Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Rochelle.”
As part of the problem with my particular sociopath, the way they interpret behaviors is not like the rest of us. I have a list of examples:
What you do or say and what the sociopath hears
Expressing an opinion or feeling = ranting and anger issues.
Getting angry when he belittles and talks down to me = raging and anger issues.
Doing things for my husband and stepdaughter = I must have an ulterior motive.
Saying I like something in a shop window or magazine = me trying to manipulate him into buying me something.
Crying because I am hurting = drama queen.
Me asking him not to bring up a topic while out with friends = me being controlling.
Taking my husband to the hospital after he filed for divorce behind my back and then taking care of him afterward = me trying to get a better settlement out of him.
Changing my mind on something = hypocrisy.
His unfriending his sisters on Facebook = I can’t stand to hear that I am wrong and will give up my sisters to prove my point.
His being married 4 times = he made the wrong choices and did nothing wrong.
Having a female coworker as his best friend instead of his wife = this woman means more to me than you do.
Direct depositing my own money into my own account = stealing.
Going away for a family wedding and not staying at the hotel with the family because he SWORE I was there = paranoia. I was in another state the entire time.
Not doing things exactly the way he would = me being wrong.
Not liking being controlled by him his female coworker = me being wrong.
Me wanting sex once a week = me being a nymphomaniac.
Me buying a sandwich for lunch = me overspending.
Me loving my husband, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking his meals, being supportive in all aspects of his life = I am beneath him and him not having the ability to show how appreciative he is.
I have found such great comfort here. And support.
It has been only a few months since I broke up with him after a 2 1/2 year relationship.
I tried NC and then broke it a few weeks ago which was so distructive to me. I saw him for the last 3 weekends. And since I have been able to share here my downfalls. I am so thankful that I continue to get loving support.
This past weekend I saw him Sat. night and we went out dancing again and I had too much to drink. When we got back to his house, we were together and I spent the night. I remember waking up at 6:30 am thinking OH SH*T. What have I done.
He was still asleep and I noticed his phone was attached to him like it usually was. I decided to check it and there was a person that he was texting and it showed me that yes they were in a relationship and she was saying stuff like “I love you, Baby” and “I miss you” “Be careful” . He had lied to her about where he was the night before. (With me, of course).
This was an experience I wish I could just erase. I felt like I was going to throw up.
More lies, more lies and more lies.
Before I found this out, He had told me that I had promised to marry him after my daugher graduated from high school. And that I decided not to. and it was my fault that we were not together. He said that he was not in a relationship and that he didn’t want to right now. He said he did care about me, etc. OMG, what an A**Hole.
I’m really upset with myself, though. I blame myself for this new hurt.
Truthspeaks:
I have also had back-door contact. People telling me things about him, etc.
I do realize that I don’t have boundaries in place. Obviously….
I know this is wrong but I actually want Spathx to violate a boundary so I can slap a restraining order on him and be done with it. Then I will know that I have that in place. It’s like I’m holding my breath all the time waiting to see what happens. He’s very unpredictable and I hate that feeling that he could just show up here with no notice. He’s done it before when he’s not getting the reaction he wants. I HATE that feeling!
I never had the opportunity to tell him to not contact me in any way shape or form. I should have put a note to that affect in the things I dropped off at his mothers. Too late.
ToBeFree, I never maintained boundaries, much less constructed them. This is STILL a new concept to me, and I’ll be working on this for the rest of my life.
I would gently encourage you to make a hand-written (NOT computer-assisted) list of what you “know” about the spath in comparison to what you “wish” he were. Sort of a “pros v. cons” list. No holds barred, here.
Then, I would encourage you to consider strong counseling therapy as an option. It’s no easy task to extract ourselves from spath entanglements, especially when we might have core-issues that require our attention. For me, it was the shame-core that was firmly in place since childhood. Somehow, I was responsible to attend to the needs and well-being of every other human being, except my own. This followed me through a lifetime of VERY stupid choices and decisions, along with marrying 2 sociopaths back-to-back and spending roughly 30 years under the black cloud of damage.
It’s no easy task, and a strong trained professional has the words, terminology, tools, and techniques for me to learn HOW to construct boundaries and the means to maintain and fortify them, once they are in place.
Beating yourself up for being a human being serves no good purpose. It is what it is, and you are learning a hard, mean, and cruel lesson of truths. It sucks, to be sure! But, (for me, at least) I learn by putting my hand on a glowing stove element that “hot” means pain, regardless of how many people tell me this fact, in advance.
Brightest blessings of encouragement to you
ToBeFree…I think I said this before……you have enough information and experience at this point to know that the fire is hot……no need to keep putting your hand in there and getting burned. You are doing exactly what he wants and it’s only benefiting him. Keeping his game going and feeding his ego and illusion of power.
” Power over others is only weakness disguised as strength. ” unknown
Hmmmm, this is an interesting thread. Makes me wonder…
discovering,
I’m not sure what it was that I said that helped you,but I’m glad to know that I was able to contribute!We’re all in this together!Thirty-one years,wow!I’m still married to my husband;we’ve only been together 23 yrs out of the 28 yrs.You said something in one of your posts that I’ve often thought! ” I don’t think he has processed the idea of us being divorced since he figured he’d be widowed by now.” I really do believe that he thought I’d just give up and die.Then he’d have people bubbling over with shows of compassion and empathy….and he’d suck ’em dry!
To Be Free,
I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time.Do not measure your journey by that of anyone else here.It is your own personal journey!Although some of our circumstances were similar,we’re different people with different moods and strengths.Have you sought counseling?What we’ve been through is a bit much for the brain to unravel by itself.Are you getting proper rest?If you have trouble sleeping,you might want to talk to your Dr for temporary help.Now that Spring is almost here,consider taking walks.And keep reading and posting at Lovefraud!
Truthspeak:
I wanted to let you know that I also was not mad at you just as I was not mad at Tea Light. It’s all OK.
ToBeFree….I hope what I said didn’t come on harsh…..I’m speaking from a place of what seems to be helping me stay NC and that is the realization of his true agenda, his control game. Lure me in, slap me down. Lure me in, slap me down. I’m not going to give him another oppertunity to use me as a pawn in his feeding frenzy. However, it did take many rounds of this sick game for me to really say, ENOUGH! The last one was so jarring that it awoke my inner warrior who has come to my aid in protecting me.
Strength and determination are on our sides and our dignity must be defended. I won’t let him have anymore of me. I won’t give him that satisfaction.
TeaLight and Blue
TeaLight
I didn’t live with it. I live in the country and he is in town (25 miles away). He liked it that way so I didn’t know what he was doing. He would say, “Oh, I just sit around in the evening at home and watch tv most of the time”. That equaled, “I’m out all the time hooking up with women and partying with my friends (of which you are not included for obvious reasons)”. He knew I had had a pretty lonely life with my x husband. Ammo for spath. Guess I should consider myself lucky I wasn’t his main target.
Blue
I can relate to the not crying in front of my animals. They would look at me as if to say, “Oh my gosh. What are those noises coming out of my person. Here let me make it better”. Then they would get in my face to console me and make me laugh. I love my animals.