Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Rochelle.”
As part of the problem with my particular sociopath, the way they interpret behaviors is not like the rest of us. I have a list of examples:
What you do or say and what the sociopath hears
Expressing an opinion or feeling = ranting and anger issues.
Getting angry when he belittles and talks down to me = raging and anger issues.
Doing things for my husband and stepdaughter = I must have an ulterior motive.
Saying I like something in a shop window or magazine = me trying to manipulate him into buying me something.
Crying because I am hurting = drama queen.
Me asking him not to bring up a topic while out with friends = me being controlling.
Taking my husband to the hospital after he filed for divorce behind my back and then taking care of him afterward = me trying to get a better settlement out of him.
Changing my mind on something = hypocrisy.
His unfriending his sisters on Facebook = I can’t stand to hear that I am wrong and will give up my sisters to prove my point.
His being married 4 times = he made the wrong choices and did nothing wrong.
Having a female coworker as his best friend instead of his wife = this woman means more to me than you do.
Direct depositing my own money into my own account = stealing.
Going away for a family wedding and not staying at the hotel with the family because he SWORE I was there = paranoia. I was in another state the entire time.
Not doing things exactly the way he would = me being wrong.
Not liking being controlled by him his female coworker = me being wrong.
Me wanting sex once a week = me being a nymphomaniac.
Me buying a sandwich for lunch = me overspending.
Me loving my husband, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking his meals, being supportive in all aspects of his life = I am beneath him and him not having the ability to show how appreciative he is.
Blossom, probably telling him he was pushing your buttons was like giving him a merit badge, a gold star, a plaque. Exactly. He was successful at his chosen profession – controlling others.
OK…I have one…
Where I go , whom I’m with and what I’m doing is none of your business= I’m out with my girlfriend whom I’m lying about and all my friends having the fun and laughs. You better not question me and you sit at home by yourself and wait for me to grace you with my presence. And I’ve just told you a big fat lie about being in another state visiting my children like a good divorced father should. How dare you call me the liar that I am.
Kmillercats, would that be as in “where your husband/cohabiting partner goes and what he does is none of your business”?! Let me guess. Your ‘business’ was cleaning the home he helped make dirty and untidy and putting food in front of him? I’ve got a couple more I’m sure but I’m sick of thinking about him urgh. Love to you kmc x
I got the following today from my spath;
No, I did not put the money in your account= thought you’d have to contact me to remind me
Will you be okay in the snow storm that’s coming= are you alone with your mother or are you safe with our eldest son
Our taxes are done, we’ll make out best by filing married=
I never told the accountant that we were separated as he is my friend and I couldn’t stand the embarrassment.
Tea Light,
Yea,I hate thinking about handing him that merit badge!But I LOVE the NC tool!It has meant peace of mind for me…but it must be driving him stir-crazy!Whenever we were apart for any reason,my phone would ring off the wall WITH JUST HIS CALLS ALL DAY AND NIGHT!But now I have a cell phone and the volume is turned down to nothing on my landline.
discovering,
He didn’t hide his intimidation real well did he?!
Discovering, filing married when not married= fraud, no?! Which his ‘friend’ the accountant could have got in trouble for maybe?!
Blossom those damn calls… The abuser liked to harass me from his garage after waving a cheery goodbye to his wife and son on his way to work. Well. No, cheery is probably pushing ït. Sullenly is nearer the mark I imagine.
Just what tone DO you adopt when exiting the family home to stalk the woman you assaulted? Life’s full of such challenges on Planet Maniac.
Tea Light,
Being a spath,he probably was cheery as he exited his family home!The people in their lives don’t really exist—isn’t that awesome?!No wonder they can just walk away and start another life so easily!
I was reading in another thread how Dupey’s(Back _From_The_Edge) ex has continued stalking her.I can soooooo understand how she wants him to leave her alone and start his own new life somewhere!I keep thinking about what spath is likely to do once he gets out of that nursing home–or atleast out for short times.He doesn’t have my cell number(to my knowledge) and he can’t get into the building where I live.Since his mobility is limited,it’s not quite the same situation.But he is obsessive.
Blossom 4th, How true, I can see through it now! Before I would have believed he was truly concerned about me.
My “P” has also has diabeties and periods of driving oddly-nearly running up the curb going 50 MPH. It was after this, I think his behavior got more spathy.Also stopped keeping the MASK i knew intact. Then I saw many masks within a short length of time- WOW- that was something I wasn’t ready for!
Tea Light; we are separated, not yet legally divorced. I just don’t think he “shared” his status with the accountant. I don’t think he has processed the idea of us being divorced since he figured he’d be widowed by now.
Despite all the deplorable behavior on spath’s part, I had some shifts internally, ~5 years prior to meeting him, or he would have seen a ton of anger from me. I was a real hot head in my younger years…prior to alot of therapy and 12-stepping. What he did accomplish was to get me to break-down mode, where I would cry hysterically…something he said was totally unaccepptable, …”no matter what I do to cause it!”…his exact words LOL
He threatened my life for last cry-fit….that was when I deciced to leave. I remember him sitting in this parlour chair in the bedroom, very calmly telling me that I did not have to leave. I very calmly looked at him and said that I would not get back in bed with a man who just threatened my life. He said that all I needed to do was never get upset again…i.e. be a comatose zombie. Well, no can do. I am a very emotional gal.
I did spend more time with him post my leaving…I had a very hard time letting go. At that point, he was in full discard phase, I was the one holding on. Boy do I wish I could change that. But I can’t. Can’t change any of it …just accept. Kinda feel like crying again today. For pouring so much of my love into a man who ….never was.
Hugs to all,
Blue