Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Gloria.” She’s from Australia, and “pokies” are slot machine parlors. She would like some advice.
I am a lady that had both hips replaced, my back fused in 2 places, and my neck also fused in 2 places. I met my love fraud when going through a court case, on my hip. My son has a mental illness.
Met him at the pokies. I thought I met a wonderful man, he helped me out with my son, totally looked after me through a hip op. Told me he would look after me even if I was in a wheel chair, and even be my carer. I met his family and his parents, got engaged, was on cloud 9. If I won my court case we would get married straight away. If not, we had a back up plan, he was going to sell his unit, he is still paying off. He moved in with me within 2 months.
We were happy until I lost my court case, then he went moody, wouldn’t talk, started to blame me for every thing. I asked him to leave; it was so hard as I still loved him. Then he said he was sorry that he was so fu## up that no one would want him, and I thought we were making up. Then I didn’t hear from him, went around to his place, and he went off his head. Told me, “Did you ever think I was going to ever sell my place and be with you?” I left crying.
Later I got a message from another woman from his mobile telling me to leave them alone, she was having a relationship with him and adores him.
I didn’t see him for 6 months. Crisco food you pay off for xmas came, I had three months of his food, far too much to store, so I sms him I would leave his part on his door step, 5 mins before he got home, so he didnt have to have anything to do with me. He sms back that I have saved his life, he was totally broke, due to his work going into liquidation. That I know was bull, it was because he spent too much money at the pokies, but gave him an extra $150 of food on top.
I felt sorry for him as he has an addicted personality, first drugs, then gambling, long story ”¦ but since then, he has been saying again he’s sorry, never say never, we might get back together again, that he is not in it for the long run with her ”¦ blah blah ”¦ Any how sucked me in for 6 months. I gave him an ultimatum, her or me, and if he was to come back, get help.
Seen him out guess were? Pokies. Tapped him on the shoulder, he said, “Am only paying a little bit of money.” Asked him has he been thinking, his reply, dad ill, maybe dying, haven’t had time to think, and me and **** his partner, well 2 weeks ago we have been having big arguments over you. That told me he rubbished me again, and is not having any intentions of coming back, so I said, “Well you know what you want!” He said, “No, I still don’t know what I want.”
I left, I didn’t even make it back home, and he sms to me, “I can come and see you if you like.”
He has got us both loving him so much, she knows about me, and I know totally about her, I am trying my hardest to not give into him any more, as he lies to us both. She’s there, for money and support, and sex; I am there for sex, and when he needs someone. We women are both suckers to him. She thinks I got him into money problems, and thinks am a real bitch, when I am not, I feel for the both of us, she must be hurting too. What do you think I should do?
I cannot sleep, I cry all the time, I have lost weight. Seen the doctor, now on depression tablets. Need help, see a counselor every month. With my next part of my life, all I have done for 1 year is cry. Out of that 1 year he has been with her, he has been also seeing me for 7 months of it and still wants to. He will not let me go.
DUPED:
Thanks!! 🙂
You know what kills me – bothers me – is the ups and downs.
I see it in myself – the emotional swings – I guess some days I’m just suffering from withdrawl from the drama. I feel sad, alone, unneeded. It’s better than being abused, I do get that, but that emptyness is still there.
I see it in my spath – he had these really crazy cycles – intense over the top focus on me and then just POOF off to something else (perhaps tantalized by another woman, or who knows) then back again.
I wonder if the withdrawl feelings from drama addiction is what keeps many of us on this site so often during the day.
I love my job, my kids, my family. Nothing compares to the drama created by my spath.
SK
Morning Louise from the Left Coast!
I hope it works for you and helps you. It does ME! 🙂
I had a very ‘uplifting’ discussion with my cardiologist, yesterday, and was informed that my ECG was still messed up HOWEVER, that everything seems to be as well as it can get at the moment! We have put off discussions of any further heart surgeries for another 3 months. At that time, we will discuss how things are then.
I see my ‘regular care doctor’ next week and all kinds of tests are going to be ran! Probably end up looking like a pin cushion of some kind. 🙁
I have become ‘surprisingly grounded’ within this past week in just about all areas of my life. I mean, not ENTIRELY ‘there’ but at least I had a ‘taste’ of that ‘grounding’ and I am using it to become my new addiction. I want more of that feeling. That was what I USED to feel before the sp came and tried to kill me. Before I spent five years in that dark hole.
If we take all these words and thoughts and excellent suggestions and put them all in once place, what a collective GOOD it brings to the universe! 🙂 I still, after being thrashed through these horrid years, I STILL believe there is a greater good for all of us. And, I believe that somehow, that good will always prevail.
Hope you are well Louise.
Dupedster
superkid10 says:
You know what kills me ”“ bothers me ”“ is the ups and downs.
I see it in myself ”“ the emotional swings ”“ I guess some days I’m just suffering from withdrawl from the drama. I feel sad, alone, unneeded. It’s better than being abused, I do get that, but that emptyness is still there.
I see it in my spath ”“ he had these really crazy cycles ”“ intense over the top focus on me and then just POOF off to something else (perhaps tantalized by another woman, or who knows) then back again.
I wonder if the withdrawl feelings from drama addiction is what keeps many of us on this site so often during the day.
I love my job, my kids, my family. Nothing compares to the drama created by my spath.
——————————————–
It will get better superkid. As long as we are loving and careful with ourselves. I know how horrid those emotional swings are. It’s from the change and the addiction and the chemical imbalances working within us. They are trying to return to normal levels. They need our help. I have been consciously trying to retrain my thought patterns and my reactions to these ruminating thoughts. It is like disciplining yourself not to smoke or drink – any other kind of ‘addiction’. Although we may not be drinkers, druggers, etc., this is an addicition, yes. I believe it’s so. Addictions were brought, I guess, to teach us how strong we really CAN be when we walk away from them.
superkid: I left some instant stress relief exercises on another post. I hope you find them. If not and your interested, let me know. They help me but it takes being consistent. 😉
Male or female the spath is the HUGEST drama queen on the planet! Just one thing after another; trust me. I don’t want my life cluttered up like that. I have MY OWN erratic thoughts to deal with, thank you! 😉
*HUGS*
Yes, can you give me a link to the stress relief stuff?
I was on antidepressants but I stopped, I didn’t like how fuzzy they made my mind.
Most days I’m good. The craving for the drama, attention and what not sucks. I wish I could swallow a pill.
SK
Hope you will find this helpful”..
“When you start to get those twitches just alternately begin tapping your knees or your shoulders ”“ just right-left-right-left for a minute or so ”“ that the bilateral stimulation that emdr offers. It will help release.
Also, remember tapping? We did that together right? Go to tapping.com or eft/universe.com for instructions and a picture of the points ”“ just focus on your head and face and collarbone. Also, don’t forget the “set-up” with the karate chop point: say: “Even though I have this ____________ (state problem), I still deeply love and appreciate myself.” Do this 3 times. Then do the tapping stating the problem only, and tap around 7x each point. It uses acupuncture points and the energy meridians. Its like magic!”
*Instant stress relief* 🙂
Dupedster
You know what has me laughing this morning?
#1 – I received an email in my inbox that states:
“Increase and boost your testosterone levels naturally and increase your penis size at the same time!” hahahaha
A) After what I just went through, NO TESTOSTERONE is good testosterone and….
B) I do not have a penis.
🙂 ::HOPE IT MADE YOU SMILE TOO::
DUPED:
Hahahaha 🙂
SK:
I feel the same way, but eventually it has to fade away. The addicition will heal without contact, without the stimulation.
Yes, if you allow it to. The hardest part is the realization that THIS is what has happened. THAT was the hardest part for me. I was emotionally and psychologically ‘controlled’ for just about 5 years by this maniac. I had NO CLUE. Absolutely none as to what I was dealing with although I recognized ‘something’ was wrong with it, the way you would a baby bird in the yard, having a hard time flying…
It takes work and effort to change this horrid nightmare inside ourselves. We can just file it away in the back of our minds, but the bonds are too strong to do that. So we ruminate because we are experiencing technical difficulties upstairs, in our heads. NO CONTACT affords that spot where you can just stop, take a deep breath and concentrate on ourselves. We earned it!
I know you loved ‘them’, I loved mine too. It’s a horrid, horrid thing when someone does to you the things they have done to us. But they don’t care; get it? They don’t care, are never going to substantially apologize nor make things right; the rainbows aren’t going to come out and birds sing. It is just OVER. And it has to stay OVER for not only my physical well being but my emotional and mental as well.
What I am basing my emotions on are nothing but a web of lies and deceptions that I was made to believe was real. It wasn’t; NONE of it was. You have to realize and come to terms with the fact that they did something horrible to us and it’s over. As long as we refuse to participate any further, the ‘circus show’ STOPS. Let them go – don’t feel bad. At least not to the point that I was: I worked myself right straight into a major cardiac arrest and I refuse to allow this to take what’s left of me. There is no choice. It is now a matter of survival for me. In more ways than one. It’s alright. I am making my way.
It IS an addiction. It IS. Our bodies and our minds are connected through a wonderful maze of electrical charges and chemicals. The events we have been through has altered the levels of those chemicals and that is what we are experiencing. Some of us more than others; some of us WITH PTSD and MDD and others of us not, I am sure. But the one common thread is that YES: this has been an addiction and we need to recognize it as such and also recognize the symptoms we experience for what they truly are and not think we are crazy or insane because we aren’t. Our mind and bodies are out of whack; out of sync by the experiences we have come through, respectively.
No contact affords our minds and bodies the chance to recover. There is no other way. And I believe with all my being that it WILL eventually fade away, if we will just ‘let it go’ inside and learn how to ‘tame’ that broken soul.