Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Gloria.” She’s from Australia, and “pokies” are slot machine parlors. She would like some advice.
I am a lady that had both hips replaced, my back fused in 2 places, and my neck also fused in 2 places. I met my love fraud when going through a court case, on my hip. My son has a mental illness.
Met him at the pokies. I thought I met a wonderful man, he helped me out with my son, totally looked after me through a hip op. Told me he would look after me even if I was in a wheel chair, and even be my carer. I met his family and his parents, got engaged, was on cloud 9. If I won my court case we would get married straight away. If not, we had a back up plan, he was going to sell his unit, he is still paying off. He moved in with me within 2 months.
We were happy until I lost my court case, then he went moody, wouldn’t talk, started to blame me for every thing. I asked him to leave; it was so hard as I still loved him. Then he said he was sorry that he was so fu## up that no one would want him, and I thought we were making up. Then I didn’t hear from him, went around to his place, and he went off his head. Told me, “Did you ever think I was going to ever sell my place and be with you?” I left crying.
Later I got a message from another woman from his mobile telling me to leave them alone, she was having a relationship with him and adores him.
I didn’t see him for 6 months. Crisco food you pay off for xmas came, I had three months of his food, far too much to store, so I sms him I would leave his part on his door step, 5 mins before he got home, so he didnt have to have anything to do with me. He sms back that I have saved his life, he was totally broke, due to his work going into liquidation. That I know was bull, it was because he spent too much money at the pokies, but gave him an extra $150 of food on top.
I felt sorry for him as he has an addicted personality, first drugs, then gambling, long story ”¦ but since then, he has been saying again he’s sorry, never say never, we might get back together again, that he is not in it for the long run with her ”¦ blah blah ”¦ Any how sucked me in for 6 months. I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, and if he was to come back, get help.
Seen him out guess were? Pokies. Tapped him on the shoulder, he said, “Am only paying a little bit of money.” Asked him has he been thinking, his reply, dad ill, maybe dying, haven’t had time to think, and me and **** his partner, well 2 weeks ago we have been having big arguments over you. That told me he rubbished me again, and is not having any intentions of coming back, so I said, “Well you know what you want!” He said, “No, I still don’t know what I want.”
I left, I didn’t even make it back home, and he sms to me, “I can come and see you if you like.”
He has got us both loving him so much, she knows about me, and I know totally about her, I am trying my hardest to not give into him any more, as he lies to us both. She’s there, for money and support, and sex; I am there for sex, and when he needs someone. We women are both suckers to him. She thinks I got him into money problems, and thinks am a real bitch, when I am not, I feel for the both of us, she must be hurting too. What do you think I should do?
I cannot sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost weight. Seen the doctor, now on depression tablets. Need help, see a counselor every month. With my next part of my life, all I have done for 1 year is cry. Out of that 1 year he has been with her, he has been also seeing me for 7 months of it and still wants to. He will not let me go.
blondblueeyes
thank you for your answer, Iwas stressed out that night, but the reason is I needed to know if he would leave me alone, I got it when he calls dont answer, dont reply. But as one lady wrote above, write to him, tell him everthing you want then he will go running. As its me that cannot say no to him even if its 6 months later. I wanted him to finish so that its finished. I dont know if you understand me. so I did, telling him so much in a letter. I sent it yesterday, he got it today. And as my mother said if he wanted to finish when he sms, she said it would have had, no, not coming back, staying were I am, now you have closer. but no it had,I read your letter still dont agree with a lot your saying but i’m not going to be nasty about it
I have a lot to think about which will take time also not well at the moment which doesnt help. I will talk to u, but cant at the moment am not trying to hurt you. which of course I started crying. I didnt sms back straight away, and about 1 hour later he sms again, did you get my last sms. I will be honest to you ladys, I am so mixed up in my head, need friends like you that understand. I really dont want to belive he is a soicalpath, but he does fit all the signs.I will let you know what happens next, as I could be heading for another let down when only 2 weeks ago it was all on. The days of our lifes will be continued. love knowing your there. thank you.
i
Ox Drover
Dear Gloria,
YOU love Him, but he does NOT LOVE YOU, he only SAYS he does, but he SHOWS you by his bad behavior how he REALLY feels.
I know you would LIKE to believe the “I love you” and the “sex” but it is only about HIS SEX, not yours, he is USING you as a TOY like a cat plays with a mouse it is going to kill…torturing the mouse, letting it ALMOST escape then grabbing it back…and repeating this until the mouse finally dies.
You CAN escape if you want, but he will NEVER LET YOU GO FREELY. He will continue to torture you just like the cat with the mouse.
blondblueeyes
Dear cindy, and Ox Drover, I have been reading so much on here, it is making it easyer to distance myself from him, all the storys and the comments, are going into my head, I will not say I will not talk to him at this stage, if he sms, but I feel stronger, in the way, if he was to spin me a line, and before I woulnt say nothing. I would speak back now and tell him I dont want his bull crap. I will be saying over and over if needed. I dont think he would be able to handle the assertive Gloria, and if he was to finish, as said it would be for good. I hope this strengh can just keep growing, its still only early days, only been 3-4 weeks, I expect the cat will be calling soon. I think if you read through my blogs I have got stronger. Thanks Gloria
Hope to heal
Dear blondblueeyes / Gloria ~ Oh dear, NC is the best way to get this torture finished, done, over.
If you’ve already been NC for 3 – 4 weeks, PLEASE do yourself the great favor of maintaining NC. Your strength WILL grow with each new day of NC.
Do this for YOU. You deserve so much better than to be the tortured mouse of a spath.
h2h
skylar
Gloria,
If you tell him you don’t want his bull crap, that will feed him. Cuss words are signs of emotions and emotions feed him Showing him your anger, feeds him and encourages him to do more outrageous things to get fed again. NC means YOU win, because he will feel the torture of no response. No response is torture for them. It’s unbelievably painful to get no response for a spath.
Ox Drover
Dear Gloria,
NO CONTACT is the ULTIMATE “assertiveness” because it gives YOU 100% CONTROL. When you talk back you are giving him ATTENTION and he wants ATTENTION at all costs, even NEGATIVE attention (a cussing). NO attention is TORTURE for them.
candy
blondblueeyes
As Ox says NO CONTACT. Zero. No text, no phone, no email—nothing.
So, you wrote him the letter. Well done. THE END.
’I read your letter still dont agree with a lot your saying but i’m not going to be nasty about it’ ”.this means (in spath language) I want to keep you dangling, so when I need you you will come running.
’I have a lot to think about which will take time also not well at the moment which doesnt help’ this means, PITY ME.
’I will talk to u, but cant at the moment am not trying to hurt you’ this means I AM trying to hurt you (btw he succeeded because you ended up crying!)
’I didnt sms back straight away’ ok so you kept him waiting so what does he do”.
’and about 1 hour later he sms again, did you get my last sms’ this meant, shite I’m losing control, she’s not answering me.
’I am so mixed up in my head’ means HE is doing this to keep you thinking of HIM.
’I really dont want to believe he is a soicalpath, but he does fit all the signs’ means you KNOW what he is but you are still in denial and hoping that he will turn into prince charming (but he won’t)
NC NC NC NC is the ONLY way out. Good luck.
Ox Drover
CANDY!!!! RIGHT ON!!!! You translated “spath-speak” into ENGLISH and the true meaning of the words they spew! You are now a CERTIFIED BLUE RIBBON TRANSLATOR!!!!! Good for you!!!!
Back_from_the_edge
My x sp said to me, once, with a gleam in it’s eye: “Not even murderers like being told they are vermin all of the time, you know.” And, I thought, what an interesting ‘choice’ of words. When up until then it would admit to me nothing of it’s ill intentions towards me the whole entire time I have known it. Seriously.
Now THAT is a huge chunk of the candy bar to be biting off, ladies and gentlemen, so much so that it has almost choked me. And the whole time it enjoys the misery I have encountered along this relationship journey. I ALLOWED EVERY MOMENT TO HAPPEN.
That’s the rotten truth. I loved “IT” and wanted to help “IT” to it’s feet in this life. I endured too much because I ‘cared’. And the whole time, it was laughing and finding me very ignorant, to the point of becoming entertainment.
I have believed the “I am sorrie’s”; the “I will not it again’s”…way too many times through my own blinding and self inflicted ignorance of the person and the situation. Of course, NOBODY would treat your caring and unconditional affections that way! Certainly it is an abomination to anything and everything that is sanctified. However, what we sadly must become aware of is the RAVAGING TRUTH that yes, there ARE people like this in our world. Manipulators; liars; cons; cheats; sick people. People sometimes beyond help. All we CAN do is protect ourselves and shield ourselves and those we love from the brutality of the whole situation and move on.
Nobody likes the thought of cutting adrift from us, someone we have loved and cared about. We don’t want to cut them from our liferaft or let go…let them float and bob off out into the ocean, but sometimes it is all we can do. THAT and pray for them. Pray for OURSELVES.
I have a lot to share with you guys, a little at a time.
“Realization” kinds of things. Went to EMDR therapy today and had one of the most fascinating conversations I think I have ever had. Truly eye opening. Something about our souls ‘magnetic force’ being drawn to other certain ‘charismas’ and how they were pre destined and we are but one of the players in this massive evolution. 🙂
I hope you all are well and doing alright.
You are in my thoughts very often on this journey.
*BIG HUGS TO YOU ALL*
Dupedster- not for too much longer 🙂
Back_from_the_edge
By the way, “IT” doesn’t like letting go of me either but “IT” has no choice when I just CEASE ‘playing’ the game….
I could KISS the inventor of NC! TRULY.
It’s a little difficult at first but it becomes quite addicting! 🙂
Duped