Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Gloria.” She’s from Australia, and “pokies” are slot machine parlors. She would like some advice.
I am a lady that had both hips replaced, my back fused in 2 places, and my neck also fused in 2 places. I met my love fraud when going through a court case, on my hip. My son has a mental illness.
Met him at the pokies. I thought I met a wonderful man, he helped me out with my son, totally looked after me through a hip op. Told me he would look after me even if I was in a wheel chair, and even be my carer. I met his family and his parents, got engaged, was on cloud 9. If I won my court case we would get married straight away. If not, we had a back up plan, he was going to sell his unit, he is still paying off. He moved in with me within 2 months.
We were happy until I lost my court case, then he went moody, wouldn’t talk, started to blame me for every thing. I asked him to leave; it was so hard as I still loved him. Then he said he was sorry that he was so fu## up that no one would want him, and I thought we were making up. Then I didn’t hear from him, went around to his place, and he went off his head. Told me, “Did you ever think I was going to ever sell my place and be with you?” I left crying.
Later I got a message from another woman from his mobile telling me to leave them alone, she was having a relationship with him and adores him.
I didn’t see him for 6 months. Crisco food you pay off for xmas came, I had three months of his food, far too much to store, so I sms him I would leave his part on his door step, 5 mins before he got home, so he didnt have to have anything to do with me. He sms back that I have saved his life, he was totally broke, due to his work going into liquidation. That I know was bull, it was because he spent too much money at the pokies, but gave him an extra $150 of food on top.
I felt sorry for him as he has an addicted personality, first drugs, then gambling, long story ”¦ but since then, he has been saying again he’s sorry, never say never, we might get back together again, that he is not in it for the long run with her ”¦ blah blah ”¦ Any how sucked me in for 6 months. I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, and if he was to come back, get help.
Seen him out guess were? Pokies. Tapped him on the shoulder, he said, “Am only paying a little bit of money.” Asked him has he been thinking, his reply, dad ill, maybe dying, haven’t had time to think, and me and **** his partner, well 2 weeks ago we have been having big arguments over you. That told me he rubbished me again, and is not having any intentions of coming back, so I said, “Well you know what you want!” He said, “No, I still don’t know what I want.”
I left, I didn’t even make it back home, and he sms to me, “I can come and see you if you like.”
He has got us both loving him so much, she knows about me, and I know totally about her, I am trying my hardest to not give into him any more, as he lies to us both. She’s there, for money and support, and sex; I am there for sex, and when he needs someone. We women are both suckers to him. She thinks I got him into money problems, and thinks am a real bitch, when I am not, I feel for the both of us, she must be hurting too. What do you think I should do?
I cannot sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost weight. Seen the doctor, now on depression tablets. Need help, see a counselor every month. With my next part of my life, all I have done for 1 year is cry. Out of that 1 year he has been with her, he has been also seeing me for 7 months of it and still wants to. He will not let me go.
Dear Gloria,
You say “he will not let me go”—you are right, he will hang on to you as long as YOU ALLOW HIM TO.
You know what he is darling, he is a snake, a liar, an addict, and irresponsible….but YOU must ESCAPE because he will not turn you loose, he LOVES HAVING TWO WOMEN FIGHT OVER HIM.
It is not easy, Gloria….you are addicted to the FANTASY that there is anything in the future for you and him, but there is not. It is just that, a FANTASY. Keep on reading here, and learning and take back your power. Free yourself from emotional slavery to him. TAKE CONTROL of YOURSELF. (((HUGS)))) and God bless.
Dear “Gloria” ~
I was married for 26 years to a gambler. I thought he was the most wonderful man! He treated me so special….until after 20 years of marriage his whole demeanor toward me changed….affairs, gambling all our money away.
As much as he professed his “love” for me and that he would change ~ he never did. Just “lip service”.
My advice to you is GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY AND DON’T LOOK BACK!!! It has taken me two years after divorcing my ex that I now realize he is a SOCIOPATH!!!!
I went to GamAnon for four months!!! I thought I was losing my mind!!! It gave me the strength to realize unless a Gambler wants help and gets help …. nothing will ever change. This man is using you and the other woman.
Keep reading Love Fraud Blogs. They have helped me tremendously. It took me five years to end my 26 year marriage but now I am out and my mind is healing and I feel more comfort and peace than I have felt in years.
Please know you are NOT alone ~ and you deserve BETTER!!!
LOSE HIM !!!
PS ~ He showed his true intentions when you didn’t win your lawsuit (He was after your money) It’s sad but true. Be thankful you didn’t marry him!!!
Gloria:
Yes, as long as you engage him and take him back, he will continue to be in your life. If you truly want rid of him, just tell him how you feel and what you REALLY want out of the relationship and then he will RUN. That’s what happened to me.
I can relate. I lost weight, cried (still do sometimes), was just a mess. For me, I just can’t accept the fact that mine doesn’t want me.
Hang in there and take care.
GLORIA: GET RID OF THE DEMON!
TRUST ME: YOU ARE BEING PLAYED.
THE MISSING PART ONLY LASTS A WHILE AND THEN THE LIGHT WILL COME. :::WARNING:::WARNING:::
Your story sounds a lot like mine….
I have walked that walk. Don’t allow it.
Cut it off.
DUPED
Gloria,
this is where GRAY ROCK works best.
Your spath is addicted to many things, including other peoples’ emotions. You’ve let him suck on your emotions and he wants to keep you as supply. The way you get rid of him is to give him nothing, ESPECIALLY don’t give him emotions. Channel a gray rock, become a boring gray rock that reacts and responds with the most boring, barely noticable, Mr. Spock-type responses. After a while, you will notice that he stops coming around. You will have trained him to stop thinking about you, because your responses are too boring for him to bear. The spaths need constant stimulation and if you don’t provide that he will slither away.
BTW, thank God you never won your law suit because he would have taken it all and left you in massive debt, then he would have kept coming around to remind you of your loss so he could suck on your grief.
Gloria,
Listen to these posts my friend. It is hard at first to swallow someone you love so dear is such a nasty person. However, based on what you have said…HE IS. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Take your power back, stop talking to him..his words are useless…his actions tell you what you really need to know. He’s not leaving her…and if he did..he would just find another to replace her while he’s seeing you. It’s broken sweetie…not your fault..but is your problem. Read through the posts on this website. I promise you will find yourself in these stories..stay open to the truth and realize you are worth more than he could ever promise you.
RUN GLORIA RUN>
Ummmm he won’t let you go because YOU haven’t decided to leave. Look, we all know sociopaths will pursue you almost relentlessly, hoping to win you back but they eventually give up once they realize you’re never coming back and they can get nothing else from you. Its just that simple.
gloria – lose him. go completely no contact with him and you will begin to heal. it’s that simple. you are still in the fog of the manipulation…you need to let him go, so that you can come out of the fog – and back through the clouds and into the sun, again.
blondblue eyes/ gloria.
I know you all say that, and your right, but I feel deeply in love with him. Thats why he knows, even if I tell him I with not have contact with him, and I dont, he then contacts me. The only way its over is when he says it is. Every time he comes back, I melt, he knows it. I havent got the strenth, I wish I could. I love him, even though he has done the things he has done to me. The help that I am seeing, she is going through my life, and I now understand why its hard for me to say leave me and mean it. I have been in a abusive life all through my childhood, my father gave my mother, every abuse you could imagine. She would always tell me be quite, dont argue, just let him win, and he will stop. I used to hear at night my mother get hit from wall to wall. In the day we would hardly talk. The person I am speaking with also asked how many abuseive relationships have you been in? 4 but they hit me, and broke things, and one wrote off my car. Cos I needed it for my legs.so it was easy for me to end it and mean it. Every man I meet is so nice at the start, and I treat them like kings and they end up treating me like shit, she also said its most likely the reason why I have hit so hard with this one, is because he didnt hit me. but this kind of abuse is worse. also because, no man has ever loved me, and I thought he did. I wasnt going to come on here and write about this, I came on here as last night I cryed so much in my sleep, yes in my sleep, it just keeps hitting me so hard the things he has done, and he has been so cruel, I wake up sreaming. how, and why should he get away with this, he has just dumped me again. just two weeks ago, after seeing him again for 7 months, telling me, he is sorry, and he is not with her not for the long run, that for us, never say never, she seen me talking to him at the doctors, and I told him, later he replyed yes she bloodly well did. I havent heared from him since, but yes I sms I want closer, I dont think its over with us, It is when you say it is, when I say it is, it means nothing to you. Last time he said it was over it wasnt a nice way, but it made closer. I stayed away. I would have been able to stay away for good, but he came back. In that time, I was a total mess, I even tryed to kill my self. I was so bad, but after beening at the hospital I got help back then and just couldnt forget or work out all the whys, then he was back, having 2 of us. I wanted to know if he had intentions of coming back again, or if this quitness is the end. As its all been done before. I feel that he is mixed up, doesnt no what he wants, and just still lies to her, that nothings going on with me, 1 cos he is chicken, he doesnt want to be the bad guy, and would be worried his family would find out, 2 cos she lives so close to him just 2 houses away, that its made it hard after calling me so many names, and blames to her, he wouldnt want her to find out he was with me. 3 if she really finds out, that he could get hurt from her family, or friends. He just dosent know how to get back with me even if didnt want to be with her. It would be also his pride. I feel its been my fault that back in Dec when he came back, it shouldnt have started with friends with benifts. We should have been just freinds, as I really felt that he was going to make a move to leave her, like make her kick him out over time, but cos I let him have his way, he got comfortable, and started to forget that, and just had his cake and eat it too. So now its just like Dec again, but this time I feel she knows deep down, and instead of working to finish, its made it turn the other way. He is making up. He is leaving me. on a string. ( which I no, I no!) he didnt even answer that sms, which ment, its over, without words, or he is going to come back later. Making his mind up. which either way its cruel on me. If he was so angery after I asked him to give me closer, he would have come around and said ok, its over, now you have it. As I know him. I dont know if any of you understand me. I some times cannot work myself out. I dont go running after him, cos I cannot. he takes my love for granted. Do rememder I was going to marrie this man. I would never do what I did with any man like this, I do have morals. At the moment I am at, why, does he manage if he is just gone with no words, and kissed her feet, how and why should he get away with it, like one of you said, he gets on with his life, and I am back to square one, in so much pain again. I was thinking of doing what one of you said. in a letter, tell him what you want, and of him, and he will go running. You know I always told my mother to leave dad, (he was so much worse than my man) I mean her man, he is not my man. I have to keep telling my self that, and my mother did once end it, but got back together again, lived a terrable life with him. But she took it, and I could never understand why. I do now. Dad would never let her go either.
its in my head now I am going through emotional pain, wondering if hes going to come back again. which I want him to. ok now you can all tell me am a fool.
blondblueeyes
Welcome. No, you are NOT a fool. Wow, what an offload of emotion/trauma. Maybe you feel better now that you have shared your story ”“ I hope so, because this is where you will learn why today you feel the way you do.
My late husband grew up in a tough home. His father would beat his mother daily. This all came out when my husband had a breakdown at the age of around 40. It came out, when he went to counselling that he blamed himself (as a boy) for not ’helping’ his mum during these DV times. The counsellor explained that his father was a grown man and how could he, a boy, stop it. He realised at that point that he could not have done anything. His mother would lock him in his room (to keep him safe) but he would lay on the floor with his ear to the floorboards, listening, and every time it went quiet he thought that she was dead. He was told ’never to tell anyone’ you know ”“ what goes on inside these walls, stays in these walls. What a ’secret’ for a young kid. I guess something similar went on in your household from what you say. He was always told to ’be quiet, go to your room, don’t argue with him’.
So, what I am getting at, is that this is the life you knew. This is ’normal’. Well it is NOT. And you can break the cycle.
You ask why your mother stayed with your father ”“ it’s called trauma bonding. When we finally got my husband’s mother away to live with us (she was dying) after about 4 hours she started crying and said that she must get back to do his tea! I remember thinking WTF. But that had been her life, she could not function without him and the trauma.
So, firstly”..you do not NEED a man (it took me a while to understand that). No man is better than ’any’ man.
Take control. You did it before with the guy who crashed your car (you mentioned your legs, so I’m guessing you have a disability)
We have something, a tool, and it’s called NO CONTACT. NONE, no texting, no facebook, no calls, NO CONTACT.
He will come back as long as you ALLOW HIM TOO. Say NO and mean NO. He’s in and out like a revolving door. Bolt that door and the mind games will ease.
He will blame her, blame you blame the weather because hey, it could not possibly be HIM (right?)
He has no conscience, no soul, he is just a hologram image, hollow. You cannot reason with him.
You said” ’You know I always told my mother to leave dad, (he was so much worse than my man)’
Well, now I am saying those words back to YOU. What is YOUR answer?