Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Gloria.” She’s from Australia, and “pokies” are slot machine parlors. She would like some advice.
I am a lady that had both hips replaced, my back fused in 2 places, and my neck also fused in 2 places. I met my love fraud when going through a court case, on my hip. My son has a mental illness.
Met him at the pokies. I thought I met a wonderful man, he helped me out with my son, totally looked after me through a hip op. Told me he would look after me even if I was in a wheel chair, and even be my carer. I met his family and his parents, got engaged, was on cloud 9. If I won my court case we would get married straight away. If not, we had a back up plan, he was going to sell his unit, he is still paying off. He moved in with me within 2 months.
We were happy until I lost my court case, then he went moody, wouldn’t talk, started to blame me for every thing. I asked him to leave; it was so hard as I still loved him. Then he said he was sorry that he was so fu## up that no one would want him, and I thought we were making up. Then I didn’t hear from him, went around to his place, and he went off his head. Told me, “Did you ever think I was going to ever sell my place and be with you?” I left crying.
Later I got a message from another woman from his mobile telling me to leave them alone, she was having a relationship with him and adores him.
I didn’t see him for 6 months. Crisco food you pay off for xmas came, I had three months of his food, far too much to store, so I sms him I would leave his part on his door step, 5 mins before he got home, so he didnt have to have anything to do with me. He sms back that I have saved his life, he was totally broke, due to his work going into liquidation. That I know was bull, it was because he spent too much money at the pokies, but gave him an extra $150 of food on top.
I felt sorry for him as he has an addicted personality, first drugs, then gambling, long story ”¦ but since then, he has been saying again he’s sorry, never say never, we might get back together again, that he is not in it for the long run with her ”¦ blah blah ”¦ Any how sucked me in for 6 months. I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, and if he was to come back, get help.
Seen him out guess were? Pokies. Tapped him on the shoulder, he said, “Am only paying a little bit of money.” Asked him has he been thinking, his reply, dad ill, maybe dying, haven’t had time to think, and me and **** his partner, well 2 weeks ago we have been having big arguments over you. That told me he rubbished me again, and is not having any intentions of coming back, so I said, “Well you know what you want!” He said, “No, I still don’t know what I want.”
I left, I didn’t even make it back home, and he sms to me, “I can come and see you if you like.”
He has got us both loving him so much, she knows about me, and I know totally about her, I am trying my hardest to not give into him any more, as he lies to us both. She’s there, for money and support, and sex; I am there for sex, and when he needs someone. We women are both suckers to him. She thinks I got him into money problems, and thinks am a real bitch, when I am not, I feel for the both of us, she must be hurting too. What do you think I should do?
I cannot sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost weight. Seen the doctor, now on depression tablets. Need help, see a counselor every month. With my next part of my life, all I have done for 1 year is cry. Out of that 1 year he has been with her, he has been also seeing me for 7 months of it and still wants to. He will not let me go.
DUPED:
Yes, you are so right. They do NOT deserve us…not at all! Empty is what they are without a doubt. Looking for something; searching for something they will never have.
I love that you told your X spath that he doesn’t even have a clue what the word love means. You go girl!!!
Oh yes, my final farewell was full of all those ‘enlightening’ things I derived along the way with my association with it. I told it everything that was burning within and then I told it to get in it’s car and leave and never talk to me again. I told it that it was a scammer; a liar; everything I wanted to say and I meant every single word. It was trying to lovebomb me again and it went to awry for it this time. Truly. It was like I blew it off it’s feet. Why, it never would have thought this unconditionally loving woman would EVER throw it to the curb. Well, guess what?! The ‘bubble’ burst and all the fairy tales came crashing down, right on its head!
I wouldn’t advise everyone doing this but when it contacted me last, trying to lovebomb me, I happily and willingly accepted the invite just so I could find my resolution. Since it wasn’t making one, I MADE MY OWN and I am here to tell you, I mean what I say. NO. They don’t deserve us and that in itself is an understatement but Karma will touch their lives and it already is.
Mwahhhhhhhh! xxoo
Have a good night Louise.
Sometimes things DO work out well. Really. 😉
Dupedster
DUPED:
I think that is OK to have accepted the invitation knowing you were going to kick him to the curb. You needed to do that for closure. It’s your life, not his. You did it for you.
You are right Louise: I did it for ME.
It had nothing to do with him. It was all for me, that last time. I planned it so well too. He walked right into it. He was trying to put his arms around me and tell me he ‘loved’ me and that he was ‘sorry’ he tried to kill me on purpose. (Um, WHAT is wrong with this visual??) The more it talked the more I hated it and wanted it away from me. He knew this was the final time I was going to see it, EVER, because I told it, long before it ever got here.
I did it for ME, not for ‘IT’. And, I am glad I did it. I could never have had the ‘grounding’ to just walk away, I was too ‘controlled’ but the bubble was starting to burst already. It came easy for me by then.
Gotta go get some beauty sleep…
Take care of yourselves.
DUPED
DUPED:
Good for you. I am glad you finally kicked him to the curb. Just think where your life would be if you hadn’t??
It’s getting late here, but I am still wide awake. I need to get offline soon though and make myself go to bed.
I shudder to think where I would be Louise if I hadn’t of gotten IT out of my life, once and for all…he got what he deserved yet not enough….I am happy I was never TIED to it…
Yes, Lovey, getting that way here too. Time for zzzzzzz….
Sleep well Louise.
See you tomorrow…
*HUGS*
Dupedster
DUPED:
Yes, I am also happy I am not tied to it by children. That’s the only tie I can think of that would truly be a “tie.”
OK…you have sweet dreams and we’ll talk tomorrow. Hugs.
Oh yes: having children with a spath has to be like the WORSE nightmare, I am sure. My ex husband wasn’t a spath. He was a mean drinker and a beater, so I took my kids at a very young age and left. THEM nor me needed to be in THAT mess. I was married to him for 13 years and that was long enough for me. I became a single Mom of four kids, alone. We made it; we always have. My kids are GREAT! 🙂 Except for this experience. They hate “IT” so very much, they don’t EVER want to see it or hear it. They refuse to talk about IT with me and that is understandable. They seem to think I have lost my mind and they probably are right, I have…for a long time. I was just NOT A PERSON for the past five years.
Does anyone else have the problem of “IT’S” associations or OW or current OW or other husbands, bf, gf’s, etc., trying to incessantly contact you for some reason? I just have been PLAGUED for quite a few years….
People from IT’s current, past, or otherwise, calling me up and getting all up in my face out of no where. STRANGERS!!! Oh yes, some of the stories about IT that has floated my way are simply unbelievable. And they aren’t just in one area. They are from like across the country. Seriously. It’s true. I don’t know how these people FIND ME other than HE is stirring the pot. Just another ‘aggravation’ ploy, I am sure. Like a two year old doing all those laughable and childish things. Like the evilness it truly is. He was married, oh yes…the liar and the whole time he lead me on and lead me on…When I had my last two hours with it, listening to it rant and rave and incessantly whine and doing it’s little ‘ticks’ and ‘tricks’, spewing it’s word salad……being disrespected and talked to by a pure demon from hell…..I told it what a tyrant and devil it has really been to me the whole time I have known it. That IT didn’t know the real meaning of love. That I didn’t even RECOGNIZE it anymore because it turned vile and disgusting…that it was to go away from me and never come back again. EVER. It stomped it’s two year old foot and exclaimed: “I am sorry! Okay!” No. It’s not okay. You tried to kill me and I am NOT going to take it. I just am not. It’s NOT okay. It is never going to be OKAY ever again. I left it standing there, when I was done with IT and told IT good bye, turned around and walked in the other direction and I absolutely meant it. There IS no forgiveness and there will be NO MORE. After this experience, I don’t even want to LOOK at another man! Or dream about love and affection.
I heard someone who came through a divorce, one time…someone very near and dear to me, say: “having someone around for the sex or for the companionship is NOT worth putting up with all the spath has to offer.” She was right. Life is too short to be held hostage by someone’s evil and wicked ways. If they can’t stifle themselves, then they need to be OUT OF OUR PROGRAMS. WE can stifle them by keeping them away from us and damaging our lives any more than they already have. I have always been that way, too, my whole life-pushing this kind of things away from me. I got sucked up into the ‘love a hero’ mind scam. The ‘conscious’ scam….The ‘I love you so much and forever’ scam because it was insecure and has to have all these relationships on tap just in case the other falls apart. They ALWAYS fall apart. The monster can’t hide out in that body for long and be nice and polite…the monster eventually comes out, sooner or later.
When it asked me to marry it, after the divorce, last summer, I said NO. It was crushed. awwwww It was still married, yet, planning the next nest. It’s always older women with money. “Cougarish” types. It disgusts me that I was on that list. ewwwww….not because of the older cougarish types (some say that is what I am!) but because I allowed that ugliness near me.
NOBODY will ever know the ugliness I have seen and experienced. I will keep those nightmares locked away so nobody has to endure them again in this lifetime. There are things I have yet to get out in therapy that I wonder if they will ever come out. Horrid things. Things the human mind would be standing on that ‘fringe’ looking at, normally. Things only in nightmares. And a lot of them from “IT” more than my dysfunctional childhood. Imagine that.
They prey on the vulnerable. Without a doubt. They don’t like it when they choose wrong. Trust me. “IT” had NO IDEA what it was choosing when it decided to ‘play me’ into it’s repertoire.
I DONT sit down, shut up and forget. Watch this!!! 😉
Empower yourselves!!!!! I used to hibernate in fear. Not wanting to go out and about, thinking someone was going to come up to me and murder me. I have lived like this the past couple of years. IT is soooo unpredictable. It is like a time bomb that eventually is going to go off. As many people as I have talked to about this and paraded “IT” in front of, ie: medical/mental professionals, which I felt fortunate to have been able to talk IT into a couple of times before I MADE IT GO AWAY…nobody cared. Nobody can do anything about it. Nobody can MAKE it get treatment. It has to WANT it. And with “IT” – IT IS SO OBVIOUS. I think that is one thing that sucked me in….such a HANDSOME, INTELLIGENT, CHARISMATIC PERSON! Could be anything in the world if IT wanted to be (unknown to me, it probably is; a different story for every woman). I thought I was special: truth is: none of us are to IT. We are a commodity; an appliance; a tool and when we have no other purpose or use, they throw us away. Disposable.
Just curious if anyone else has had this same scenario in their experiences. I mean, it has taken me just about two years to clean up this mess and the trail from barging into my life and world and I don’t think STILL that it is completely over with. I do expect further problems with IT but IT knows if it comes around me, IT WILL GO TO JAIL. Period. That is all there is to it.
It assumes no responsibility for its actions at all. All of his problems are because of anyone and everyone else but itself. It has always been that way and I don’t believe it truly knows how to live life. It used to whine for me to write it a list on what he needs to do to make his life different. A FRICKIN LIST??!!! hahahahahaha – no, I was blamed for enough, just by loving and caring about it, why on earth would I give it that list?
If they keep finding rejection, not because of themselves, but because of their actions, within a social setting, or relationship, you would think that after a lifetime of having your actions being found UNACCEPTABLE by most, that it would GROOM YOU into a different kind of being. Not with spaths. There is no saving them. SAVE YOURSELF. That’s the train “I” am taking!!! 😉
Love ~ Duped
DUPED:
The only experience I had with contact from OW is when I was at work and the OW in triangulation with me wouldn’t leave me alone…always contacting me to find out if I was “OK.” She was only trying to get information from me. Or she would contact me to let me know that she heard this or that about him. Blah. I hate her. I know I will never see her again or HOPE I never see her again. Karma really needs to come around to her also. She LIED ten times over to me…she lied more than he did!! I have lived in three states, have had many jobs, many friends, etc. and I have never encountered someone like her…never. Or him, but that’s a different story.
OMG: Sounds just like what happened to me but you see none of us have ever lived close to the other. It has always been long distance. Me and the ex wife were very kind to one another. We BOTH know that he is a sick person and we have offered immense emotional support to one another and don’t ‘hate’ one another at all. We both understand now what has happened. And, who is at fault. Neither her nor I. It was “IT’s” fault; all of it.
I hope I never encounter any people like this again in my life and trust me, I am sooooooooooooooo jaded NOW I seriously doubt I will ever let this happen to me again. Such stories I have encountered all centered around “IT”. Unbelievable, vile things that are an abomination just to mention. Truthfully.
For two years, I had strangers always up in my face, long distance, by text, email, phone, stirring up trouble. “I” have never stirred up anything and bother nobody but he sure gets them inspired to bother ME!!!
This isn’t going to continue for much longer now.
I am brushing this bird crap off my shoulder and moving on….they have ALL been informed to stay away!
***HUGS LOUISE***