Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Rochelle.”
As part of the problem with my particular sociopath, the way they interpret behaviors is not like the rest of us. I have a list of examples:
What you do or say and what the sociopath hears
Expressing an opinion or feeling = ranting and anger issues.
Getting angry when he belittles and talks down to me = raging and anger issues.
Doing things for my husband and stepdaughter = I must have an ulterior motive.
Saying I like something in a shop window or magazine = me trying to manipulate him into buying me something.
Crying because I am hurting = drama queen.
Me asking him not to bring up a topic while out with friends = me being controlling.
Taking my husband to the hospital after he filed for divorce behind my back and then taking care of him afterward = me trying to get a better settlement out of him.
Changing my mind on something = hypocrisy.
His unfriending his sisters on Facebook = I can’t stand to hear that I am wrong and will give up my sisters to prove my point.
His being married 4 times = he made the wrong choices and did nothing wrong.
Having a female coworker as his best friend instead of his wife = this woman means more to me than you do.
Direct depositing my own money into my own account = stealing.
Going away for a family wedding and not staying at the hotel with the family because he SWORE I was there = paranoia. I was in another state the entire time.
Not doing things exactly the way he would = me being wrong.
Not liking being controlled by him his female coworker = me being wrong.
Me wanting sex once a week = me being a nymphomaniac.
Me buying a sandwich for lunch = me overspending.
Me loving my husband, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking his meals, being supportive in all aspects of his life = I am beneath him and him not having the ability to show how appreciative he is.
Blue….me too…….I was the one walking back through the trap door in the end. Walking right back in the trap and slamming the door behind me. I’m sure that gave his ego a boost……grrrrrrrr
🙁
I mailed you, fyi
Dorothy and Blue, don’t mourn the past. You can’t change it girls. You left the spath and THAT is what you must celebrate. The ones who got away, yes!! You are the winners believe me.
Srongwoman….I know. What is done is done. It’s just sad to me. The whole thing is so sad…and disorienting. It really is like a trip through the looking glass. Someone said that in a post last week. It’s like they put Spath drops in your porage and it’s very hard to come out of the spell.
So whew hoo….it’s over. I should have a party. I’m too exhausted.
Dorothy 2, Strongawoman,Blue, Blossom 4th, Tealight;
Just letting you all know that your words have been my strength this past week. Wednesday March 20th would have been my 31 st wedding anniversary. I am feeling so distraught realizing that my whole life has been a game and I have been a pawn. I’m trying not to fall into a pity party mood. Meeting with an intake counselor Tuesday for placement in a support group. Trying to move ahead while making baby steps forward (and backward) has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done.
Thanks for helping carry my soul these past couple of weeks.
Discovering
Gm to All,
Having a good cry this morning. Thanks to all of you …for your support, your wisdom, your loving-kind words…when I so desparately need them.
Kmillercats,
“where I go, whom I am with and what I am doing is none of your business!” Spath said the same exact thing to me, on a couple occasions. I found it shocking, since he always had to know who I was with, where and what I was doing…and I was not his wife. Just live in GF…who gave all. I was very present for him…always attending to his needs. Incongruity unlike any in previuos relationships.
BTW to all. I do not claim I was miss “peace” all year, my pain just came in tears. I really was just burying the anger that was a natural response to his behavior. No wonder he wondered where the hell my anger was! It was in my gut. It is coming out now. I am like an “anger plumber.” Controlling the flow out of faucet, lest it hurt the people in my life who it is not directed at. Hence my hobbies of boot-camp 2x/week, boxing(as needed) and occasional crying sessions…alone , so I don’t scare any animals or small children LOL
D2,
I am sure that my holding on to him gave him a huge ego boost. So humiliating for me. Yeah, it is sickening to think he had that kind of hold on me, but he did. I am sure the ball was sent rolling b/c I did initiate the break, and he made intense efforts to keep me at first…I went back to him twice… after first leaving his home. What I did not know then, was that he just was turning the tables on me to remain in control…( his thinking? “I will do the discarding”) …I imagine that he was probably pissed that I had the nerve to leave him. The first time I tried, he actually told me he had been good to me and did not deserve my desertion!!! That statement from a man who had just spent a weekend w/ his lover/freind, away from me. They really do think the universe, with all it’s creatures, are here only for there entertainment.
Strongawoman,
Thx for the wake-up! Yeah, we got away! Just the thought of still pouring my love through the holes in his soul, to watch it land on the floor at my feet…not a pretty site. No way to spends one’s precious life.
Discovering,
This place is a huge source of strength and comfort for me too. Thx to you for your contributions. We are all here, holding hands, helping pick each other up. What a beautiful thing! A testament to the true nature of most human beings.
Hugs and peace to all,
Blue
BlueMosaic: you must have read my post about not liking the “LOL” anachronism …LOL. just kidding (LOL)
The very first remark, “Expressing an opinion…and it causes rage” really speaks to me. A woman named Leni at one of my jobs in the past is a perfect example. I was talking to Jean, a friend of mine on the job at the time (although I was losing her to this ‘spath’). Jean said something and Leni entered the room. I merely made a comment to Jean and Leni saw red. . .she leaned closer to Jean, making her an accessory and accomplice, and immediately changed the conversation to herself…making flattering assessments of herself. Jean’s eyes became big and fearful looking. She defended me after Leni left (in a rage) and said, “You were just expressing your opinion.”
Leni did a lot of trouble making on this job. It makes me sad that women do this. She cleverly manipulated anyone she saw talking to me, and unfortunately was good at getting them to believe her. As a result, I became very isolated on this job and ended up sitting alone in the dark (literally…I had to bring in a lamp from home). The only person who acknowledged my presence was a very handsome doctor who walked by me every evening. He was flirtatious and tried to get me to talk and give my opinion. I thought about what could happen if Leni found out he was talking to me. She did…she put on her “sweet flirty” voice with him and he shunned her. He continued to walk by me in the evening and even winked at me. She was infuriated.
There are people like this and they are prolific. I look forward to reading books about the subject and becoming much more savvy in the workplace, which I have come to learn is a dangerous place to be.
Thank God for LoveFraud as it has helped me to recognize people as “spaths” in my life, especially on jobs.
I left the job in time to avoid further torture. I got a state position that was close to home and had a much more professional atmosphere. This is the best way of “getting back” at a spath. I am sure Leni was fit to be tied that I succeeded.
I need to be futher in this process of healing. I keep thinking that I could have done something that would have made him act like a normal person.
I feel like I am taking one step forward and two steps back.
Found out this past weekend that he is definately seeing someone and that she is saying “I love you” to him and that they are of course physically intimate. This is making me feel so sick and have a lot of anxiety.
I read all this stuff to help me realize what I have been dealing with but I can’t seem to get further on this healing journey.
Discovering, ToBeFree…..I’m so sorry. The pain these relationships, the end of the relationships, the facing of the horrific and unimaginable truths….my god…..there is nothing like it.
Discovering…..30 years…..wow. I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine. Mine was not even two and honestly, it was messed up from the get go. I don’t seem to remember a honeymoon. Love bombing yes but of course that was done on the cheap just like everything else in his life. No investment, on effort. LOOSER, BEGONE!
ToBeFree……accept that where you are is where you need to be…….for now. It’s like having a baby…..it’s just going to happen the way it needs to happen. You may want to try Tapping (EFT). I really think it’s helping me process things. I’ve seen a difference. Try this site…..it’s FREE!!
http://www.emofree.com/eft/recipe.html
To Be Free, hang in there – it’s a process and you’ll get there. This is what they do to us. It causes cognitive dissonance and it takes time to reconcile it in our conscious/rational mind. Our “reality” was shattered and our brains work at trying to figure out something that makes no sense.
The process of healing can be a slow one but it does happen, day by day. One day you’ll look back and realize you are much better than you were six months earlier. This is a great place for support – it helps to know that others have been through the nightmare.
Sending healing thoughts your way.
~New
ToBeFree, it is not my intention to come off harsh, but exactly “how” and “why” did you find out about the spath’s new target and their activities?
Once “No Contact” is firmly in place and viewed as a personally sacred boundary, the progress will begin, in earnest. Even “back-door” or third-party information is STILL CONTACT. Any contact is a distraction from healing and recovery – ANY. This includes viewing a spath’s online profile or allowing them access via mutual friends and associates. Knowing ANYTHING about the spath’s activities is not helpful to recovery, under any circumstances.
When a well-meaning (or, perhaps not-so-well-meaning) “friend,” neighbor, family member, or coworker crosses that boundary to TELL US what they think we need to know about the spath-in-question, it is our responsibility to shut that down, immediately, by responding, “I realize that you’re trying to help me, but I don’t want to discuss what he/she is doing, period.” No further explanation or defense of this boundary is necessary – we are NOT obligated or mandated to explain ourselves or defend our decisions, choices, or actions.
If someone respects that boundary, then they do not have an agenda. If, on the other hand, the person responds with, “But, you REALLY need to know this….” they have NO GOOD INTENTIONS other than to continue the drama/trauma for their own purposes and entertainment.
“No Contact” is THE most important step in recovery, bar none. Everything else will fall into place once that vital step has been taken. I know from personal experience that “No Contact” is difficult to self-enforce. But, it can be done when we set our jaw and just “accept” that this is true and factual and that it cannot be negotiated to be anything other than what it is: contact is ruinous. Period. No argument, no tweaking the terms, just acceptance.
Brightest blessings