Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Gloria.” She’s from Australia, and “pokies” are slot machine parlors. She would like some advice.
I am a lady that had both hips replaced, my back fused in 2 places, and my neck also fused in 2 places. I met my love fraud when going through a court case, on my hip. My son has a mental illness.
Met him at the pokies. I thought I met a wonderful man, he helped me out with my son, totally looked after me through a hip op. Told me he would look after me even if I was in a wheel chair, and even be my carer. I met his family and his parents, got engaged, was on cloud 9. If I won my court case we would get married straight away. If not, we had a back up plan, he was going to sell his unit, he is still paying off. He moved in with me within 2 months.
We were happy until I lost my court case, then he went moody, wouldn’t talk, started to blame me for every thing. I asked him to leave; it was so hard as I still loved him. Then he said he was sorry that he was so fu## up that no one would want him, and I thought we were making up. Then I didn’t hear from him, went around to his place, and he went off his head. Told me, “Did you ever think I was going to ever sell my place and be with you?” I left crying.
Later I got a message from another woman from his mobile telling me to leave them alone, she was having a relationship with him and adores him.
I didn’t see him for 6 months. Crisco food you pay off for xmas came, I had three months of his food, far too much to store, so I sms him I would leave his part on his door step, 5 mins before he got home, so he didnt have to have anything to do with me. He sms back that I have saved his life, he was totally broke, due to his work going into liquidation. That I know was bull, it was because he spent too much money at the pokies, but gave him an extra $150 of food on top.
I felt sorry for him as he has an addicted personality, first drugs, then gambling, long story ”¦ but since then, he has been saying again he’s sorry, never say never, we might get back together again, that he is not in it for the long run with her ”¦ blah blah ”¦ Any how sucked me in for 6 months. I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, and if he was to come back, get help.
Seen him out guess were? Pokies. Tapped him on the shoulder, he said, “Am only paying a little bit of money.” Asked him has he been thinking, his reply, dad ill, maybe dying, haven’t had time to think, and me and **** his partner, well 2 weeks ago we have been having big arguments over you. That told me he rubbished me again, and is not having any intentions of coming back, so I said, “Well you know what you want!” He said, “No, I still don’t know what I want.”
I left, I didn’t even make it back home, and he sms to me, “I can come and see you if you like.”
He has got us both loving him so much, she knows about me, and I know totally about her, I am trying my hardest to not give into him any more, as he lies to us both. She’s there, for money and support, and sex; I am there for sex, and when he needs someone. We women are both suckers to him. She thinks I got him into money problems, and thinks am a real bitch, when I am not, I feel for the both of us, she must be hurting too. What do you think I should do?
I cannot sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost weight. Seen the doctor, now on depression tablets. Need help, see a counselor every month. With my next part of my life, all I have done for 1 year is cry. Out of that 1 year he has been with her, he has been also seeing me for 7 months of it and still wants to. He will not let me go.
Louise
DUPED:
Thanks!! 🙂
superkid10
You know what kills me – bothers me – is the ups and downs.
I see it in myself – the emotional swings – I guess some days I’m just suffering from withdrawl from the drama. I feel sad, alone, unneeded. It’s better than being abused, I do get that, but that emptyness is still there.
I see it in my spath – he had these really crazy cycles – intense over the top focus on me and then just POOF off to something else (perhaps tantalized by another woman, or who knows) then back again.
I wonder if the withdrawl feelings from drama addiction is what keeps many of us on this site so often during the day.
I love my job, my kids, my family. Nothing compares to the drama created by my spath.
SK
Back_from_the_edge
Morning Louise from the Left Coast!
I hope it works for you and helps you. It does ME! 🙂
I had a very ‘uplifting’ discussion with my cardiologist, yesterday, and was informed that my ECG was still messed up HOWEVER, that everything seems to be as well as it can get at the moment! We have put off discussions of any further heart surgeries for another 3 months. At that time, we will discuss how things are then.
I see my ‘regular care doctor’ next week and all kinds of tests are going to be ran! Probably end up looking like a pin cushion of some kind. 🙁
I have become ‘surprisingly grounded’ within this past week in just about all areas of my life. I mean, not ENTIRELY ‘there’ but at least I had a ‘taste’ of that ‘grounding’ and I am using it to become my new addiction. I want more of that feeling. That was what I USED to feel before the sp came and tried to kill me. Before I spent five years in that dark hole.
If we take all these words and thoughts and excellent suggestions and put them all in once place, what a collective GOOD it brings to the universe! 🙂 I still, after being thrashed through these horrid years, I STILL believe there is a greater good for all of us. And, I believe that somehow, that good will always prevail.
Hope you are well Louise.
Dupedster
Back_from_the_edge
superkid10 says:
You know what kills me ”“ bothers me ”“ is the ups and downs.
I see it in myself ”“ the emotional swings ”“ I guess some days I’m just suffering from withdrawl from the drama. I feel sad, alone, unneeded. It’s better than being abused, I do get that, but that emptyness is still there.
I see it in my spath ”“ he had these really crazy cycles ”“ intense over the top focus on me and then just POOF off to something else (perhaps tantalized by another woman, or who knows) then back again.
I wonder if the withdrawl feelings from drama addiction is what keeps many of us on this site so often during the day.
I love my job, my kids, my family. Nothing compares to the drama created by my spath.
——————————————–
It will get better superkid. As long as we are loving and careful with ourselves. I know how horrid those emotional swings are. It’s from the change and the addiction and the chemical imbalances working within us. They are trying to return to normal levels. They need our help. I have been consciously trying to retrain my thought patterns and my reactions to these ruminating thoughts. It is like disciplining yourself not to smoke or drink – any other kind of ‘addiction’. Although we may not be drinkers, druggers, etc., this is an addicition, yes. I believe it’s so. Addictions were brought, I guess, to teach us how strong we really CAN be when we walk away from them.
superkid: I left some instant stress relief exercises on another post. I hope you find them. If not and your interested, let me know. They help me but it takes being consistent. 😉
Male or female the spath is the HUGEST drama queen on the planet! Just one thing after another; trust me. I don’t want my life cluttered up like that. I have MY OWN erratic thoughts to deal with, thank you! 😉
*HUGS*
superkid10
Yes, can you give me a link to the stress relief stuff?
I was on antidepressants but I stopped, I didn’t like how fuzzy they made my mind.
Most days I’m good. The craving for the drama, attention and what not sucks. I wish I could swallow a pill.
SK
Back_from_the_edge
Hope you will find this helpful”..
“When you start to get those twitches just alternately begin tapping your knees or your shoulders ”“ just right-left-right-left for a minute or so ”“ that the bilateral stimulation that emdr offers. It will help release.
Also, remember tapping? We did that together right? Go to tapping.com or eft/universe.com for instructions and a picture of the points ”“ just focus on your head and face and collarbone. Also, don’t forget the “set-up” with the karate chop point: say: “Even though I have this ____________ (state problem), I still deeply love and appreciate myself.” Do this 3 times. Then do the tapping stating the problem only, and tap around 7x each point. It uses acupuncture points and the energy meridians. Its like magic!”
*Instant stress relief* 🙂
Dupedster
Back_from_the_edge
You know what has me laughing this morning?
#1 – I received an email in my inbox that states:
“Increase and boost your testosterone levels naturally and increase your penis size at the same time!” hahahaha
A) After what I just went through, NO TESTOSTERONE is good testosterone and….
B) I do not have a penis.
🙂 ::HOPE IT MADE YOU SMILE TOO::
Louise
DUPED:
Hahahaha 🙂
Louise
SK:
I feel the same way, but eventually it has to fade away. The addicition will heal without contact, without the stimulation.
Ox Drover
Dear Gloria,
None of us is guaranteed that we will be in health for another 5 minutes….we could have a heart attack or a stroke….even young people have strokes and become totally disabled, unable to do anything but blink their eyes. It happens. Car wrecks leave people brain injured or paralyzed.
I worked in spinal cord and head injury rehabilitation for several years back in the 1980s, and I saw healthy people who had become totally dependent in a flash of time. Some wives stayed with their injured husbands, but many did not…and I can’t remember even one man who stayed with his injured wife. Many times parents of injured kids broke up because of the stress of taking full time care of a teenager who could no longer feed himself or walk or talk.
Just because a person is dependent for their activities of daily living on another person it is a big stress on the relationship. Back when my step father had cancer and I took care of him for 18 months even though I had help with housework and personal care, it consumed my life taking care of him. I did it because I loved him, and I knew there would be an end in sight as well but still, it causes caregiver burn out.
I know that you want someone to love you, all of us do. That is to be human. But people who love each other do not treat the other person the way your psychopath has treated you. It isn’t about him deciding he really loves you, he has already PROVEN HE DOES NOT…he is using you, toying with you like a cat with a mouse. When you have ANY kind of contact or messaging with him, it strengthens the addiction connections in your brain, gets hope back up and going and keeps the pain going as well. Until YOU take charge and STOP all communication with him, he will continue to string you along and you will continue to hurt. Cutting communication and healing the pain is not instant, but it will lead to a pain free life, continuing communication of any kind, keeps the pain going. Your choice. Your decision.