Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Gloria.” She’s from Australia, and “pokies” are slot machine parlors. She would like some advice.
I am a lady that had both hips replaced, my back fused in 2 places, and my neck also fused in 2 places. I met my love fraud when going through a court case, on my hip. My son has a mental illness.
Met him at the pokies. I thought I met a wonderful man, he helped me out with my son, totally looked after me through a hip op. Told me he would look after me even if I was in a wheel chair, and even be my carer. I met his family and his parents, got engaged, was on cloud 9. If I won my court case we would get married straight away. If not, we had a back up plan, he was going to sell his unit, he is still paying off. He moved in with me within 2 months.
We were happy until I lost my court case, then he went moody, wouldn’t talk, started to blame me for every thing. I asked him to leave; it was so hard as I still loved him. Then he said he was sorry that he was so fu## up that no one would want him, and I thought we were making up. Then I didn’t hear from him, went around to his place, and he went off his head. Told me, “Did you ever think I was going to ever sell my place and be with you?” I left crying.
Later I got a message from another woman from his mobile telling me to leave them alone, she was having a relationship with him and adores him.
I didn’t see him for 6 months. Crisco food you pay off for xmas came, I had three months of his food, far too much to store, so I sms him I would leave his part on his door step, 5 mins before he got home, so he didnt have to have anything to do with me. He sms back that I have saved his life, he was totally broke, due to his work going into liquidation. That I know was bull, it was because he spent too much money at the pokies, but gave him an extra $150 of food on top.
I felt sorry for him as he has an addicted personality, first drugs, then gambling, long story ”¦ but since then, he has been saying again he’s sorry, never say never, we might get back together again, that he is not in it for the long run with her ”¦ blah blah ”¦ Any how sucked me in for 6 months. I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, and if he was to come back, get help.
Seen him out guess were? Pokies. Tapped him on the shoulder, he said, “Am only paying a little bit of money.” Asked him has he been thinking, his reply, dad ill, maybe dying, haven’t had time to think, and me and **** his partner, well 2 weeks ago we have been having big arguments over you. That told me he rubbished me again, and is not having any intentions of coming back, so I said, “Well you know what you want!” He said, “No, I still don’t know what I want.”
I left, I didn’t even make it back home, and he sms to me, “I can come and see you if you like.”
He has got us both loving him so much, she knows about me, and I know totally about her, I am trying my hardest to not give into him any more, as he lies to us both. She’s there, for money and support, and sex; I am there for sex, and when he needs someone. We women are both suckers to him. She thinks I got him into money problems, and thinks am a real bitch, when I am not, I feel for the both of us, she must be hurting too. What do you think I should do?
I cannot sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost weight. Seen the doctor, now on depression tablets. Need help, see a counselor every month. With my next part of my life, all I have done for 1 year is cry. Out of that 1 year he has been with her, he has been also seeing me for 7 months of it and still wants to. He will not let me go.
Back_from_the_edge
Yes, if you allow it to. The hardest part is the realization that THIS is what has happened. THAT was the hardest part for me. I was emotionally and psychologically ‘controlled’ for just about 5 years by this maniac. I had NO CLUE. Absolutely none as to what I was dealing with although I recognized ‘something’ was wrong with it, the way you would a baby bird in the yard, having a hard time flying…
It takes work and effort to change this horrid nightmare inside ourselves. We can just file it away in the back of our minds, but the bonds are too strong to do that. So we ruminate because we are experiencing technical difficulties upstairs, in our heads. NO CONTACT affords that spot where you can just stop, take a deep breath and concentrate on ourselves. We earned it!
I know you loved ‘them’, I loved mine too. It’s a horrid, horrid thing when someone does to you the things they have done to us. But they don’t care; get it? They don’t care, are never going to substantially apologize nor make things right; the rainbows aren’t going to come out and birds sing. It is just OVER. And it has to stay OVER for not only my physical well being but my emotional and mental as well.
What I am basing my emotions on are nothing but a web of lies and deceptions that I was made to believe was real. It wasn’t; NONE of it was. You have to realize and come to terms with the fact that they did something horrible to us and it’s over. As long as we refuse to participate any further, the ‘circus show’ STOPS. Let them go – don’t feel bad. At least not to the point that I was: I worked myself right straight into a major cardiac arrest and I refuse to allow this to take what’s left of me. There is no choice. It is now a matter of survival for me. In more ways than one. It’s alright. I am making my way.
It IS an addiction. It IS. Our bodies and our minds are connected through a wonderful maze of electrical charges and chemicals. The events we have been through has altered the levels of those chemicals and that is what we are experiencing. Some of us more than others; some of us WITH PTSD and MDD and others of us not, I am sure. But the one common thread is that YES: this has been an addiction and we need to recognize it as such and also recognize the symptoms we experience for what they truly are and not think we are crazy or insane because we aren’t. Our mind and bodies are out of whack; out of sync by the experiences we have come through, respectively.
No contact affords our minds and bodies the chance to recover. There is no other way. And I believe with all my being that it WILL eventually fade away, if we will just ‘let it go’ inside and learn how to ‘tame’ that broken soul.
candy
blondblueeyes
’just crying about how he has treated me’ REMEMBER THIS SENTENCE YOU WROTE? Focus on this. You are crying because of how he treated you. So now to the other stuff in your post.
’my head thinks even still now, is he a spath’ He is a spath. All of the stuff you write in your post SHOWS he’s a spath. Looks like you are into the bargaining phase. ie if I do this/that he will come back and we will live happily ever after. Well NO that is not how it would be, and in your head you know that.
’I have a metally ill son’ – THIS young man is YOUR priority.
’and was going to marrie me’ ”“ this is what they do, promise the love and happy ever after. He would have promised to marry a frog if it got him what he wanted.
’he just couldnt deal with it all’ ”“ well this bit IS true. Why? Because it would always be about HIM. He would leave you to rot in bed because he has no conscience.
’Thats why after all this time thats gone he as realised he did love me, and now wants to maybe come back, but he knows what he will be marrying’ ”“ YIKES ”“ you are offering him everything and what’s he offering in return? ZILCH.
’he doesnt know if he could be there for me that much, so he has to think about what he really wants’ ”“ here you go, IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM
’he did sms me, for a chat, but not much later, sms again to say sorry daughter needs me, will be in touch’ – more than likely his girlfriend turned up and he had to cut you short with some old excuse about his daughter.
’Is he just affraid, or ”..’ ”“ NO he’s a spath.
I have been very forthright in my post because he’s messing with you and you need a BOINK.
On a personal level – I have had numerous operations on my leg (2 new hips in my 30’s) and the doctors told me I would be in a wheelchair by the time I was 50. But I’m hanging in there. And if/when my leg gives out THEN I will deal with what needs to be done. I will not rely on some spath to do it for me.
So come on. We CAN live without a spath. Do it for YOU, do it for your SON. And well done for staying NC it shows that you DO have the strength.
skylar
Blond,
listen to Candy. She is right.
This person is a spath because he is dangling all your hopes and dreams in front of you like a carrot, knowing full well that he has no intention of ever fulfilling those promises. You are lucky that he actually is telling you this. My own spath would make promises and pretend to be working hard at keeping the promises, but in fact, he was just pretending. In the end, he pretended to fail through no fault of his own.
Take a good look at what this person is doing to you emotionally. that’s all you need to know.
blondblueeyes
thought I would come on, just to let you know. I am doing the N/C, but its killing me, he sms again on sunday 2 times since I didnt reply and said he will try again later in the week. I am still, even what he has done to me maddly in love with him and its hurting me so badly. I will not come on here for awhile, as I will say the same thing over and over. having a very hard time copeing with it all, love you all, Gloria
Hope to heal
Dear Blondblueeyes ~ Please find a way to block his number. Then he cannot send you sms. If you cannot block his number, at least do yourself the favor of deleting the sms without reading it. You are only torturing yourself by reading them. Please do this for yourself!
We are here for you. Reading here has helped me get through some difficult times. It can help you too. Post when you feel the need. There are lots of folks here that want to help. God bless!
h2h
Ox Drover
Dear Gloria,
Dear you are in love with the ILLUSION of what he is….but what he REALLY IS is a LIAR, A CHEAT AND AN ABUSER….H2H is right, block the messages if you can, if not DO NOT READ THEM because that is contact and only hurts YOU. God bless…and it is okay to say the same thing over and over…we’re here to be your support and comfort! There were people here for us when we needed it as you do today! (((hugs)))
superkid10
I made a bit of a mistake, I let the Spath in my life again recently.
Instead of being 100% engaged this time, I’ve taken a bit of a back seat, watching things develop. I’m watching the lovebombing, the “I only loved you”, “I only want good things for you” “You know me better than anybody”
I’m also watching the mysterious disappearances – he just goes “off line”, disappears, which used to cause me untold anxiety and tears.
I realized I DO allow myself to get tied up in the “is he a spath or is he not”. He has a serious anxiety disorder. I’ve been reading a textbook by Aaron Beck about anxiety disorders and temporarily convinced myself that maybe he’s not a spath but just suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).
I’ll spare Oxy the task of boinking me over the head with a frying pan, because lying, no matter what the reason, means it’s a toxic relationship.
When he went offline this time, I dropped into a state of anger, depression, anxiety, and then I saw the pattern, and I am feeling okay about it now.
Skylar rightly pointed out to me that this is really about ME, not about him. Why am I letting this happen to me again? I do feel abused just by the conversation.
This is a great question.
I think in my therapy with my therapist I’m spending too much time on psychoanalysis (my mom abused me) – to the point of over complicating things, and it’s gone beyond the range of usefulness. I think I need to focus on something more action oriented – he will reach out, he will enter my life again, how am I going to respond so that I’m not in a puddle of anxiety and tears?
I also don’t know what void I’m trying to fill. I’m 45, I feel I guess the hum drum of life. I don’t know. This is what I have to work on. Sky, thanks for pointing that out.
I feel strengthened by the folks on this site, for your boinking and your support, I know I still have work to do.
Superkid
candy
Gloria – hang in there. Say the same thing over and over if it helps.
Am I right in thinking that each time he sends you a text, your heart skips a beat? You do not respond and then you think he MUST care because he texts you again?
It’s all part of his cat and mouse game. Toys with you, lets you go, catches you again. Same old same old.
We THINK we love them, we want to go on thinking we love them and that they love us. Well, they don’t. Our feelings are true but theirs are not.
Eventually they destroy us and that’s why most of us are here.
But, there is hope. Block him. You do not need to read the stuff he sends, it will just mess with your head. And that is what he wants.
Make this about YOU. You deserve better.
coping
I am so numb and exhausted at the moment I don’t know what to do. My son is sick so I am trying to keep close watch on him to make sure things are ok.
I am at the point of exhaustion.. The breaking point.. I have met with an attorney and am convinced my spath will never go away. Im trying to distinguish the rules from reality. Frankly I just want to give in and call him… Offer him money just to go away and leave us alone. However I know he wouldn’t this is a sick game to him. For gods sake I have played by the rules, done it all right, while he’s taken, lied, beaten, and destroyed everything within me. I just can’t do this anymore.. There seems to be no end in site. I’m lost. I just want to be rid of him, after all the pain still he fights. Why wouldnt he.. He’s never had to pay any real legal or financial consequences. My sin and I can’t live like this anymore. It will never end.
coping
I don’t know the correct path anymore.. I don’t know what do do. I just want this to end. Maybe I’m just not thinking clearly now from exhaustion. I cannot believe how screwed up the legal system is. If he doesn’t play by the rules why should I? I don’t know…