Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Rochelle.”
As part of the problem with my particular sociopath, the way they interpret behaviors is not like the rest of us. I have a list of examples:
What you do or say and what the sociopath hears
Expressing an opinion or feeling = ranting and anger issues.
Getting angry when he belittles and talks down to me = raging and anger issues.
Doing things for my husband and stepdaughter = I must have an ulterior motive.
Saying I like something in a shop window or magazine = me trying to manipulate him into buying me something.
Crying because I am hurting = drama queen.
Me asking him not to bring up a topic while out with friends = me being controlling.
Taking my husband to the hospital after he filed for divorce behind my back and then taking care of him afterward = me trying to get a better settlement out of him.
Changing my mind on something = hypocrisy.
His unfriending his sisters on Facebook = I can’t stand to hear that I am wrong and will give up my sisters to prove my point.
His being married 4 times = he made the wrong choices and did nothing wrong.
Having a female coworker as his best friend instead of his wife = this woman means more to me than you do.
Direct depositing my own money into my own account = stealing.
Going away for a family wedding and not staying at the hotel with the family because he SWORE I was there = paranoia. I was in another state the entire time.
Not doing things exactly the way he would = me being wrong.
Not liking being controlled by him his female coworker = me being wrong.
Me wanting sex once a week = me being a nymphomaniac.
Me buying a sandwich for lunch = me overspending.
Me loving my husband, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking his meals, being supportive in all aspects of his life = I am beneath him and him not having the ability to show how appreciative he is.
Kmillercats:
“What is the definition of insanity? ”
My heart skipped… ex douchebag asked me the SAME question twice after raging..in his false..lame make up strategy. Too eerie.
Lou, great news, you only have a few days to wait till your first appointment. If it doesn’t ‘gel’ for you, find someone else. It’s a working relationship, so you need to feel comfortable working with this person, I suggest you make some notes before Tuesday, just some bullet points, explaining your counseling goals. As you know, we aren’t paying for them to listen and chew a pencil ( anyway it’s just Freudian psychoanalysts who do that I think), we want guidance. As Dorothy Rowe says ( I’ve listened to that interview! I posted some quotes from the transcript on the revisiting counseling thread, hope you find it useful) therapy is a journey and the counselor signposts us and suggests paths to take. It’s us that has to do the walking and the direction taking. It’s no picnic.
Like Truthy – who I see is taking the unvarnished approach with you like I did the other day Lol! Go Truthy, Go Truthy …( You know it’s because of genuine care and concern for you) I suggest – no – wait – I am TELLING you young lady, it matters not a Tinker’s Toss what that individual thinks of you. There is no relationship any more. It’s over. It’s all about you now Lou. It’s Lou time, it’s all about Lou. What Lou thinks of Lou is the issue.
I’m not great. GP doubled my citalopram dose. Disaster. Cannot function barely. Walked past my own building yesterday. Was half way down the road before I ”woke up” and realised …if I don’t come off this sh*t I’m going to lose my mind. Counseling tomorrow. And
IT’S THE SPRING EQUINOX TODAY ALL !! Hurrah! Winter is over! err…in the UK anyway.
Love to you as ever Loulou , we’ll be alright in the end xx
Great Rochelle!!! This is EXACTLY how things go with them… there is NO communication possible, as if we are speaking different languages… but much of it is intentional and self-serving because in the initial luring in phase this is not how they appear to interpret us.. nor do they interpret others like that…it is only when we are well and truly captured that this interpretation gap comes in…
Sparky, the definition of insanity in all of the 12 step programs is, when you keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
Tea Light:
Thanks. I agree. I said in another post how I need to tell her upfront that I need more than someone who will just listen to me. I can do that for free with my friends. I need someone who will guide me and tell me this is what is going on and this is what you need to do to fix it. I know it will not be easy (not sure if you saw that post of mine).
I didn’t see your quotes on that thread…am I missing them?
So sorry you are feeling worse. I have a suggestion and like you with me, it is only because I care about you…do you really feel like you need the citalopram? It sounds like it is only making you worse! What good is it? Is there something else you can do?
Much love to you!!!! I can’t wait to be “alright in the end.” xx
Truthspeak:
Did you see my post above? Just wondering if you can help me with the anger? What do I do with it? Any suggestions. Thank you.
Louise, anger is a “normal” human response and we’ve been taught to suppress it, right?
What I’ve done with my anger was to journal it in a notebook with pen – using paper and writing utensils connect me to the words, physically, as well as emotionally.
I’ve also ranted like a banshee while I was driving. In the safety of my vehicle with the windows rolled up and the heater blasting, I could scream every venomous insult, every feeling of despair, every accusation, and every wish that the exspath would just die right out loud until I would develop a headache! LOL
And, I would cry and sob and weep in the shower – somehow, it seemed the best place to wash off the tears and snot down into the drain.
Punching a pillow (Donna’s suggestion), or throwing a dozen eggs at a tree….ANY expression of anger that doesn’t threaten one’s safety or the safety of others is okie dokie.
Brightest blessings
Lou, the quotes from Dorothy Rowe I posted in Truthy’s article on revisiting counseling. And guess what… since yesterday, I’ve been seriously wondering what the hell good this citalopram is actually doing me. It’s zombified me! I have maybe two hours a day of feeling functional and alert . That just is not OK, I have to work. So you’re right. I think I want to stop. You can’t stop suddenly, , or the withdrawal can be a ‘mare, but you can taper it off. I can’t go on like this. There are other things , other techniques to manage the anxiety. It’s just that I was in such a desperate state in December I relented. My GP scared me when he said my state was ‘of serious concern’, but honestly, they just throw this stuff at you and hope it works, they know perfectly well it doesn’t do anything for a lot of people, and that it causes intolerable side effects for others. I was told – you might get some headaches. Yeah RIGHT!! That’s the only problem! I went on a citalopram group discussion and some guy, a lawyer, said he had to stop, he just could not do his job, like me it turned his brain to mush. It’s hard to explain. It’s like a fogginess, like your head is full of cotton wool where your brain should be. I’m utterly sick of it. So thanks love. We’re on the same wavelength about this. x
About letting the anger out, I use humour, it works for me. Mocking him, or the situation in general. Laughing releases the anger in a healthy way, for me. I’m not a throwing things person , I don’t like loud noises plus am neurotic about having things that others don’t, so I’d just think – oooh I can’t throw eggs there’s people starving in the world, I can’t chuck plates, that’s a waste of resources!! lol.
Truthspeak
You have to be careful throwing things. I about threw my arm out of the socket one time when I was so mad. Golf works good. You can imagine faces on the balls when you hit a drive. Makes me drive better.:) Target practice works good also. You can put pictures on the target. LOL