Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Gloria.” She’s from Australia, and “pokies” are slot machine parlors. She would like some advice.
I am a lady that had both hips replaced, my back fused in 2 places, and my neck also fused in 2 places. I met my love fraud when going through a court case, on my hip. My son has a mental illness.
Met him at the pokies. I thought I met a wonderful man, he helped me out with my son, totally looked after me through a hip op. Told me he would look after me even if I was in a wheel chair, and even be my carer. I met his family and his parents, got engaged, was on cloud 9. If I won my court case we would get married straight away. If not, we had a back up plan, he was going to sell his unit, he is still paying off. He moved in with me within 2 months.
We were happy until I lost my court case, then he went moody, wouldn’t talk, started to blame me for every thing. I asked him to leave; it was so hard as I still loved him. Then he said he was sorry that he was so fu## up that no one would want him, and I thought we were making up. Then I didn’t hear from him, went around to his place, and he went off his head. Told me, “Did you ever think I was going to ever sell my place and be with you?” I left crying.
Later I got a message from another woman from his mobile telling me to leave them alone, she was having a relationship with him and adores him.
I didn’t see him for 6 months. Crisco food you pay off for xmas came, I had three months of his food, far too much to store, so I sms him I would leave his part on his door step, 5 mins before he got home, so he didnt have to have anything to do with me. He sms back that I have saved his life, he was totally broke, due to his work going into liquidation. That I know was bull, it was because he spent too much money at the pokies, but gave him an extra $150 of food on top.
I felt sorry for him as he has an addicted personality, first drugs, then gambling, long story ”¦ but since then, he has been saying again he’s sorry, never say never, we might get back together again, that he is not in it for the long run with her ”¦ blah blah ”¦ Any how sucked me in for 6 months. I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, and if he was to come back, get help.
Seen him out guess were? Pokies. Tapped him on the shoulder, he said, “Am only paying a little bit of money.” Asked him has he been thinking, his reply, dad ill, maybe dying, haven’t had time to think, and me and **** his partner, well 2 weeks ago we have been having big arguments over you. That told me he rubbished me again, and is not having any intentions of coming back, so I said, “Well you know what you want!” He said, “No, I still don’t know what I want.”
I left, I didn’t even make it back home, and he sms to me, “I can come and see you if you like.”
He has got us both loving him so much, she knows about me, and I know totally about her, I am trying my hardest to not give into him any more, as he lies to us both. She’s there, for money and support, and sex; I am there for sex, and when he needs someone. We women are both suckers to him. She thinks I got him into money problems, and thinks am a real bitch, when I am not, I feel for the both of us, she must be hurting too. What do you think I should do?
I cannot sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost weight. Seen the doctor, now on depression tablets. Need help, see a counselor every month. With my next part of my life, all I have done for 1 year is cry. Out of that 1 year he has been with her, he has been also seeing me for 7 months of it and still wants to. He will not let me go.
Hope to heal
Dear Blondblueeyes ~ Why not save yourself the trouble and don’t take his calls? Bless you dear, please take care.
h2h
Back_from_the_edge
(((blondblueeyes)))
Don’t you let “IT” get down inside and hurt you.
Those feelings are destructive to us. They are like slow time-bombs and were meant to be that way. Stay strong and have no contact with “IT”. Cut your losses and do it right away.
They ALWAYS say the things we WANT to hear.
You are worth more than you are being given.
Take care of yourself and welcome to our family.
*BLESSINGS*
Duped
Louise
farwronged: they just keep coming back until they find another reason not to. But I don’t think they ever leave us alone. At least in my experience. They keep coming back because they expect us to be the same person we were before the ‘explosions’.
They come back in childish, twisted, ways…
having other people contact us; texting and just being a real STALKER and harasser because they don’t want us to forget them. It is up to US to resist the thoughts. We KNOW what we have been dealing with. We KNOW things are not ever going to be right. How can a person ever make some of the things we have been through ‘right’ with a simple, cheap, ‘I am sorry! THERE: does that make it better?!” Well, actually, no. It doesn’t.
The amount of disrespect and disregard for my life and well being and/or anyone elses is purely unacceptable. There are no explanations sufficient to support a forgiveness of any kind. The only regard it deserves is NOTHING. THAT is what it deserves.
IF YOU JUST REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE ANY LONGER IT WILL MOVE ON TO ITS NEXT VICTIM. YOU WILL BECOME BORING TO IT AS WE ALL HAVE BECOME AND THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE.
We are being punished because we figured it out and it is using our affection and our caring as a tool and a weapon because it doesn’t have anything else at it’s disposal.
“IT” wasn’t the ‘trauma’….”IT” was the ‘trigger’ for the doors to open to myself. To grow and to learn and to jump those hurdles. Change is a very painful process. But change is necessary if we are ever going to survive this.
Stress kills. I have come back from the brink to definitively say: stress does kill. They don’t deserve our lives.
farwronged: I can so completely relate. My “IT” comes back every 3 months whether welcomed or not. Like clock work; I could set my watch or calendar by it. It comes back over and over to see if there is anything it can ‘glean’ from us, yet, still. In my case, my “IT” is hoping I will be swooned or threatened into dropping legal charges and I seriously doubt that is going to happen.
An attempted contact was made the day before yesterday. I still have NOT uttered a peep and don’t intend to. I said every word to “IT” that will ever be said and I meant every one. END OF THAT STORY.
Stay strong. Be true to yourself. Take care of yourself.
Refusing to participate any more has afforded me the much needed, HEALTHY, peace of mind I needed after my heart attack and “IT” STILL persists as much as I don’t want it to.
*HUGS TO ALL*
candy
Well thank you Ms Ox Drover for the blue ribbon award, but it must be said, I learned from a grand master (or is that mistress? No that does not sound quite right!!)
Louise
Oxy:
Sigh. Yep, it’s really hard with my mom. I bet if I asked her who the president is, she would not know. She gets ups, fixes her hair, makes the bed, washes dishes, washes clothes, but can’t remember anything literally from one moment to the next. She didn’t remember a friend had visited the day before. She cannot even operate the thermostat…when I got there, the thermostat read 87 degrees! She HATES to hear the furnace run; absolutely cannot stand it so she won’t let it run long enough to cool the house down. I told her she is going to die from the heat. Because she doesn’t know how to operate the thermostat despite the fact that my brothers and I have showed her literally probably a 100 times, she just turns it off. She also doesn’t bathe and smells really bad…can you imagine that in 87 degree heat?? But…how do you have someone declared mentally incompetent who still does the house chores, goes out to get the mail, feeds my brothers dogs?? It’s so hard. She is in absolute, total denial when you tell her she needs help. She will not go to the doctor. So I have decided I need to call a professional in and let them take care of it. She’ll have a fit, but I am doing it for her.
Sorry to hear about your neighbor. That sounds like a very bad situation. Sounds like his daughter has tried to help to no avail. Do I know how that feels!!!
Ox Drover
Dear Louise,
If her short term memory is that bad, and if she is not taking care of her personal bathing needs, etc. then she **IS*** A DANGER TO HERSELF….get to that attorney and he will advise you how to proceed in your state.
I know it is difficult and she will be ANGRY, but because of her shot term memory problems, her ANGER won’t last forever.
It is an unfortunate fact of life that you and your brothers must become the PARENTS (protectors) to your parent and it is difficult I know.
With really bad short term memory she can burn the house down by putting on a pan and forgetting it….or some other thing that makes her UNSAFE to live alone. Also very elderly people will dehydrate in the heat FASTER than younger people AND they do not have the sensation of thrist that is normal so they don’t drink enough, they also don’t control body temperature normally and sometimes don’t sweat enough either, so there are all kinds of problems that can literally KILL HER…I suggest you and your brothers get together and have a talk and then one of you be delegated (or more) to go talk to the attorney and get a guardianship hearing going….she WILL be mad, but possibly it will save her life. If you don’t act and something really bad happens you will have difficulty forgiving yourself. Just do the best you can to get her help even if she doesn’t want it, at least you tried….((((hugs))) and my prayers.
blondblueeyes
wow louise you have had a rough trot, I myself think you needed to get her the help she needs, else she will only get sicker, who will look after you if your sick?
I have just about read all the blogs you wonderful ladys have wrote in, thank you to Louise, Ox Drover, Candy, Duied in Social, and Hope to heal, if I missed out any please forgive me. Thanks for wecoming me to the family. Gloria
behind_blue_eyes
Louise;
So sad about your mother things must be very trying for you.
Louise
Gloria:
It is rough. I have been down ever since I came back from my mom’s (she lives 400 miles away). I have to make some decisions.
Louise
BBE:
Thanks…it is very trying. It’s always something you know…