Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a young woman whom we’ll call “Krista.” She needs support. If you have any words of encouragement, please offer them.
I am so lost and upset. I am 22, I was with a guy for about a year ”¦ he swept me off my feet with his charm and seemingly genuine character. I am a good girl, never got into anything bad, partied in college but never got in trouble. I met my ex out of pure boredom, knew him from high school (he had a terrible “bad boy” reputation). He literally said all the right things, charmed me and I fell hard.
He got me with his sad story too (his mom passed away when he was 10 from a heroin overdose, and has 5 siblings and grew up very poor). He is an alcoholic, an ex coke head and E head ”¦ I started dating him knowing he was going into rehab and a halfway house (court ordered, he is on felony probation) ”¦ He said I was his angel and I gave his “lost soul” something to work hard for ”¦ my background in school is sociology and psychology and I come from a very good, close family ”¦ I really thought I could help him ”¦
For about 2 months everything was great even though he was not anywhere near my intellectual level (not bragging AT ALL), but I just blamed it on his past drug use and environmental factors from childhood and looked past it ”¦ Anyways, things went really bad, really quick. He got kicked out of the halfway house after about 2 months for running his mouth to a counselor ”¦ and he moved into my apartment with me (stupid idea, i know) ”¦
Bad behavior
Well ”¦ he started to beg to drink and hey, I’m 22 and I only knew him for 2 months at that point, I didn’t know if he was truly an alcoholic ”¦ well he is 100% ”¦
I remember the first time we went out and drank. He thought someone made a comment to me and he smashed the entire back windshield off a random car downtown, fled the scene and left me alone in the street and I had to meet him at the hospital ”¦ it was awful ”¦ and he cried and begged me to stay and said how sorry he was and I gave him another chance ”¦
After that I made him a resume so he could get a job, and we sent an email to a potential job for him. When I checked the “sent” box to make sure the attachment sent ”¦ I found 2 sexually explicit emails he sent out to MEN off a Craigslist ad looking for sex!?!?!?!
I immediately freaked out and didn’t know what to do, he denied it (he’s a pathological liar, lies about everything) ”¦ It took about 3 hours for him to finally admit that he was bi-sexual and had been with men. Well ”¦ I kicked him out that day, but it didn’t last ”¦ He cried and begged and said I was everything to him ”¦ and I took him back thinking MAYBE it could work if we went to counseling to try to figure out why he has sexual desires toward men.
Another apartment
Well we never went to counseling ”¦ we moved into another apartment together (BIG MISTAKE) ”¦ I wanted him to be the man I fell in love with, with all that charm and saying all the right things. He always said all the right things, his actions didn’t.
After we moved in with each other, over the course of about 9 months, I found probably 40 Facebook messages to other women (to me that’s cheating, whether he pursued it or not). He stole 23 of my prescribed Xanax (denied it, but I found the texts proving him selling them for adderal), text message from a girl at work, etc.
I tried breaking up with him several times ”¦ an example of how it went when I tried to break up with him includes: holding a butcher knife to his throat, dragging his head on the pavement out of my drivers side door, choking himself with my seatbelt, smashing a mirror over his head causing a concussion and another hospital trip, begging, promising the world to me, etc. He literally messed up 100 times, and then manipulated the living crap out of me to try to get me back each time.
Wanted to believe
I wanted to believe him SO bad that he would change and just be the nice guy he is 75% of the time. Well ”¦ I was miserable every day of my life, I didn’t know how to leave, I was scared to leave, I still “loved” him (really I just loved the idea of what I wish he was) ”¦
Finally about 6 weeks ago he really blew it over the edge. He started to bring cocaine into the apartment, started spending his entire paycheck at the bar, etc. Well this one particular night he drank about 15 beers, half a bottle of liquor then about 6 more drinks at the bar when we went out ”¦ He flirted with a girl (which I later found out he cheated on me with a week before I broke up with him) for about 4 hours in front of my face at the bar as I cried and begged them both to stop ”¦
The night ended with a phone call to the cops. He fled the scene and went god knows where ”¦ and I called my mom and we waited until 10 a.m. for him to finally get home and I broke up with him and asked him to pack his stuff and leave. He left, in a very cocky manner, denying that he did ANYTHING wrong ”¦
Harassment
Then, over a 5-week span after the breakup, he started “dating” her (he denied that), he posted himself on Craigslist for hookups with men, he committed harassment, aggravated harassment, and stalking to me, consisting of about 700 phones calls, 350 texts, 50 Facebook messages, emails, showing up at my apartment, 7 suicide threats (I’m on the train tracks and can hear it coming, I’m going to hang myself in the back yard, “I hope you like killing me”), etc. etc. etc. ”¦
Well I stayed strong for about 2 weeks ”¦ then he left a voicemail saying he got arrested and was going to go to jail for at least 1-3 years and “if you ever cared about me, call me back” ”¦ I called him back and had him come over ”¦ BIG MISTAKE ”¦
I contacted his probation officer and told her to leave my name out of anything because he clearly is getting into trouble on his own ”¦ Well once he had probation, the day after I had him over ”¦ he called screaming at me, saying the “arrest story” was a big LIE (to manipulate me into talking to him) ”¦ and his probation officer called me and said he lied (she’s not happy with him) ”¦ after that he still called over 300 times and contacted my friends to relay messages to me, etc.
Order of protection
Well I filed for an order of protection and finally THIS MORNING I had court to finalize a “full stay away for one year””¦ I saw him at court today for the first time in 3 weeks ”¦ It was AWFUL, he came in whistling, cocky, and gave the judge responses like “yup, nope.” It was terrible. The guards/cops came up to me afterwards and told me they got a good laugh at him because of his clearly controlling, manipulative, immature behavior.
Anyways ”¦ I guess I’m writing because I am having a hard night ”¦ I KNOW I clearly made the right decision by leaving him and getting the restraining order, but seeing him today at court was AWFUL. I can’t help but to still wish he was the sweet, “genuine” person I fell for ”¦ but he’s not.
My therapist is convinced that my ex is a narcissistic sociopath who is heavily emotionally and verbally abusive ”¦ I don’t know ”¦ I just am SO scared to ever love again, SO scared I am going to fall for another jerk. I want revenge and to tell all his friends that he is bi ”¦ I don’t know anymore ”¦ I just want to stop dwelling ”¦ help?
LFR, I just started my long journey away from my husband of 19 yrs, I’m seeing a lawyer next week. I knew he was like this(spath) when I met him, but convinced myself I could change him. Do you want to be 53 yrs old & just figuring this out? Of course not. I’ll use the old addage, “Pay me now, or Pay me later”,meaning,feel the pain now, don’t waste anymore time on him. He has NO conscience. Read up on as much material you can, & you’ll see him everywhere. My husband literally stepped over me as I almost died of the head injury he caused on me. Earlier that day, I would’ve told you he sort of still loved me deep down. My kids yelled at me(19 & 17) that HE DOESN”T CARE!! They did this to keep me alive, as I would die if it were only him & I. Who’d know what really happended? He now is telling everyone I fell down the stairs. He’s putting out a preemptive tail in case anyone finds out. I just today read ThaT this is very common, although at the time, I thought we’d keep it between us. Not anymore, game on. He feels nothing for me, just his reputation & his money. He’s used enough of my time & effort, I’ve wasted my best years to him. He laughed at you, don’t forget that, remember his smiling face as your heart broke. It’s OK to mourn what could have been, but also remember, that most of that is only in your imagination,he had no such beautiful thoughts. He probably thinks you’re a pitiful fool, you care about people. He has a secret armour of indifference that keeps him safe. He’ll just move on to some other poor girl(or boy whatever). God help the next one, at least you’re done.
My story is posted under “Hooked by an Internet Predator” if you would like to read it. I know what you are going through, I’ve been there too. It’s difficult for other people to understand what we are going through. We fall in love with an illusion they create; the person we long for and love so much is not real.
As difficult as it is, you are definitely doing the right thing by staying away from him. The no contact rule is the only thing that helps heal the wounds left deeply embedded by those without a conscience.
Don’t be afraid to fall in love again, have faith and just be careful. Look at the positive side of this experience….now you know the warning signs of a psycho/sociopath!
Krista,
Your BF put you through a lot of craziness in the time that you knew him. If you remained with him, the hellish experiences would continue. Your decision to cut ties with him is a SMART one, no doubt about it. Spaths drag good, decent people through the mud. Your story points him out as being a spath, someone to stay clear of. He is NOT someone that you can fix, so have no regrets about ending your connection to him. Take it as a learning experience – you now know (without a shadow of a doubt) that spaths are “out there”, in our midst. Be good to yourself, surrounding yourself with people who are stable, normal, and a positive influence.
Krista,
The guy you were involved with was absolutely a classic sociopath/psychopath. He did what they all do – hook you with charm and a pity play, getting you to feel sorry for him. You did what so many good, giving people do – you loved him and tried to help him.
Please understand that he cannot be helped. As he demonstrated with his cocky “I did nothing wrong” attitude, he is quite comfortable as he is.
Let him go, and be good to yourself as you recover.
The good news is that you are young, and you have learned a valuable lesson. These predators exist. Now you know it, and you know what they are like. You will never fall for it again.
the bright side, if there is one, is that you are finding out about the existance of psychopaths at an early age . You still have the rest of your life a head of you . Just imagine if you had had a bunch of kids with this guy , with the possibility that they might inherit his genetics . Stay away from similar personalities for a while , untill you find yourself again . Enlightenment is a difficult road sometimes . Hang on to your soul and hang on to logic . Logic I believe is your best defense against these kind of beings
Thank you for your responses to my story. I wish I had left him sooner, everyday I remember more and more things he did that made me feel worthless. When we argued and I wanted to leave a room to get some air he would chest block me (he is 6’1 and i am 5’0) and he would throw my car keys or hide them. He would also act like he was going to throw something at me to get me to shut up (which worked, I absolutely shut up because I was frightened). Yet anytime he would get really mad, he would act crazy and just leave the apartment. And I forgot to mention when he faked the arrest, before I found out it was a lie…he had the audacity to ask me to have sex with his as his “last wish before he goes to jail”…I just think that is one of the most hurtful, terrible, things anyone could ask someone to do when they know in the back of their heads it is a big lie. So after I found out…I was even more devastated that he would ask that of me as his “last wish”. Unbelievable. Everyday I get better and better, It boggles my mind what he put me through and how someone can act so insanely, but I try to look past it and to the future. I will never get myself involved with another sociopath again.
When I read these stories it infuriates me as to how helpless we are to warn potential victims or even the public at large about these evil people. I have just recently broken off with with a spath that I dated for 5 years. My story sounds like most of the others and I can barely make it through each day. I’m obsessed with getting “revenge” because everyone else sees him as a likable, interesting guy…and when I think of the turmoil and depths of despair that I’ve gone through…!! Anyway, my question is this: Is it against the law to place flyers in public places and around the neighborhood warning people to beware of him? I don’t know how else to retaliate and I’m guessing that he won’t even be embarrassed anyway. Also, can I just file a police report indicating what he is? I actually read on a website that it’s a good idea to do that but I’m not sure the police would take me seriously. How can I get his name out so that people will take heed? If I’m honest with myself, I’m doing this to not only try to make him suffer but to also warn others about him…there have literally been thousands of women he’s slept with so the idea of no protection just nauseates me. Any feedback would be so appreciated! This site is all I have since nobody I know realizes what I’ve gotten myself into.
Baltimore-It infuriates me that I went through this! And that other people have gone through some of the same things and even worse! I am glad to here you left your sociopath too, I am sorry you say you can barely make it through the day…it was like that for me for about 4 weeks. I attended an Al-Anon meeting, go to therapy for extra support, I also spend some time in therapy with the domestic violence advocates through the YWCA. I find myself wanting revenge on my ex and takes up about 40% of my day thinking about it. Normally I just fantasize about the revenge, I know he is too dangerous and manipulative for any revenge to go through smoothly. It is honestly not worth it, my biggest revenge was getting the restraining order for my protection. Although seeing him in court was AWFUL, it still made me feel powerful. If he harasses you, you can get one too. Or if he did anything really terrible in the relationship (like mine stole my prescription pills and smashed some of my belongings, a lamp and a mirror) then you can press charges through the police. Luckily I live in a small town and they all knew my ex’s history of criminal activity and don’t like him, so when I went to the police to file 2 police reports before I even got the restraining order, they were really kind and understanding to me. In your case, if they don’t know his history, or if he isn’t a criminal…going into a police station and saying your ex is a sociopath…probably won’t go over too well. I remember when I tried telling my mom and dropped the “sociopath” title she automatically went “sociopaths kill” well…little do people know there is SO much more to that title than meets the eye. Honestly, I worry about my ex’s future victims…but in all honesty, I really can’t go out of my way to warn them because I can’t be wrapped up in what he is doing forever. I need to focus on me, and you should focus on you. My ex’s other ex girlfriend tried to warn me through friends relaying messages/warnings and she personally emailed me when I first started dating him…I didn’t listen. Most people don’t listen unless they experience it themselves. They are master manipulators, I didn’t understand why she was warning me when he seemed so “perfect” I found out soon enough…Good luck, I take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Being happy is the best revenge. You figured him out, just like I figured mine out…we are clearly smart, capable women. They are pathetic, heartless jerks…in the end…we win.
I have a question, so if you’ve read my story you know the situation I am in…I just heard through the grapevine that he is spending this coming Friday night (for his birthday celebration) in a town about 45 minutes from the town we live in…That town happens to be the town that my cousin’s wedding is in on…you guessed it…Friday night. I have been looking forward to going to my cousin’s wedding and enjoying myself then going out to the bars with them after the wedding ends…I shouldn’t have to now worry about my psychotic EX being there. That particular town has one very popular street with about 6 very popular bars on it…I have even celebrated my birthday there before, so he is 100% going to be on the SAME street in the SAME bars as me…now I have the restraining order against him and its a “full stay away” so he has to leave…but I don’t want to…and shouldn’t have to go through ANY of that nonsense when all I want and deserve is a good time out there…This is a particularly obnoxious situation because he knows this is the night of my cousins wedding because he was originally going to be my date. He very well may have forgotten but still…I had a male friend call him and warn him not to go out there…and he response was “dude I will f*&%ing beat you”. Then I called his probation officer and let her know the situation and if she could call him and advise him to not go (he is not even supposed to be drinking or anywhere near a bar due to his felony probation situation). I don’t know what else to do. Normally this would be a situation that I would avoid entirely and just not go to the bars after the wedding…but I have been waiting for this wedding for over a year and I seriously think I deserve to go out and enjoy time with my family and celebrate. I shouldn’t have to go home early and not celebrate because he happens to go 45 minutes away the night of my cousins wedding to destroy my time. And I also shouldn’t have to worry about him acting like a lunatic around my family and her friends if I don’t go…this is just ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
eg88- No, I’m not familiar with your story but from what I gather you are definitely in a much more volatile situation than mine! In a way it’s a little easier for you because there are legal actions that you can take and everyone knows your story. In my opinion, I would definitely go out after the wedding because he’ll know that he’s won again by intimidating you, plus, you’ll have enough support around you to protect you both physically and emotionally.
My mind agrees with you about not seeking revenge and concentrating on myself, but right now my heart is consumed with ways to “get him back”. I try to stay busy, eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep…all the things that should be helping me, but even when I’m exercising, I’m plotting! I was seeing a therapist last year who was the first person to tell me who I might be dealing with…I told her that I broke it off with him (which I did for about 6 weeks), then he called, I became entangled again, and was too embarrassed to go back to her. So, back to my original question…I know it ‘s juvenile but could I get in trouble for putting posters up around the neighborhood, gym, church, school etc.? I really am trying to leave well enough alone but I hate injustice!