Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Rochelle.”
As part of the problem with my particular sociopath, the way they interpret behaviors is not like the rest of us. I have a list of examples:
What you do or say and what the sociopath hears
Expressing an opinion or feeling = ranting and anger issues.
Getting angry when he belittles and talks down to me = raging and anger issues.
Doing things for my husband and stepdaughter = I must have an ulterior motive.
Saying I like something in a shop window or magazine = me trying to manipulate him into buying me something.
Crying because I am hurting = drama queen.
Me asking him not to bring up a topic while out with friends = me being controlling.
Taking my husband to the hospital after he filed for divorce behind my back and then taking care of him afterward = me trying to get a better settlement out of him.
Changing my mind on something = hypocrisy.
His unfriending his sisters on Facebook = I can’t stand to hear that I am wrong and will give up my sisters to prove my point.
His being married 4 times = he made the wrong choices and did nothing wrong.
Having a female coworker as his best friend instead of his wife = this woman means more to me than you do.
Direct depositing my own money into my own account = stealing.
Going away for a family wedding and not staying at the hotel with the family because he SWORE I was there = paranoia. I was in another state the entire time.
Not doing things exactly the way he would = me being wrong.
Not liking being controlled by him his female coworker = me being wrong.
Me wanting sex once a week = me being a nymphomaniac.
Me buying a sandwich for lunch = me overspending.
Me loving my husband, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking his meals, being supportive in all aspects of his life = I am beneath him and him not having the ability to show how appreciative he is.
TRUTHSPEAK: RIGHT ON !!!!
TOUGH LOVE HARD TO HEAR< BUT SO NEEDED
Truthspeak:
Yep, I agree with EVERYTHING you said. I’ve been angry for a very long time. Too long. That’s the problem and I don’t know what to do with it. The problem for me personally is I have wanted to direct that anger at the proper source…him!!! He deserves it. But…I can’t. So I deal with it other ways.
I am coming out of the feeling unworthy thing. I think just the fact that I contacted a counselor is a big step in the right direction. I did go to counseling last year also, but at that time, it did not help. Soooo…I am trying again and have higher hopes this time.
It’s funny that you used almost the exact words I had…you said victims are nothing more than a used snotrag and I TOLD HIM those almost words…I told him he discarded me like a used tissue. Yep.
You are right…I do have my own home, own money, etc. I truly, truly hope that does not make others here feel bad. I can’t help what I have. God has blessed me and I feel it’s because I have done things in His honor to BE blessed. I am not saying other people have not…I am only talking about ME and what I believe He has done for me because of my obedience to Him.
I don’t want to stay in the pit…that is why I am going to counseling. I want to deal with this. I am going to go in and tell her what I need to accomplish. I need to tell her that I need more than just someone to talk to…I can talk to my friends for FREE. This is going to be very expensive and I need someone to get to the root of my problems…not someone to JUST LISTEN.
You bet he has earned my righteous anger!!!!
Thank you…love to you. 🙂
Louise and Tobefree, it’s so hard to do what you are doing. I once said to my boss….I can’t do this job! Too late, he repled, you’re doing it.
It’s only now that I can see how far I’ve come. I can look back and hardly recognise the woman that I was when I was engaged in the “push pull” of the spath. Yet I never thought I would get over it. That I would always be addicted to him.
I want to tell you to hang on. Keep moving forward, keep fighting. You won’t disappoint yourself. You will learn, like I am doing, that you CAN live on your own. You can support yourself. You can love yourself and forgive yourself. After a very long time, I’m nearly healed. Do I still think of him? Yes. I do. But with no contact it’s a distant memory. I could not care less If he hates me. I don’t hate him. I feel nothing now.
It’s a complete revelation that I, strongawoman, can say that. I was just where you are. I’m here to tell you that from the depths of despair there is light, there is hope and there is life. Grasp that new life my friends and hold it tightly. Value it and cherish it. Someone decided I deserved a second chance…..and Im not letting some low life spath ruin it for me. Not this time round.
strongawoman:
Woo hoo!! Great post.
I KNOW I will get there. I can’t wait until I feel total indifference. I think in my head what holds me back is why has it been sooooo long?? Why haven’t I been able to get past this long before now? I am way farther along than I was even a year ago and light years away from where I was three years ago so there is improvement…big improvement actually.
It is so good to hear someone say they were here where I am and there is light ahead. I KNOW that, but it is good to hear. I want to get there. Can’t wait. There is a whole world out there and I am going to grab it. I am realizing so much more that his life is so messed up and ALWAYS will be, but I will have peace and abundance.
That’s what I want to feel…nothing. It will be in time. I have faith. Thank you so much. It means so much to me that you posted to me. I love when people like you, Truthspeak and Tea Light or ALL others take the time to write.
The nirvana of indifference. That’s a phrase I got from Oxy.
………and you are most welcome. 🙂
Used tissue…..I used that one too. Empty cigarette pack, condom.all of those I used as examples of how his indifference towards my feelings, needs and well being made me feel.
Now my analogy for him, and how I’m really beginning to see him is……he’s dog sh-t that I stepped in and I’m cleaning it off the bottom of my shoe. F him. He is vile, polluted filthy and not even close to deserving of anything from me. I’m SO not going to feed him anymore…..not one more Spath biscuit from me. Let him nurse off his Spath mother for the rest of her days and starve when she dies.
Tea Light:
I found this. Can’t wait to listen to it.
http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/allinthemind/the-prison-of-depression—a-conversation-with/3310272
Also, I go to my first counseling session on Tuesday morning. It is expensive and I am not able to have it discounted. She doesn’t do discounts. The first 2-4 sessions will be just getting to know me and what I need; what has happened to bring me there. I am looking forward to what this can do for me. I am a bit afraid though…what if it doesn’t help? I am going to push that thought out of my mind.
How are you? x
Hi To All,
I rarely have time to read all before bed, made attempt tonight and glad I did.
To Be Free, Hang in there! You have come to the right place. When I first found LF, I still wanted my spath-binky back…and cried over it DAILY!! Now I cry for me..and just b/c I am wounded. These wonderful people will shine the light for us down the path we must go. And it really is better than back to them…which I know think of as hell on earth. Hugs and peaceful days to you…I am 2 months NC, and though I still hurt, it is better than when I was still letting him have peices of me.
Truthy,
I am particularly in need of your tough love approach, thank you for all you share. I read every bit of it and you never cease to leave me with a revelation I needed to hear. It is b/c of the cold hard facts approach, that I accept he never loved me. I did not like it…but it is true. Thx for all your wisdom. BTW, I let myself cry in front of family today…my dog licked my face. Comfort I am grateful to have….love my dog. May just settle for a dog instead of a mate.
Peace and hugs to all,
Blue
Blue,
I think you may be on to something there.
Dogs instead of possible spaths!
I used to be a cat girl myself, but I think a dog would make me get out and exercise more, it would be a good warning for visitors, and a warm body for snuggling.
Louise- good luck with the counseling. I am looking for one also, please keep us posted on whether she “gets it” or not.
discovering:
I will definitely keep everyone posted. Thanks for the encouragement.