Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Rochelle.”
As part of the problem with my particular sociopath, the way they interpret behaviors is not like the rest of us. I have a list of examples:
What you do or say and what the sociopath hears
Expressing an opinion or feeling = ranting and anger issues.
Getting angry when he belittles and talks down to me = raging and anger issues.
Doing things for my husband and stepdaughter = I must have an ulterior motive.
Saying I like something in a shop window or magazine = me trying to manipulate him into buying me something.
Crying because I am hurting = drama queen.
Me asking him not to bring up a topic while out with friends = me being controlling.
Taking my husband to the hospital after he filed for divorce behind my back and then taking care of him afterward = me trying to get a better settlement out of him.
Changing my mind on something = hypocrisy.
His unfriending his sisters on Facebook = I can’t stand to hear that I am wrong and will give up my sisters to prove my point.
His being married 4 times = he made the wrong choices and did nothing wrong.
Having a female coworker as his best friend instead of his wife = this woman means more to me than you do.
Direct depositing my own money into my own account = stealing.
Going away for a family wedding and not staying at the hotel with the family because he SWORE I was there = paranoia. I was in another state the entire time.
Not doing things exactly the way he would = me being wrong.
Not liking being controlled by him his female coworker = me being wrong.
Me wanting sex once a week = me being a nymphomaniac.
Me buying a sandwich for lunch = me overspending.
Me loving my husband, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking his meals, being supportive in all aspects of his life = I am beneath him and him not having the ability to show how appreciative he is.
Dorothy2:
I didn’t think what you said was harsh, it is just reality. Reality that I must embrace. I have flipped-flopped from the reality to the fantasy of this relationship. I have allowed him to slap me around, like you described.
The reality that I found out about his new relationship has thrown me into a hole that I am trying to climb out.
I don’t want him to be able to feed his ego off of me anymore!
I am not in counseling and am considering going because I need all the support I can get. It’s just hard to find time because I work and have a teenager still at home.
Louise, I didn’t believe that you were mad or angry with me. You’re processing a lot of experiences and information, and none of it is pleasant, easy, or painless. Sometimes, it just takes a bit of time to digest it all.
Dorothy2, my belief is that the truths and facts ARE harsh when discussing the ravages of spath entanglements. There’s NO easy or painless way to crawl out of their cesspools. For me (and, this ONLY applies to me, personally), I sometimes NEED to hear the hard truths – I don’t have to “like” them, but once they’re out there and in living color, there’s a choice before me. I can either choose to process and “accept” them, or not.
I don’t like any of the things that I’ve chosen to accept – not one of them. I didn’t “like” the fact that my shame-core had been developed in my childhood. I didn’t “like” the fact that my self-worth was determined by the very parents that I was obligated (meaning: no choice) to rely upon for my needs to be met. I didn’t “like” the fact that those needs were NOT met by the people that I was obligated to trust. I didn’t “like” the fact that I had made many, many bad and catastrophic choices and decisions over my lifetime and that they couldn’t be altered or changed. Who would actually “like” any of these facts?
But, I heard the terminology from my counseling therapist. I listened to the definitions and explanations. I made the choice to recognize and accept the correlation between my choices and my core-issues. I made the choice with the information that I gleaned to alter my systems of beliefs to benefit my recovery. To this day, I do not “like” any of the facts that I learned, but I accepted them as truths. I cannot argue them into being something other than what they are. I cannot bargain with them to be something more comfortable. I cannot change them or make them disappear. They are what they are, and, that’s it.
Bluemosaic, the most beneficial aspect of having pets is that they love us and comfort us when we are at our best, and when we are in the depths of despair. They don’t expect us to “Just get over it.” Our pets are teachers of “The Now.” For pets, there are no past histories or anticipated futures. There is only the present. They provide UNCONDITIONAL love and comfort – they see us weep and they comfort us because they don’t have an agenda. They love us whether we are thin, obese, blind, disfigured, or anything else that human beings attach to themselves (and, others) as “labels.”
Pets AND crying with them are a blessing. As Tolkien wrote, “Some tears are not evil,” so is the expression of grief. Like a sudden summer thunderstorm, the tears fall like rain in a violent and dramatic event. Once the rain has stopped, the air is clean, refreshed, and clear. So this goes with our crying jags. It’s “okay” to get that energy out in the form of tears.
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: Book suggestion: “On Death And Dying” by Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross. This book discusses the process of grieving and I was introduced to this extraordinary work when I was attending Catholic School as part of our “religion” class requirements. At the age of 15, I was able to process this priceless information and carry it with me throughout my life. I could see my own grieving processes at work in relation to the subject matter, and it was helpful to me to know and understand that I was experiencing NORMAL grief. About this book, I can say two words: just……wow.
To Be Free
As spath pointed out to me recently, What is the definition of insanity? Doing the etc. etc. In other words he was admitting he absolutely had done everything I had thought and more and he would continue to do the same thing for eternity. He gets angry when I accuse him yet he admits it in his own way by saying that to me. It’s a tell. Don’t berate yourself for going back once again. It’s an addiction. It will get easier not to go back and at some point down the road you will find him laughable. When you are “in the moment” and you realize that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie, it will get easier.
Truthspeak:
Thank you.
ToBeFree……I’m so relieved that my words weren’t hurtful to you. I can be a little bull in a china shop sometimes and impulsive. Then I look back and go, yikes! I also need to keep in mind that everyone’s story here is different and that everyone is at different stages of recovery and will experience that recovery in their own time, in their own way.
I used to TRY to keep this in mind with Spathx……till it finally dawned on me……he’s not taking ANY steps forwards, not even baby steps! Oh! Hey! I’m going backwards!! Let go of me Spathtard!!
Once I saw him as XXX poison? Staying away and not even WANTING to be with him has been so much easier. He just feels dirty and polluted and gross to me. No going back to that image.
The steps forward that he took were part of the game. Another face of the illusion. The fog is lifting and I’m seeing him/ it for what it was.
Truthy….you amaze me. So wise and your words are so on target. Thank you.
Thank You Kmillercats.
I want this to get easier. But I still have a hard road to go on.
One thing that he and I did together was go to concerts. We like country music (we live in the south) and there are some concerts coming up. I want to go BUT…. lately I can’t even listen to this type of music because it all reminds me of him!! So, I thinking that there is no way I could sit through a concert!! Why does He has to affect every area of my life!!!
Killercats, Spathx did a very similar ” tell” a few months before we split, talking about this guy he works with who has quit, returned, quit, returned but is always bitching about the guy who owns the business. He was talking to me about this and said……how many times does he have to come back? He knows it’s going to be the same so stop bitching about it! Well ill bet their boss didn’t make endless promises about how he was going to change and that the job would be there forever, etc.
it was most certainly a tell.
What a looser.
ToBeFree, one of the barbs on the exspath’s lure was his “old fashioned” preferences. Like the old movies with James Cagney and all of the greats from the B&W film era. I loved the classics, and even more, the music from then.
Well, I STILL can’t watch some of my pre-exspath favorite movies, yet, because he claimed to be SUCH an old-fashioned man with old-fashioned values. Bwahahahahahahahhahah!!!!!!!!!!! I have to laugh my arse off about that, really!!! LOLOLOL
There will come a day when I can listen to the Dorsey brothers, again, without being reminded of the exspath. There will.
Brightest blessings
Truth: Well, at least you know how I feel!!
I’m also worried that if I go to the concerts that I might run into him and whoever!