Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Rochelle.”
As part of the problem with my particular sociopath, the way they interpret behaviors is not like the rest of us. I have a list of examples:
What you do or say and what the sociopath hears
Expressing an opinion or feeling = ranting and anger issues.
Getting angry when he belittles and talks down to me = raging and anger issues.
Doing things for my husband and stepdaughter = I must have an ulterior motive.
Saying I like something in a shop window or magazine = me trying to manipulate him into buying me something.
Crying because I am hurting = drama queen.
Me asking him not to bring up a topic while out with friends = me being controlling.
Taking my husband to the hospital after he filed for divorce behind my back and then taking care of him afterward = me trying to get a better settlement out of him.
Changing my mind on something = hypocrisy.
His unfriending his sisters on Facebook = I can’t stand to hear that I am wrong and will give up my sisters to prove my point.
His being married 4 times = he made the wrong choices and did nothing wrong.
Having a female coworker as his best friend instead of his wife = this woman means more to me than you do.
Direct depositing my own money into my own account = stealing.
Going away for a family wedding and not staying at the hotel with the family because he SWORE I was there = paranoia. I was in another state the entire time.
Not doing things exactly the way he would = me being wrong.
Not liking being controlled by him his female coworker = me being wrong.
Me wanting sex once a week = me being a nymphomaniac.
Me buying a sandwich for lunch = me overspending.
Me loving my husband, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking his meals, being supportive in all aspects of his life = I am beneath him and him not having the ability to show how appreciative he is.
Oh dear……if the sex was at least good with Spathx that would have been a perk, however, nothing. I totally was attracted and enthusiastic towards him but………foot tap………..
You better keep that thought in the fore front of your mind little missy!! It could all be a fake too. A set up. There might not even BE another woman. Trickery!
Watch’em.
To Be Free:
The sex is what is keeping you hooked. Going cold turkey is the only way or else you are going to be trapped in this forever. Believe me…I know. PLEASE don’t let him continue to use you…please. It breaks my heart to know this is happening. Take care.
Louise: It has been what was keeping me hooked into him but even though I had seen him the past 3 weekends, only this past weekend were we intimate. But now that I KNOW that he is having sex with someone else, it really does make me sick.
I am sure you all know what it feels like to have thoughts of “why am I not good enough for him” and “what could I have done better”. It is a battle in my mind!
I don’t want to be trapped forever!!!! I want To Be Free and be the happy, positive, outgoing person I use to be!!!
TBF…..you still ARE that person….you are under a spell, intoxicated on a drug, not in love. You are addicted to an illusion. I strongly recommend you read the post, “I’m addicted to him” and Zootowngirl’s follow up post today. It hit me like a ton of Spath slime. Powerful message and beautifully written.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/08/10/im-addicted-to-him/#comment-186841
TBF? Not good enough?? For a Spath? We should all be thankful we are not ” good enough” for the likes of them and offer our condolences to the next sucker that they trap in their web of deceit and shame.
To Be Free,
Read up on oxytocin.That is what the sexual bond is providing.It is what keeps the couple together.So,yes,you must go ‘cold turkey’.Call it withdrawal,if you will.Plan other things to keep your mind active.In time,you will find the fire is burning out and you will feel better.As advised here,go No Contact and Stay No Contact!It is the ONLY WAY TO GET OVER THE RELATIONSHIP AND START HEALING!
To Be Free:
Yes, I know what those feelings of “not being good enough are like.” I still have them even after I know he hates me. Those feelings have nearly destroyed me. That is why I called a counselor today. She is not accepting new patients, but referred me to someone else in her office who is. This counseling is my last hope. I can’t do this without help. I have to figure out why I want to be “wanted” by someone as disordered as he. Take care.
Oh god….he is filth to me. Maybe you have not gotten to that place yet. There was an oxytocin addiction with him BIG TIME but not through sex, just “affection”. That was the lure in his trap for me. Now I see that lure as rotten meat. Praise be!
But before I got to this point it was withdrawls and I still feel it if I allow my thoughts to run unchecked, thinking about the illusion and not the reality.
I am truely thankful for all the help and advise and encouragement I have gained here today.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
ToBeFree, sexual relations with a sociopath appear to be terrific because they are MIRRORING WHAT THEY SEE IN THEIR TARGETS. PERIOD. They are typically NOT very adept lovers once they’ve set their hook in the targets’ mouths. At first, sex with the exspath was intoxicating. Once we began living together, it became as rote and bizarre imaginable.
NOTE: I am using CAPS as a means of emphasis, and they are not to be interpreted as “virtual yelling,” by any stretch of the imagination. Emphasis, ONLY, for you and my response to Louise, below.
Because a sociopath is absent of a conscience and LITERALLY incapable of feeling empathy, compassion, or remorse, they CANNOT BOND with their targets. The only “bond” is within our own minds. Once that hook has been set, the sex is ONLY as good as our own imaginations are. The only imagination that a sociopath can express during sexual encounters is pushing the edge of deviant sexuality. This is very difficult for most people in recovery to process – they were, in no way, connected to us. They simply used us as a means of gratification which they could get with any device, blowup doll, street walker, or hollowed-out melon. They MIRROR our own desires, fantasies of romance, and love and use our OWN SELVES as disposable tools.
To put it succinctly, victim targets hold NO MORE IMPORTANCE than a used snotrag, and not one of us is deserving of that label. Each and every one of us has value in this great and vast Universe, but spaths do not exist in the same Universe that we do.
Louise, you will get through this. You will. But, I’m going to type something very stern and it’s up to you to either read the truth in the words, or interpret them in another way: his hatred of you isn’t important to you. He hates EVERYONE and seeks out and destroys those who don’t recognize what his is, immediately.
Do you really believe that you are unworthy, un-deserving, and all of the other negative “Un’s” that exist? If that were true, you wouldn’t be searching for answers and recovery. So, get fucking ANGRY, now. ANGRY. ANGRY. AAAAAAAAAAAANGRY!!! It is not a sin to feel anger, Louise, and you DESERVE to feel righteous anger for what he did to you!
There comes a point when simmering in the pits of despair is no longer useful. God, don’t I know this from my personal experiences….and, this is something that you’re going to either choose to wrestle down, or not.
Think about what you HAVE going for you, Louise. You have your own home. You have your own source of income. You have the means to repair your life if you make that choice. But, you are going to have to make some tough decisions. And, the first one is whether or not the spath has earned your righteous anger, or your continued love for a fraud.
Brightest and most sincere blessings of support and encouragement