Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Rochelle.”
As part of the problem with my particular sociopath, the way they interpret behaviors is not like the rest of us. I have a list of examples:
What you do or say and what the sociopath hears
Expressing an opinion or feeling = ranting and anger issues.
Getting angry when he belittles and talks down to me = raging and anger issues.
Doing things for my husband and stepdaughter = I must have an ulterior motive.
Saying I like something in a shop window or magazine = me trying to manipulate him into buying me something.
Crying because I am hurting = drama queen.
Me asking him not to bring up a topic while out with friends = me being controlling.
Taking my husband to the hospital after he filed for divorce behind my back and then taking care of him afterward = me trying to get a better settlement out of him.
Changing my mind on something = hypocrisy.
His unfriending his sisters on Facebook = I can’t stand to hear that I am wrong and will give up my sisters to prove my point.
His being married 4 times = he made the wrong choices and did nothing wrong.
Having a female coworker as his best friend instead of his wife = this woman means more to me than you do.
Direct depositing my own money into my own account = stealing.
Going away for a family wedding and not staying at the hotel with the family because he SWORE I was there = paranoia. I was in another state the entire time.
Not doing things exactly the way he would = me being wrong.
Not liking being controlled by him his female coworker = me being wrong.
Me wanting sex once a week = me being a nymphomaniac.
Me buying a sandwich for lunch = me overspending.
Me loving my husband, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking his meals, being supportive in all aspects of his life = I am beneath him and him not having the ability to show how appreciative he is.
Blue and lifting the veil,
I am so sorry you’re having a bad day.Just keep saying in your mind and heart that “tomorrow(whether it’s literally 24 hrs or not) will be better” and know that we have to heal at our own pace.
I do admire both of you for being able to release your sadness with tears.That is good.It’s like lancing a wound and leads to healing.I wish I could say it was easy for me to cry.Not so.Not unless my body ‘sends’ me into a crying jag.Or if I watch a sad show.Now that works really good!
lifting the veil,
Just wondering if you ever sought counseling?And is it possible to walk your dog somewhere else?Make some new memories!
Please watch this “blame game” act sociopaths try to do to you. They use this trick to get you to doubt your own sanity in making sound decisions yourself, or in other words, to cause confusion. Sometimes they use this as a cover-up, either for an affair that’s going on behind your back or they are trying to project their image onto you (basically a way of letting you know how they think and the reason why they would be doing the things you’re doing). When you are accused of having an intention behind an action, ask the question “when have I done this for this (insert reason here) before?” and if they cannot give you a reference , they are showing you what they have done, will do, or planning on doing.
I really admire Donna’s courage in helping those who are or were victims. I also really admire all of your willing to share your stories openly on forums. It takes a lot of courage to express yourself after all you’ve been through. Good luck on your recovery to all of you.
http://www.learus.wordpress.com (my writings on this subject)
well its the end of another day and as the another day ends my hope for all of us is a better day tomorrow……i used to always be such a positive person and only saw the good in people and i trusted people cause i knew no better …………….the one thing i have lost because of this experience is my innocence and there is no getting that back its gone forever……………:(
tealight thank you…..i have been lucky enough to have some support although they listen i still feel there is a lack of truely understanding or just not getting it….like we do…they dont understand that you just cant put it behind you that easy…..the tain wreck which once resembled your life………..not so easy to move on….im greatful for the community here as i said for the past while i have found strength and comfort here just reading and understanding what has happened to me but it doesnt make it any easier to heal.
blossom4th……..i have been in councelling for over 2 years now,it has been a journey……..first time i was referred to a counsellor by my employer and they were just there to listen at the time it was all about the grief of loss regard my breakup…….and then i found another councellor …to help me on the next stage…it is safe to say i had a breakown after my relationship ended…………….during this time my life fell apart…………and i found myself an amazing councellor who saved my life……………and the time with her revealed many many truths about my life and journey…….and i fell into a deeper hole than ever………… at this point again…i had to move on to another councellor who i am still with and though i have felt like giving up many many times i have stuck it out and she has pushed me to face the core issues in my life that lead me to be wide open to what happened to me………again like so many here……….i had little or no boundaries and no life coping skills……..i came from a very disfunctional family and grew up with very low self esteem and i found out so much about me…….i have a high tolerance for abuse and abusive situations because of my upbringing……………my breakup started a journey where all i did was talk about her…my ex…and what she did and why did she do it to me and i still ask those questions but now i have started to look at me…………..started to look at my healing,its not about her anymore……….i have to recover………………i need to recover my life………..i almost lost it…………was that close so many times ,in dispair and grief .but im still here today and do you know i can say im thankfull………………..they say everything happens for a reason…..at first i didnt know why this happened to me…………but i do now….it was so i would find out the truth about my life…………………a year after i broke up with my ex i went to see a psychic and i was blown away……..she told me…………………this………………a divine intervention had taken place in my life,to remove a veil…………..that i was living an illusion …..she told me the person i had been involved with had been very cruel to me…….and that it was a karma event in my life,a life lesson for both me and her…………….this is why i call myself lifting the veil cause thats what happened………..my story is a little different to many here…..though the same………….i knew alot about the person i was with as we were together for 16 years and i realise i excepted the unexceptable for years……but the majority of what happened i didnt know about untill it was too late…untill i had ended it for another reason….and then my life truely fell apart cause i didnt know what happened,i didnt understand,my reality fell apart,was taken from me,it ended in a train wreck and im still trying to pick up the pieces of my life……its a long road but i hope in time it gets better and that one day i will find my smile again………….people used to always say to me i was always smiling…………..i have`nt smiled for years now,now they say i always look so sad…:(
anyways ill say nite all…..and wish everyone healing hear and blessings that as each new day comes we get stronger and better….!
In the post above about twisted word and action when i read it, to me i felt its all true, and someone has just lived my life
Thanks
GM to All,
Heavy day of grieving yesterday, still crying today. Thx to all of you for kind words.
To be Free,
Hugs back to you! This place has become one of my main support systems. It amazes me how calming it is to the soul, to have complete strangers share in their experience. I am so very grateful.
Lifting the Veil,
I love your name! I too have had a rough journey in life, hugs to you for all you have suffered. I pray for us both that there will be light ahead …that this painful time for us will lead to peace.
Louise,
The grief I feel has somedays left me feeling like I am just done…don’t want to make the effort any longer to heal. I am just soooo tired of being broken and needing more “fixing.” I have had the thought of thinking the grief was going to be the death of me…no wish to end my own life, but rather no desire to continue trying to make it better. I quess those are my pity-party days. I feel so off balance when I see how somedays, a part of me “rears up” and feels strong and then swings back to feeling broken and sad? It has been a very destabilizing ride. Thx for your telling me it gets better. The thoughts that circle in my head when I am crying, leave me feeling like something in me has died and I will not get better….I needed to hear that “I” will.
Fixerupper,
I really appreciate the idea that on the other side of my pain, there will be “health, warmth and Love.” I know it is true that he wanted to see me miserable. The evil in that reality… just floors me. Someone, who I thought loved me…actually took pleasure in causing me pain and wanted to see me emotionally destroyed. I am grateful for this message of hope. I just feel like I’m in an abyss of emo-damage. I feel like he dragged me to hell. My perception of life has been altered permenently.
Blossom4th,
Thx for your kind words too. I cry easily…always have. Not sure if that’s good or not so good. Somehow, I think this will lead to my being less emotional in the future. Not b/c I will be less emotional inside, but b/c I will not let another human being take me to a place, where my breakdown is the outcome. My pain must have given him pleasure…I did not know that when I was with him, b/c he seemed to hate it when I showed negative emotion?? Maybe this whole thing will toughen me up.
I have an admission. As I respond to all of you…I feel flat. I do not know how else to put it.. even though I feel grateful for the kind and encouraging messages… I feel like my thx for them is flat, like everything I say and do now is meaningless and empty? Before I met him, I felt so much love and warmth in my heart, so much peace and joy in most days…truly had so many good family and friends in my life. I thought I was a happy person. Even enjoying small gestures of caring with people that I was just aquaintences with. I know, on an intellectual level, that this man just uncovered old wounds…and yet, I feel like I have just been completely altered. Is this normal? Feeling flat? Feeling completely altered? How I wish I could be at peace with me again…I wish I had never met him. I wish I had my innocence back…start my life over from age nine…and be born into different family. Never needing to meet Spath-hole to teach me a “lesson.” I quess I am argueing with GOD about my journey. Not happy with the plot of my life at all. Truly think I’m done with men. Why the H— bother?
Hugs to all of you, thank you all for the encouragement,
Blue
Hi Blue,
sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Grief is not straight forward is it!! There are days when it’s three steps forward and five back. The process of recovery is hard work……what a massive understatement.
Seems to me you’re “kitchen sinking.” Throwing everything into the pot….childhood issues, ex issues, future relationship issues. You can’t sort it all out all at once. You know this of course, just sending you a gentle reminder.
Hows the counselling going? Maybe you need some medication as well. I’ve taken anti ds and they were a life saver for me.
Try and be kind to yourself. Hugs Blue!!
Good morning Blue. {{hug}} This state you are in might be compared to the bargaining phase of grief. Grief is a huge part of this and can’t be rushed. It cant be orchestrated by anything other than its self. We don’t want to rush it even though it sucks and is painful beyond description. We need to learn the lesson, and heal the pain this has triggered in a thorough way so we don’t need to repeat.
I’m thinking its perfectly normal and to be expected that some days will be better than others……our entire life is like that, as is everyone’s. All necessary cycles. It does absolutely no good to compound feeling bad with wishing you didn’t and in my opinion prolongs that cycle of feeling bad. Feel it as thoroughly as possible so as to move through it. Really embrace it as your teacher and the medicine necessary to heal. BUT!!! At the same time, instead of using your mental activity to wish for things that you have no ability to change or control, use your mined to temper your feelings with the reminder that this too shall pass and the sun will come up tomorrow.
Hang I there Blue and keep the faith, the faith in yourself and the natural order of universal wisdom. We may not always understand it but it is there to help us none the less.
Thx Strongawoman,
I do feel overwhelmed by the aftermath of this experience. “kitchen-sinking”…Yes, I quess I am doing this. I just see so many obstacles to being ok again, that I don’t know where to begin. I am also a sugar addict…and since I have been NC, I am self medicating…numbing myself with sugar. Sugar sends me into emo-upheaval. The days I cry the most are preceded by a day of ice-cream or other “poison” for me. I can’t metabolize the stuff. I have known this for years. I know better…but the pain has led to relapse for me. I know from being a 12-stepper, that “One thing at a time” …is the only sane way to function when life throws us challenges. Getting through my pain and taking care of myself is about all I am going to focus on today. Thx for your kind words. I promise to be gentle with myself today.
I am seeing a new counselor, but think I will continue to look for someone who understands these dynamics better…I don’t feel completely comfortable with the second one I found either…though she is way better than the first one I saw. I have a friend who is helping me look, b/c she is one herself.
Hugs to you too,
Blue
Blue….feelings are feelings…..no normal or not normal involved. They are signs to direct us on the path forward, energy to process from the past.
The thing that is also important to realize is that our thoughts, when they run unchecked along their well worn ruts, can create the exact same feelings that are causing us pain.
GM D2,
Hugs back : ). I am sure you are right, that “this will pass”….I just am not sure of what will be left of me, when it does. I feel “reduced.” I do not feel the same hope for the future that I used to feel. I sure as hell don’t want to repeat this lesson though …so I will face it…I am just not in a good place right now. Hope you are having a better day.
Blue