Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Gloria.” She’s from Australia, and “pokies” are slot machine parlors. She would like some advice.
I am a lady that had both hips replaced, my back fused in 2 places, and my neck also fused in 2 places. I met my love fraud when going through a court case, on my hip. My son has a mental illness.
Met him at the pokies. I thought I met a wonderful man, he helped me out with my son, totally looked after me through a hip op. Told me he would look after me even if I was in a wheel chair, and even be my carer. I met his family and his parents, got engaged, was on cloud 9. If I won my court case we would get married straight away. If not, we had a back up plan, he was going to sell his unit, he is still paying off. He moved in with me within 2 months.
We were happy until I lost my court case, then he went moody, wouldn’t talk, started to blame me for every thing. I asked him to leave; it was so hard as I still loved him. Then he said he was sorry that he was so fu## up that no one would want him, and I thought we were making up. Then I didn’t hear from him, went around to his place, and he went off his head. Told me, “Did you ever think I was going to ever sell my place and be with you?” I left crying.
Later I got a message from another woman from his mobile telling me to leave them alone, she was having a relationship with him and adores him.
I didn’t see him for 6 months. Crisco food you pay off for xmas came, I had three months of his food, far too much to store, so I sms him I would leave his part on his door step, 5 mins before he got home, so he didnt have to have anything to do with me. He sms back that I have saved his life, he was totally broke, due to his work going into liquidation. That I know was bull, it was because he spent too much money at the pokies, but gave him an extra $150 of food on top.
I felt sorry for him as he has an addicted personality, first drugs, then gambling, long story ”¦ but since then, he has been saying again he’s sorry, never say never, we might get back together again, that he is not in it for the long run with her ”¦ blah blah ”¦ Any how sucked me in for 6 months. I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, and if he was to come back, get help.
Seen him out guess were? Pokies. Tapped him on the shoulder, he said, “Am only paying a little bit of money.” Asked him has he been thinking, his reply, dad ill, maybe dying, haven’t had time to think, and me and **** his partner, well 2 weeks ago we have been having big arguments over you. That told me he rubbished me again, and is not having any intentions of coming back, so I said, “Well you know what you want!” He said, “No, I still don’t know what I want.”
I left, I didn’t even make it back home, and he sms to me, “I can come and see you if you like.”
He has got us both loving him so much, she knows about me, and I know totally about her, I am trying my hardest to not give into him any more, as he lies to us both. She’s there, for money and support, and sex; I am there for sex, and when he needs someone. We women are both suckers to him. She thinks I got him into money problems, and thinks am a real bitch, when I am not, I feel for the both of us, she must be hurting too. What do you think I should do?
I cannot sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost weight. Seen the doctor, now on depression tablets. Need help, see a counselor every month. With my next part of my life, all I have done for 1 year is cry. Out of that 1 year he has been with her, he has been also seeing me for 7 months of it and still wants to. He will not let me go.
Back_from_the_edge
WELL DONE CANDY! SPATH SPEAK TRANSLATOR.
Candy is speaking the truth. The absolute truth.
Thanks for that shot of soul protein, Candy! 🙂
Dupedster
Louise
DUPEDSTER:
Glad you are doing well!
I am back home from visiting my mom and now have access again.
Back_from_the_edge
Hi Louise: I hope you had a grand time at your Mom’s!
Welcome back. 🙂 I am doing alright. I have really made progress, leaps and bounds! Although my heart is still so desperately broken – shattered is more the word, I am going to make it. I am not going to give up.
*HUGS DEAR*
Dupedster
Back_from_the_edge
You know, if I were to just sit here and stop and think about all this: my experience with this ‘creature’…and that is all I can call it, considering the complete lack of graciousness and/or concern or caring for others. If I just stop and grab a hold of myself and TRUTHFULLY look back at the experience, I can see that MY beliefs, and my caring and compassion made me a PRIME TARGET for what happened to me.
I was living a belief, inside my mind, and heart, that you trusted people until they proven you different. One strike and you were out, with me. If a person betrays you once, shame on them; if they betray you twice, shame on you.
But you see, I always believed in second chances. I lived my life by the seat of my pants on second chances. But you see, there are personalities, in this world, who are very primal, no matter the progress we like to believe is taking place in our world, in the area of self consciousness and awareness. But I have found that there is no ending to learning. The more I learn about all things, the more I realize that I could learn all there is and still not know everything. The more I learn, the more I realize I know very little.
This has been a horrid experience in all of our lives.
It has thrown us off balance and made us feel as if we were truly losing our minds. Some of us have felt like just giving up would be easier than the struggles and the battles we have been coming through. But trust me, IT IS SO WORTH IT. WE are so worth it!
We were victimized by sociopaths. Something about US allowed that to happen. I know that sounds so harsh and it did to me, too, at first, but if you think about it, “we” and “who” we are made it easy for them to victimize us in the first place and they saw it, that is why they chose us. At least in my case.
It was like I had a flashing red, neon sign on my head:
“Here I am! Take advantage of me, please. I like bleeding.”
And well, that’s like looking a free massage in the face; hmmm?
I have learned about myself that my very torrid childhood made me more vulnerable to this “IT”. “IT” took COMPLETE advantage of it. Then LAUGHED on IT’s way out the door. Not only did IT laugh, it also pee’d all over me and then threw me in the garbage. I deserved NONE of it. All the ‘reasons’ IT has are absolutely UNFOUNDED and INCORRECT and those are just the lies it tells to recruit new ‘followers’. After “IT” tells those lies for so long, it becomes to believe them. Never mind they are lies and deceptions and hallucinations, to IT they become very real.
THIS makes ‘some’ sociopaths very dangerous.
I believe the one I have been involved with is a very dangerous person. “Potentially dangerous”. If IT could do TO ME the things it has done, IT COULD DO THEM TO ANYONE.
But, getting back to what I have learned, recently: It is absolutely imperative that I never have any contact with IT ever again. No grand illusions of ‘reuniting with doves flying and harps playing’! It is over. You see that was the tough part because they instill this sense of ‘bonding’ that makes you actually think you can’t do it without them and you believed them and trusted them because they were so convincing. That isn’t ‘OUR FAULT’…there is no ‘fault’ to it. If there is ANY fault, the fault rests with the “ITS” in our lives.
Growing up the way I did, I couldn’t WAIT to get my own spot in this world. My own place, where it could just be all mine and I would live in peace and quiet and leave all the dysfunction of childhood behind me. I excelled in school; excelled in college; while still providing for and maintaining four growing children.
NOBODY DID THAT FOR ME BUT MYSELF.
Sometimes in life there are no excuses nor reasons but only action. That was certainly one of those moments. Hungry minds and mouths don’t accept anything less.
“I” made this happen. “I” accept responsibility for being so naive and ignorant as to what was happening to me. Should I be punished for my perceptions of kindness and should I stifle those gifts because I am fearful of dropping into another web?
Do I become jaded with people and say ‘this is it’; I am going to become ALL ABOUT ME. But, if I choose to do that, am I any better than the spath, lacking compassion and emotion?
I think there is a healthy balance and I am going to find that, somehow, someway. I over-compensated for the shock, horror and dismay of growing up and beyond, by being NICE when I truly should have been locking up the people who deserve it. There are some that truly do deserve it. Truly.
I am saddened that our world has come to a point in time that the kind and the compassionate must stifle themselves in order to survive. My PTSD does not allow me to settle for anything but the best in people so I am a hermit, as much as possible.
Sometimes, friends from the past will reach out and drag me into their antics but that doesn’t happen often anymore.
I have been asked to maybe write a book about my experiences. I have said many times that it was so horrid going through it THE FIRST TIME, I certainly don’t want to re-live it again. I have always strived to let all the bad inspire me to a greater good, as much as humanly possible.
I am grateful to the Angels for this wonderful gift we have that is life. I will never let another rain on my parade, again. 😉
Love & Blessings
DUPED
Back_from_the_edge
Dear Louise: My heart is with you. So sorry about your Mom…
How old is your mother? I took care of alzheimer patients for a long while and I know how tiring it can get. I am so sorry. xxoo
I will keep you and Mom in my thoughts and prayers.
It is all we CAN do is make THE BEST of everything.
We have no other options. “I” am not about to just give up, roll over and die. The spath would love that way too much! 🙂 I don’t give up THAT easily! 😉
Hang in there Louise; you can do this.
Find that well and sparkle of ‘amazement’ with life, deep inside and let it take you away to a life of peace….
Love ~
Duped
Louise
DUPED:
I related to what you said above about being NICE when we should have been locking people up or in my case reporting them in a different way. Why do I always feel like I can’t do that or I shouldn’t do that?? Well, not anymore and I won’t feel guilty about it either! 🙂
Louise
DUPED:
My mom is 76. If you took care of Alzheimer’s patients, you know what my brothers and I face. It is extremely frustrating and sad at the same time. She hasn’t been diagnosed because she refuses to go to the doctor. She’s a very defiant one.
Thanks for your kind words! 🙂
Back_from_the_edge
…because we are too nice Louise…..
As dismayed as I am by this, I guess I will have to just learn to ‘stifle’ myself from now on. I deserve SOME of this life without all the chaos and drama….”IT” is fading from my mind quickly now…but most importantly: from my heart.
My thoughts will be with you and your Mom and family.
My Grandfather was ‘tough’ like that too…never wanted to ‘give in’ and go…then it got to be too late….
Just hang in there…the Angels are with you…
Dupedster
Ox Drover
Dear Louise,
Unfortunately, in order to “forcibly” take control of your mother’s person and estate even for her own good, she will have to be “declared” incompetent by a court of law.
In order to do this, she will have to be PRETTY FAR GONE….which means that she does not know “who the president is” or other information such as that. If she is a “danger to herself and or others,” you will have to call 911 and have them come out and the paramedics will determine if she is indeed a danger and take her to the ER…but again, she would have to be raging.
I suggest that you contact an attorney who is a specialist in ELDER LAW or ESTATE PLANNING…and get him/her to advise you on how you should proceed. It will be the BEST money you ever spent in helping you and your brothers decide what to do to safeguard your mother’s safety and estate for her benefit.
I know it is difficult especially in that stage where their JUDGMENT is gone, but they still “know who the president is”—-just like my 83-year old neighbor down the road is legally “sane” but his judgment is SO POOR he is being paupered by a “meth ho” he took in. He is already poverty stricken but she is taking everything he has left and shows up on the first of each month when “the check” comes and leaves about the 15th when there is no longer any food in the house and the electric has been shut off. He refuses to cooperate with his daughter for his own safety or good. I help keep an eye on him, and found him last month with the electric shut off (which with a well meant he had no WATER either.) His truck had 2 flat tires and his cell phone was dead. I took him a meal and some water but I no longer give him money, and then called his daughter. He has run out of neighbors to “borrow” money from and has sold everything of any value at all that he had, so things are getting dicey for his continued survival (literally) and in this heat without electric he could die. Unfortunately, there is nothing that anyone can do but just sort of keep an eye on him.
blondblueeyes
He rang to say he was going to see me. He didnt, the tears havent come at all, still feeling strong, and I cannot be bothered anymore.Thanks you have been helping.