Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader “Rochelle.”
As part of the problem with my particular sociopath, the way they interpret behaviors is not like the rest of us. I have a list of examples:
What you do or say and what the sociopath hears
Expressing an opinion or feeling = ranting and anger issues.
Getting angry when he belittles and talks down to me = raging and anger issues.
Doing things for my husband and stepdaughter = I must have an ulterior motive.
Saying I like something in a shop window or magazine = me trying to manipulate him into buying me something.
Crying because I am hurting = drama queen.
Me asking him not to bring up a topic while out with friends = me being controlling.
Taking my husband to the hospital after he filed for divorce behind my back and then taking care of him afterward = me trying to get a better settlement out of him.
Changing my mind on something = hypocrisy.
His unfriending his sisters on Facebook = I can’t stand to hear that I am wrong and will give up my sisters to prove my point.
His being married 4 times = he made the wrong choices and did nothing wrong.
Having a female coworker as his best friend instead of his wife = this woman means more to me than you do.
Direct depositing my own money into my own account = stealing.
Going away for a family wedding and not staying at the hotel with the family because he SWORE I was there = paranoia. I was in another state the entire time.
Not doing things exactly the way he would = me being wrong.
Not liking being controlled by him his female coworker = me being wrong.
Me wanting sex once a week = me being a nymphomaniac.
Me buying a sandwich for lunch = me overspending.
Me loving my husband, washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking his meals, being supportive in all aspects of his life = I am beneath him and him not having the ability to show how appreciative he is.
Hi Blue, I feel your pain. I am going through the same feelings. I am so down I can’t even stand myself. one of my friends saw him Sat night and then his daughter texted me Sun. It just sets me back. I was also thinking I would remove blocks so that I could hear from him, so that I could feel better, even for just one minute.
Mich0101,
Thx for ditto’ing my blah’ness. ((Hugs)) to you for how you feel…I am so sad for all of us that are stuck in the pain part right now. Makes me want to cry for humanity..that these monsters exist. I have always been such a kind and caring person…just makes me feel sick to my core that someone would want to destroy me… and you…anyone. The simple fact that I care for others…maybe that is where I can find my hope today. I am not souless like “IT.” I am beginning to see him as Stephen King’s “IT.” Evil personified.
Blue
Blue, I understand. It’s exhausting on all levels. It really is like being in the throws of labor. Pain, exhaustion, etc…. We are doing it though…..we are going to make it through this and be better for it. Just try not to think depleting thoughts. Delete and replace with helpful ones. No easy task but it is the task in front of us right now.
Dotty
Blu,
I just wanted to say I hope ur feeling better … I saw how down u were today and know how painful the grief process is….. U have to see it as that … Something u have to go through… To get to the other side .. Things will improve for you.. Get better .. It takes time and lots of healing .. Be gentle on yourself you have suffered so much but this will make u stronger in time and one day when ur happy and smiling again and when there are no more tears u will look back and say wow I don’t know how I made it through that but I did and u will have learned so much.
I try think more positive thoughts… When I get up in the morning I try to change direction instead of letting my mind run away with sad negative painful thoughts of what has happened and how can I get past this I have tried to focus on positive things in my life… Like I’m still here, like I have my job, my dogs, like I will go for a walk ..
I’m a true believer that thoughts become things . The law of attraction!
So if I live in my grief and sorrow and pain I will bring more and more into my life and continue to live in it.
So I have consciously decided I don’t want to live In the pain of what was done to me anymore.. I’m aware I can’t change what has happened but it is part of my past now and I don’t want it to define me as a person cause if I do I let it continue to come with me everyday into my future.
All we have is today so I try not to worry about tomorrow ..
I have lived with the anxiety and panic attacks every day for 2 years and they have started to lesson now that I take it one day at a time .
Blu u said something wonderful. . Ur a caring person! Hun you are a wonderful person who didn’t deserve to have anyone hurt u… I can see that u are healing just by you seeing ur own great qualities ..
Learning to love ourselves and saying I am a good person and what the spath did was wrong.
You sound so like me… Easily brought to tears over the slightest of things so no wonder u cry now cause of the emotional hurt.
Give ur heart time to heal.
Be gentle on yourself.
It takes time..
And you will recover and life will be better again .
Blessings to you..
Thanks for the twisting words and actions – wow I so relate! I just joined this site. I have been married a little more than one year and I thought I was going crazy. I lost my job – which I believe because I was under so much stress and my life has gone from bad to worse. I had no idea until this year that I was married to two extremely different people…starting to doubt myself on everything I do. I have always been an outgoing, confident, upbeat most of the time woman and have reached for the stars until my life crumbled before me and I met my now husband….who I thought was my soul-mate, the one man I couldn’t live without.. the twisting words and actions list really hit home and let me know that I am not crazy or alone.. Now that I am not working I seem to be doing more, which didn’t seem possible, even down to cleaning the garage. I have been called every name in the book, which in all my relationships I never thought possible (but it is); I never knew someone could be so dirty and sloppy and expect me to pick up after him; I never new someone could be sooooooo cold and aloof during the most important times. I never knew someone could treat birthday as if it was nothing and v-day as just another day…..I feel so trapped and just realizing this I have no idea how to get out! thank you all for letting me know I am not alone as I have felt so alone and sad and now I see a bit of light in the tunnel.
Understanding the minds of these monsters is critical. Damaged beyond repair, soulless. Many I have known, much they have shown. Nacicistic, meglomaniac thoughts run their minds. He called me Pinky, himself the brain. Cowards they truly are, accountability, responsibility, morals, values, they do not own. Pathalogical liars, cheats, thieves. Manipulation comes in many forms, line, hook, sinker, troll, control. Always on the hunt for another victim, wanting more. Rage, hate for humanity they do own, sharpening, cleaning, well honed blade. Life is a work in progress, this I have come to know. What do we take with us as we travel this road? Strength of spirit, compassion, empathy, priceless gems in this world of so much faux. Much we have attained, knowledge, wisdom. Niave, ignorant no longer can we claim. Exausted, angry, wasted time, emotion. He has taken much,given more, my self esteem, was bruised, not broken. A victim fighting for others he continually claims, newspapers, T.V. The truth/my sword, honor/my shield. I wrote the jounalist/his Face book friend in these last days, a courageouse heroine she had certainly created. I too would have applauded, shed tears, despised those inhumane wives, judgemental world, hate crimes. I introduced myself, aquainted we must be; You have written words slandereding. I married a transgendering woman? A lesbian you are calling me? I enquire to your research, proof of your/his words involving, inflicting, damaging me. Resonsibility, accountability I placed at her feet. Niave? not, ignorant maybe. I tried to give her the benifit of the doubt, victim #?. In closing I thanked her for bringing this heroines journey to light, time passes, unfolds, truths revealed, shine bright. I wished her the best in future endeavors, a book on him she is writting. I encouraged her here where real heroines reside . My second/last appointment, lawyer, $5,200= one hour. My file he had not read. His words I will not forget. Unless you have $10,000 more, nothing I can do for you. Wasted money, bottom feeders, what a world. Advice he did give, a badge in blue, many more. Write a book, an incredible story, unbelievable. My reply: halfway there, co stars I have many, he too will reside, marquis. Tragedies so many suffer, close the door, hide the victims less humanity should discover, rights for women, severlely lacking. Voices we have, creativity, opportunities, silver linings, one sort or another. Open a door, it is up to us. A blind struggle this life has been, we tend to cut ourselve short believing the words of others. Hurt, wounded, emotionaly devistated, giving humanity the power to control our present, futures. The past has been written, here we are. You are stronger than you realize, your goodness, compassion, empathy shines through. Take nothing spaths say as truth, naive we once were, educated, school of hard knocks we have graduated from, honors earned. My car died today, my employer/ verge of bankruptcy, destitute, rock bottom again, nowhere to go but up, lifes challanges. Mind/soul intact
Ladyinred what profound words..you have a way in writing so elegant ..
Touched deeply by your situation and journey .
Knowledge is certainly power and you have it.
Blessings to you.
Lady in Red,
That post ought to be published…I am blown away with your command over words. I like to write, and quite frankly…that was beautiful. Thx for sharing it here. Full of truth and insight. Your expressions make it plain…they are evil and we will overcome. Hugs to you.
Lifting the veil,
Thx for all you said. I will wake tomorrow and make a conciuos effort to bring to my mind the qualities I once knew I possesed. Too often, since this has happened, my thoughts are filled with him and the things he tried to convince me that I lack. But I know better. Thx for for putting it out here, that we all have value. To remind ourselves of that…I needed to hear that. Hugs to you,
Bluemosaic
Lady in Red,
I loved ALL of your post as it so eloquently attests to our experience with spath.But the words that I especially appreciate are: “Voices we have, creativity, opportunities, silver linings, one sort or another. Open a door, it is up to us.”
lifting the veil,
You also said something that expresses how I feel;and I think it has helped me move along in healing,though I don’t expect every day to be a great day.You said: “So I have consciously decided I don’t want to live In the pain of what was done to me anymore.. I’m aware I can’t change what has happened but it is part of my past now and I don’t want it to define me as a person cause if I do I let it continue to come with me everyday into my future.”
I still occasionally do research on psychopaths/sociopaths,etc.I still have questions that run through my mind sometimes that do need answering.Last night I found some really good information at healthyplace.com about emotional abuse and psychological abuse;gaslighting.I even found information about the silent treatment.I couldn’t help but clasping my hand to my mouth and thinking “OMG,he REALLY did want me dead!” as I read it.But,I know that it’s in the past and I’m thankful I was able to walk away and I don’t ever want to go back!
mich0101,
Please don’t remove those blocks EVEN FOR A MINUTE! I would compare it to a “sugar fix”.Like a diabetic drinking orange juice or eating candy to bring their glucose levels up so they “feel better”.But if they don’t get something besides the “sugar fix” into their system,they’ll be right back where they started, very shortly!
Thanks for the twisted word and action post seems so true, after what i have gone through and going through, i cant imagine my self loving again or trusting a man again. i hate man special from the origine I am from!