I got there, the thermostat read 87 degrees! She HATES to hear the furnace run; absolutely cannot stand it so she won’t let it run long enough to cool the house down. I told her she is going to die from the heat. Because she doesn’t know how to operate the thermostat despite the fact that my brothers and I have showed her literally probably a 100 times, she just turns it off. She also doesn’t bathe and smells really bad…can you imagine that in 87 degree heat?? But…how do you have someone declared mentally incompetent who still does the house chores, goes out to get the mail, feeds my brothers dogs?? It’s so hard. She is in absolute, total denial when you tell her she needs help. She will not go to the doctor. So I have decided I need to call a professional in and let them take care of it. She’ll have a fit, but I am doing it for her.

Sorry to hear about your neighbor. That sounds like a very bad situation. Sounds like his daughter has tried to help to no avail. Do I know how that feels!!!

Ox Drover

Dear Louise,

If her short term memory is that bad, and if she is not taking care of her personal bathing needs, etc. then she **IS*** A DANGER TO HERSELF….get to that attorney and he will advise you how to proceed in your state.

I know it is difficult and she will be ANGRY, but because of her shot term memory problems, her ANGER won’t last forever.

It is an unfortunate fact of life that you and your brothers must become the PARENTS (protectors) to your parent and it is difficult I know.

With really bad short term memory she can burn the house down by putting on a pan and forgetting it….or some other thing that makes her UNSAFE to live alone. Also very elderly people will dehydrate in the heat FASTER than younger people AND they do not have the sensation of thrist that is normal so they don’t drink enough, they also don’t control body temperature normally and sometimes don’t sweat enough either, so there are all kinds of problems that can literally KILL HER…I suggest you and your brothers get together and have a talk and then one of you be delegated (or more) to go talk to the attorney and get a guardianship hearing going….she WILL be mad, but possibly it will save her life. If you don’t act and something really bad happens you will have difficulty forgiving yourself. Just do the best you can to get her help even if she doesn’t want it, at least you tried….((((hugs))) and my prayers.


wow louise you have had a rough trot, I myself think you needed to get her the help she needs, else she will only get sicker, who will look after you if your sick?

I have just about read all the blogs you wonderful ladys have wrote in, thank you to Louise, Ox Drover, Candy, Duied in Social, and Hope to heal, if I missed out any please forgive me. Thanks for wecoming me to the family. Gloria



So sad about your mother things must be very trying for you.



It is rough. I have been down ever since I came back from my mom’s (she lives 400 miles away). I have to make some decisions.



Thanks…it is very trying. It’s always something you know…


The good thing about a sociopath is that they distract us from really important issues.



Good point…true!


behind_blue_eyes says:

“The good thing about a sociopath is that they distract us from really important issues.”

Yah; that’s right: distraction is what it is.
Something sort of like having THE PLAGUE!!!!!



telling me, they distract us from really important issues, when I read louises blog about her mother, for once, I stopped and thought how self centrered I had become, people have worse problems to deal with, but they really do distract us, he had made a pain that was in my heart so so painful, any hwo enough of him, louise I thought a 45min drive was a long way. All I can say, your doing a good job, your doing your best, and if she had her wits about her, even just a dot, she will know that, and understand its all for the best, my heart is with you. Gloria


Louise, Dear: My heart goes out to you about your Mom. I am so sorry. Ox’s advice was excellent and I wouldn’t hesitate taking it NOT FOR A MOMENT.

I am so sorry for you that you have to come through all of this.
Just know my thoughts, love and prayers are with you…




Thanks so much. I had talked about this last week I think where I mentioned that when stressful things happen to me, I tend to think about the X spath MORE. It almost seems like I use him as a crutch; to forget about the current hurt I am going through. It doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe it’s just because I still hurt so badly over what he did to me that I would rather just think about that than deal with the current hurts. I don’t know.

Yeah, it’s a 6 1/2 hour drive (at best) so it’s tough. I go about four times per year and call her everyday. I still haven’t decided exactly what I am going to do.

Don’t feel bad about focusing on your pain. We all do it and it’s part of healing. We all tend to get hung up with what is happening to us. Hang in there…we will all be better some day.



Thanks, Duped. Oxy’s advice is excellent and spot on and I will definitely heed it. I just haven’t made a move yet. It’s hard to make a decision when they are bad, but not bad enough that they are totally incapacitated. Sigh. I know I need to do something though.


You will be alright Louise. You are a bright, wonderful, caring, mindful woman and I will remember you always in my thoughts and prayers. xxoo



Thanks. I guess that’s why it hurts even more about the X spath. I am so caring and giving and that he could treat me that way just rips my heart out. But we are all the same…we are all caring and empathetic and have had our hearts tramped on. We will survive.


They chose us because of our hearts and our caring and empathy. More than trampled on. Just vile what they have done to us. But that is the mark of the devil: to defile all that is pure and holy. Right? They are the ultimate losers in all this and once you look at it that way, it all makes sense and Karma really does fit in.

I am just like you, Louise: soft hearted; caring to a fault; unconditionally…they don’t deserve either one of us. We are going to be alright and come through all this because we are the ones who have the heart and the goodness inside, where they don’t. All they have are empty lives filled with lies and deceptions. They will never come to know what ‘love’ is.

That is what I told it when I saw it last, 3 months ago, when I threw its head into the curb: “Don’t speak to me of love; because you do not have a clue what that word means.” And it’s true and was true and is true. They will never come to know the depth of which we love and care, Louise. They will never have that in their lives and they despise us for having that ‘extra something’ that they will never have.

That is why they chose us.
And why we are choosing to send them packing!!!!! 🙂

*Hugs Louise*
Have a good night of peaceful, blissful dreams…


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